


Guardian

by Nickelback21



Category: Lexakru, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bully Murphy, Bullying, Clarke is an outsider, Clexa, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fine Stud Lexa, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Indra is a teacher, Lexa and Anya are cousins, Lexa is a famous footballstar, Panic Attacks, Trust Issues, bully Finn, lexa deserved better, supportive Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2018-11-02 07:08:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 59
Words: 143,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10939503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nickelback21/pseuds/Nickelback21
Summary: Life is never easy.But sometimes fate picks you to make your life even harder.Clarke is an outsider at school. Students started bullying her for no real reason other than stories her ex-boyfriend told them.Lexa on the other hand, well, she is one of the most famous students at college. She is the football teams captain and the daughter of Ryder and Becca Woods, probably the two best lawyers in the whole country with an insane amount of money, but no time for their daughter.Indra is her aunt and a second mother to her. She raised her alongside with Anya, her younger cousin.One day she tells Lexa what she witnessed at the school she works at as a teacher and the young woman can't believe that this really happened.Lexa has to do something.Nobody deserves something like that and nobody should have to go through something like that.Bullying is just plain cruel.





	1. Back in hell

**Author's Note:**

> First of all I want to say that English is not my motherlanguage. I am from Germany and because of this I want to apologise for every stupid mistake in this story. I hope you will still enjoy this little fiction of mine.

Beep, beep!

Clarke stirred slowly and rubbed her sleepy eyes. The sound of her alarm never meant anything good.

Mostly it was a sign that she had to go back. Back to hell, or how others would call it:

  
Highschool.

Slowly, while Clarke started waking up properly, she became aware of the fact that today she would have to go back to that place in order to start her final year. She was officially a senior and soon it would be over.

If it had been another two years, she would not be able to get through this. Every day was a new version of hell and she had nobody with her to fight through this hell and darkness.

Maybe this was going to be a good day and they would just let her be.

_ Foolish. _

She knew exactly that this was never going to happen. They never let her be.

With all her power she got out of the warm protection of her bed and started her morning-routine with brushing her teeth.

When she looked in the mirror, she saw the smudged makeup on her face, which just looked terrible after crying yesterday. She sighed and had just started removing it when she heard a bag thrown down onto the ground.

Perfect.

Her mother was back home from her nightshift. It was a rare occasion that mother and daughter would see each other for more than five minutes per day. Abby, her mother, was a doctor at Mount-Weather Hospital. Well, not just any doctor. She was the head-surgeon and Clarke admired her deeply for that, but what she really needed was a mother who had the time for her and would listen to her. Abby was a really kind and loving woman but kind of a terrible mother.

_ She knows nothing. Not about me and not about all the shit surrounding me _ , Clarke thought to herself.

Abby may be a fantastic surgeon and may be saving a lot of lives, but she never had the time to check on her own daughter, who she knows has a lot of problems. She just left her on her own to deal with all the bricks life has thrown at her.

"Hello, mother," Clarke greeted the extremely tired woman, who had just worked for fourteen hours through the night. "Hello, darling. I'm going to go to sleep, if you don't mind. I have to be back at the hospital at 2:30 pm, so I won't be home when you come back from school." The woman didn't give a second glance to her daughter, who was now standing in the hallway with slumped shoulders.

Clarke always had hope that maybe someday, her mother would eat breakfast with her and have a normal conversation. Without talking about work.

_ Foolish. _

She knew that this was never going to happen.

Only her father has been there for her. He would hug her if she felt like breaking down and would murmur soothing words into her ears. He was there for her when others weren't. He was the parent her mother could never be. He meant the world to her and she wouldn't know what to do without him. Of course he too, had work and wasn't always at home but he would save time for his daughter. But right now he wasn't there. He was busy installing some water pipes in several villages in Africa to provide clean water and she won't see him for a couple of months. That really hurt like a bitch.

Now she had nobody that really cared for her.

"Sleep well, mother," Clarke mumbled while picking up her backpack and hurrying out of the house. There was no use of eating breakfast when she had to sit there all on her own, not being able to talk to her father.

"That's exactly why you have to do this!" Octavia nearly shouted at Raven when Clarke arrived.

"Hey, guys," Clarke greeted them tiredly. Raven and Octavia are her best friends and she really enjoyed the company of the two girls who were always there for her. But she really couldn't bring herself to speak openly about everything with them about everything. Some things she would not even tell her father.

"Hey, Griffin. How are you doing?" Raven looked worriedly into the blue eyes of the blonde. She knew exactly what it meant for Clarke being back here and what it would mean for her; she would have to have an eye on the young artist, even though she always pushed her aside.  "Fine. What does Raven supposedly have to do?" Clarke now addressed Octavia, who has been quiet since she arrived. "Ask Anya out," she replied.

Clarke's brow furrowed. "Isn't she the daughter of the new teacher? Mrs. Woods or what's her name?" Octavia nodded. "They moved here a couple of months ago and Raven here has a lady-boner for Anya." At this, Raven slapped her best friend on the arm. "That's not true and you know it!" Octavia rolled with her eyes. "It is. Now shut up or do you want her to hear our little conversation here?" Ravens eyes widened and quickly she turned around to find the stunning, young woman walking down the hall.

"I side with O. You totes have a crush on her. Look at you, you are drooling onto your own feet." Clarke laughed shyly. "Shut up. I am not drooling." Now Octavia started laughing. "Whatever you say, Reyes." 

The bell rang and now the hell really started. Raven and Octavia went to their classes and Clarke was left alone.

The other students passing her were throwing looks at her as if she was a crazy person. Some even spit in her way. 

It took all of her strength not to break down and to keep her face stoic. So many emotions just wanted to break free from her and some sobs were forming in her throat. This was nothing new and compared to other things, her way to her first class as a senior was nothing. Still, as used to this as she was, there is no point in denying that this really hurt. She was everybody's punching bag for their aggressions and she could do nothing against this.

_ Why can everybody have a normal, uncomplicated life but I can't? _

This question never left her mind. Ever since she started highschool this question was in her mind. She was never able to live an easy life and all she wanted was to be at least ignored by the others. She couldn't take the bullying anymore, not when her father wasn't around.

As fast as she could, she maneuvered through the endless halls of Arkadia-High to avoid any insults or worse. She took the seat in the first row, because she knew, that, when she would claim a seat in the rows in the back, the other students would pull her away from that seat and she would be sitting in the front row, where nobody else sat. Like last year she would be there on her own but she didn't mind. That would mean she would be left alone.

She pulled her notebook out of her bag and started drawing some little pictures onto its cover to tune out the whispering around her. This was ordinary. They would make fun of her while sitting in the back. She heard everything.

"Good morning, dear students. I am Mrs. Woods. Your new English Lit. teacher." Clarke looked at the woman with dark skin and a stoic face. From the first second Clarke saw her, she could tell that it was the best not to mess with that woman. The teacher stood straight in front of her class and glared at the last ones, who were still talking. "I hoped you enjoyed your holidays because the fun is now over. You have to work hard to earn your certificate of graduation." This woman was strict and would never allow any student to do what he or she wants, that was obvious.

"Hell, no shit? We have to study for school?" Clarke flinched at the sound of the voice of the boy sitting in the last row.

_ Finn Collins. _

Her ex-boyfriend, who never really cared about her and fucked at least three other girls behind her back. When she found out, she broke up with him and, even if she didn't think that was possible at that point of time, everything became worse. Finn laughed at her and started telling everybody stories about Clarke. He made a fool out of her and everybody laughed at her and remarked her with some embarrassing insiders. But clearly he was as dumb as she suspected.

"Better be quiet Mr. Collins or is one week detention not enough?" She growled at that idiot in the last row. "One week? Are you serious?" He exclaimed and Clarke couldn't stop that small chuckle that escaped her lips. "Quiet, bitch! Losers like you aren't in the position to make fun of us," John Murphy shot back and Clarke bit her lip.

 She knew exactly what was going to happen after class. 

"Enough! Three weeks detention for both of you!" That should feel satisfying to Clarke, they were finally getting punished but the only thing Clarke felt was fear. After class all hell would break loose and she wouldn't be able to do anything against it.

The class progressed and Clarke watched the clock move forward. She didn't want class to end, because when it ends, she would not be able to escape. They were going to beat the shit out of her and blame her for them being punished. She tried to find some relaxation in drawing while listening to Mrs. Woods. She liked that woman. Finally there was a teacher at this school, who didn't allow her students to do whatever they wanted. She was strict and held her students on a tight leash.

"Oh, look, the loser is drawing again. She has no friends to talk to." Again from the idiot in the last row. He will never stop making fun of her, not even with Mrs. Woods around. "Collins!" Clarke saw that yell coming and flinched in anticipation. "To the principal, now!" Clarke nearly felt the death-glare that he shot right at her in that moment. "You're gonna pay for that, stupid bitch," he growled at Clarke when Mrs. Woods dragged him out of the classroom.

Fear seeped through Clarke's veins and almost as soon as Mrs. Woods and Finn were around the corner, Clarke gathered all of her stuff and hurried out of the room. Running through the halls, she still heard the laughter of her classmates that erupted as she left the room.

She just ran. Ran away from all the bullshit she was in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have questions regarding the topic I chose for this story, contact me on twitter: @meike_klever
> 
> I have dealt with bullying a lot and if somebody needs someone to listen to them who wont judge them by who they are, dont be shy to contact me:)


	2. How can I end this?

 

 

 

Lexa started her day with her daily run around the campus and then on top of the small hill from which you were able to see the whole campus and the city surrounding it. She loved the view and often she would just stand there for a little while and watch the sunrise.

 

Today the colors reached from dark purples to bright oranges and she watched it in awe. Sometimes she wished that she would be able to capture every unique sunrise. Maybe as a drawing. She often tried to take pictures but no photograph was able to reflect the perfect colors.

  
  
But there was another wish. A wish that was a lot stronger than the wish to capture the sunrise into a picture.

  
  
Lexa wanted to share this beautiful view with someone. Someone who would be with her not just because she was rich or popular. The girls she went out with were just after her fame and money and didn’t really care about Lexa as a person. No, she wanted someone who would stand here with her and watch the sun rise. Someone she could hold tightly and who really cares for her.

  
  
Lexa sighed.

  
  
She knew exactly that this was most likely never going to happen. Everybody just saw her as the heir of the Woods Inc. security service, one of the worldwide best law-firms, the daughter of Ryder and Becca Woods and the rich star quarterback of the football-team. Everybody saw Alexandria Woods but nobody saw just Lexa. The person she wanted to be.

  
  
A glance on her watch told her that it was time to return to her apartment to get ready for her day at college. Law school was tiring and kind of boring but she had to study this so she could take over her parents law-firm one day. She started her run back home, lost in thoughts.

  
  
The only thing she really looked forward to was football-practice today. She was captain and had to keep her teammates fit so they would have a real chance to win the state-championship again, just like last year. She was also curious about the new freshmen that would join her team this year. Last year they were a complete disappointment. They were not bad at all but nobody really had the wit to keep up with her team and the other competitors for the state-championship.

  
  
Lexa, herself, was a junior and it would be the second last time she would compete in this tournament. After college she wouldn’t have the time to keep playing football since she would have to start working in her parents’ business, even though she didn’t want to.

  
  
She ascended the stairs to her apartment in the luxurious complex of the college. "Morning Lexa," Lexa stopped her way up and rolled her eyes.

  
  
Ontari.

  
  
This girl just couldn’t accept a simple no.

  
  
"Good Morning, Ontari," Lexa just replied. She hoped that this would be a short stairway-conversation, but, what was she thinking? It was Ontari freaking Ace. There was no point in hoping for a short conversation. "I saw your practice yesterday. Nice work," Lexa already knew where this would be going. Ontari wanted to find a nice, smooth way to ask her out, even if Lexa already declined the last couple of times.

  
  
"Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it," she mumbled and continued her way to her apartment. "You know," Ontari started again and Lexa couldn’t resist sighing, “my offer still stands. Dinner and a movie, nothing serious. I just want to go on a date with you," Lexa wanted to curse. This girl was really a pain in the ass and that was a nice term for her behavior. Sometimes she would just stand there in the hallway and wait for Lexa. "Thanks but you know that I have kind of a busy schedule. I am sorry but there is no time for dating."

  
  
She gave this response all the time, sometimes she would even add that she isn’t interested, but that was it. It was an obvious no and everybody would get that. Everybody but Ontari.

  
  
Lexa didn’t want to waste her time at fake-dating when she knew that Ontari clearly wasn’t the one for her. She was more like a crazy fangirl who happened to live in the apartment below Lexa. One word to describe her?

  
  
Creepy.

  
  
"I have to go. Sorry, Ontari," Lexa excused herself and went u the last few steps to her apartment in record-time. She just wanted to flee from that crazy stalker girl. "I will be at your practice this afternoon, if you don’t mind." She heard the last sentence and nearly shouted that it would bother her a lot when Ontari watched her but that would be against the politeness her parents taught her when she was still young.

 

  
  
Her day was more or less boring. She went to her economics-class as well as her courses for law and then she went to practice.

  
  
The new players were not as bad as the ones before. They were more like unpolished diamonds, who needed to be taken care of. Only a couple of training-sessions and Lexa would know which one of them was worthy to play with them. She couldn’t afford any weak links in the chain of her team. If they was a weak spot, she would push them further and if that is not enough, she would kick them off the team.

  
  
She really pushed her teammates to their limits. They were groaning in exhaustion when she called them over one last time.

  
  
"Well done. I am proud to say that this team, after training a couple of times, has the chance to be one of the best in the history of Ark-University. When we give our best in every game this year, we can win the championship and that should be everyone’s aim for this year. Work hard, keep up with your teammates and fight ‘til the end of every game. If you can fulfil these tasks, you are a worthy part of our team. If not, you should reconsider your choice to join us. We have ambitious goals but if everybody pushes himself or herself to his or her limits, then we can reach them." Lexa was well-known for her pep-talks and really enjoyed motivating her teammates.

  
  
"Blood must have blood!" The team shouted in unison for the first time this year and it sent chills down Lexa’s spine. This was going to be a good, successful year, at least in football.

  
  
After her shower, Lexa walked back to her apartment, thinking. It was a good start that this year, her team seemed to click smoothly. This was going to make a lot of things easier but football was one of the things her heart ached for.

  
  
The second was love. Love she never really gave to someone and nobody really gave to her. If she wanted she could bang every girl at Polis-U but that was not her way. No. She wanted to love honestly. She wanted finally to be with someone that really cared for her.

  
  
Of course, she had Anya. Her younger cousin and best friend but that wouldn’t fill the void in her chest. She was aching to love but nowhere was Ms. Perfect to be found.

 

* * *

 

  
  
Clarke ran. She feared what she left behind but also, she knew there was no escape.

  
  
Soon they will find me, Clarke thought while running.

  
  
Finn Collins and John Murphy would track her down as fast as they were out of Principal Jaha’s office. They would be coming for her and beat the hell out of her because..

  
  
That’s just how it works.

  
  
Clarke Griffin would be punished badly for that slip up in class today. She chuckled at Finn and Murphy and that wouldn’t be forgiven, not by them. She already knew this too well. How often did they beat the crap out of her for such a minor reason? No idea. She lost count in sophomore-year and that was now two years ago.

  
  
Her whole class had laughed at her again for running away. They blamed her for being a wimp. They even said that she deserved being beaten up by the two douchebags for being herself. That was mostly the reason she was bullied, made fun of or beaten up:

  
  
She was Clarke Griffin.

  
  
Clarke Griffin, the stupid daydreamer, artist, coward and girl without real friends.

  
  
Slowly, she really started believing what they said. Maybe she really was the weird artist who would just paint when she was bored during class. Maybe she was a coward, because there was no other explanation for her short-circuited runaway from school. But you know what topped it all?

  
  
She was bisexual.

  
  
Her classmates were all really close-minded and she lived in a small town where this was clearly unique. It shouldn’t be that way but it was. They would make fun of her looking a girls and boys, sometimes they would even call her a slut because of that. Even though she was far from being a slut, they always say that she is. She was one of the few girls in school who never had a real relationship. Of course that was due to the fact that nobody wanted to be seen with her. That would make them a target, too. And even if she really wanted to love, she wasn’t able to put somebody through that. No. Nobody should live in this hell. Nobody deserved that. Except for her apparently.

  
  
She ran further and into the woods surrounding the small city. There she could breathe again and her thoughts would leave her alone as long as she was there. Nobody was able to find her when she was there and finally she was alone.

  
  
Her legs were aching, as well as her chest when she took a breath to regain some strength. A glance on her watch told her that she ran for about half an hour since she stormed out of that hell. The hell she has to return to.

  
  
"How can I end this?" She asked out loud.

  
  
Of course there was no response. Nobody knew what she was really going through and there was only one person in this entire world that cared for her. Her father. And he was thousands of miles away. She knew it was stupid to wish that he would come home and return to her, listen to her and engulf her in one of his bear-hugs. That was stupid because he was doing something good for people in need.

  
  
But wasn’t she someone in need, too?

  
  
Not as much as the poor people in Africa, that was obvious, but nonetheless, she needed him. Or someone who she could trust with her problems. Someone who really cared and not only was a temporary factor in her life. Someone who would take her hand an lead her out of this deep, black hole that her life was.

  
  
"There’s gotta be somebody like that for me." She murmured, even though she didn’t really believe the quote anymore. It was from one of her favorite songs, that sometimes helped her get out of her depression but now she didn’t dare hope for someone like that.

  
  
"There she is!"

  
  
Clarke|s eyes widened and she wanted to run again.  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the positive feedback below my first chapter. I really enjoy this story so far and I hope you will like where it is going, too.
> 
> This story is kind of personal for me and your feedback matters a lot to me. So leave some comments and if you have some tips for me I would be thankful.
> 
> Nickelback21


	3. Never judge a book by it´s cover

_"There she is."_

 

_Clarke´s eyes widened and she wanted to run again._

 

But there was no use in running. Finn stood right behind her while Murphy stood in front of her. There was no possibility of running away again. She had to face the inevitable and get it over with, because she couldn´t escape.

 

"You shouldn´t have laughed at us. We got suspended for a week because of you and you know we can´t let you get away with that, right?" Finn was furious, that much she could tell from knowing him.

 

When they were still more or less together, she knew that this growl was her cue to go, sometimes even run away from him. When he spoke with that voice he was about to throw furniture or books at her because he never was able to control his rage. How often did she have to lie to her mom, because she needed some stitches after being punched or thrown things at? No idea. It has been way too often to count.

 

"It was a mistake I know that." She whispered in a barely audible voice. But by the glint of amusement in her tormentor´s eyes she could tell that he heard it. "You know what making such a mistake means, right?" He said with an evil smirk planted on his face. Clarke just nodded. Fear was seeping through her whole body and she started shaking.

 

She should be used to this by now but everytime it gets worse.

 

"Murphy hold her for me." Finn said with a smug look on his face. Clarke swallowed and then she felt the first punch into her gut.

 

He hit her with enough force to nearly make her vomit. She bent over and bit on her lip. As much as she wanted to break right now, she couldn´t do that. That only would increase the fun the two tormentors were having.

 

From then on she felt punches all over her body and she already felt some bruises forming. After every strike she prayed that it would become boring for Finn but it didn´t.

 

_Foolish._

 

She knew that nothing other than her fading out and laying on the ground unconscious would stop them. The pain became nearly unbearable and she just wanted to fade out already but of course her body wouldn´t let her. She stayed awake and bit into her lower lip with enough force to make it bleed but that was the only thing she could do to forget some of the pain caused by the young man´s strikes.

 

He punched mercilessly and hit nearly every inch of her body.

 

"Say you´re sorry! Say it!" Finn barked at her while punching her in the stomach. "I am sorry! Please." She wimpered as she felt another strike into her upperbody. Finn just laughed at her response. "You think I believe you? Say it again and promise you will never do this again!" She swallowed and just as she was about to say something, she felt a fist in her face. The knuckles where hitting her nose with unbearable force. The blood immediatly ran out of her nose and stained her blouse. She screamed in pain.

 

He never hit her in the face before. It would give away, that he had beaten her up. Now her nose was bleeding and from the small _crack_ she knew it must be broken badly. "Finn, please! I am so sorry! I will never insult you again!" She cried in pain and defeat. Until now she had remained strong but now she broke down. Tears where mixing with the blood on her face and she whimpered hopelessly in pain. "Finn, please!" She said again, barely noticable.

 

The last thing she felt was another pair of knuckles, hitting her just above her right eye. Then everything went black. Her legs couldn´t hold her weight anymore and she broke down. Murphy loosened is iron-grip on her and let her fall on the cold, wet ground.

 

Her body felt numb and despite the throbbing pain in her upperbody and her nose, she felt nothing. Maby, because she just didn´t want to feel anything at all. She couldn´t take it anymore.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa tucked her small bag with clothes for the weekend in the trunk of her Ford Mustang and sighed. She promised to her aunt and her Cousin that she would come over and visit them for the weekend. Indra started her new Job at Arkadia-High not that long ago and she had to check if Anya was doing alright.

 

 _At least I don´t have to stay with my parents,_ Lexa thought.

 

Spending a weekend with her parents would have been a nightmare. They would drag her into one of the town´s fanciest restaurtants and the only topic would be work. She lost Count on how often her parents asked her if she would be interested into a manager-position for the time after college. The times they really asked her about something that really mattered to she could count with her fingers. It did never matter to them that her daughter got a good and hard to achieve, scholarship, because she was a good quarterback. No. They are most likely embarrassed that their daughter was into sports and not that much into the latest law-cases against celebrities.

 

They didn´t even visit one of her games in the past and they probably never will but you know what?

 

She didn´t care anymore. Of Course they were her parents but her real family were Indra, Gustus and Anya. Her aunt and uncle have always been there for her and most of her time she lived with them. Her own parents never were at home when she was younger. Indra was like the mother her own has never been and Gustus has always protected her when her own father became angry at her again for breaking an vase with her football. Her father would yell at her and then she would run into the warm, protective arms of her uncle. But there was one Person that mattered most to her.

 

Anya.

 

She may only be her Cousin but deep down they both knew that they were more than that. They were sisters. Not by blood but by a stronger bond than that. They always had each others back. No matter what happens.

 

At the thought of her little Lexa grinned and pushed the gas of her car a bit harder. She couldn´t wait to see her again.

 

"Lex!" Anya beamed as she finally saw her cousin again. Lexa didn´t even try to hide her giant grin that spread all over her face. Both met in a nearly bone-crushing hug and held onto eachother.

 

"I missed you." Anya murmured into the crook of her cousins neck. There is just one person she would say that to and this person was finally back and holding her tightly. "I missed you, too, An. I am sorry I never came home." Anya chuckled and gave the taller girl a small push. "Don´t be sorry. I know you have to work hard. I am hust happy you are back." Lexa grinned and kissed the crown of the sandy-blonde hair. "Me, too. Tell me, how was the first week as a senior?"

 

Anya rolled with her eyes when she thought about it. "I would say eventful."

 

Lexa narrowed her eyes. She hated it when the smaller girl was oblivious. "What do you mean eventful? If I remember correctly you were the one that said, I quote :"This school is fucking boring! Nothing ever happens!" " She let out a small chuckle and immediatly got a light puch on her arm.

 

"Well, this week was eventful. It started on monday with John and Finn being suspended for disturbing mom´s lesson. Then this little Griffin bitch had chuckled at them. Just a few seconds after mom dragged John and Finn to the principal´s office, Griffin stormed out of the classroom and ran away like a coward. On tuesday she came back to school with a broken nose, a split lip and her eyebrow was cut open. That girl is literally too dumb to simply run." Anya laughed at the idea of Clarke falling over her own feet. That was just too precious.

 

"Okay now I get what you meant when you said eventful." Lexa mumbled. She was a bit lost in thoughts. What makes Anya talk that badly about the other girl from her class? She assumed that there must be a reason, simply because she knew Anya. Her Cousin would never make fun of someone without any reason.

 

"That isn´t even everything! On thursday Raven Reyes, I already told you about her, asked me out." Lexa lifted one eyebrow at the excitement of her cousin. Anya was more of a no-stings-attached-type and never really dated anyone longer than a couple of weeks. "Is that the mechanic you swooned after?" Lexa knew already it was that girl but she wanted to tease Anya a little bit. "Yeah. She works at the garage where your Mustang got tuned up." Anya´s eyes beamed when she talked about this Raven and that made Lexa truely happy for her little cousin. She deserved all luck on this planet.

 

"Right. The one evening you were visiting me you just wouldn´t stop talking about this ´hot latina chick´." As soon as Lexa said these words, Anya´s face became equal as red as the tomatoes in their garden. "Stop quoting me!" She exclaimed embarrassed.

 

Lexa loved it. She was the only Person in this world who was able to really embarass her cousin and there was nothing funnier as seing the bad-girl from Arkadia-High blush. "Sorry, can´t help it." She smirked as Anya rolled with her eyes.

 

"Hello Anya!" Indra shouted from the front door. She just came back from work and didn´t expect Lexa to be home again.

 

"Hi Mom! Lexa is here!" Anya shouted back from the kitchen where she and Lexa sat. They have been catching up for a couple more minutes and told eachother about their lifes. Of course, Anya only spoke of the wonderful Raven Reyes.

 

They both walked to the front-door to greet the woman who was a mother to both of them.

 

"Hello, Lexa. It is nice to see you back home." She greeted the girl who was a daughter to her. "Hey, Indra. I know I promised to visit before the schoolyear starts but I had a really busy schedule with bringing the team back on track and keeping up with my studies." The older woman smiled and stroke the back of her niece. "It is good that you´re ambitious. But I wouldn´t mind if you visit us more often."

 

Lexa smiled. This woman was a real gift from heaven. "I am planning to."

 

They stood there a while longer just hugging eachother tightly after not seing the other one for a couple of months. In this house, in the arms of this woman and with her cousin right behind her, Lexa felt home. For her, her home wasn´t one her parents mansions. No. Home was right here.

 

A while later they sat down in the living-room to catch up.

 

"And how is your new job at Arkadia going?" Lexa asked curiously. What she heard from Anya was that Indra still was as strict as she was when she was her homeschool-teacher for a short amount of time. She never dared to disturb that woman because she knew that the mildest punishment she would get was a week of detention.

 

"All in all I am happy to teach there but some students really seem to like being punished for bad behavior. I bet Anya told you already what happend on monday, hasn´t she?" Lexa nodded and the next moment the face oof her aunt became stoic. There was not a tid-bit of facial-expression left and that told Lexa that the older woman was thinking. "What is it, Indra?" She asked curiously.

 

"Than you have already heard about Clarke Griffin, right?" Indra asked, a bit of sorrow in her voice.

 

"The girl that stormed out of you class on monday? Yes, Anya told me about her. Why are you so concerned about her?" Lexa had no idea why it bothered her aunt that much that a student used the best opportunity to slip out of class. She admitted that it seemed weird to her that this girl came back on tuesday with several injuries but she believed Anya when her cousin said that Clarke could have tripped while running.

 

"I talked with some teachers about her after she disappeared for the rest of the day. She is bullied by nearly every student in our school and I think I know why she ran away from School." Lexa tilted her head to the left.

 

"I took Finn Collins and John Murphy, two students of mine, to the principal´s office after they insulted her brutally in class. They called her names like ´loser´ for example. Well, as we left the room, Finn said something to her I couldn´t understand but I believe it was a threat." Indra looked really serious and this meant she was completely sure about what she was saying.

 

Lexa furrowed her brow. She was able to figure out on her own what Indra suspected the boys have done. "You think that this girl didn´t trip over her own feet. You believe they searched her after being suspended. You think they have caused her injuries by beating her up?" She asked disbelievingly. Indra had a Point. The whole story with tripping was strange, unrealistic even, but she didn´t want to believe that this was true.

 

Indra nodded solemnly. "The other teachers said that that wouldn´t be the first time something like that happened. But everytime someone tried to talk to her about it, she would shut down and lie. As Long there is no evidence we can´t do anything against Collins and Murphy."

 

Eventhough Lexa didn´t know the girl, she felt for her.

 

She herself had no idea what it was like to be unpopular, an outsider even. She had always been on the top of the society but that didn´t change the feeling of anger bubbling in her chest. This girl was an outsider and even her cousin, her cousin from whom she thought she knew well, was part of the group mobbing one single girl. She couldn´t believe this.

 

_Nobody deserved something like that._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys!
> 
> I just wanted to thank you for all the positive Feedback you have given to me. I am really thankful.
> 
> Also I want to say that this chapter was the worst for Clarke. Things are going to change.  
> I get that some of you might say that this went too far but I can assure you, due to personal experience, that things like that happen even if the tormentors have the most stupid reasons. Once some people see that you might be a good target for bulliing, they wont stop.  
> But before you think that this is going to be an all dark story, no, I have some smut waiting for you and also a real resolution for Clarkes problems.
> 
> I hope you will stick around and be patient.
> 
> If you want to discuss the topic of bullying and assault further with me, leave a comment or contact me on twitter: @meike_klever
> 
>  
> 
> Nickelback21


	4. Someday, somehow I am going to make it alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter for you.  
> Below my last chapter I read some good comments regarding the harshness of the story. You are right and I, too, believe that this is definetly the worst of mobbing.
> 
> I know that many people go through some kind of bullying/mobbing, myself included, and I want you all to know that, no matter what the others say or think about you, you are absolutely worth it and you deserve to be happy. Don´t let others herass you for being who you are. Mostly they say all this stuff because they are not happy with themselves and also they often let you think that being different is wrong. Let me assure you, it is not.  
> Being different means being yourself.
> 
> Now after I wrote that off my heart, I want you to enjoy the next chapter.
> 
> Nickelback21

"Lexa? I know that look. What are you planning?" Indra asked her niece, who stared really concentrated out of the big window in the living-room. When she stared like that she was thinking or planning something. Indra could tell that from the times she saw Lexa planning pranks or something like that when she was still a child.

 

"Did you talk to her parents? They have to know, you have to share your concerns in order to help that girl." Lexa mumbled, lost in thoughts. Lexa knew that Indra had to do something because this went too far. The future-lawyer didn´t know that girl but she felt the urge to protect her from this cruel world full of assholes. "Her tormentors have to be put behind bars or they will not only endanger Clarke Griffin, but more like the whole town. When they beat the hell out of one girl for just being who she is, what would the do when something happens, what is against their opinion?"

 

Lexa was determined that she had to help that girl. If not in person than through pulling the strings to make this shit end. There was no real explanation for her need to protect the unknown girl but she had to.

 

Indra sighed and started rubbing her temples. "You are right. I should have called them earlier. Clarke would probably never tell her parents all that herself. You stay here and think further on how you want to help her and I will call them." Indra left the living-room and went into her study. Lexa was left alone on the couch and was thinking.

 

Before she really could do something, she needed to talk to Anya. She hated arguing with her cousin but Anya was pretty popular at that Highschool from hell and if she would stop herassing Clarke, it was a possible start to end things.

 

Anya was her best friend but she couldn´t let her bully another girl who was already alone and everybody´s personal punchingbag for aggressions. That was wrong and Lexa had to stop that.

 

"Anya? I have to talk to you." She said calmly while knocking on the younger girl´s door. Eventhough her voice didn´t give it away, she was nearly trembling of anger. "Now!" She growled when there was no real response other than a small grunt. Lexa just walked into the room and didn´t bother to wait for her cousin anymore.

 

"What´s wrong?" Her cousin asked, rubbing her eyes. Obviously Anya had tried to take a nap but this was far more important and Lexa couldn´t and wouldn´t wait for it.

 

"What has Clarke done that you speak so badly about her?" Lexa asked with a growl and stared the younger girl down. "Wow, what happend to ´I am happy to see you again, Anya´?" Lexa curled her Hands into fists and glared at her. "Answer my question!" She snapped and Anya took a step back, afraid of the older girl she barely has seen that angry before.

 

She had no real answer to Lexa´s question. Everybody in school bullied Clarke or at least ignored her constantly. Clearly, that was not an answer she could give to Lexa but lying just would make it worse. Lexa always knew, whether she was telling the truth or not. They knew eachother for far too Long.

 

"I thought so. You don´t have a proper reason, am I right?" Lexa asked, still a death glare directed at Anya. The older girl huffed and shook her head. That changed the whole image she had from her best-friend and cousin.

 

"What the hell are you thinking?! Do you have an idea what you do to that girl without having a reason?! For Christ sake! Clarke is suffering and may never recover from what you little brats are doing to her! She may even hurt herself because of you wanting to be famous! Did you even really think about what might have happend after Clarke stormed out of school?!" Lexa shouted at her merciless. There was no reason to stay calm.

 

Anya stood in front of her completely enraged cousin who shouted at her. There was no point in denying what Lexa said because it was simply true. She spoke badly of Clarke because that was something everybody did. When you where seen talking to her or something you were at the bottom of the "food-chain" of Arkadia-High with her. So Anya just stood her and looked on the floor.

 

"Oh right! You believe that she was too dumb to run and fell over her own feet! Let me tell you what really happend! Collins and Murphy punched the hell out of her after they got suspended! They broke her nose, not she herself! Are you just that dumb to believe into something like that or did you just ignore the truth?! Answer me!" Lexa´s anger just became more when the younger girl didn´t answer. "Defend yourself or is there no way to defend yourself?!"

 

Anya shifted her weight uncomfortably from on foot to the other and bit her lower lip to stop it from trembling. Clarke didn´t deserve being beaten up and she felt terrible, if not horrible. Lexa has never been that angry towards her and it really felt terrible. "I..." She started but her voice wavered and she wasn´t able to form a complete sentence.

 

"How can you even sleep at night?! You are destroying somebody´s life!" Indra was most likely now aware of the fight, too. Lexa´s voice was audible in the whole house and there was no way she could overhear that.

 

"I don´t know! Are you happy now?! There is no reason and I still don´t understand why she became everybody´s target but I didn´t want to end up being an outsider myself!"

 

Lexa´s eyes widened in shock. She always thought that Anya was truely a selfless Person, who would never say something like that but apparently, she knew her cousin not the slightest. That girl in front of her was a stranger.

 

"Bullying destroys lifes! Some Young People killed themself because they were bullied! And you just admitted that your own popularity is more important to you than an other person´s life! I hope you can live with yourself because I can´t stand somebody like that!" With that Lexa rushed off and slammed the door behind her. She had no intention of speaking to her cousin again until the younger girl understood what she had been doing.

 

"Lexa, what was that about?" Indra stood in the kitchen when Lexa let herself slump into one of the seats at the dinner-table. The older woman had only heard enough small parts of the fight to get the topic the fight was about. It had been about Clarke.

 

"Ask that bully herself!" Lexa snapped at her aunt who now added the last mental puzzle-piece to understand the whole Situation. "Anya bullied Clarke, too?" She asked. She didn´t want to believe that her own daughter would end up bullying another classmate just one week after school started.

 

"I Quote ´that Griffin bitch is too dumb to run´. She is a part from this whole group of ideots destroying the life of a young woman." Lexa´s anger vanished a little bit and opened some space for exhaustion.

 

Indra was silent. Anya would have to face the consequences of her behavior soon and she would show no mercy, even if that means expelling her own child from school. It was Anya´s choice to do that and she would have to bear whatever her punishment for this inexcusable behavior. At home, Indra had to think of an proper consequence. She sighed and rubbed her temples.

 

Her own child did this.

 

"I talked to Dr. Griffin. We agreed on meeting tomorrow afternoon at this place. I want you to be around to make sure Clarke feels comfortable. She probably would shut down when I, as her teacher, want to talk to her, but you are nearly the same age as her and maby she will open up to you." Lexa nodded, eventhough she didn´t believe that Clarke would open up to her immediatly. She was an absolute stranger and right now Clarke didn´t even know Lexa exists.

 

"There is one last thing I want you to do." Indra spoke up again and faced Lexa directly. "Visit your parents and create a waterproof law-suit against Collins and Murphy. They are the best lawyers in America and I need these boys being put behind bars."

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the week they left Clarke more or less alone. Mostly because Finn and John weren´t there.

 

They never went that far before. Sometimes they had shoved her around or punched her into her gut but this time they went much further. Some bruises were already fading and the cut-open eyebrow healed nicely but her nose still throbbed in pain.

 

"Clarke!" Clarke flinched at her mother´s voice. Normally when her mother wanted to talk to her she just came into her bedroom and wouldn´t shout her name through the entire house. Something was wrong, Clarke knew that and she also imagined what her mother just found out.

 

When Clarke dragged herself back home on monday, she had told her mother that she had an accident with her bike and that she fell badly. Abby didn´t question her but by the look in her eyes, Clarke could tell that her mother didn´t believe that story. But Clarke felt no urge to tell her the truth. It wasn´t like they really have a close bond. Abby had tried to convince Clarke to tell her what is happening in school before, but her daughter always shut down and would say that it was nothing.

 

"What´s up, mom?" She aked as soon as she stepped into her mothers study. The woman sat slumped in her chair and had tears in her eyes. Sobs were making their way out of the older woman´s throat.

 

"Tell me that this isn´t true!" She cried. The mother couldn´t believe that her own child wouldn´t tell her something like that. She really failed as a mother.

 

"I can´t." Clarke said bluntly. She knew exactly what her mother was talking about and there was no point in denying it. Her mother knew the truth regardless of what Clarke told her. Now the tears Clarke held back for the whole week broke free and were soaking her cheeks. "I can´t."

 

Abby shot up from her seat and engulfed her daughter in a tight hug. It felt a bit weird for both of them because the last time they hugged was years ago but it also felt right. Clarke nuzzeled her face into her mothers neck and just let all her walls, she built up, crumble and finally break down. Her tears were now soaking her mothers scrubs. Abby held onto her daughter tightly as if she would break apart if she would loosen her grip.

 

"Oh, honey. Why did you never tell me?" That was a dumb question and both women knew the answer to it but it soothed them both.

 

They stood there a for long time. Clarke clutching onto her mothers scrubs and soaking them with tears. Abby holding her daughter to save her from falling apart and drawing soothing patterns on her daughter´s back.

 

Once they broke apart, Abby cupped the girl´s cheek and looked into her sky-blue eyes with her own hazel-ones. "I failed you badly as a mother." She whispered in defeat and Clarke shook her head violently. They both knew it was true but Clarke didn´t want her mother to feel that way. As if she had done nothing the right way. "I did and you know that. I will change and do what I should have done a long time ago." She whispered and once again gathered her broken daughter in her arms.

 

Clarke wasn´t sure what her mother meant when she said that but it didn´t matter in this moment. Her mother had finally promised to be there for her and that meant the world to her. That didn´t mean she will forgive her mother everything but it was a step in the right direction.

 

"Who told you?" She asked a while later, still in her mother´s arms. "Indra Woods. She is your teacher, right?" Clarke nodded into the crook of the older woman´s neck. "She told me what she thought had happenend on monday. We are going to speak with her tomorrow afternoon, is that okay, honey?" She mumbled. Again, Clarke nodded quietly.

 

It was finally the time to talk to somebody about all this, even if it would make it a lot worse, if Finn and John would find out she told someone. But she wouldn´t remain quiet. She wanted simply to hide and never come out of her room again, yes, but she had to jump over her own shadow and talk to her teacher, who she did just knew for a week. But there was something that made her trust that woman, she didn´t know what but she did trust her.

 

"Ms. Woods also said that her niece would be around and that this girl really want´s to help you. Indra talked to her first and she made your teacher finally call me." Abby murmured and Clarke knitted her eyebrows. "Why would that girl want to help me? I don´t know her." Clarke asked in confusion.

 

_Nobody would ever help her without a reason_.

 

"There are some good people in this world, Clarke. They just want to help."

 

Clarke knew that that was true. Her father was one of them. But she also doubted the motives of the other girl. Her teacher´s niece was a stranger who may only know her name and nothing more about Clarke. Okay technically that´s not true, she knew what Clarke´s problems at school were, but other than that? Why would someone be interested in a nobody like Clarke?

 

* * *

 

The following day just crept by at the slowest possible pace. Clarke was lost in thoughts the whole day, afraid of what consequences the meeting with Ms. Woods would have.

 

_They will never find out._

 

Clarke thought again and again while her mother was driving them to Ms. Wood´s home. It was meant to soothe her at least a little bit but of course it didn´t. There was no way she could stay calm right now. Fear, panic and a gigantic pool of other emotions were making her body tremble. She was afraid but she also knew that a talk with Ms. Woods offered the biggest chance to finally get out of this.

 

"Are you ready, honey?" Abby asked concerned. She had noticed the tremor that shook her daughter violently throughout the whole ride. Clarke hadn´t even noticed her mother had pulled the car to a stop in front of a big house. She didn´t even know in which part of the town she was.

 

She swallowed and nodded slowly. She wasn´t ready but that wouldn´t change anything.

 

They walked to the front door and rang the bell. Clarkes breath hitched as she heard movements from inside. Her last hope, that her teacher wasn´t at home, died a slow death.

 

_I have to do this._

 

When the door opened, it wasn´t her teacher opening the door...

 

It was an absolutely stunning looking woman and she couldn´t help staring at her perfect face. It was as if it was created personally by god.

 

"Hello. My Name is Lexa. I assume you are Clarke and Dr. Griffin?"

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I want to thank you for all the feedback I got from you. It means a lot to me.
> 
> Secondly I want to say that I will try to update this story throughout every Weekend and since I wrote my last tests and took my last exams it should be managable for me.
> 
> Now enjoy the next chapter.
> 
> Nickleback21

 

* * *

 

 

_"Hello. My Name is Lexa. I assume you are Clarke and Dr. Griffin?"_

 

The voice of the young woman in front of them rang through Clarke´s ears. She sounded really polite and matter-of-factly but Clarke couldn´t help hearing that little tid-bit of concern in this angelic voice. Somehow she didn´t hate it that much as she did hate it when her mother sounded concerned, not that this happend often in the past. Definetly not.

 

"Yes. And you are Ms. Woods niece, then?" Her mother´s voice slowly dragged her out of her thoughts and when she was finally really aware what or rather who was standing in front of her she swallowed. Not only the voice was angelic, no.

 

Her entire face was perfectly shaped, almost symmetrically. She wore a white button-up shirt and black pants which hugged her tighs perfectly. It was as if Clarke was standing in front of an angel. And her eyes. They topped everything.

 

The most beautiful green Clarke had ever seen in her entire life. They reminded her of the deep forrest that surrounded her parent´s lodge. She spent almost every holiday there, but since her mother became the leading surgeon in the hospital, they never went there again. But this green flooded her mind with happy memories, those, which were far away now, almost forgotten.

 

"Yes. Please come in. My aunt has a lot to talk about with you. I will join you too if that is okay for you, Clarke." She showed the smallest of smiles and Clarke had only one wish. She wanted to see that again.

 

But right now?

 

Right now she didn´t know what to say and had to think of an answer. It was almost funny how many people now seemed to care what happened to her. She couldn´t believe that this was true. They must have other intentions behind helping her or why else would a complete stranger offer her her help? She wanted to believe that this girl in front of her only wished to help but her mind told her that these people were rare, almost non-existent.

 

She cleared her throat, unsure of what to say. "I guess it´s fine." She mumbled finally.

 

Again this little smile flashed onto Lexa´s face as she and her mother stepped into the house, which was slightly larger than Clarke would expect from a teacher.

 

Lexa led them trough the big hallway into the even bigger living-room, where Ms. Woods sat on the Couch. Obviously waiting for them.

 

As soon as they entered the room, Clarkes legs didn´t want to carry her just one step further. She couldn´t move nor breathe and found herself staring fearfully into her mothers eyes. She had to do this, she knew that. It was her only choice for a better future but she thought that maybe she isn´t strong enough to go into this conversation. Her mother just gave her an reassuring stroke on her back and nodded encouragely.

 

"Hello, Clarke. Mrs. Griffin." Indra stood up and shook their hands. Clarke nearly seached for the stoic look and the strict attitude the woman always wore, but both was nowhere to be found. Indra smiled at her and motioned for them to sit down.

 

Clarke sat next to her mother on the opposite side from her teacher and Lexa of the u-shaped couch. She fiddled with the hem of her shirt as if she was a little five-year old girl that had to confess to her mother that she destroyed her favourite vase.

 

For a short moment, when she finally had the courage to look up, her gaze landed on the young woman next to her teacher. There was still this slightly concerned expression, planted on her face. Clarke wanted it to disappear, not because she hated the concern written in her face, like she does when she sees this look on other people. No. She just wanted to see that small smile again, that this girl offered her before.

 

Then she looked away and mumbled something that sounded at least a bit like a greeting.

 

"First of all I want to thank you for coming. I know this has to be a hard step for you, Clarke." Indra offered her a slight smile. Would she have been in an other situation, Clarke would probably have been afraid. That woman normally never smiled.

 

"I have to thank you for calling me. If it wasn´t for our talk yesterday, I would have never really known what happend to my daughter. So thank you." Abby didn´t smile, the look in her face absolutely sincere.

 

"Well, I should have called you earlier but I wasn´t sure if my suspicions were true. I still don´t. But Lexa over here convinced me that I had to call you." Abby nodded in the direction of the young woman and waited for her daughter´s teacher to continue.

 

"Clarke, I know that you are afraid right now but you can be completely honest with me and also with Lexa. She will listen to you as much as I will, you understand?"

 

Clarke bit her bottom lip. She wasn´t ready, but she´ll never be. There would never be the right time to talk about such a thing. She nodded mutely. Somehow it felt nice to have someone, who listenes to you and it made her feel at least a tiny bit at ease.

 

"Okay. I will be straight forward. Clarke, I need you to tell me what happend on that day. You don´t have to tell me everything but I want to understand this whole thing, okay?" Indra looked at her with somehow sad eyes.

 

Clarke looked up and bit her lower lip. She swallowed and tried to gain enough courage to tell the truth.

 

_They aren´t here. You can tell them everything._

 

Her mind raced, unable to form a complete sentence.

 

"Honey, it´s fine. You can do it." Her mother rubbed her back and looked worriedly at her daughter. She was right.

 

_She could do it._

 

Again she lifted her gaze and stared directly into green eyes that watched her couriously. She took one last breath and began to explain.

 

"It happend when you took them to principal´s office for their comments in your lesson. I had chuckled at them for being punished for their behavior. I should have known better." She had to take a break. Tears were gathering in her eyes and she had to fight to keep her voice even. "Before they left the classroom with you...they threatened me that I would regret my mistake to chuckle. Then...I don´t know. Suddenly I had to run away, I didn´t want to face what was coming for me and was afraid....they found me nonetheless." The last part was a mere whisper and barely audible. Her voice broke and the tears broke free. They soaked her cheeks. She couldn´t look up to the women sitting across from her, too ashamed of her break-down.

 

"Clarke...did they hurt you?" It wasn´t Indra´s voice nor the voice of her mother. It was the voice that belonged to the green-eyed stranger. It was as if that girl knew that Clarke needed to be pushed. There was no other way to get everything out of the young girl with tears streaming down her cheeks. For the first time since she began explaining, Clarke looked up and met green eyes, full of concern and...was it anger?

 

Again Clarke took a deep breath, trying to regain some strengh. They had to know everything. And the next part she had to talk about was a part of everything. Clarke nodded. "Yes...they somehow tracked me down in the forrest where I was trying to calm down...I felt safe there. I thought....I thought nobody would ever find me beneath these trees but...but they did. I don´t know how but they did." Sobs were trying to get out of Clarkes throat and she had to put all her strengh into not breaking down completely.

 

Again she found green eyes watching her. Somehow this green calmed her down...made it possible for her to breathe. Ther was no explanation for this but the eyes of that stranger gave her more strengh than the reassuring strokes on her back by her mother. She didn´t even feel them as long as she looked into green.

 

"They found me...and said somehing like: "You know that you have to pay for your mistake, right?" I can not remember every word but they didn´t matter at all. I begged them to leave me alone, if I would never do something like that again but...they didn´t listen. Murphy grabbed me and made it impossible for me to get away...I couldn´t do anything. Finn...punched me all over my body. There was...there was not a single part of my body that was free of bruises. I cried and begged them to stop but it didn´t matter what I said. Finn wouldn´t stop, not until...my...nose was broken and every part of my body hurt like hell. The only let me go when I lost my conciousness." Clarkes lip trembled and she stroke over the small scar that was left from her cut-open eyebrow.

 

Tears. They didn´t stop and Clarke couldn´t do anything about it. She burried her face in her hands and curled herself up to a ball. The others shouldn´t see her like this. Not this weak nor this affected by the situation. She never allowed herself to show how broken she really is to anyone. Not even her father. He knew what was going on but he, like her mother, did not know the entire depth of her pain and misery. Nobody did and especially nobody should.

 

"Thank you for sharing this with us. You are really a brave, young woman." Indra spoke that with an completly sincere voice that left no room for interpretation. After that, silence spread between the four women. Probably to give the crying girl the space she obviously needed.

 

A while later, Clarke had calmed a little bit and Indra spoke up one last time. "There is one last thing I want to talk about with you and your mother." Clarke lifted her gaze. Puffy, red eyes were now locked onto her teacher. What else was there to talk about? She had told them literally everything.

 

"We...well, Lexa over here, wants to help you. Lexa is the daughter of the owners of Woods.Inc. One of the most successful and best law-firms of the world. Her parents offer their help to bring these boys behind bars."

 

Clarke gasped. Woods. Inc. is one of the most prestigeous law companies of the whole world and she would never be able to pay that. They represent celebrities and rich People and somebody like her was neither rich nor famous. Also, what happens when Murphy and Finn find out that she dobbed them in? They would again punish her for ruining their future and god knows if she would survive that again.

 

"I..." She couldn´t speak. Her throat was dry and almost hurt. Her lip quivered and she bit into it to stop it from trembling.

 

"I know what you want to say. Lexa already wrote the report for the court to put them under a restrainment order. They have to stay away from you and won´t be allowed near you until the final court-date."

 

Clarke still wasn´t able to breathe. It was as if the air was knocked out of her lungs. Why did this girl do all this for her? Clarke only knew the name and now who her parents were, nothing more. And still, that girl pulled the strings to help Clarke without ever having met her before.

 

"That is a really generous offer but I am afraid we are not able to pay your parents, Ms. Woods." Abby spoke up the first time again.

 

Lexa shook her head and offered mother and, especially, daughter again this small, nearly unnoticable, smile. "They don´t want any money from you. I talked with them yesterday right after my talk with Indra. I told them your story, I hope you don´t mind?" She looked at Clarke, seriously worried that she might have overstepped a boundary.

 

Clarke just looked shocked. Still taken aback by the change of things. It took her a while to understand everything. She met Indra a week ago. Her niece only today and they, well, mostly Lexa´s parents, who she only knew from TV or newspaper-reports, are offering her help and further they want to represent her in her law-case?

 

Lexa cleared her throat awkwardly, still waiting for a response.

 

Clarke snapped back into reality and shook her head.

 

"Good. I told them everything that I and Indra knew. They offer you a free representation and full support in your case, Clarke. They really want so see these boys behind bars because they obviously are a danger for everybody. And they are pretty sure that they will win this case because, what my mother told me earlier today, when I called them for an update, they already found enough proof to fill a law-suit against them. There is just one thing that might be a Problem," Lexa looked at her, a concened expression plastered on her face.

 

Clarke shot her a worried look. Of course there had to be something. There was never anything that was going smoothly for her.

 

"You have to tell them the entire story. From the beginning. Not just this monday but everything so they can use it against them."

 

Clarke nearly wanted to scream in relief. She had thought that from now on she had to advertise for the company or something like that. Of Course, it wouldn´t be easy to tell that whole story again but if that could be the end of it she was willing to do so. Even if they were strangers.

 

"If that is what they need...I will tell them everything. From the beginning." Clarke now felt a tid-bit of hope rising in her chest. But she felt something more. The deepest gratitude she ever felt for a human.

 

Lexa nodded quietly and added: "I will send in the restrainment order today then. Indra, if I remember correctly you told me that you will talk to the principal tomorrow, in order to ban these boys from school?" Lexa had turned to facer her aunt for the first time in this whole conversation. Indra gave a court nod and added: "Murphy and Collins will never set one foot again into the same classroom as you, Clarke."

 

Clarke just sat there, overwhelmed by everything and unable to form a coherent sentence. But apparently her face showed her gratitude towards the two woman nonetheless.

 

A quiet while later Abby started getting up and schook both of the other women´s hands. "Thank you. I can´t express what you did for us." Indra nodded while Lexa sported her trademark, little smile again.

 

The green-eyes girl´s gaze shifted to the younger girl, still sitting on the couch.

 

"Before you go. Clarke, may I speak with you in private?"

 

 


	6. I want to take the pain away

 

* * *

 

Lexa was angry to say the least. How could anyone do something like that to this beautiful, no, stunning young woman sitting across from her on the couch, tears streaming down her face? Nobody deserved that and the more she thought about it, the angrier she got.

 

Her emotions were covered behind the best mask she could place on her face but she couldn´t shake the feeling, that the crying girl could see right through it. There was no way that this was possible but the feeling stayed.

 

Blue orbs were scanning her face again and she nearly lost herself in their depth. The blue in her eyes was bright, almost like the sky on a beautiful, sunny summer day. They shone even brighter due to the tears bubbling up in them and Lexa really had to fight the urge to get up and brush the tracks, these tears left, away from this beautiful face.

 

Their conversation had come to an end and now they sat there in silence. Leaving Lexa alone with her thoughts.

 

She wanted desperatly to change the girl´s situation that went much too far. No. That wasn´t even a term for all the misery this young woman had been put through. How could anyone beat a girl just because of a little bit of chuckling? How could her own cousin, from whom she thought she knew her, talk so negatively about this girl? Why was everything so unfair?

 

A silent while later the young girl´s mother got up and it seemed as though she wanted to say goodbye.

 

"Clarke, before you go, may I speak with you in private?" The words left her mouth far quicker than she could stop them from tumbling out of her mouth. She wanted to slap herself in the face because she really didn´t know what she wanted to talk about with Clarke. The words just left her mouth as if her brain had no control of her behavior.

 

Clarke looked confused to say the least. Her eyebrows slightly knitted. Lexa could nearly read her mind.

 

 _What wants this girl from me?_   This thought was obviously written all over Clarke´s face.

 

"I guess." The blonde mumbled.

 

Lexa led her out of the gigantic living-room, into her aunt´s study. Now she had to think of what to say and she bit her lower lip as she saw the younger girl tilting her head to the left, obviously waiting for her to begin.

 

"I know, that it must seem weird to you that I want to talk to you but I don´t know..." She was lost in thoughts. Trying to form a sentence that said what she wanted to express. But that was impossible. How can you explain something you don´t even understand yourself? She had closed her eyes for only a moment but when she opened them she found blue orbs staring at her.

 

"Why do you care so much?" The question felt like the slap in the face Lexa needed desperatly to resume talking and forming sentences.

 

"Honstly? Indra talked to me yesterday after I asked her why she was stressed. She told me everything what she knew about you and your history at this horrible school I attended myself for my sophomore-year. My only thought was while I was hearing your story was that I needed to help you. I don´t know why but I had to, I couldn´t just sit there listen to it and do nothing about it." She was babbling a bit and, again, wanted to slap herself. Why wasn´t she able to hold up her matter-of-factly, stoic mask around this stranger? She didn´t know her and still, this girl made it impossible to her to stay as calm as she normally was.

 

"There is nobody that helps me without a reason." Clarke mumbled quietly, almost disbelievingly. It sounded as if she couldn´t believe that Lexa had no real intention other than helping her.

 

"I do. I don´t want anything but help you, believe me. I know for you it may be hard to believe that but I really just want to help you. To help you getting out of the situation you live in. I know I only met you today but I can assure you that you don´t deserve anything that happens to you, even if you might think that way." Lexa had to be cautious. There was no way this girl would trust her completely within their first meeting but Lexa really wanted to build up some trust between the two of them, since Clarke doesn´t seem too interfered by her.

 

"How do you...?" The younger girl´s voice broke and a sob was making it´s way out of her throat. Lexa didn´t need to hear the full question to know what Clarke wanted to know.

 

_How can you know that this is what I am thinking?_

 

There was, again, no logical explanation for this but Lexa just knew what Clarke may think of herself.

 

When she looked up again, ready to answer as good as she could, she saw that tears were making their way down the blonde´s face and were soaking her cheeks. Suddenly it was as if a boundary in her head broke down and Lexa couldn´t help but engulf that girl, who she only knew a couple of hours, into a tight hug. She desperatly wanted to ease the girl´s pain and hugging her seemed to be the only way she could do that.

 

At first it felt a little weird, hugging a girl she didn´t really know and Clarke, too, stiffend at first. This hug had taken them both by surprise but a little while later, it didn´t feel weird at all anymore. Clarke burried her face into the crook of Lexa´s neck, still sobbing and crying but not that violently anymore. Lexa started drawing soothing patterns onto the younger girl´s back.

 

It felt good.

 

"I want it to be true." Clarke mumbled between her sobs.

 

Lexa didn´t exactly know what the girl was referring to but it was either that Lexa was helping her without any reason or that things will get better from now on. Both were true so there was only one answer Lexa could give. "It is."

 

* * *

 

 

At first Clarke was taken aback by the fact that Lexa had engulfed her in a tight hug but soon it only felt warm and good. The patterns the other girl drew on her back eased a bit of the tension Clarke had felt the entire day and she was able to slump in the older girl´s arms a little bit. They gave her a feeling of protection and just for a moment she could forget why she was here and why Lexa was hugging her.

 

But, she shouldn´t feel at ease like this. She wasn´t even sure if Lexa meant what she said when she said that she only helped Clarke because she wanted to. Lexa could use her like every other person in this world already did but somehow...somehow she didn´t believe that this was something the girl, whose shirt she was ruining now with tears and smudged mascara, would do anything like that.

 

It didn´t feel that way. She felt safe and not as if the other girl was intruding her personal space.

 

"I want it to be true." The sentence fell from her lips between the sobs that still were rocking through her body. Lexa had to think of her as if she was the biggest freak on earth, because, here she was, crying and hugging a stranger. She wanted it to be true that Lexa would help her to get through this and that the other girl would have time for her and her misery, but she would be dumb if she really thought that this was going to happen.

 

Nobody was ever there for her, besides her father, who was thousands of miles away.

 

Lexa´s answer took her by surprise. "It is." Was the only thing the older girl said but somehow it was exactly what Clarke needed to hear. It was more soothing than every hug she recieved by her own mother even if it shouldn´t be that way.

 

Since her father left for Africa, she hadn´t felt that protected and safe.

 

They stood there for a while until Clarke´s sobs disappeared completely and Lexa loosened her tight grip onto the smaller girl. "How do you feel?" Lexa´s voice sounded sincere and concerned as she looked down into Clarke´s eyes. In her eyes Clarke could see the matching concern to her voice.

 

How long has it been since somebody asked her that? It was one of the simplest questions but she hasn´t been asked that for a long time. It was simple and just this simplicity made Clarke´s trust towards the young woman, who still held her, grow. A small voice in her head said her that she shouldn´t get too attached to this beautiful stranger, who didn´t seem that strange anymore, because there was no way Lexa would be a constant factor in her life, but this voice was too quiet even if it seemed to scream at her.

 

It was the same voice that had led her through her life all the time. It belonged to the part of her brain that only wanted to protect, to shield Clarke from possible problems. This voice was the one that always told her to back down and run away from her problems rather than face them. It was the voice that told Clarke to run away from Finn and Murphy.

 

But somehow, right now, this voice had lost it´s power over her. It was too quiet to be heard.

 

"Better, thank you." Mumbled Clarke and now let go of the other girl´s shirt that she had clutched so tightly between her fists during her breakdown. She wasn´t able to say more, simply because she lost herself in these green eyes that looked at her now with a light spark. Lexa was smiling just a little bit, as if she was happy because of Clarke´s answer.

 

"It is nice that I could help." The left Corner of the older Girl twitched a bit up. Then she reached into her backpocket and retrieved a small Piece of paper."Here," Lexa handed Clarke the small piece of paper with a number written on it. "I know we only met today but I figured that it would be easier if we stay in touch. So text me?" Clarke just looked a bit dumbfolded onto the piece of paper that Lexa just handed her. "You can text me whenever you have questions regarding your case or just if you need somebody to talk to. No matter what it is about, okay?" Again the older girl donned that trademark, nearly unrecognisable smile and Clarke couldn´t help but smile a tid-bit herself. She nodded and again mouthed a thank you, unable to talk right now.

 

"I think your mother is waiting for you. I´ll accompany you to the door." Lexa said and held the door open to let Clarke pass.

 

"So. I will give you a call as soon as I get the details for your case. Then we set up a date to meet with my parents." Clarke noticed a little shift in Lexa´s voice as she said the word ´parents´but she put no further thought into it.

 

As her mother stepped out of the front-door after their goodbyes from Ms. Woods and Lexa, Clarke turned around one last time. One last time before she had to go home, she lost herself into these deep green eyes that she immediatly connected to the happy meomories of her past. "I´ll text you later." She nearly whispered, still not entirely able to speak with an even and strong voice.

 

"Okay." Was all Lexa said in response but again, it was exactly what Clarke needed to regain some strength.

 

Strength she knew she had lost during all these years.

 

 


	7. Stuck in my mind

 

* * *

 

 

"Well, that went better than I expected." Indra murmured as she watched Clarke and her mother drive away. Lexa stood next to her and sighed. "A lot better."

 

That was absolutely right. Lexa had never dreamt that this meeting would go that well and that she and Clarke would get along this good. They understood eachother without a lot of explaining and Lexa adored Clarke for being so honest and open with her. Clarke was truely one of the bravest People Lexa had ever met because that Girl revealed herself in her weakest state to Lexa even if they knew each other only for a couple of hours. For Lexa it was a Statement of trust the younger woman had towards her and it meant a lot to her.

 

"What did you talk about with her?" Indra had turned her face to look at her niece, who still looked in the direction the car disappeared.

 

"I kind of tried to explain why I want to help her. Not that I was extremely successful with that but it seems that Clarke trusts me a little bit." An unreadable expression rushed over her aunts face but as fast as it came it was gone again. She still looked at Lexa as if she waited for her to continue. "Nobody ever helped that girl without having other intentions than helping her. It seemed as if she never really had someone she could trust and talk to. After I told her that my only intention was to help her, she broke down and started crying. I couldn´t help but hugging her and she let me do it. We stood there and I let her cry for as long as she needed to."

 

A small smile appeared on Indra´s face and she padded her niece´s shoulder. "You are too good for this world, Lexa. But you have to know something." Now Lexa turned, too, and faced her aunt. A sincere look was plastered onto the older woman´s face. What she wanted to say had to be something important, that much Lexa could tell from spending so much time with the woman in front of her.

 

"You can´t let her down. I know you care for her and her Situation now and I don´t believe that you would do something like that but you have to know that this girl has always been let down by everyone in her life. If she grows close to you and you just let her drop as soon as you realize that football and college are already too much to handle and that you won´t have time for her, I swear to you, you will never set one foot into my home again." Lexa was slightly taken aback by Indra´s statement. Her aunt normally wasn´t the person who talks much and if she did, it never lacked of content. This was the longest speech her aunt had ever given her.

 

Indra was right. Clarke had been left alone for all this time and it was possible that she couldn´t take it another time. Nobody has ever been there for this young woman, who needed so desperatly someone to talk to and share her feelings with. Nobody had ever listened to her.

 

This was something Lexa wanted to change as fast as she could. She promised to be always available to this girl and she definetly will be. It really hurt her when Clarke broke down and tears where streaming down her face again, just because someone finally listened to her. Someone finally had been there for her to hold her and to soothe her somehow. This should be ordinary. If Clarke needed someone, someone should be there for her.

 

"I won´t. I will help her to get trough this and I only will leave her alone if she wants me to. There is no way that I put Clarke through something like that again." Lexa was absolutely honest and meant every word she said. Indra nodded mutely and moved to go back inside but Lexa gripped her by her wrist.

 

"What did you talk about with her mother when I talked to Clarke?" Somehow she knew that the two women just wouldn´t stand there in silence and wait for Clarke and Lexa to return. They must have talked.

 

"Her mother explained me why she didn´t do anything about Clarke´s situation." Lexa let go of her aunt´s wrist and raised her left eyebrow.

 

That was a question that was on her mind since Indra told her yesterday everything she knew.

 

_Why did Clarke´s parents nothing to change their daughter´s situation?_

 

There had to be a rather good explanation or Lexa wasn´t sure she could contain her anger towards these terrible parents when she will meet them again soon.

 

"Clarke never told her anything. When she came back with bruises or other injuries she would tell her mother that she fell with her bike or something like that. Mother and daughter never had a really close bond, that much she told me. Her husband was most likely the only person in this world that Clarke trusts enough to tell him at least half of the truth."

 

This definetly wasn´t the explanation she was hoping for. There was no way in hell that Clarke´s mother had had no suspicions. Some people may be clumsy and uncoordinated but nobody fell with their bike that often. That was the poorest explanation she could think of right now and it made the anger in her gut rise once again. But seemingly her aunt wasn´t finished yet.

 

"Dr. Griffin is the head-surgeon at Mount-Weather-Hospital and is nearly never at home. Jake Griffin, Clarke´s father is an engineer and works right now in Africa. He won´t be home for another couple of months." At that Lexa´s mouth fell wide open. How could they do that to their own daughter? How could they basically abandon her?

 

Her mother say she didn´t know the whole depth of Clarke´s situation, fine, but how could she leave her daughter all alone when the only person her daughter really trusts is thousands of miles away? This was just cruel.

 

Lexa had balled her hands into tight fists in order to calm herself down at least a little but it was of no use. She was angry. Angry at the woman that sat across from her only minutes, maybe a hour ago. "How could they do that to her? Why didn´t her father talk to her mother about it? Her father knew and did nothing about it. I can´t believe it!" Her nails began digging int the flesh of her palm and all that she wanted right now was at least talk some sense into these absolutely horrible parents.

 

It was possible that Clarke´s father didn´t want to loose the trust from his daughter but that didn´t excuse him leaving her alone. Her mother was never there and he knew that!

 

"I know. You are right but Dr. Griffin also said that she was aware of her mistakes." Indra herself couldn´t contain that little look of disgust washing over her face.

 

"Aware? Is that everything she told you? That she is Aware of her mistakes?!" Lexa found it impossible to hold her stoic mask in place at the thought of what Clarke´s parents had put their daughter through.

 

Indra just nodded and clenched her jaw as if she exactly knew that Lexa would loose it.

 

"How can somebody like her look into the mirror without vomiting? How can she wake up and be in a good mood?!"

 

"I don´t know, Lexa. I don´t know."

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Lexa went back to her own apartment and picked up studying again but she couldn´t quite focus on the assignments given by her teachers. Her thoughts were with a certain blonde and it was impossible for her to concentrate on her textbook or the man standing in front of her and trying to explain something to his students that her parents teached her already years ago.

 

At the end of the day she couldn´t wait to finally step on the turf again and train with her teammates. She desperatly needed something that distracted her for a while and Football seemed perfect for it. As long as she would be standing on the turf, her thoughts would be in the game she loved so much. At least was that what she thought.

 

She already planned what she was practicing with her team today. They would have their first game on Saturday and if they wanted to win the championship again, they had a lot of work to do. "Next week is our opening game and I expect only the best from you during every training! We have to fight hard to win since the Azgeda Warriors are one of our hardest competitioners. Today we will start with running ten laps and then we will proceed with tackling-drills!"

 

Her teammates followed her order and she found herself running next to Miller, the best wide-reciever of their team. He is a decent company because he is somehow quiet and calm. The complete opposite to the most of the team.

 

"Is everything okay, Lexa?" When she heard her name she knew that this would be a personal conversation. Nathan Miller was nearly the only one that used Lexa´s name and not her nickname ´the commander´. Whenever he used her name he was talking to her as her friend and not as her teammate and subject.

 

She really didn´t want to have this conversation right now. Football training was supposed to distract her from all that what was going on in her mind. It was meant to relax her and talking about her weekend wouldn´t help.

 

"It´s fine. Nothing serious, I just had a stressful weekend." She didn´t want to say more, even if it was a lie. It was serious and it never left her mind. It seemed that Miller understood her silent request of changing the topic, even if he watched her with a concerned expression on his face. "Okay. Any party planned for the next weekend?" He asked then non-chalantly. Lexa nearly wanted to hug him for this change of topic but she kept her face straight. "Well, I´d say that if we win on saturday I will pay for all the drinks and invite the team over to my place." She answered with a kind of devilish smirk planted on her face.

 

Her parties always were the best since everybody wanted to come over to her apartment and wanted to say that they were at a party of Alexandria Woods. She was definetly on top of the social-food-chain of college and that made her paries always a blast.

 

Miller smirked right back. Knowing exactly what that meant. "Hey guys! The commander invites us to her place if we win on saturday!" He shouted loud enough for the whole team to hear. A row of cheering and high-fiving followed and Lexa held her chin up higher.

 

"So we have to try extra hard, right?" Miller adressed her again, smirk still in place. "Definetly." She shot back.

 

The rest they ran in silence. The short escape from her thoughts had been exactly what Lexa had needed but it was far too short. Eight laps were too much time to again think only of a certain blonde that never really left her mind since she came into her life rather unexpectedly. Clarke hadn´t texted her yet but Lexa didn´t gave up her hope she would soon. She gave Clarke her phone-number and further the choice if she would text her or not.

 

After their run that seemed far too long, they stepped into the tackle-drills she prepared for today. She would be lying if she would say that she chose tackle-drills just to prepare her team for the game. She chose them because they were at least a small stress-release.

 

She tackled one teammate after another with far more force than necessary but it helped her a bit. Some of her Anger she still felt towards Mr. and Mrs. Griffin subsided when she took her final competitioner down. It was wrong to let emotions control her actions but she couldn´t help it. Even if she tried to contain her feelings and just act, she wasn´t able to do it.

 

When their training ended and she recieved her phone she saw that she had one missed message from an unknown number. It felt as if her heart skipped a beat when she read the massage.

 

**Hello Lexa. I wanted to thank you for yesterday, so thank you.**

**Have a nice day.**

**-Clarke**  


	8. Chapter 8

 

* * *

 

 

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

 

Clarke wanted to slap heself as soon as she reread the text she just sent.

 

**Hello Lexa. I wanted to thank you for yesterday, so thank you.**

**Have a nice day.**

**-Clarke**

 

She had written at least thirty different texts but all of them she erased again. And now? Now she sent that darn message and it was just plain terrible. What was wrong with her? She just couldn´t find the words to just send a simple text to that beautiful brunette with the seemingly gigantic heart.

 

After that text, she did´t believe that she would get an answer from Lexa. Who would answer to such an embarrassing try to thank them?

 

Still, she was a little disappointed that Lexa didn´t reply immediatly. Somehow she had hoped that the other girl would answer her right after she recieved the text, even if this text was emabarrasing as hell. But you all know what they say about hope,

 

_It breeds eternal misery._

 

The time crept by and she still stared at her phone, when the sun began to set. Sunrays were stinging in her eyes but she didn´t avert them for just a second from her phone´s screen. It wasn´t for another few minutes until her screen finally lit up and told her that she just recieved a message from Lexa.

 

**Hey Clarke.**

**I hope you´re feeling better today. What are you doing right now?**

**-Lexa**

 

Clarke stared at her phone. As soon as she read the text it felt as if her heart wanted to explode in joy. Somehow she nearly gave up hoping for a reply but now she got one and even if it was a simple question, it gave her the feeling the other young woman cared for her. It gave her the feeling that somebody was finally interested in what she was doing and how she felt. There´s just one person next to Lexa that asked her these simple questions and the last time she spoke to this other person was now months ago.

 

Her fingers trembled when she tried to find a Reply good enough for Lexa. What was she supposed to write?

 

**I am feeling a bit better right now. School was not that bad since Finn and Murphy weren´t there.**

**I am sketching a little bit. You?**

**-Clarke**

 

She didn´t lie. While she was mainly staring at her phone, waiting for a reply. Her Hand found a pencil and she started drawing various lines without any meaning. She was sketching but not looking at what she was drawing.

 

Now she took a first look at her mindless drawn sketch. What she saw shocked her a little bit. The various lines were not as various as she thought they would be. They formed somehow the shape of an eye watching directly into the viewer´s direction. It was not detailed or more than just a shape but somehow it seemed to stare at her.

 

**I just finished practice.**

**That leads me to my next question. We have a game on saturday and I wanted to ask if you wanted to come over. I Really want to see you again.**

**-Lexa**

 

Her breath was stuck in her throat and her mouth hung open. Lexa wanted her to come to her game. She wanted to see her again. But wait a second....she wanted her to watch her game as in a public space? That couldn´t be true. Nobody wanted to be seen with her in public, everybody was always afraid, that they would become equally as Clarke a bullying target.

 

Lexa must have written it out of pure politeness and not because she meant it. That would be too great to be true.

 

Her lip trembled a little bit as she thought of a reply. What was she supposed to do? She wanted to meet that beautiful brunette again but not because Lexa had the feeling she had to invite Clarke.

 

She nearly threw her phone against the wall out of reflex as she saw that she was being called. The caller´s ID just showed four letters and it made her breath once again get caught in her throat. Lexa was calling her.

 

_"Hey, Clarke."_

 

For a few short moments Clarke´s mind went crazy in the process to proceed what was happening.

 

"Hey, Lexa." She murmured nearly to quiet to understand it. She wasn´t sure if she could think of a proper sentence right now.

 

_"I saw you read my text from earlier. About the game. I just wanted to make sure you don´t feel like you have to come and watch my game. If you don´t want, you don´t have to."_

 

How could this be possible? Was somebody asking her what she wanted right now?

 

"I...I don´t know. Do you really want me to come?" She sounded more than just unsecure. She sounded as if she was afraid to hear the truth.

 

_"I would really like if you would come. But again you don´t have to,"_

 

Clarke´s thoughts went badshit crazy right now. Lexa sounded so sincere and she really wanted to believe her so badly. But there was a barrier, a protective wall, inside her head that said she should watch ot. How often had she been let down after she had trusted some person? This rule may also aply for Lexa. She didn´t know her, but...it felt so different than all the times before. Somehow her fear to be let down wasn´t there right now, or at least it lost a lot of value. Maybe it was because she wanted it to be true.

 

"I...I will be there." She then murmured. Not sure if she really meant what she said.

 

She heard Lexa take a sharp breath as if she had stopped breathing until Clarke gave her an answer.

 

"Geat! Thank you. It´s at 8 pm at the college Stadium.... But, there is one last thing I want to talk about with you. If we win, what I think we will, I will hold a party at my place afterwards. You can come with me then but if you don´t want to...I understand."

 

It almost felt like Lexa really tried to avoid pushing Clarke to do things she didn´t want to. The imagination made a warm feeling spread in her chest.

 

_She cares about me._

 

This time it took Clarke not that long to answer. She took a deep breath and said: "I can come to your Party. Um...thank you for the invitation."

 

Suddenly a thought shot through her mind. _What if her friends don´t like me?_ It would be a similar situation as in school. They would ignore her and make fun of her. The thoughts of this made a sob escape from her chest. She couldn´t take the thought of going through that again in another place with new people.

 

"Clarke? Is everything alright?" Lexa sounded concerned. She must have heard the sob.

 

"Yeah it´s fine, it´s just..." Her voice broke and she couldn´t contain a second sob. _It will be the same as in School._

 

"What´s up? You don´t have to come. Don´t feel like you have to attend the party or the game. If that´s too much, I understand."

 

"No," She replied as fast as she could. She wanted to watch Lexa play, even if she didn´t exactly know what. Based on the stadium the game was Held in, it must be football. "I want to come. I just thought....what...what if your friends don´t like me?" Her voice was barely audible, just a whisper.

 

"Just be who you are and they´ll love you. My friends are some of the most open people and they´ll really like you. There is no reason to worry, I promise." Lexa´s voice was sincere and Clarke could feel how proud Lexa was of her friends. "Nathan Miller for example. If you don´t want to talk to me anymore and get bored of me at the party, just look for him. He´s decent company."

 

Clarke smiled dumbly. Somehow Lexa managed it again, to sooth her restless mind with just a few sentences. It almost felt as if Lexa knew exactly what she had to do when Clarke was on the edge of loosing control.

 

"Don´t expect me to. I think you´ll be stuck with me then." It wasn´t meant to sound comical in any way but somehow Clarke chuckled herself a little bit as she heard Lexa let out a small laugh.

 

"I hope so. So you´ll be there?" She asked once again, her voice hopeful.

 

"Yes...but I´ve got one last question." Clarke was already emabarrassed by the question she was about to ask.

 

"Okay. Shoot."

 

"What pports am I watching on saturday?"

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa couldn´t contain a hearty laugh that spilled from her lips. The moment it did, though, she was afraid she hurt Clarke. The younger Girl may have thought taht she was making fun of her for asking such a simple question. She didn´t want to give Clarke the feeling she was just another one of all the people that tortured her in school.

 

She was simply not used to being asked that question. Nearly everybody in town knew her by now, because she was the captain, also known as the commander of the college varsity. Some may even call her famous.

 

"Football. I didn´t tell you, right? I hope you´re still coming, even if you have to watch me throwing the ball all over the pitch." Some people didn´t take it well, if they heard what sports she was doing, they alwas said that this was a men´s Sport, but it wasn´t. She loved it. It was her life and nothing was going to change that.

 

"Yes, I´ll still come. So see you on saturday then?"

 

"Yes. I´m looking forward to it. See you then." Lexa beamed and the shit-eating grin on her face probably told the whole world how happy she was right now.

 

"Whoever you talked to...keep her." Lexa lifted her gaze from her phone and saw Nathan standing in front of her with his arms crossed. "I think I saw this smile far too infrequently the past years."

 

She knew what he was referring to, but there was no way she would give up on her good mood. Not even _the story._

 

Lexa´s grin only grew. Clarke didn´t push her away and wanted to spend time with her.

 

This got to be the best day in this whole year for her.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all this positive Feedback. It makes my day, actually.
> 
> Some of you may have noticed that this story is mainly based on dialogue and the thoughts of the protagonists but I hope you still enjoy it. Talking to others made things easier for me myself and I will use that in this story.
> 
> Next chapter will be out tomorrow:)


	9. See you at the show

 

* * *

 

Lexa stood in the lockeroom in front of her team. Arms crossed and stance wide. She was the impersonification of confidence.

 

"Today, we start our new journey to win the championship once again. There is no way I expect less from you than the best you can give today. The Azgeda Warriors are not the best team we will play against this year but they have a few strong and very brutal players. They won´t hesitate to crush your bones within seconds, so keep watch. Roan, their widereciever tackles everyone down, who dares to get in his way. Nia is a bitch. She will trip on your feets and will be trying to slam her shoulder into your guts so again: keep watch. They are not a good team but they´re still a danger."

 

Everybody in the room nodded and waited for their comander to proceed. Nobody dared to speak up to her, not before a game. She scanned her teammates and lifted her chin a bit higher.

 

"I don´t accept a defeat today. If you won´t push yourself to your borders, there will be consequences. I know everybody by now and there´s no way you will be getting out of this without punishment. There are no excuses. Now get out there and start warming up!"

 

Everybody hurried out of the room and that left Lexa alone. She always warmed up before her teammates and will be making her entrance a little later.

 

Her team had to win today. They want to win the Championship again? They have to win. But that was not the only reason. She could impossibly embarass herself in front of a certain blonde, who will be there. Hopefully.

 

Yes, Clarke said she would be coming, but Lexa would understand if that´s too much for her and that she would stay home. Of course it would make her sad, but she would understand. It had to be hard for someone like Clarke, who has always been pushed away and wasn´t wanted, to accept that somebody was there for her and that this somebody, namely Lexa, wanted Clarke around.

 

She took a deep breath and started moving out of the lockeroom. Maybe Clarke was already there and she would be able to talk to her before she had to play. Lexa hoped that would be the case. That may help her focusing entirely on the game and not on the question if Clarke will be there or not.

 

She took a glance on the bleachers. They were packed with a rowdy crowd of students from their university and other viewers. They were already chanting for their team and most of them sported black and red, the colors of Lexa´s team. For a short moment she smirked proudly when she counted at least twenty people with her jersey and that were only some of the viewers sitting to her right. But soon she scanned the crowd again, desperatly trying to find Clarke.

 

She was nearly on her way back into the lockeroom, but then she saw her. Sitting in the third row a few metres to Lexa´s left side. She must have arrived just now, because there was now way Lexa would be able to overlook her while scanning the crowd.

 

The second glance at the blonde knocked the breath out of her lungs. Clarke donned a jersey with Lexa´s number 10 and Woods printed on it´s back. Clarke had bought this shirt just for this game.

 

Nothing held her anymore in place and Lexa started to jog up to the young woman wearing her Jersey.

 

"Hey, Clarke." She greeted somewhat awkwardly. She didn´t exactly know what she wanted to talk about with Clarke but she just had to hear her voice again.

 

"Hey, Lexa." Clarke greeted her shyly, but Lexa couldn´t help recognizing that Clarkes gaze went quickly one time all over her body. It almost seemed as if Clarke was checking her out, or something like that, but what was Lexa thinking? Clarke saw her the first time in football gear, that was probably the reason.

 

"Thank you for coming." Lexa said. She was already in her game-mode and therefore not lacking confidence. "How are you doing?" She tilted her head to the left and eyed the blonde girl cautiously.

 

"I am fine. Looking forward to your game. But I have one question." The blonde donned a small smile, barely noticable.

 

"Shoot. I´ll answer. Well, at least if you don´t want to know how photosynthesis works. That would be something I really don´t know." _Oh my god, what was she babbling? That didn´t even make sense._

 

Clarke let out a little, no, tiny laugh and looked up from the pavement to once again make eye-contact with the older girl now kneeling in front of her. "Why didn´t you warn me that you´re probably the most famous player in this team? It was pure luck that I found the last jersey of yours in the store, which was my size."

 

Lexa couldn´t contain the shit-eating grin that expanded on her face and the small laugh that escaped her lips. She had expected a lot but that? That she didn´t expect. It gave Lexa the feeling that Clarke was warming up to her. Would you ask something like that someone you absolutely can´t stand? Lexa definetly not

 

They had been texting a lot since she invited the younger girl to her game. There wasn´t even a day she wasn´t texting the blonde girl she now finally saw again.

 

Clarke had already earned a soft spot in her heart.

 

"Well, that is a longer story. I´ll tell it after the game, if that´s okay for you?" That story was longer than just the five minutes that she had left before she had to go onto the pitch. "With a decent drink in my hand."

 

Again there was this barely audible laugh that spilled from the blonde´s lips and again, it made Lexa´s heart melt.

 

"Sounds fine for me. Is there anything else I don´t know yet about this game, besides the fact that the probably best player of both teams is now kneeling in front of me?"

 

It seemed as if Clarke was finally getting some courage . She now spoke in complete sentences to her and that made her heart wanting to explode in her chest.

 

"Well, Azgeda plays dirty. Don´t expect a beautiful game, at least not from them. But our team is fantastic this year. We have great players, who will assist me in beating the assholes Nia and Roan. Seriously, they are some of the worst people I´ve ever met."

 

Clarke let out a small snort. Lexa guessed what was going on in the blonde´s head. The younger girl had definetly met worse people, no doubt.

 

_"Make some noise for Azgeda´s Team-captain! Nia Queen..."_

 

Lexa rolled her eyes. Nia always made the biggest thing out of her entrance. She even lets her players bow in front of her as if they were her warriors. It was childish. Lexa herself made a show, too, but it mostly involved her, so called, war paint being aplied by one of her own players, so no big deal.

 

"I have to go. My call is next." She mumbled and got up. Shooting Clarke an apogelectic look. The other girl just smiled and nodded.

 

The cheering for Nia´s show wasn´t even close to the gigantic amount of cheering that erupted as soon as Lexa was announced.

 

_"The captain of the Polis Lions...make some noise for Lexa "The Commander" Woods!"_

 

Lexa walked onto the pitch and she could feel the adrenaline rushing through her veins. That was what she was living for. This exact moment. The cheering in her ears and the pitch in front of her.

 

This time it was Lincoln´s turn to apply her warpaint. Everyone on the team knew exactly what to do. Cover the whole eye-region in black and then dragging three fingers down her cheek.

 

The paint was her way to say that the game was on. It was a silent threat.

 

* * *

 

 

The last few minutes of the game were running. There was no way the Lions were going to lose this game anymore. They had a comfortable advance and Lexa was proud, because the team showed absolutely the best of their ability.

 

But there was one last thing Lexa felt she had to do.

 

She had to show off her talent. It was a cocky and unessesary move but she couldn´t help it. She wanted to embarass Nia and she also wanted to impress the blonde girl sitting in the bleachers just for her.

 

She caught the ball and gave Nathan a sign that he should start running. The widereciever shot forward, expecting the ball coming in his direction. Lexa pulled her arm back and sent the ball soaring through the air.

 

It was a risky move but Lexa knew what she was doing. The ball flew over the whole pitch, nearly eighty yards directly into the end zone. Now Nathan had to be fast enough to catch it before it hits the ground.

 

With his fingertips he caught the ball mid jump and sent it with him to the ground. They made it.

 

"What the hell?" Gustus now stood beside Lexa who donned a smug smirk. That was definetly a defeat for Ontari, she could see it in her eyes. The girl stood on the other side of the pitch but her eyes were ignited by anger.

 

"Definetly worth the risk." Was everything she gave Gustus as an answer, before her gaze was scanning the crowd for blonde, wavy hair. Clarke was grinning at her and Lexa found herself beaming with pride.

 

Embarrasing Nia? Check. Impressing Clarke? Check.

 

The last few minutes went by quickly and as soon as the came was called of and she had the chance to get away from her team, she sprinted towards the girl, now waiting at the bottom of the bleachers.

 

Clarke was still grinning and Lexa made a mental note to do everything in her force just to see that again. It was definetly the most beautiful smile she has ever seen.

 

"What an amzing pass! You absolutely deserve being called the best."

 

Lexa beamed. "I´d say my goodluck-charm, now standing right in front of me may have helped me."

 

 


	10. I won´t let you fall

 

* * *

 

 

_"I´d sy my goodluck-charm, now Standing right in front of me may have helped me."_

 

Wait a second...this couldn´t be the possiblity. There was no way Lexa Woods was now Standing in front of her, having ditched her Team, and was now flirting with her? Clarke just stood there in shock but also awe. This was too good to be true.

 

"It´s the first time I´m watching one of your games. There is no way I can be your goodluck-charm." Clarke said shyly. She didn´t want to hold her hopes high. There was the possibility that the sentence just slipped from Lexa´s lips and she didn´t really want to say something like that.

 

"You say it´s the first time...so I´ll see you around the next time, too?" A smirk was making an appearence on the brunette´s face and Clarke couldn´t help grinning back. Even if it was probably the cockiest smirk she had ever seen, it was something she wanted to see again. And then the warpaint smeared around Lexa´s eyes...that was worth watching another game. She literally looked like a commander who leads her warriors into battle.

 

"Well, if you´re always that good. I will. Your game was absolutely amazing." Clarke said honestly. She meant every word of it. It was for sure an amazing game Lexa and her Team had played and she really planned on watching the game next saturday again. Not only because of the Sports...the Major reason was this incredibly open, understanding and caring Girl in front of her.

 

"I am counting on it. So...you still want to come to my Party?" A worried Expression spread all over Lexa´s Features. Barely Long enough to be noticed but Clarke didn´t fail to recognise it.

 

It seemed as if Lexa really wanted her to be there, the Expression on face told Clarke that she would understand if Clarke didn´t want to come.

 

"If you still want me to be there..." Clarke answered hesistantly.

 

"Of Course. I´ll take a shower and then I´ll drive you over to my place. If that´s fine for you."

 

Clarke nodded. Expecting Lexa to turn around and go for a shower but somehow the older Girl seemed to be glued to the spot she was Standing right now. Clarke tilted her head to the right and eyed Lexa cautiously. WHy wouldn´t she retreat and go for a shower? She cleared her throat in order to pull Lexa out of her daze.

 

"Um, right. Stay here, I´ll get my keys so you can already get into the car. I don´t want you to become sick, since you´re just wearing a Jersey." Lexa shifted her weight from one foot to the other and looked down at the concrete of the bleachers.

 

"Thank you." Was all Clarke could answer. The last sentence was stuck in her mind. _I don´t want you to become sick._ Her heart pounded inher chest. Lexa really did care for her, at least was this something everyone of the older girl´s Actions told Clarke.

 

She watched Lexa´s retreating form. No. Lexa wasn´t retreating, she was sprinting into the direction of what Clarke assumed must be her lockeroom. This gitl had just played an entire football-game and was now sprinting to grab her keys, just because she didn´t want Clarke to become sick? It felt too good to be true.

 

Only half a Minute later, Lexa was sprinting back towards the blond waiting for her. "Here. It´s the black one Standing in one of the for Teams reserved lots. It also has heated seats if you´re cold." Lexa tossed her the keys and Clarke caught them with ease.

 

"I´ll be there in a few minutes." The brunette said while already heading back into the tunnel. Clarke wanted to tell her that she should take her time but honestly? She didn´t want Lexa to to leave her all alone for such a Long time. It was silly but every time Clarke was on her own, she felt fear seeping through her Body.

 

_What if Finn and Murphy or someone else would find me? What would they do to me?_

 

These thoughts came crashing back into her mind and she couldn´t do anything about the tears escaping her eyes on her way toward Lexa´s car. She increased her Speed and nearly sprinted toward the parking lot for the Players.

 

She pushed the button to unlock the car. Mostly to find out which one of the three black ones Standing in a row it was. If the fear hadn´t taken the better of her she would stand there now and watch at the car, which lights were blinking now, in awe. It was a black, brandnew Ford Mustang.

 

But the only Thing she could do in the Moment was slipping into the safety of the car.

 

Finally sitting in the passenger seat, she exhaled deeply. Now they couldn´t do anything. She was locked away from them and they wouldn´t have a Chance to hurt her. Again she took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that streamed down her face.

 

She turned on the Radio. After this Version of Lexa she saw today, she expected nothing less than some rap-tracks waiting to blast her brain away. Yes Rap or Hip-Hop would be something that would fit, but what she heard left her gawking at the Radio.

 

The melodic piano-accords at the start of Lullaby by Nickelback made Clarke grin dumbly. It was one of her favourite Songs and she expected a lot from Lexa but this? Being fan of a rock-ballad? Nope. That definetly not.

 

The song was on an endless Loop and it was the third time the song started playing, as Lexa opened the driver´s door. Clarke smiled at her, but tears once again had made their way down her cheeks. They weren´t necessesarly from being sad, but this song was her song. It was the song that always gave her hope and strength.

 

"Is everything okay? I can drive you home, if you don´t want to come with me." Lexa shot Clarke a concerned look. But Clarke merely grinned wider.

 

"This song..." Clarke didn´t Need to finish the sentence. She didn´t feel the Need to do so, since a look of deep understanding crawled onto the brunette´s Features.

 

"I often listen to it. The Lyrics are so indredibly wise and somehow they give me strength. It Sounds weird I guess but it´s that way." Lexa looked deeply into Clarke´s eyes.

 

_Well, I know the feeling_

_Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge_

_and there ain´t no healing_

_from cutting yourself with the jagged edge_

_I´m telling you that_

_it´s never that bad_

 

Both Girls listened to it quietly, until Clarke had the Courage to speak up. "It´s not weird. I often do the same." She looked at Lexa, who stared straight out of the windshield. It seemed as if the Girl was with her thoughts at an entirely different place.

 

_Please let me take you_

_out of the darkness and into the light_

_´cause I´ve faith in you_

_That you´re going to make it through another night._

 

They both sat there another few Moments in silence until the song was once again over. That seemed to pull Lexa out of her daze and she started the engine.

 

She turned off the endless Loop and now there was some other rock-song playing. Not quite hard-roch but much heavier than the song both of the Girls loved so deeply.

 

"Ready for a blast? They´ll love you!"

 

* * *

 

 

Her teammates hadn´t arrived yet. Lexa assumed they were still pre-gaming in their lockeroom. Normally she didn´t approve of her Players drinking themself into Stupor but right now she needed herself a drink.

 

The Moment in her car only a couple of minutes ago replayed in her mind ad she couldn´t Forget Clarke´s tearcovered cheeks grinning at her. It was, in a weird way, one of the most beautiful Things she had ever seen. Lexa knew that the younger girl´s tears weren´t from sadness, they were from overwhelming.

 

She dragged herself ot of her thoughts and eyes the Girl in front of her. Clarke stood there and looked around her Apartment. "Is this all yours?" Was the only Thing the blonde said.

 

"Well, yes. My parents gifted this Apartment to me on my eighteenth birthday. The day I moved away from them." Lexa smiled at the Memory. That day was one of the few ones her parents were at home and were celebrating with her. That day she nearly felt as if she had a Family.

 

"Wow. That´s impressive." Clarke looked a bit shocked but a slight smile was still planted on her face. It didn´t even crumble a bit through their ride to Lexa´s aparment.

 

"Yeah but my neighbor is creepy. She always asks me on Dates and waits for me in the hallway." Ontari was definetly somebody she could do without.

 

"Okay. Thats definetly creepy." Clarke laughed a Little bit, probably imagining the Situation.

 

"I swear she knows my schedule and the exact times I come home from practice." Now Lexa laughed, too, because who couldn´t when the stand in front of such a beautiful Young woman who was laughing herself? "Anyway, do you want a drink, Clarke? As soon as the others will be here, Monroe and Harper will probably taking all the booze to the Roof and do a shot contest."

 

"Yes. I´ll take what take." Lexa nodded and went into the kitchen to prepare two glasses of Whiskey. Expensive Whiskey, nobody from her Team would get a Hand on.

 

She returned and found Clarke sitting on her Couch and staring out of the window. "Here you go." She handed Clarke the glass and sat down next to the blonde.

 

Similar to the short Moment in the car earlier they sat there in silence. It wasn´t uncomfortable. They both didn´need to talk or fill the silence otherwise.

 

"Ey! Woods where are the Drinks?!" A male voice shouted from the door. "Kitchen." Lexa simply replied.

 

"Wow, over there. And who are you if I might ask?" Now Clarke and Lexa both turned around to see the Young man Standing in front of her. "Clarke? What are you doing here?" He asked happily.

 

Bellamy Blake. "You two know each other?" Lexa asked now, even if the answer was obvious. "Well, she is more or less a friend of my sister. So yeah we know each other." He grinned at the blonde, a Little too bright for Lexa´s liking. "Makes sense. Bell, would you mind turning on the Music?" It was her excuse to send him anywerre but right here. She couldn´t satnd that he was grinning so widely at Clarke, who just rolled her eyes as soon as he was off to turn the Music on.

 

"He is a real pain in the ass." Was all the younger Girl said. Clarke sighed and swirled her drink.

 

"He is. But he is a decent Player." Lexa said. That was exactly what he was for her. Not more not less.

 

* * *

 

 

All in all the Party was a blast. Everybody was having a great time. A lot of alcohol was now flowing through the guest´s veins.

 

"Ey, Lex! Drinking contest! Now! Roof!" Lexa rolled her eyes but grinned nontheless. She loved parties and drinking, even if she only did this a few times around the year. More would be unhealthy.

 

"Come. You Need to see me kicking someone´s ass in this stupid contest!" She dragged Clarke along. The younger Girl simply nodded and let Lexa dragging her onto the Roof. Both Girls were quite intoxicated by now but it didn´t matter to them. They were having a good time.

 

Her Team had accepted Clarke without any complains and Lexa was more than happy to see that Clarke was having a great time, too. The younger Girl laughed openly and she fit into the Group perfectly. She danced with them, drank with them and talked to them a lot.

 

Lexa had taken Clarke´s Hand into her´s and entwined their fingers. Probably it was the alcohol that gave her the Courage to do so but it was just and incredible Feeling. It was comforting, soothing and somehow the most exciting Sensation she had felt in a Long time.

 

"In our left Corner! The Commander! Unbeaten drinking-contest-champion! And in the right Corner! Zoe Monroe!" Bellamy shouted loud enough for everybody to hear.

 

Lexa reluctantly let go of Clarke´s Hand, but she was not going into battle without sending the blonde the cockiest smirk she could muster. She walked over to the small table that had been set up in the middle of the crowd. Shots Standing on it and basically screaming for Lexa to drink them.

 

Monroe got into Position, too and as soon as Bellamy shouted :"Go!" Both Girls were killing one shot after another. At first Monroe was able to Keep up with her but only a Little while and far too many shots later, Lexa set down the last shot glass, now empty, while Monroe still had to drink two.

 

"And the winner is...Lexa Woods!" Bellamy shouted overdramatically and Held Lexa´s fist into the air.

 

The Feeling of victory seeped through her veins and everybody was cheering for her but her eyes could only see one of the many faces in the crowd. A beaming Clarke, who showed her two big thumbs up stood in the front row. Lexa smiled back and stumbled over. "I said Í´d kick ass!" She slurred much to Clarke´s amusement.

 

"I want to celebrate my victory....wanna Dance?" The alcohol definetly got the better of her. Otherwise she would never ask a question like this this way, but who cared? Clarke nodded and Lexa entwined their fingers again.

 

Downstairs in Lexa´s livingroom was the makeshift Dancefloor. The other half of the crowd taht was not occupied with drinking-games spend their time her dancing.

 

Lexa tugged Clarke closer to her, so, that she could place her Hands on the younger girl´s waist. "Is this okay?" She asked again. Even if she was drunk as hell, she didn´t want to push Clarke.

 

The blonde replied by placing her Hands around Lexa´s neck. A warm Feeling was spreading in Lexas chest and she couldn´t help the Goofy smile that was planted on her face. Everything just felt so incredibly good and right now she wanted nothing else than freezing the time and spending the rest of her life in this Moment.

 

They were swaying to the Music blasting from the Speakers and evrything felt perfect, until...

 

* * *

 

 

_Is Lexa really Holding me like this right now? Is this real?_

 

Clarke wanted it so desperatly to be real. It felt just great, warm and comfortable. She smiled at Lexa who donned a similar Goofy smile to her.

 

_Is she Feeling what I´m Feeling?_

 

Probably not. It was most likely the alcohol that made Lexa hold her that way and smile that way, not the fact that she was Feeling the same as Clarke. No. That was impossible. There was no way that Lexa was doing that because she wanted Clarke. It had to be the alcohol.

 

Stupid drunk Clarke! She nearly wanted to scream. How could she believe that something like this was ever going to happen to her? She felt tears making their way down her cheeks and soaking them. She needed air, she couldn´t breathe anymore. She had to run away.

 

"Hey, Clarke. What´s up?" Lexa looked slightly frightened. "Was this too much? We can put some distance between us."

 

Clarke swallowed and shook her head. "I Need some air." Was all she said and then she darted out of the Apartment. Leaving a completely confused Lexa behind.

 

She sprinted the stairs down and as soon as she was outside, she let her tears fall. She slumped against the wall of the Building and Held her head in her Hands. Sbs broke free and she was crying desperatly.

 

 


	11. This life was given to you, because you´re strong enough to live it.

 

* * *

 

What had just happend? Lexa stood there alone on the dancefloor, her gaze still fixed on the door Clarke had just left the apartment through. She couldn´t move. Just a few seconds ago Clarke seemed so happy and their dance... it had felt just inredible.

 

_Did I overstep a boundary? Have I done something wrong?_

 

It took another few moments until Lexa regained the contol over her body. She rushed towards the door and sprinted down the stairs. She ignored Ontari who stood in the hallway and obviously wanted to talk to her. Her thoughts belonged right now only to a certain blonde that happen to run away from her only minutes ago.

 

As soon as she stepped out into the cool of the night, her eyes scanned her surroundings for a blonde girl.

 

Clarke sat there on the ground against a wall and held her head in her hands. Sobs were shaking her entire body she was shivering. Slowly Lexa walked over to the crying girl and kneeled in front of her. Clarke didn´t even react to her presence.

 

"Clarke...Clarke, look at me." She tried softly. When Lexa saw that she wasn´t going to get any reaction from the blonde, she softly placed her left hand on Clarke´s right knee and her right hand cautiously found it´s way to the younger girl´s hands and tried to loosen their grip on her hair and face. "Look at me. I´m right here."

 

Now she didn´t feel the buzz from the alcohol that was in her body. No. She felt painstackingly sober as soon as she saw Clarke´s red, swollen eyes and smudged make-up.

 

"Hey Clarke...I need you to look at me and talk to me. What´s up?" One hand found it´s way to Clarke´s cheek and whiped a tear away. Clarke lifted her gaze and Lexa looked into these blue eyes that had seen far too many tears in their life. But Clarke didn´t say anything. She just sat there and stared into her eyes.

 

"I want to help you, but you have to talk to me. What have I done wrong? Was I too fast forward?" This seemed to made Clarke´s tears fall again. The younger girl shook her head violently.

 

"I..." Her voice broke down and sobs were once again shaking her body. "Hey, shhh, I´m right here, Clarke. You can tell me everything." Lexa took the blondes hands into hers to give her the feeling that somebody was there for her. Somebody that truely cared.

 

Again Clarke lifted her gaze and saw into Lexa´s green eyes. "I...I´m just...a stupid freak." She managed to get out, barely loud enough to be audible.

 

Now it was Lexa´s turn to shake her head. How could somebody like Clarke, a beautiful, intelligent and sometimes really funny person, talk about herself like that? "No, you´re not. You are insecure, yes, but that is a protective mechanism you created to make yourself feel safe. But you´re not stupid, nor a freak. Please believe this. You are far away from being a stupid freak." Lexa meant every word she said to the crying blonde girl sitting in front of her.

 

"But.." Again Lexa shook her head. She knew that Clarke wanted to say the opposite to what Lexa had just told her. "No. Listen to me. I have had the chance to meet a lot of interesting people in my life but, and believe me when I say something like that, nobody I met has such a deep and beautiful character as you. The moment Indra told me about you, well, about your situation, I knew that you had to be someone special. You never gave up and backed down. Yes. You ran away that monday but I would have, too. Everybody would have. Everybody would have long ago changed the school they were visiting but you? You refused to do so. I know that because I know that you´re to strong to back down. Believe me. I say the truth."

 

Lexa couldn´t imagine what must be going on in Clarke´s head all these past years but it was obvious the blonde didn´t think very high of herself. She probably thought that she deserved all this.

 

"Why do you care so much?" The same question Clarke had asked her in their first private conversation. The day she broke down in Lexa´s arms. That day Lexa had said that she wanted to help Clarke because she couldn´t stand the fact that something like that happens to anyone. Now she knew Clarke enough to change that statement.

 

"Because you...you don´t just deserve that this whole bullshit ends. You deserve so mich more. The first time you asked me that exact question I told you that nobody deserved something like that. Now that I got the chance to get to know you, I have to add something to this sentence, Clarke. Nobody deserves living in the hell you had to live in and especially you, you deserve the world. You deserve living a happy life without having to worry. I don´t just care for your situation and problems, like I first did when I heard of you. I care for you, Clarke. For you as the person you are." Now Lexa´s own tears were making their way down her cheeks. She couldn´t stand the fact that somebody like Clarke sat there and was thinking she deserved everyting she had to go through.

 

"You said...I had to l-live in?" Clarke´s eyes now looked somewhat hopeful, but also cautious, as if she was thinking it had been a grammatical mistake Lexa had made.

 

"Yes. I won´t accept you being tortured for one more day. You don´t have to go through this alone anymore. You have me, in school, you can always talk to Indra and it even seemed your mother was willing to take more time for you. It is going to change, but you have to trust me." If Clarke wasn´t willing to trust her, she wouldn´t be able to help her.

 

"I-I do trust you," The younger girl held her gaze fixed onto Lexa´s face. "Just-in there,... I didn´t...I didn´t know what to think. It felt just so nice, warm and safe when you held me...I thought...there was no way that this was true. That you held me that way because you wanted to. I thought you did so because you felt pitty for me. I wanted so badly that you did it because you wanted to but my mind told me that something like that wasn´t possible. That knocked the air out of my lungs and I had to run away." Clarke averted her gaze like she couldn´t look Lexa into the eyes.

 

Lexa let a sad half-smile show on her features. She lifted her hands to Clarke´s cheeks and forced the younger girl to look into her eyes. Her thumbs brushed away the tears that made their way down this beautiful face. "I did it, because I wanted to, Clarke. I wanted to hold you close to me. There is no way I would do something like that because I feel sorry for you. It was solely because I wanted to." Lexa swallowed. She really wanted Clarke near her. She wanted to spend time with her and she wanted her in her life.

 

"I..." Lexa could see the pure overwhelming in Clarke´s eyes. A smile spread now all over her face. She placed her index finger onto Clarke´s lips. "Shhh...I know it is hard to believe for you, but I am right here, sitting in front of you and saying to you that I care for you. I want you near me, Clarke." She whispered.

 

"It´s just...nobody ever told me something like that. It´s just...overwhelming, I guess. I´m so sorry for running away earlier." Again Clarke tried to look in a different direction but Lexa's hands on her cheeks made it impossible for her.

 

"Don´t be. We can go at your pace, if that´s what you want." Lexa brushed her thumb over the younger girl´s cheek and she felt Clarke leaning into the touch. It was meant to be a comforting gesture but it was so much more. It was an understanding for both girls. It was a reassurance that this was really happening. For this moment it was a save haven.

 

They sat there for a while but soon Clarke´s shivering became more violent. Lexa grabbed the blonde´s hands and helped her getting up from the cold ground. "Here." She gave her her letterman and draped it around the younger girls shoulders. Then she tugged at the younger girls arms and pulled her close to her.

 

Clarke nuzzled her nose into the crook of Lexa´s neck and hummed contently. Lexa engulfed Clarke into her arms and began humming the melody of the song that meant so much to both of them. She drew soothing patterns onto the younger girls back and held her tightly.

 

"I meant what I said when I said that I don´t want you to become sick." She murmured after a while. She was rewarded with the smallest of chuckles coming from the girl that was nuzzled into her neck.

 

"Sorry. I didn´t think of grabbing a jacket on my way out." Clarke said then and caught Lexa off guard. "Good I´m here then." She murmured in between her own chuckles. "Yes. Good that you´re here."

 

In this moment Clarke loosened her grip on Lexa´s neck and put the smallest bit of distance between them, so they could look into each others eyes. Lexa´s gaze went for the shortest of moments down to the younger girl´s lips. She swallowed and it took every bit of control that she had over her body, to not grab Clarke´s chin, to not lift it up and not lean down to kiss her.

 

It would be wrong. They were both not entirely sober and Clarke´s breakdown was only minutes ago, plus she promised that she would go by the younger girl´s pace.

 

"Thank you. For...for holding me together." Clarke mumbled, still looking into Lexa´s eyes. The older girl just nodded and hummed.

 

Their moment was suddenly over, when a stumbeling mess of Bellamy Blake with his arms draped around a equally as drunken Zoe Monroe stepped out of the building.

 

"Ey, yo, Woods! Most of the people have called themselves a cab, we´re leaving now!" He shouted, far too loudly. Lexa didn´t even avert her eyes from Clarke. She simply nodded and replied:"Okay. Everybody sticking to my rule?"

 

Bellamy nodded and pointed on Monroe. "Yep! Nobody drives home alone!" Lexa sighed and nodded again. "See you on monday."

 

"I should get going, too then." Clarke said, but Lexa shook her head.

 

"I´m not letting you drive home with a cab all alone. Nobody here is allowed to do so. But they´re all living on the campus so they´re all driving in the same direction, so nobody needs to. I have a guestroom in my apartment, where you can stay, if you want. But, I could also call your mother, but I don´t think she´ll ever let me see you again after she saw that I allowed you to drink alcohol." Lexa laughed nervously. She didn´t think that she could handle that the blonde in front of her was ripped out of her life again. And Clarke´s eyes, pure horror written into them, told her that she thought the same.

 

"Definetly not my mom." She managed to get out.

 

Lexa nodded and offered Clarke her hand. "I thought so. I´ll show you your room." She said with a small smile plastered on her face.

 

On their way up they met several people from the party, staggering their way downstairs. They all had at least one other person they were leaving the party with and Lexa smiled proudly. There weren´t many rules on her parties but this one was by far the most important one. She couldn´t risk that anybody leaves the party alone, because the streets at this time in the night were absolutely dangerous. Junkies, drunk and criminals were ruling the streets at night.

 

In the apartment itself were only a couple of people left that were kicked out quickly. The clock on the wall told Lexa it was already 4am and therefore time for the party to be over.

 

"Okay...here, follow me." Lexa had her fingeres entwined with Clarke´s and led her down the hall, past the chaos her team had left behind, into her guestroom. "This is your room...I´ll get you some clothes you can sleep in." She smiled and reluctantly let go of Clarke´s hand.

 

She went into her own bedroom and searched in her closet for one of her trainingsshirts and some sweatpants. As soon as she grabbed the things, she went into the kitchen, filled two cups with water and took a few painkillers from her cabinet. She and Clarke would probably them need in the morning.

 

She walked back into the guestroom and found Clarke sitting on the king-sized bed and staring out of the floor-to-ceiling-window. "Here you go. Clothes and some stuff to survive the morning." She grinned at the younger girl and was about to leave when Clarke spoke up. "Thank you."

 

They both knew it wasn´t just about Lexa letting Clarke stay in her apartment. It was about everything the brunette had done for Clarke.

 

Lexa turned around one last time and nodded. "Sleep well, Clarke."

 

With that she left the room and walked into her own one. She changed into briefs and a sportsbra to sleep in and let herself drop onto her bed. Now that she layed down, her head was spinning and the world around her seemed to focus and unfocus all the time.

 

Partly it was because of the drinks she had had but mostly? Mostly her head was spinning because of a certain blonde that slept in the room two doors down the hall.

 

 


	12. I'd come for you

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke tried so hard to sleep, but no matter what she did, she couldn´t. She tossed and turned around for at least three hours.

 

"Fucking shit!" She grumbled as soon as she saw that it was already seven o´clock. She hadn´t slept at all and her head was pounding as if someone was in there and trying to punch his way out.

 

She knew the reason, why she couldn´t sleep. The reason was sleeping two doors down the hall. Her thoughts only were about Lexa and what the older girl had said before. Lexa had told Clarke, that she wanted her close, that she wanted to be a part in her life. These thoughts made Clarke smile like dumbass, but she didn´t mind. The negative factor was she wasn´t able to get any rest.

 

 _It felt so nice, to be close to Lexa. To feel her protective arms around me._ Clarke thought.

 

She missed the feeling of having the brunette´s arms hold her tightly. They made her feel protected and so incredibly happy, even if she wasn´t really able to show that. Not even her mother´s hugs would make her feel something like that.

 

Again she turned around and let out a huff. There was no point in trying to get any sleep, unless...

 

No. She would make an absolute fool out of herself, if she would crawl into Lexa´s bed. But it was probably the only chance she got to get some rest at all. In her head was a battle. A) She would be an idiot and Lexa would laugh at her or B) She wanted so badly to have the older girl close to her again. Plus, Lexa would never laugh at her, wouldn´t she?

 

Clarke rubbed her temples and made her decision. She got up and sighed.

 

Slowly she stepped out of her room and tried to make no noise. She was still slightly tipsy and therefore it was more than difficult to take all the obstacles in but somehow she managed it not to destroy any of Lexa´s decoration or furniture.

 

She stood in front of the white door that led into Lexa´s room. She took a deep breath and knocked slowly. Then she opened the door cautiously when she heard a small grunt from inside.

 

"Clarke, what´s up?" Lexa looked positively concerned as soon as she saw the girl standing in her doorway, looking somehow defeated. Clarke took again a deep breath and walked further into the room. "Can´t sleep." She murmured shyly. Suddenly afraid that even if she knew better, Lexa would start laughing. But, no. She didn´t.

 

Lexa lifted her blanket high enough, so that Clarke could slip in next to her. As soon as Clarke climbed into the bed, she laid her head down on Lexa´s shoulder and sighed contently. She felt so incredibly warm and positively giddy to be that close to the brunette.

 

Lexa placed her arm around Clarke´s waist, to hold her even closer. "Is that okay?" She asked.

 

Clarke just nodded and nuzzled further into the brunettes neck. Now she felt safe. Now she was able to shut her mind of, because it had what it wanted. She was close to Lexa again.

 

It didn´t take long for both girls to fall asleep then. Lexa was drawing light circles onto Clarke´s back and the younger girl sighed.

 

* * *

 

 

Later that morning, Clarke woke up, feeling all warm. Only when she opened her eyes she remembered why she felt that good. She was still nuzzled into the brunette´s neck and felt Lexa´s arm draped around her waist. Their feet were entangled and her head was lifted every time Lexa took a breath. She smiled and sighed.

 

This must be a dream. It felt so incredible. She couldn´t describe it and suddenly she felt like she never wanted to wake up alone anymore.

 

"Morning." She heard Lexa mumble. The older girl sounded as if she had woken up only moments ago, her voice gruff from the lack of use. Clarke smiled even wider and nuzzled deeper into the crook of Lexa´s neck.

 

"Good morning." She answered.

 

They didn´t talk for a while. Both girls were just enjoying the feeling of having each other close.

 

Some time later, Clarke´s stomach grumbled and reminded her of how hungry she felt. Lexa let out a small chuckle. "It seems as if there´s somebody hungry."

 

Clarke just grumbled something under her breath. She didn´t want to get up for multiple reasons. Her head was killing her, she felt somewhat nauseous and the most important reason, she didn´t want to loose the comfort and warmth that she felt, because of Lexa.

 

"I´ll make some breakfast. Join me?" Lexa said then and was already trying to get up, but Clarke wouldn´t let her. "I don´t want to get up." She mumbled then and pulled Lexa impossibly closer.

 

"Your stomach literally grumbled only a minute ago. You have to eat. Plus, my pancakes at incredible!" Clarke just rolled her eyes and let go of Lexa. The older girl was right. She had to eat something or else she wouldn´t survive this day.

 

Lexa got up and Clarke closed her eyes again but only until she heard again this absolutely beautiful chuckle from the other side of the room. "Come on, sleepyhead. You don´t want to miss my pancakes." Clarke smiled and opened her eyes.

 

What she saw struck her like a lightening. Lexa stood there only in sportsbra and briefs. Her eyes widened and she felt her mouth fall open slightly. She had known before that Lexa did sports, but that? Her abs were visible now as well as her toned legs and arms. She looked like a goddess and Clarke couldn´t help staring.

 

"See something you like?" Lexa asked then, teasing the younger girl for her intense staring.

 

"Um..." Clarke shook her head in order to collect her thoughts. "Probably." Was everything she could get out. She was rewarded with a small laugh from the girl standing a few feet away. She bit her lip and then got up.

 

Now it was Lexa´s turn to feel quite flustered.

 

Clarke looked at her with a big question mark written all over her face. What made Lexa look like that? She wore a simple shirt and sweats, nothing that would be in any way hot.

 

"Well, um..." The brunette cleared her throat awkwardly and smiled nervously. "My practice-jersey fits you well."

 

Now Clarke understood what was going on in Lexa´s head and turned red. "Thank you, I guess?" She then asked shyly.

 

* * *

 

 

They ate breakfast in silence, but it didn´t bother them. Lexa hadn´t lied when she said that her pancakes were good. Nope. They were otherworldly. There was no way Clarke could do them any better.

 

After they cleaned the dishes and were about to walk back into their bedrooms, Lexa turned around and faced Clarke. "Um, Clarke?" She then asked the younger girl.

 

"Yes, what´s up?" The blonde said. What did Lexa want to talk to her about? She could imagine what it was but she wasn´t sure she was right.

 

She was right.

 

"My parents called yesterday. They told me that they were free this evening and that they want to have dinner with you and your mom, is that okay for you? I didn´t want to ruin your good mood after the game and later, it didn't...fit into our talk. Sorry I didn´t tell you earlier...I.." Lexa babbled and Clarke nearly wanted to laugh.

 

"It is fine for me, but I don´t think my mother will be able to come. She took another double-shift today." Her voice showed much more pain about that than it should and she couldn´t help but stare at her feet and shift her weight from one to the other. Her mother had promised her that she wouldn´t work that much anymore but what was the case? Her mother was taking shift after shift at the hospital1 and was now seemingly never at home. She hadn´t even called to ask were Clarke had stayed the night.

 

"Well, then. If you´re fine without your mother being there...I could go with you. Only if that's okay for you, of course."

 

Clarke smiled at the nervous young woman standing in front of her. "I wanted you to come with me anyway. You know so much more about me than she...and I trust you." She took Lexa´s hands into hers and ran soothing motions over her knuckles.

 

"Really?" Lexa looked somewhat hopeful and Clarke didn´t exactly know why.

 

"Yes. My mother...she wouldn´t have been a big help anyway. Not as much as you are. You calm me down just with your presence and somehow you know exactly what I am thinking. Please come with me."

 

"Of course." There was a short moment of silence between them, but Lexa spoke up a few seconds later. "So, um...do you have plans for today? I would like to show you something."

 

Clarke recognized how hopeful Lexa sounded. She smiled and nodded. "I don´t have plans. But neither I have clothes to wear for the trip." She laughed nervously. There was no way she could wear the clothes from yesterday again. They were full of booze and beer and smelled badly.

 

"I´ll get you something to wear. You got comfortable shoes? It will take a while to walk to that place."

 

Clarke nodded. "Yeah. Mine are good."

 

* * *

 

 

"Will you tell me where we are going? We´re walking for almost an hour through the forest." Clarke complained but smiled nonetheless.

 

Lexa smiled right back and started walking backwards in front of Clarke so that she could face her. "It´s the route I´m jogging every morning. We´re almost there." She pointed towards a small clearing that came into view slowly.

 

"Thank god! You are really jogging the whole way up here, every morning?" Clarke looked stunned.

 

"Well, not today. But, yes, every day. I love the forest here and the place we´re going to manages every time to catch my breath." It was true. They were hiking towards the hill, Lexa visits every morning.

 

They walked a little while longer and then they stood on top of the hill.

 

"Wow! The view is amazing." Clarke swooned as soon as she saw how far she could look. "Now I get why you´re torturing yourself every day to see this."

 

"The view definitely is amazing." Lexa mumbled. But, she wasn´t looking down the hill. She was admiring the blonde standing in front of her smiling widely. Clarke stood there like a goddess watching her subjects.

 

"You aren't even looking." Clarke said laughing nervously. Lexa shook her head and felt the heat creeping up her neck. She was sure, she had turned red.

 

"No. My view is better." She walked over to Clarke and took her hands into her own. They just stood there forgetting about everything else in this world. The dinner with Lexa´s parents was far away as was Clarke´s mother who had obviously broken her promise.

 

Lexa closed her eyes to take it all in. The birds chirping, the wind lightly blowing and the blonde holding her hands. When she opened them again, she found blue eyes staring on her lips.

 

She had to wait for Clarke. She had promised they would go at her pace.

 

She saw the younger girl biting her lower lip as if she was trying to figure something out. Suddenly she lost the feeling of warm hand in her own and missed it instantly.

 

_Was Clarke retreating? Was this too much?_

 

No.

 

Clarke placed her hands around Lexas neck and pulled her smoothly closer. Lexa grinned and placed her hands on the younger girl´s waist. She couldn´t wait for what was coming and leaned in, too.

 

She felt warm lips on her own and immediately her knees became weak. Electric pulses were rocking through her entire body and she closed her eyes. Clarke´s mouth moved perfectly in sync with hers and it made Lexa grin into their kiss.

 

It was light and delicate, but it was enough to leave both girls panting when Clarke pulled away slightly and rested her forehead against Lexa´s. They smiled like idiots but it didn´t bother them.

 

"Wow." Lexa hummed and smiled even wider when she leaned back in for a light kiss.

 

"Wow yourself." Clarke chuckled and looked into green eyes that shone with happiness.

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!
> 
> I just wanted to thank everybody for the positive feedback you have given me and the the story. This means a lot to me.
> 
> Today´s topic is definitely fluff! Why? Because they both deserve some happiness, at least for a little while.
> 
> Next Friday I will post the chapter including the dinner with Lexa´s parents so stay tuned for an emotional rollercoaster!
> 
> Nickelback21

 

* * *

 

 

_Was this real? Did that just really happen?_

 

Lexa opened her eyes again and found blue ones looking at her. It seemed to be true, because she could still feel this incredible sensation of Clarke´s soft lips on her own. Clarke had just kissed her and she wanted to jump from happiness. Lexa could still feel some electric pulses rocking through her body where Clarke was touching her and it made her knees weak.

 

The reality was so much better than the thoughts and dreams she had had about the blonde. Her lips were even softer as she had been able to imagine.

 

Clarke still had her arms around Lexa´s neck and held her close. Their foreheads touching and both absolutely stunned by the feelings that were seeping through their veins. Lexa could hear her own heartbeat in her ears and it was a lot faster than usual.

 

"That was amazing." She breathed out and was then rewarded with the smallest of chuckles from the blonde that occupied her entire mind. Even if it was barely audible, it was definitely the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. It sounded melodic and a little bit shy.

 

"What´s so funny?" The brunette asked then. Yes, she loved hearing Clarke chuckle, but she would like to know the reason, why Clarke was chuckling.

 

"Only a short time ago I would have laughed at the idea that something like this," She pointed onto both of them. "Would ever happen to me. You...changed me for the better. Before we met, I never would have let somebody into my life that fast, but...I don´t know. You make me feel safe, protected and you give me the feeling that you understand me. You aren´t just someone that barged into my life and disappeared as fast as he or she could. Yes. Technically, you barged into my life, but somehow...you´re different. I was able to trust you more than my own mother in this short amount of time. We met only a week ago, but..."

 

"It feels like we´ve known each other for much longer." Lexa finished what Clarke was about to say with a goofy smile on her face. Everything the blonde hat said was true. Lexa felt the same and therefore she knew, too, that these words weren´t enough to say what it feels like to be with Clarke. It was so much more than words could ever express. The sparkling sensation every time they touched or the just these deep and meaningful conversations they had already shared. Not to forget the kiss...incredible and amazing weren´t words that were strong enough to express what it had felt like, kissing this beautiful, on the inside and out, blonde girl, whose forehead was still against her own one.

 

"You encouraged me to come out of my small shell I build up over the years and somehow it feels like I can breathe again when I´m with you. I can forget everything and just focus on you. That is the greatest gift that was ever given to me." Clarke smiled with closed eyes.

 

Lexa couldn´t resist. She missed the feeling of these wonderful lips on her own ones and Clarke had just said something that made her heart want to explode in joy. She once again leaned down towards the girl, that was just a little bit smaller than her, and kissed her gently. Clarke was right. She was able to forget everything while being with the blonde girl.

 

Their kiss was gentle and soft, but the meaning behind it was so much more.

 

When they let go of each other´s lips, they were both panting from happiness and also from being completely stunned by the sensation of the kiss.

 

"Thank you so much." Lexa mumbled incoherently. Every stranger would now ask why she thanked Clarke, but the blonde understood without having to ask. It was a thank for multiple things.

 

_Thank you for being here with me._

_Thank you for tanking the first step._

_Thank you for letting me in._

 

In her eyes, Lexa could see that Clarke understood it. They shone brightly and it almost seemed as if they were battling with the sky about who was the more beautiful blue. Definitely Clarke´s eyes. That wasn´t even a question.

 

Clarke´s eyes had made blue Lexa´s new favourite color in the world. They were always so bright and every time the younger girl laughed, they turned into an even brighter shade.

 

* * *

 

 

They stayed a while longer on top of the hill, but soon it was already time for them to head back.

 

But they never left the other´s side. Their fingers were entwined and they walked close to each other, enjoying the feeling of warmth and comfort.

 

"Shall I bring you home, so you can prepare yourself for later?" She hated to have to bring up this topic again, but there was no way around it. It was already late afternoon and in three hours, they would meet up with Lexa´s parents.

 

"If that doesn´t bother you...it would be nice." Clarke said while grabbing her clothes from yesterday. "Um...I´ll give you your clothes back later, if that´s fine." She mumbled.

 

Lexa wanted to laugh at this incredible adorableness. "Keep them." She said while walking closer to Clarke. "They suit you better than me."

 

They did indeed. Clarke looked absolutely stunning in these clothes. But somehow, Lexa couldn´t get the image of Clarke wearing her practice-jersey this morning out of her head. Now in normal clothes she looked stunning, but in that jersey? That was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Yes. It was slightly cocky, but Lexa didn´t care. She liked the imagination of Clarke wearing a shirt, her shirt, with her name printed onto it´s back.

 

"But..." Clarke wanted to say something against keeping these clothes, but Lexa just smirked.

 

"I´ve got more than enough and again, these clothes suit you perfectly. Please keep them."

 

What she didn´t say was, that she really enjoyed the thought of Clarke having something that belonged to her. That the blonde would have a piece of her with her.

 

Clarke just huffed and nodded. Even if she would try to argue further, Lexa would never back down and this was something Clarke already learned about her, so the younger girl gave up.

 

"By the way...were are we eating tonight? I want to dress appropriately."

 

Lexa couldn´t help the small smile that made it´s way onto her face. She really liked the idea of Clarke being dressed up. Preferably in a dress. "The restaurant my parents picked is called Monet´s. I hope you like some French food?"

 

Clarke´s mouth fell open and she gasped. "Monet´s is freaking expensive! I could never pay that!"

 

It was true, Monet´s was an upperclass French restaurant in the city-center and it is one of the best in the whole city. Lexa loved it there. It´s cozy and beautifully decorated, the food is also otherworldly. Her parents had often taken her to this restaurant when she was younger and still lived with them. And sometimes these evenings felt as if she had a family.

 

"You don´t have to. My parents will pay." Technically her parents owned that building and they never had to pay, but she didn´t want Clarke to think of her like she was the rich, spoiled brat from her parents.

 

"They do all this without me paying for their services and now they pay my food? I can never repay this." Clarke panicked and started pacing around, until Lexa wrapped her fingers around the blonde´s wrists to stop the pacing.

 

She looked into eyes that had the word panic written all over them. "Clarke, breathe. It´s fine. Remember what I told you yesterday?" She looked into the younger girls eyes and stroke gently over Clarke´s knuckles. The blonde nodded and waited for Lexa to continue. "Sometimes you meet people that just want to help you. My parents, well..., they do this because they want to help you. You can trust them."

 

Lexa did, too. She had faith that her parents would play a big role in changing Clarke´s life for the better. They were literally some of the best in the whole world and never lost a case. In the courtroom they were positively scary and not even Lexa would allow herself to speak up to them. The boys that had hurt Clarke, had no chance to win this. They would go home as the losers they were and never step back into Clarke´s life.

 

They stood there for a while, Lexa drawing soothing patterns onto Clarke´s palm with her right hand and with the left she gently caressed the blondes cheek. "Everything is alright. You can do this." She murmured softly.

 

Clarke closed the gap between them and left a feather-light kiss on Lexa´s lips. "What have I done to deserve someone like you? This has to be a dream."

 

"You are who you are. That makes you deserving the world." Lexa whispered as she rested her forehead against Clarke´s.

 

"You deserve the world." Lexa mumbled again and looked into bright blue eyes.

 

 

 


	14. Maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel

* * *

 

 

Clarke has been pacing through her room since Lexa dropped her off. She was neither able to form coherent thoughts in her brain, nor was she able to calm herself.

 

_What if they don´t like me and won´t help me? What if I blow this up? What if I´m not strong enough to tell them?_

 

She felt nauseous and weak.

 

This could be the beginning of the end of all of that has happend to her. It could be the beginning of a new life, a better one. Now she had Lexa by her side, even if she still couldn´t believe this.

 

Lexa...the first girl that she ever kissed. The first girl she had some true feelings for.

 

She didn´t want to put a name on these feelings, not yet. She wasn´t even sure what they were besides strong.

 

Lexa made her feel so incredibly happy and with her she was able to forget the world. School, her mom, Finn and Murphy... all this didn´t matter to her when she was with Lexa. Instead of fear and self-doubts, she felt happy and safe. Lexa was the only person in this world besides her father that could make her smile, hell, even laugh. Normally she didn´t do such things, but with Lexa? It was different.

 

A quick glance on her watch made her mouth hang wide open. "Fuck!" She coursed, stopped her pacing and ran towards her closet. She dug through every drawer and threw every dress she owned onto her bed. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" She hissed again.

 

Clarke had absolutely no idea what she was going to wear. What was she supposed to wear while meeting her lawyers and parents of her best friend for whom she might have some feelings?

 

"To red...to fancy...to business...fuck!" One dress after another flew onto the ground as she tossed them behind her. Then she saw the light-blue dress, she bought a couple of months ago, because it matched with her eye-color. It was pretty simple but somehow a little elegant. The dress was not one for partying nor for a business-meeting. (Not that she did either of these two things.) It had a small diamond belt and the front side was a little shorter than the backside.

 

As quickly as she could she dressed and rushed into the bathroom. She had literally five minutes left for make-up. Great.

 

Clarke kept her make-up natural and simple, not wanting to overdress. She took a glance at her watch and sighed in relief. Lexa had to be here any minute.

 

As if Lexa could read thought, the doorbell rang and Clarke hurried downstairs and yanked the door open.

 

What she saw made her breath stuck in her throat. Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened.

 

Lexa stood there in a white button-up with black pants and a vest from a tux.

 

But Clarke was not the only one gaping, Lexa stood there, too, with her mouth wide open and unable to breathe.

 

"Clarke. You look...absolutely beautiful." The older girl breathed out and scratched the back of her neck. A trait Clarke has noticed that showed a bit of overwhelming and shyness. Yes. Lexa Woods was able to act shy.

 

"You look stunning, too." Clarke was able to get out while still taking the view of Lexa in. How was she supposed to concentrate now?

 

Lexa cleared her throat and reached out with her hand to take Clarke´s left hand into her right one. "I, um...would really like to...look at you longer, but we have a dinner to attend." She murmured. Now sounding somehow insecure.

 

Clarke closed her mouth and took Lexa´s hand. She allowed herself to breathe and closed her eyes for a second.

 

"Is everything okay? If that´s too much...we can ditch the meeting. They would understand." Lexa eyed her with worry written all over her face. "They won´t be angry or something like that, nor would they stop working on your case." Lexa had stopped their walk towards her Mustang and brought her free hand up to the blonde´s cheek.

 

"No! It´s fine. It´s just a big step...and I don´t know if I´ll be able...to tell everything. " Clarke was seriously scared. What if her story wasn´t enough? What if she wasn´t strong enough to tell it?

 

"Take your time. I´ll be by your side, okay? If you want, you can hold and squeeze my hand whenever you need to." Lexa squeezed her hand softly and brushed her thumb over Clarke´s cheek. "You can do it. I believe in you."

 

* * *

 

 

The whole ride, Clarke wasn´t really able to talk. In her head she replayed all of the scenarios that could possibly happen. There were far too many.

 

Lexa seemed to sense how tensed Clarke was and took her hand into hers and drew soothing patterns on the back of her palm while driving them to Monet´s.

 

"Clarke, we´re here." She said softly. Trying not to rip Clarke out of her haze to sudden.

 

Slowly the fog of thoughts in her head cleared and she shifted back into reality. She shook her head one time to focus and then looked at Lexa. The brunette was donning a half-smile, shy and barely noticeable. It was a kind of smile Clarke thought only she was able to see. It was a smile for Clarke. One that reassured her and gave her at least a little bit of confidence. "You can do it." Lexa said again and squeezed her hand which she hadn´t let go of since the beginning of their ride.

 

Clarke let out a breath and nodded. She could do it. With Lexa, she could do it.

 

They let go of each others hand, stepped out of the car and walked into the restaurant. Restaurant wasn´t even a word for this palace. Marble pillars were supporting the roof that was incredibly high. Expensive paintings were decorating the walls, gigantic chandeliers were hanging from the ceiling. All this left Clarke breathless. She had never been in such a fancy restaurant. Of course, she had been in some elegant ones but they weren´t able to hold a candle to this. Her parents were wealthy but seemingly not as rich as the people  who are eating here.

 

"Miss Woods and Miss Griffin. Please follow me. Your parents are in one of the private rooms in the back." Lexa took Clarke´s hand as soon as she must have recognized that the girl was still admiring the architecture and not about to move.

 

The contact ripped Clarke out of her haze and sent electric pulses through her body. Lexa Woods held her hand in a public place, for everyone to see. It was probably just to get Clarke following the waitress, but it meant so much more to Clarke.

 

Lexa wasn´t ashamed of her. She showed to everybody that they are at least good friends and this in such a fancy, public place. This made Clarke´s heart flutter and her cheeks turn red.

 

"You´re okay?" Lexa sked then as she tucked Clarke along. The blonde was just able to nod, still overwhelmed and stunned by everything. The restaurant, Lexa and the meeting.

 

They walked through a long hallway into the area where Clarke assumed the private rooms were. Even this hallway was decorated with expensive stuff that probably cost more than Clarke´s whole furniture in her room.

 

Then they stopped in front of a dark, wooden door. "Your parents await you. I hope you will enjoy your evening." The waitress disappeared and left Clarke and Lexa alone.

 

"Ready?" Lexa asked and looked at Clarke. The blonde took one last deep breath and then nodded. "Yes."

 

The entered and were greeted by a tall, bulky looking man and a truly beautiful, dark haired woman. Lexa didn´t let go of Clarkes hand. No, She held it tightly to reassure the blonde girl.

 

"Miss Griffin. It is a pleasure to finally meet you." The man had stepped forward and reached out his hand. "Lexa told us so much about you." Reluctantly, Clarke let go of Lexa´s hand and shook both adults´ hands. Their handshake was firm, but Clarke already learned to do the same from her father. It showed confidence.

 

"Not that much." Clarke could nearly feel Lexa rolling her eyes and had to stifle a laugh.

 

"Okay. I think we´ll get right to it, if that is okay for you. You probably want to get it over with, right?" The man looked sincere. He definitely knew how to treat nervous clients, Clarke thought.  He motioned for her to sit down and dragged out her chair.

 

"Thank you." She mumbled and he just nodded. It probably was the most normal thin in the world for him, but for Clarke it was most definitely not.

 

Lexa sat down right beside her and Clarke could feel a warm hand entangling itself with her own. The gesture calmed her down and her heartbeat slowed a little bit. Lexa was there. If it would become too much, she´d still have her to lean on.

 

"Okay Miss Griffin, or may I call you Clarke? What do you prefer?" Lexa´s mother then asked.

 

"Clarke is fine." She somehow hated being called Miss Griffin. It sounded so incredibly stiff and it simply didn´t fit. Her last name didn´t fit to her.

 

"Okay , Clarke. It´s Becca and Ryder then for you, too." The brunette woman paused for a short moment and showed a small smile. Now Clarke could see it. Becca´s smile looked exactly like the little ones Lexa sometimes showed. She looked like the older version of Lexa right now. "I can imagine that this is not easy for you, but maybe, we can begin with you telling us your story. Feel free to tell us everything, but if you don´t want to it is fine, too."

 

Clarke swallowed. _That´s it._ She knew that this was coming. She knew she wouldn´t be able to avoid this. And she knew she could do it.

 

Lexa´s parents seemed nice and understanding. Clarke could sense something like that, but she could sense the tension between parents and daughter, too. Lexa sat straight and somehow had put on a mask as soon as they had entered the room.

 

She took a deep breath in. This was going to be a long story. And it´ll be the first time she tells the whole story.

 

"Okay...well, um, it started when I got into high-school. In freshmen year I somehow failed to make friends. I could find nobody that seemed to have the same hobbies or at least interests like me. I have always been an...introverted person," She had to swallow again. The memories of her first year were the pure horror. "I had a hard time making friends while everybody...had found a group of friends for themselves. The first few months...I, um, tried to get into one of these groups by spending my breaks with them. Or at least I tried to do so. All the time...they sent me away, because they had to discuss some secrets. That was what they said, at least...it was their excuse to avoid spending time with the outsider..." Tears were welling up in her eyes and she felt a squeeze of her hand. Lexa was still there and she was going nowhere. "Over the time...I stopped trying and just was on my own. I often drew in my breaks and put headphones into my ears. I...I wanted to black everything out. During sophomore year I met Raven Reyes and Octavia Blake...they´re somehow...not really my best friends. My only friends besides Lexa. But...I was already so closed off...I just never let them in entirely...I couldn´t. It sounds stupid,...but there is some kind of barrier in my head that tells me...that tells me that I have to protect myself from being let down." A tear made its way down Clarke´s cheek and she brushed it away furiously. Perfect. She was crying already and now they must think she is a freak.

 

Again she felt a squeeze and a thumb that ran soothing patterns onto the back of her hand. She took a deep breath and continued.

 

"This...I think...I think has to do with my mother. I..I can not count the times she ditched me for her work. Even now...she had promised to me that she´ll take more time for me, but...guess who´s working tonight?" She laughed somehow bitterly and failed to recognize how Lexa´s parents stiffened at this statement. "My father was always there for me...but now he is working in Africa and I can not contact him." The thought of her father warmed her heart a little bit, but also filled it with fear. She hadn´t heard from him in months. She didn´t even know how he was doing right now.

 

"The first two years I was simply a outsider...they let me be. At the end of sophomore year I was even able to live with this. I accepted it. Then in the summer-break, I made the biggest mistake in my life. I started dating...Finn Collins..." She had to swallow at the name of her main tormentor. Becca nodded in understanding and waited for Clarke to continue.

 

"Finn was just so charming, caring and obviously the best actor at school. He had at least three other girls he..." She cleared her throat. Not willing to describe it any further. "I, um, made the biggest fool out of myself, because I really thought he loved me. But that was...foolish. Finn was the famous boy every girl in school was swooning for and I fell for that idiot. After that...I don´t know what he told everybody, but...everything changed. B...bullying was now a normal thing in my life. It started with verbal insults...like 'Bitch' or something like that...but...a..after a while, they...the.." Her voice broke. She wasn´t able to hold back the tears anymore. Now she had to explain the hardest part of it...the part that really damaged her for her entire life.

 

"It´s okay Clarke. Do you want to take a break?" Lexa asked and turned her entire body, so she could face the blonde entirely. They both failed to notice the interested gazes of Lexa´s parents towards them.

 

Clarke just shook her head. No. She had to finish this.

 

"They started pushing me around...against lockers. Then at some point during junior year...Finn and his friend John Murphy...started...they started beating me for the next best reason. Since then...nothing has changed. I think you already know the story of the first day of school this year?" She didn´t want to tell this part again. It was not that long ago and the wounds were still fresh.

 

She was relieved when she saw Becca and Ryder nod. "Lexa told us. Clarke, this is a story, that really pains us to hear. Nobody should go through this and we´re more than happy to help you to stop this." Ryder spoke up with a sincere and truly pained look on his face. Somehow Clarke believed him. She believed that they will end this.

 

They sat a while in silence. Everybody trying to process what Clarke had just told them. She, herself was trying not to drown in these memories, not to loose herself in this darkness again.

 

A knock on the door interrupted their silence.

 

The waitress entered and must have immediately noticed the tension between the guests, because her fake-smile faltered for a second, before it was back in place.

 

"May I take you orders, or do you wish me to come back later?"

 

 

 


	15. Keep me by your side

 

* * *

 

 

They ordered their dinner and sat a while longer in silence. Lexa never let go of the blonde´s hand and never stopped caressing her palm. The story had hit her like a bus at full speed and she felt anger bubbling inside her.

 

Finn had told everyone that Clarke was the reason their relationship ended...god knows what he told about her. Probably that Clarke had cheated on him, while he was the actual asshole.

 

No matter how much she wanted to slam her fist on this darn table and to make Finn personally clear that he better not messes around with Clarke anymore, she had to remain calm. For Clarke. She was doing it for the girl that didn´t deserve the life that was given to her. But seriously, right now, Lexa wanted nothing less than drive over to this idiot and make it clear to him, that if he messes with Clarke one more time...he wouldn´t get out of this without serious damage.

 

_It is going to happen. The case will destroy his life and will make it impossible for him to regain control over it. He will never get a job or a family...he´ll have nothing._

 

She glanced over at Clarke and found her looking with an absolute blank expression. She was choking down the sobs that were obviously trying to escape her throat. Clarke had to cry but didn´t allow herself to do so.

 

"Hey...look at me." Lexa murmured, quiet enough so that her parents won´t hear much more than a whisper. "Clarke...look at me." The younger girl didn´t react. She was in a deep haze and Lexa had to pull her out of it. She brought one hand to the blonde´s cheek and coaxed her into looking in her direction.

 

Now Clarke seemed to snap back into reality. Her eyes widened and she let out a staggered breath. "It´s okay, can you hear me? Breathe...Clarke." Her thumb was drawing circles onto Clarke´s cheek and everything around her, her parents, the restaurant, even the waitress that brought their food, was vanishing from her view. She only saw Clarke.

 

She slowed her breath and signalised Clarke to match her breathing. Lexa carefully slowed their pace and brought it back to normal.

 

Clarke was now breathing normally again and her panic-attack seemed almost to be over.

 

"I´m sorry." She then mumbled. Becca was smiling sadly at her and Ryder looked worried.

 

_They never looked at me like this. Not one time._

 

Technically they were her parents, but in her eyes, they weren´t. Parents showed their daughter that they care for her and won´t send their only child away as soon as there is another opportunity to expand their empire. They had left her alone almost her entire life.

 

Lexa gritted her teeth but coaxed herself to swallow down the emotions that were bubbling inside her.

 

She shouldn´t think that way. Today was about Clarke and not about her first-world-problems.

 

"Don´t be." Lexa then answered before her parents could. "I´m not sure I´d be able to tell something like this. You did great and I´m so proud of you." She murmured then. All she wanted to do was engulf her in a hug and never let her go. She wanted to kiss her and reassure her that everything will be over soon.

 

"Do you think we should proceed, or do you want to meet a second time? We don´t have to continue right now." Ryder said and ripped both of the girls out of their little bubble.

 

"No. Please let us proceed. I just want it to be over." Clarke spoke, still a little weak but much stronger than just moments ago.

 

"Okay. We will tell you now, what we already found out and what will happen in the near future." Clarke nodded and Lexa squeezed her hand.

 

_This asshole will pay for his mistake._

 

"Mr. Collins has no criminal history, what would have been a great benefit, but your story and the ones from your friends will equalize this. Mr. Murphy is well known at the police-stations in D.C. Several break-ins, even violence and vandalism has been recorded. It will be easy to sue him and Mr. Collins, too. We already spoke to Indra, who is willing to testify in court. She will explain everything that she witnessed on that Monday. The court will believe an experienced teacher from high-school more than two teenage boys. We also have a couple of other witnesses. Raven Reyes and Octavia Blake already gave us the permission to name them as such. Lexa spoke to Anya, you know Anya Woods, right?"

 

Clarke stiffened at this name. Lexa knew why. Anya had bullied her, too.

 

"I spoke to Anya...she will explain the situation at your school and the reasons seemingly everybody wants to hurt you." After their fight, Anya came to her and said she wanted to make things right. She wanted to make up for the shit she had been doing to Clarke and Lexa and told her that this would be the only way.

 

Now Clarke let out a shaky breath. And nodded.

 

"Okay, I spare you the details because this is boring law-stuff, is that okay for you?" Again Clarke simply nodded and said nothing. "The court-date is on the ninth of September in D.C."

 

"This...is in three weeks. How...?" Clarke looked positively mortified.

 

"My parents are the Woods, Clarke. They get what they want." Lexa whispered to her. Her parents hadn´t understood a word, but they knew that Lexa had answered the question.

 

* * *

 

 

They had finished their dinner and everything that needed to be said had been said.

 

Lexa guided Clarke back to her car, but hesitated to get in. "Clarke?" She said, causing the blonde to stop her way towards the passengers door.

 

Clarke said nothing as Lexa approached her slowly.

 

"I am so proud of you." Lexa murmured and did what she wanted to do all night. She closed the gap and engulfed Clarke into a deep, meaningful hug. And it didn´t take long until she felt Clarke trembling in her embrace. She was crying.

 

"I want it to be over." She mumbled in between her sobs.

 

Lexa loosened her tight grip only enough to look into blue eyes, that were shining with tears. "It will be over soon." She cooed and brushed away a tear from the younger girls cheek.

 

"Will this be over then, too?" Clarke asked, her voice still trembling.

 

The simple thought of letting Clarke slip away from her. To loose her and live her life without her made Lexa cringe. Now tears were making their way not only down the blonde´s cheek, but also Lexa´s. She never wanted to let go of Clarke again and she´ll never leaver her alone.

 

"No. I´ll be there for you and I´ll never leave your side." She mumbled and brought her left hand down to Clarke´s chin, while her right was finding it´s way around the blonde´s waist. "I´ll always be with you." She said and then closed the gap between them.

 

The kiss was soft and tender. It was supposed to give them both strength, they needed so desperately. Everything around Lexa was vanishing and she never noticed her parents standing at the porch of the restaurant. She never heard her mother swooning about their strong bond and beautiful relationship. She only felt Clarke´s soft lips on her own. It was the only thing that mattered to her.

 

Being with Clarke was everything to her.

 

They parted and were both panting. Neither was it their first kiss, nor had it been that long, but it had still knocked the air out of their lungs. The feelings overwhelmed them and both were smiling like absolute fools.

 

This was what Clarke Griffin made out of her. A foolish, love-struck idiot.

 

But, this is what she wanted to be.

 

They rested their foreheads against each other and had their eyes closed, sucking the moment in.

 

The dinner and Clarke´s story where now far away, but also they weren´t. Lexa still felt the anger inside herself and she still felt so incredibly sorry for Clarke. All these things that had happened to the blonde were things nobody, and especially not Clarke, deserved. It was unfair.

 

"Lex?" Clarke the mumbled.

 

"Yes, Clarke?" She answered, her eyes still closed.

 

"Please, don´t let me go. I...I don´t want to loose you." She sounded so insecure, Lexa couldn´t help but tighten her grip around her.

  
"You will never loose me." Then she let go of Clarke and reached around her own neck. She unclasped the necklace that she had carried close to her heart since she was twelve. "Here. I want you to have this." She lifted Clarkes hand, opened it, placed the necklace in her palm and then closed it into a tight fist.

 

"What is this?" Clarke asked shyly.

 

"This is the last thing I have from my grandfather. He gave it to me the day he died." Lexa had to swallow. The memories of the loving old man that she spend almost every day with until he died when she was twelve. He had been there for her, played with her. He also was the one who taught her how to ride a bike and most importantly, how to be who she truly was. He was the person she first told that she was gay. "He was the most important person in my life. He shaped me and was there for me when my parents weren´t. I'd never give this to just anybody." A tear was escaping her eye.

 

"Lexa..." Clarke's voice was trembling and she held the fist with the necklace in it close to her heart.

 

"This is one of the only things that have true value to me...I want you to keep it close to you. This will always keep me close to you."

 

They met in a heated kiss that expressed all the emotions that were roaring deep inside them and left them both panting.

 

 

 


	16. A cold day in hell

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke woke up to her alarm clock and her found her left hand clutching to the necklace Lexa had given to her the evening before. She had never since she got it released her iron grip around it. But, now she had to. She couldn't walk around with a tight fist all day and therefore put it around her neck.

 

_This will always keep me close to you._

 

Clarke still heard Lexa's voice ringing in her ears. She couldn't think of her at school. She didn't want to. She didn't want to ruin her perfect mood.

 

But, the world was unfair. She got up with a groan and started her day with brushing her teeth and dressing. On her way into the kitchen she was surprised twofold.

 

Her mother sat there with a bunch of warm pancakes in front of her and her phone started beeping.

 

"Mom? I thought you're working today?" She asked disbelievingly. Her mother barely was at home in the morning and if she was, she was tired and was sleeping either on the couch or in her room. It was ages ago they had eaten breakfast together. Either there was something terribly wrong or her mother was really trying to be better. To be a better mother.

 

"I do. But, only this evening. I thought I´d make you breakfast and we could eat together." Abby smiled somewhat shyly, probably pretty aware of the strangeness of this situation.

 

Clarke beamed. She shouldn´t forgive that easily, but, she knew her mother was really trying. The older woman had worked all night, but stayed awake for Clarke and made her breakfast. She couldn´t help but smile at Abby and sit down on the opposite side of the table.

 

"Don´t you want to check that message you got?" Her mother then asked and eyed her curiously.

 

Clarke snatched her phone out of her pocket and unlocked it. If her smile wasn´t already impossibly wide, it certainly was now.

 

_Hey,_

_training is called off for today. Are you free this afternoon?_

_We could hang out._

_-Lexa_

 

"Are you going to tell me who makes you smile like this?" Her mother then ripped her back out of her haze. Abby looked at her with an arched eyebrow, but the glint in her eyes told Clarke that she was happy, that Clarke may have found someone who was able to make her smile again.

 

Okay, how is she supposed to explain this now? _Hey mum, I may or may not have fallen in love with Lexa, but I´m not sure yet._ Nope, definitely not. _Oh nobody. Raven just made a bad joke._ Again, no. Clarke´s mother knew Raven wasn't awake yet.

 

"I-um, well, it's Le..Lexa." Clarke mumbled and suddenly her pancake was incredibly interesting. She never talked with her mother about something like that.

 

"Indra Woods' niece? The one we met back then?" Abby then asked, a happy smile in place.

 

"Yeah. That is the one I was talking about. She accompanied me yesterday evening at the dinner with her parents...which by the way went well." Clarke mumbled. Suddenly feeling sad again, that her mother didn´t have time for her. But, she shouldn´t be. Lexa was the better choice anyway. Her mother probably wouldn´t be able to handle one of her panic-attacks and she´d never be able to make her feel that warm and protected.

 

A look of pain crossed the older woman´s features. "I´m so sorry, I couldn´t be there with you...How can I make up for it?"

 

Clarke saw honest expression in her mother's eyes. It wasn't some kind of empty promise like the ones she had heard already so often that she could repeat them in her sleep. No. Her mother was being sincere and nothing less.

 

"It´s fine." She meant it.

 

"It´s not. Listen, Clarke." Her mother took a deep breath and continued. "I have been a terrible mother and there is no excuse for my behavior. I left you alone when you needed me the most and when Jake left. I want to change...I want to be there for you and most importantly I want to be your mother. You mean the world to me and only deserve being cared for." Abby had tears in her eyes and Clarke couldn´t help standing up and wrapping her arms around the crying and defeated woman.

 

"You´re right...you have been a terrible mother, but...I love you nonetheless. I admire you for what you´re doing at work...but next to caring about your patients-I felt like you forgot me." Clarke mumbled. Yes. She was being harsh, but, her mother needed to hear this. She needed to hear the truth and what Clarke had felt for all these years.

 

"I found a new job at the college...I´m going to be the athletes doctor and fitness-coach. I have to work less hours and regularly, not in shifts. It isn´t as well paid as my job now, but, spending more time with you and making things right I should´ve made right a lot earlier is worth it." Abby was rambling and left Clarke gaping. Her mother will quit the best job position possible, just to spend more time with her?

 

_I shouldn´t allow this. She shouldn´t be the reason for her mother to quit her dream._

 

But, it felt nice to be one time in the center of attention...

 

"Mom..." She started, but couldn´t proceed. Her voice broke and made it impossible for her to argue.

 

"It´s all settled. I´ll start next month and then I´ll finally be with you more often. Then we could eat breakfast every day together and I´ll be able to make you dinner. I´ll have time to listen to you and I´ll help you getting past everything. I´ll finally be there for you."

 

This was all she ever wanted and she wasn´t sure she wasn´t dreaming this. Could this be true? Was this her mother speaking of changing everything, just to be close to her again? Yes. It was.

 

This was probably the best morning in her entire life.

 

But, everything, no matter how perfect it was, had to end eventually. Clarke took a glance at the clock hanging above the door and found her eyes widening in shock. She was going to be late, if she´d take her bike.

 

"Here." Abby handed her a set of keys and Clarke stared at them. They weren´t the keys to her mother´s car, no. They were the keys to his fathers motorcycle.

 

"But take care of it. Jake would kill me if he finds it with a little scratch." Abby laughed a sad laugh at the thought of her husband, who she must be missing as much as Clarke missed him.

 

"But...I haven´t driven a bike for two years...since I got my license." Clarke stammered. That Bike was holy to her father and when she was smaller she wasn´t even allowed to touch it. But when she got older, her father gifted her the lessons to get the license.

 

"You can do it. Now go or you´ll be late." Her mother donned a sympathetic smile.

 

Clarke took of and hurried to the garage that contained the bike.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as she swung her leg over the bike, she knew why her father loved this thing. It felt incredibly good and she felt free.

 

She took of at first with low pace, but as soon as she felt more confident with it again, she was speeding her way to school.

 

"Whoa, Griffin! Your father will kill you." Raven stood at their meeting spot on the parking lot and grinned at her. She knew the story about Jake Griffin and his beloved bike almost as good as Clarke herself, since he once found her tuning its engine.

 

"My mother gave me the keys." She smiled proudly and shut down the engine. "I have to tell you something, so see you at lunch?" She asked while starting to walk alongside Raven into the building.

 

The other girl nodded and went to her first class, while Clarke was now heading towards her English-literature class with Mrs. Woods.

 

Her day went almost smoothly. Some dumb comments about her being a coward for putting Finn and Murphy behind bars alongside with the normal amount of comments about her being an freak. But all this didn´t stop her from having the day of the year. Nothing could stop her right now.

 

"So, Griffin. What did you want to tell me?" Raven was leaning over the table as if Clarke was about to tell her a big secret.

 

"My mother will work at Polis-U next month. She´ll finally have time for me, Ray!" She nearly shrieked from happiness but knew better and just allowed her vice to sound exited. It had been hours since her mother told her she will quit Mount-Weather, but she still couldn´t believe this was real.

 

"Wow! I´m so happy for you! Everything will be better from now on!" Raven sounded almost as excited as Clarke herself, knowing exactly what this must mean to the blonde. "And then she gave you your father's bike...she's bein sincere Clarke". The Latina then added with a smug half-smirk in place.

 

They both then also talked about Clarke´s meeting with the Woods. While talking about it, Clarke found herself fiddling with the necklace that Lexa gave to her.

 

"Is this new? Where did you got it from?" Octavia was finally settling down at their table, too after presumably talking to Bellamy over the phone. She hadn´t heard what the girls were talking about.

 

Clarke felt the heat creeping up her neck into her cheeks. Was she going to be honest? Technically they were her best friends and she knew she could tell them everything, but there was something inside her that was stopping her to do so. It was the same feeling that told her at first to not get too attached to Lexa...it was no feeling. This were her trust-issues. And she had to fight them.

 

"I-um," She stopped. How was she going to explain this? She bit her lip and Octavia was squealing. "You are seeing someone! I knew it!" Now Clarke turned beet red. They weren´t dating...no. She wasn´t even sure what she was feeling,-well, this was bullshit, she knew what she was feeling. But she didn´t know what Lexa was thinking about her. "Who is it? I want all the details! Boy or girl?!"

 

Clarke's eyes widen and she was at a loss of words.

 

To her luck. The bell rang and she sighed in relief. Octavia was pouting and donned a deep frown, obviously disappointed.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as the bell rang for the last time today, Clarke gathered her things and hurried out of the classroom, because she wanted to avoid Octavias Gattling-gun-like questioning about her love-life.

 

After stopping by her locker, she hurried out of the building. What she saw knocked the breath out of her lungs.

 

Lexa was casually leaning against the pillar that supported the small roof that was covering the entrance. She wore black jeans, combat-boots and a loose fitting dark red t-shirt with the _Polis_ written on it in black letters.

 

Clarke couldn´t move, too surprised to find the other girl standing there and waiting for her.

 

"Oh look! Little Griffin is again pining for somebody off limits!" She vaguely heard the voice of Atom behind her. "Ey, Griffin! You could always do my..." Another boy whose name Clarke didn´t know spoke up, but never finished what he wanted to say.

 

"Shut it!" Lexa growled from her pillar and made her way towards the group of teenage-boys. "Don't even think of finishing that sentence!" Her voice was so incredibly threatening the boys backed down a few inches.

 

Clarke couldn´t think. From a few corners she heard mumbling about why Lexa Woods, _the incredibly famous football-star_ , was doing here, but she didn´t really pay any mind to these voices. All she could see was that Lexa was defending her in front of the whole school from a bunch of idiots.

 

"Back off and leave her alone! She once again growled, this time with even more force, which made the boys run for their dear lives.

 

Clarke stood there, mouth wide open, unable to understand what was happening until she found two strong arms engulfing her in an intimate hug. "Lexa." She whispered. "What are you doing here?"

 

Lexa loosened her firm grip on Clarke's waist, so that she could look into blue eyes. "I told you I was free this afternoon and you didn´t answer me...so I stopped by." She smiled and pushed a loose strand of hair behind Clarke´s ear.

 

Clarke just had to lean in and capture these beautiful lips with her own. She was  so full of emotions right now and somehow needed to tell Lexa all this. Kissing her seemed the best way to her.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I just wanted to say some things. Firstly, I wanted to thank you all for the feedback and support you´re giving the story. Something like that really encourages me to proceed writing and add depth to this story.
> 
> Furthermore I wanted to explain the chapter's title. A could day in hell means as much as "Oh hey look! It isn´t always that torturous hot in this hell!" which means as much as this was a pretty good day for Clarke at school. Some comments were still there but since she was absolutely happy...they didn´t bother her.
> 
> Last but not least I want to say that I may not be able to upload a new chapter on Friday, since I´ll be home on that day at an ungodly hour, but I´ll try my best.  
> Also the next chapter will deal with the fallout of Clexa´s PDA and it´ll be about their afternoon plus it will maybe contain a part written out of Raven´s point of view. I love her character in the show so much and she hasn´t gotten any real attention in this story until now...so yeah.
> 
> Until then, have a good time
> 
> Nickelback21


	17. Is this possible?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write about their afternoon...I know, but then I had a little idea that wouldn't get out of my mind, so...the afternoon is in the next chapter, I hope you still like it.
> 
> In this chapter is a little part which contains some deeper stuff...I personally don't believe in them, but it fits into Lexa's background-story.
> 
> Tomorrow I´ll post the next chapter :)

 

* * *

 

 

_Lexa smiled as soon as she saw Clarke exiting the building, alongside with some other students. And the blonde was even smiling, but looked quite a bit taken off guard._

_"Oh look! Little Griffin is again pining for somebody off limits." She heard a dark haired boy say to his friend who smirked in response._

_Lexa was already fuming. What made them think hat she was off limits?  If somebody was here off limits it was definitely Clarke._

_But it was the next comment that really made her angry._

 

_"Ey, Griffin! You could always do my..." Lexa knew what he wanted to say and was nearly about to make him regret it. Make him regret that he even thought about saying something like that to Clarke. But, she knew that Clarke would never look at her again if she would beat the hell out of him for something like that, so she instead just growled._

 

_"Shut it! Don´t even think about finishing that sentence!" She knew exactly what her voice was capable of. She knew it would affect these immature idiots. "Back off and leave her alone!" Now she put even more force into her voice._

 

_She couldn´t hide her smirk when she saw the boys run for their dear lives._

 

_Cowards. All it took was growling at them?_

 

_Then she found blue eyes staring at her. Clarke was in shock that much was clear and Lexa couldn´t help but hurrying towards her and engulf her in a bone-crushing hug. If every day was like that for Clarke, Lexa couldn´t imagine how this girl hadn´t fallen apart yet. At least not completely._

 

_It made her admire her even more. Clarke really was somebody else. Somebody who was worth it._

 

_"Lexa. What are you doing here?" Lexa heard Clarke mumble into the crook of her neck and couldn´t help the little smile that made it´s way onto her features. She loosened her grip around the younger girls waist to put some distance between them, just to look into blue eyes. She brushed blonde hair behind Clarke´s ear and smiled at her. "I told you I was free this afternoon and you didn´t answer me...so I stopped by."_

 

_The next moment she felt warm and soft lips on hers. At first she was taken off guard by Clarke´s action, but, she quickly got into it and kissed her back. Both hands on the younger girl´s hips to pull her close._

 

She never heard the other students gasping in shock or Octavia's shrieking. Everything but Clarke was a blur and wasn´t important to her right now.

 

When the had to stop because they needed to breathe everything stayed blurry, but it didn´t matter.

 

"Thank you." Clarke mumbled incoherently, but Lexa knew exactly what she was saying. Somehow she just knew what was going on in Clarke´s head right now. There was no explanation for the connection she felt to the younger girl.

 

It feels like she is pulled towards Clarke by an invisible force. It feels like she understands what is going on in the other girl's head and what was bothering her.

 

And all this made her think of something her grandfather had told her once. There are people who can trust each other blindly. They understand each other without words being spoken. They just know what the other one is thinking and what he or she wants to say. Her grandfather told her that this was what made some people soulmates. Their souls are connected and always find their way back together. Without one soul, the other wouldn´t be able to exist.

 

Was this what she was feeling? The explanation her grandfather had given her years ago, sounded surreal and impossible back then, but now? Now it made somehow perfect sense. Everything clicked inside her head. That was why she was able to build a strong relationship with the blonde that fast...probably.

 

Lexa never had been someone who believed in the old beliefs of her ancestors, but now she had to rethink.

 

"Is every day like this?" Lexa found herself asking. If yes...she wasn´t sure she would be able to stand all this bullshit if she were in Clarke´s place.

 

"Today is...literally the best day of the whole school-year." Clarke said with a wide smile on her face.

 

Lexa couldn´t help furrowing her eyebrows. _How could this be the best day of the year?_ Clarke had been bullied literally five minutes ago and now she stands there and says that this is the best day of the year?

 

Lexa knew that there had to be something that made the blonde that happy and that overshadowed everything that just happened. She just didn´t know what.

 

"How about I give you a ride and we´ll talk about it at the lake?" Clarke then asked.

 

"Okay, but, maybe I should give you a lift, since my car is a little bit more comfortably than your bicycle, am I right?" Lexa asked with a bit humor in her voice. It was cute that Clarke wanted to give her a ride.

 

"More comfortable than my bicycle, yes, but as thrilling as a ride with a motorcycle? I don´t think so." Clarke was smiling and pointed at a black motorcycle that stood in the parking-lot.

 

Lexa's brow furrowed in confusion. "This is yours? Since when do you drive a motorbike?"

 

"It's my father's, but Mom gave me the keys this morning. I got the license two years ago, actually." Now Clarke chuckled and Lexa couldn't help, but stare a the girl in absolute admiration. This was something that fitted to Clarke. Driving a motorcycle means being independent and free...Clarke had to be independent all her life and free was something she probably needed to feel sometimes, when everything around her seems to crash down on her again.

 

"I´m up to it." Lexa said with a smirk. They both started their way towards the bike, when Clarke suddenly turned around.

 

Raven had grabbed her arm and smirked devilishly at her. "Good thing, your father always had a second helmet with him, right?" Lexa heard Raven say, but she politely zoned out of the conversation. It was Raven talking to Clarke and not to Lexa, so she just stood there and waited for their talk to end.

 

"Are you...are you Alexandria Woods?" She suddenly heard a small voice behind her ask. She turned around and found two young girls standing in front of her, not older than probably fifteen. Freshmen, she assumed.

 

"Yes? What can I do for you?" She asked politely, already used to something like this. A small half-smile spread over her features and she looked at the girls, who were fidgeting with the hems of their shirts.

  
"We, um...saw all of you games last year... and um are your biggest fans!" The one who hadn't spoken yet told her with a somehow unsteady voice. Lexa was used to this, but, that didn't stop her from feeling honored. "You are a fantastic player and, um, you are our role-model." The other one, a blonde girl said.

 

"Thank you. You are, too, playing football?" She asked, just to be polite.

  
"Yes! Alex over here is our quarterback at the junior-team and I'm a wide-reciever ! But..." It seemed as if her good mood was suddenly exchanged. Now she looked somehow sad.

 

"But what? That sounds great. Both positions are really important:" Lexa tried to brighten the mood again, but the girl just shook her head.

 

"We won't be able to participate in the juniors-championship this year. Our coach, she became pregnant and takes a break for this year to care of her kid. And no coach, no competition."

 

Lexa's eyes widened. These girls really loved to play, that much she could tell from the glint in their eyes, while talking about the sport. But that they won't be able to play, really hurt Lexa. Nobody should be stripped off the privilege of executing their hobby.

 

She stood there for a short moment, thinking about what she could do to give these girls an opportunity. There was something she could do...but she wasn't sure if she would be able to fit it in her schedule.

 

It had to fit, there was no way she would do otherwise. "Is Jaha still your principal?" She found herself asking. Jaha had been the principal at this school since forever and her really adored her back in the time she visited this school. If he still was in charge, she could get her plan through.

 

"Yes?" The girl that was called Alex by the other one asked confused.

 

"Well, I'll see what I can do, okay? Maybe we'll see us tomorrow, if I can stop by to have a good talk with him about your team." She said with a smile.

 

"Really? You'll try to get us back on the turf?" The other girl asked disbelievingly and Lexa simply nodded, while she saw Clarke in her peripheral vision, obviously waiting for her now. Raven long gone.

 

"Okay, my ride is waiting, see you." She said her goodbye and made her way over to the blonde who donned a wide smile.

 

"Tell me it's true what I'm thinking you are planning?" Clarke said when Lexa stopped by her side. She handed Lexa a helmet which the brunette happily accepted.

 

"Well, I can imagine what you're thinking and if I'm right, then...yes it's true." Lexa said with a smirk. She was sure that Clarke was thinking of the same thing as her, simply, because that's what they always do.

 

"You are amazing." The blonde blurted out, her cheeks turning instantly red and Lexa knew she didn't plan on saying that out loud.

 

"Oh please...now it's probably my turn to brag about how amazing you are, but," She closed the gap between them and placed her free hand around Clarke's waist, to pull her closer. "That's not even a word for it." She simply said and placed a gentle kiss on soft lips.

 

Amazing was already a strong word, but it wasn't enough to describe the blonde or the way she made Lexa feel. She made her feel warm and happy and all of the other emotions she could think of. Her heart wanted to explode in joy every time she saw the girl.

 

Lexa knew what this feeling was. She knew it, but was she ready to put the right name to it? She didn't want to scare Clarke away, because she already developed so strong feelings in this short amount of time.

 

"Ready for a thrill?" She heard Clarke ask. The younger girl had effectively drawn her out of her daze.

 

"Of course." She said with a smirk while she watched Clarke get onto the bicycle. Lexa followed shortly after and before she could really process it, the engine was roaring and they took of onto the street towards the lake.

 

 


	18. The blue skyes we wait on are gonna come after the rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is mostly about some of the backstory of Lexa, but, let me warn you. The story she will tell in this chapter really hurt to write, so it is an emotional rollercoaster.  
> Also mentions of depression.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke felt so incredibly happy while she was speeding through the afternoon-traffic. Lexa had her arms around her waist and she practically could feel the older girl smirk behind her. She was enjoying this as much as Clarke was herself.

 

The ride wasn't a long one, but it certainly was one of the best she ever had. Not that she had been driving a lot lately. But she certainly would from now on.

 

She parked the bike in a nearby lot and they walked the last couple of meters side by side towards the small lake. Clarke knew a little secret space, where nobody would disturb them. She guided Lexa through the small woods that surrounded the lake to the small clearing and they sat down on a trunk that was left behind by one of last year's storms.

 

Clarke found herself smiling like a fool. She had never shared this space with anybody. It had all the time been just hers and nobody else's. This was the place she went to escape from everything or from herself. It was her save haven, until somebody else became just that. And this somebody was sitting right now beside her.

 

"My mom quitted her job at Mount Weather...she says she wants to spend more time with me, to finally become a family again." Clarke found herself saying with a wide smile on her face, but it wasn't as wide as the one she saw forming on Lexa's lips. It nearly looked as if it would turn out wider as her face was. White, perfectly straight teeth were exposed and Clarke found herself staring at this beauty for a moment too long.

 

"Now I get what makes you so happy. That are great news, Clarke!" The brunette said with a matching excitement to her smile.

 

That was what ist must feel like to be truly cared for. That somebody really cared for her life and well-being.

 

That was what being home must feel like.

 

Clarke felt two strong arms finding their way around her waist and pull her closer to Lexa. The older girl wanted to coax her into sitting on her lap, what she did as soon as she understood the movements.

 

"I am so happy for you." She heard Lexa whisper into her ear.

 

She turned and looked into bright, green eyes that looked at her in pure amazement. But, she saw something different in them.

 

Lexa was deeply in thoughts about something.

 

"Lexa, what are you thinking?" She then asked and leaned forward to connect their foreheads. Clarke saw the brunette close her eyes and biting her lower lip. "You can tell me." She murmured again and let her left hand find Lexa's. The contact seemed to extract Lexa out of her thoughts, at least enough to let her watch into Clarke's eyes again.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa was truly happy for the blonde girl...hell she just wanted to keep her close and never let her go because she was so happy, but there was something lingering on her mind.

 

Clarke had been open about everything in her life to Lexa. She had told her that she was bullied, that she even was physically hurt and that she really had trust-issues. She had told her everything.

 

And Lexa?

 

Lexa had one story that had changed her life and that she never told anybody. This story was the reason she wasn't able to name her feelings towards Clarke yet. Only if Clarke knew this part of her...they might go forward and then Lexa might finally be able to say it. If Clarke understands, of course.

 

It was the story that shaped her and made her, who she was today.

 

Clarke's words were echoing through her brain. She really could tell her. They trusted each other.

 

"Clarke...I...there is something I haven't told you yet." She mumbled. Lexa really felt bad for destroying Clarke's perfect mood, but she had to tell this story right now. Clarke deserved to know everything about Lexa.

 

"Tell me." Clarke replied quietly. A serious expression on her face.

 

Lexa took a deep breath and swallowed hard, while the memories came crashing back to her. "Her name was Costia ...she, um, was my girlfriend for five years." This sentence took so much energy from her, that she instantly felt drained. The only thing giving her the strength to continue was the girl sitting in her lap and holding her hand. "She...I met her when I was twelve, she was in the grade above me. Back then...I wasn't really sure about myself. I had always felt different, but couldn't say why and when I met her...I could." She had to close her eyes to prevent tears from falling down her cheek. Clarke just sat there and watched her patiently. At the next memory she had to smile a sad, nearly invisible smile. "From the first moment I saw her...I was head over heels for her. After a while I finally was brave enough to ask her for her number. We started spending a lot of time together...almost every day one of us visited the other. There was no day, where we wouldn't have seen each other." These were the happy memories, that would probably make her smile, if she didn't know the ending of the story. "One evening...the day before her fourteenth birthday, she had invited me for a sleepover to celebrate with her, we laid down on the trampoline in her garden. We were talking about all this stupid children's bullshit and suddenly...she kissed me. It had been a small, short peck on the lips, but back then it turned my world upside down. A few weeks later...after she had asked me to be her girlfriend, I wanted to come out to my parents. She was there and held my hand during it...she had always been there for me."

 

Her come-out had been, thanks to Costia, not as bad as she thought it would be. Her parents at first had a hard time realizing it, but, they did their best to make it as easy as it could be for her. Her father kept making jokes about him and Lexa going out one day and finding her a decent woman. She had been thankful for that, since she never expected her parents to be so open about it. Her mother even claimed that she knew this way before Lexa was brave enough to tell them.

 

"Costia was my first for everything. First kiss, first girlfriend, first love, I guess and when I was turning seventeen and she was eighteen...the first time. Well, we were together for five years and I really thought that if we managed to stay together through the whole growing-up thing, then it would never end, but I was a fool." Now came the part of the memories she always wanted to push away as far as she could. The partvthat ripped her heart into small pieces, which may never be put back in place.

 

"One night...Costia and I went for a walk through the small park. It was a chilly night and I had given her my jacket after I saw that she was shivering," Every goddamn detail about that night was burned into her memory. "We walked, watched the stars and then on our way back..." She had to swallow and take a deep breath. "Everything went too fast. I felt a struck on the back of my head by something heavy and everything went black before I could proceed what was happening. The next thing I know is waking up in a hospital-bed with two police officers waiting for me to wake up. They told me that I had been attacked by someone and that a pedestrian had found me lying unconscious in the park with a bleeding gash on the back of my head and obviously undercooled. The only thing in my mind was where Costia was. I started hyperventilating and asked them where she was. They just looked at me and told me straight in the face, that she is missing. My world crashed together and I felt responsible for her disappearance...I let myself drift into depressions and the only thing that kept me halfway sane was that I threw myself into playing football. The police searched the whole town and the first couple of weeks I still had hope that maybe, she got away and would return home. That she would return to me."

 

Lexa found herself trembling and biting her lower lip almost with enough force to draw blood. Clarke just listened.

 

"The weeks turned into months and the months turned into a year...then, all my hopes were ripped apart from a newspaper report with the headline 'Missing girl's body found!' Exactly one year and seven days after her disappearance, they found body-parts that could be identified as hers. The head had been removed and was buried a couple of yards away from her body. This was the day I realised that I was the reason her parents would never see their daughter again. I wanted to go for a walk. I could have protected her, if I would have paid more attention to the surroundings, but I let it happen...She is dead because of me." Now Lexa cried. Sobs were shaking her entire body and she clung to Clarke as if it was her only lifeline.

 

Clarke let her cry. She let her do exactly, what she needed right now. She let her fall apart. Only telling her that she still there by drawing soothing patterns onto Lexa's back.

 

A couple of minutes, it may have been a hour, Lexa's sobs became less and Clarke found the courage to speak up.

 

"Lex..." Lexa felt the blonde's index finger tilting her chin back up and coaxing her into looking into blue, glassy and wet eyes. "Thank you." The blonde just said while looking directly into her eyes.

 

Why was she thanking her?

 

Clarke seemed to notice the question that Lexa had yet to ask and answered it before she did ask it at all. "For being honest. For sharing this part of you with me." Lexa could see in her eyes that Clarke hadn't finished what she wanted to say and waited.

 

Secretly she waited for Clarke to blame her like she did herself, but it never came. Clarke just looked at her with an emotion in her eyes...was it love? Could it be?

 

"Please Lex...stop thinking that way. You are not the reason that this happened and there is no way you could have prevented it. Lexa, you don't have eyes in the backside of your head nor can you smell that you were about to being attacked. Please." Clarke looked at her pleadingly now.

 

"But, I can't. I can't stop blaming myself for..." Then she felt a finger on her lips and instantly stopped talking.

 

"Listen. I always blamed myself for all that what happened to me. I always thought I am the single reason." Clarke said. Her voice steady and confident.

 

This was bullshit. If somebody was to blame for all that, it was most certainly Finn and nobody else. He was the reason the whole bullying thing started and he was the reason Clarke now had a small scar crossing her right eyebrow. Clarke had never been the reason for any of this. Never and she never will.

 

Just in the moment Lexa wanted to speak up, Clarke continued. "But you know what changed that?" The blonde looked at her now with the warmest of all expressions written on her face.

 

Lexa didn't know the answer, so she shook her head. "Tell me." She mumbled. Whatever helped Clarke might help her, too. At least she could hope, right?

 

"You. You came into my life and tore me out of this self-destructive circle I got myself into. Before you were there I let all that what happened just happen and did nothing against it. I felt like a nobody who had no right to stick up for being treated respectfully, but then, I met you and you...you made me feel again that I am somebody...somebody who someone cared for. You made me see the value of living again, because every time I am with you...I feel like I can finally be who I am again. I don't have to be somebody else or I am not pushed into some drawer with people that are somehow like me, no, I am myself." Now it was Clarke's turn having tears streaming down her cheeks and Lexa just had to lean forward and plant a kiss onto her trembling lips. This was definitely the greatest gift she ever achieved.

 

"Clarke?" She found herself asking. The blonde looked up and met her eyes.

 

Now was the time to say it. They hadn't been on a date, at least not really, and they were not officially together, but it somehow felt as if they skipped that stage. Like they didn't need it.

 

"I love you." The words left her mouth now easily. What Clarke had said just seconds ago had only given her more strength. And now she felt like she could carry the whole world on her shoulders, just with Clarke by her side.

 

The blonde was grinning as much as Lexa did and let out a sigh. "I love you." She breathed and the next moment their lips were meeting in a kiss that basically screamed their love out into the world.

 

After a while of kissing, they both needed air. Lexa used the chance to cup Clarke's cheeks with her hands and get lost in their blue depth. "Will you be my girlfriend?" She asked. It was kind of formal, since she already knew what Clarke was feeling, but she wanted to do it right.

 

"Yes!" Clarke answered overdramatically which caused Lexa to roll her eyes.

 

Their kissing continued and became more heated with every second of it. They got lost in the others presence and the pure feeling of their love.

 

_This is what being home feels like._

 

 


	19. One heart

 

After a short while, at least it felt short, they separated from each other, both heavily panting and smiling like fools.

 

When Clarke opened her eyes, she found Lexa chuckling silently, a somehow strange expression on her face. "What's so funny?" Was Lexa making fun of her? No. That was something the brunette wouldn't do, right?

 

"This," The older girl pointed between them, as if there was an invisible connection between them both. "This reminded me of a story my grandfather used to tell me all the time. I never believed any of it, but now? It starts to make sense." Lexa had a glint of amusement in her eyes.

 

That was an explanation, that was really not helping. A story her grandfather had told her? Perfect. "What was the story about?" Clarke asked. She really wanted to know. Lexa had told her some things about her grandfather, but nothing really specific.

 

For a short moment, it looked like Lexa was trying to put what she wanted to say in the right order. "Well, before you understand this, you have to understand what a person he was," Lexa had a expression on her face, that told Clarke that she was far away with her thoughts. Probably reliving some memories. "He truly believed in the stories that my ancestors were telling from generation to generation. Most of these stories are weird fairy-tales they told to make their people believe in the three powers wor, jus and hodness."

 

So Lexa descended from some sort of tribe of natives? That would make sense, Clarke thought. It also fitted somehow with her looks.

 

"This might all sound strange, I know...but, I will tell you more about our tribes at another point of time. Okay?" Clarke could only nod, now completely intrigued by Lexa's history. "Right...the story I had to think of was won tombom. It means one heart. My grandfather always tried to explain it to me through the example of him and my grandmother. He said that they were able to trust each other blindly and without having to ask, what the other one needed in that moment. They trusted and understood each other more and better than any other person in the world."

 

All this sounded so familiar. Clarke knew these feelings not for a long time, but she learned them the last couple of weeks. She had learned to trust and she had learned to understand Lexa better than probably any other person. Lexa had crashed into her life and ripped her out of the endless circle, she let herself being sucked into. Somehow she instantly had felt a deep familiarity in the brunette. They understood each other better than after only two hours than her mother and she ever would.

 

Some may say it was strange, but to her it wasn't.

 

A gentle finger that tilted her head up to meet Lexa's green gaze ripped her out of her thoughts. "That reminded me of us. The story is a little longer than that and becomes more and more a weird little fairy-tale, just like the others, but this part of it. This part reminded me of us." Clarke felt two arms bringing her closer to Lexa's lips.

 

The kiss was gentle and sweet. It was more of telling the other one what words weren't able to express than pure sexual tension.

 

"Your grandfather sounds like he was a wise man." Clarke said with a small smile on her dace, while her eyes remained closed. She really meant it. Of course, if there was some mystical power behind it...that part she wouldn't believe. She already sometimes had a hard time believing in the existence of god and then starting to believe in some strange powers? No. Definitely not.

 

But she loved the part Lexa had told her. It was so on spot of what she was feeling.

 

"Don't say that too loud...I still can hear him chuckling when he was able to prove, that he was right." Lexa said with a small laugh.

 

She must have really loved that man.

 

"But yes, he was a wise man. For every situation, for every strange feeling that I wasn't able to place...he had the right words for it. He was always on spot with his words and he was the most understanding person in the whole world." Lexa seemed lost in thoughts. Her gaze was unfocused when she looked in no particular direction. "It was him who I first talked to, because of the strange feeling of being different from others. It was before I had met Costia...so I wasn't really able to name it, but he could. He didn't say it directly. More like 'some people are different from the others, Alexandria. They love in a different way, but not in a less beautiful way. You are most certainly one of these people, what makes you even more special.'" Lexa had mimicked an old mans voice in such a hilarious manner that Clarke couldn't contain her laugh.

 

Lexa laughed with her.

 

After their laughter died down, Clarke bit her bottom lip. "I never told my mom." She then admitted.

 

Everybody knew somehow, but she had never told her own mother that she was bisexual. She never felt the need to, because she knew that woman would simply yawn , because she was too tired to really proceed what her daughter had just told her.

 

"It's fine. She'll accept it the day you are ready to tell her." Lexa said now with a serious and thoughtful voice.

 

_Blind understanding. Blind trust._

 

Clarke felt her heart swell in her chest. Lexa didn't push her and somehow this made her love grow. If that's even possible.

 

"I think, I want to tell her soon...she really tries now to be better...she deserves to know." Clarke mumbled. Her mother really had done something almost incredible, just to be closer to her daughter again. She had quitted the job she fought for for such a long time.

 

It was Clarke's turn to try and rebuild some of the trust between them.

 

"Okay." Lexa simply replied and Clarke was so grateful for this simple understanding behind this word. It felt like Lexa knew the reason.

 

"Will you be there?" She asked the brunette. It was a lot to ask for, but she really could use the strength, Lexa was always able to give her. Clarke would need a hand that she could hold tightly while doing it.

 

Yes. She was aware of the fact that she was attracted to both women and men for quite a lot of time now, but somehow this still felt like she was bungee-jumping from the highest building she could think of. What if her mother wouldn't accept it and everything would go south again?

 

"If you want me there, I'll be by your side." The brunette replied with a honest expression on her face.

 

Clarke smiled and nodded. She inched closer Lexa and kissed her passionately. "Thank you."

 

They both knew, it wasn't just a thank you for going through this with her together. No. It was a thank you for the whole afternoon.

 

* * *

 

 

They were on their way back to Clarke's motorcycle when Lexa's phone started ringing. She fished out of her pocket without giving the caller's ID a glance.

 

"Hello, Lexa Woods speaking." She offered with her polite, business-like voice that she barely used anymore.

 

"Lexa, darling. How are you?" Lexa rolled her eyes and had to stifle a sigh. Her mother's fake-friendly voice was still ringing through her head.

 

"Great. You?" She asked, simply to be polite. Lexa already knew that this was a phone-call with some motive behind it. Her parents never called her without having a reason. They never called just to ask, if she was doing alright.

 

"Fine, I guess. Work has been busy lately. Lexa?" She heard her mother ask. This was the moment her mother will tell her the reason behind the call. "Yes?" She simply asked. "So, Lexa...we have this benefit-gala in three days. I know it is a little short dated, but we want you to come."

 

Fucking perfect. Her day had been really great, literally perfect. She told Clarke that she loved her and Clarke said it back...they were now together and had another chance to get to know each other more. And now her mother was calling and asking her to come to one of their darn galas?

 

These things were for the people that really felt like they belonged there. To the rich and famous people that always felt like they were the best on earth. These galas were just another excuse for them to tell people how great they are.

 

Lexa was rich. Yes. But she hated these events. She was always there as some kind of jewellery that her parents wanted to show off to everybody on their party. At least she felt that way.

 

She glanced over to Clarke, who was watching her curiously with some sort of worry written on her face. She simply nodded to ensure the younger girl that she was fine.

 

Her mothers question was no real question. Even if Lexa would say that she didn't want to come, her parents would end up dragging her there by her ears.

 

"Okay," She sighed defeated. There was no other way than that. "Three days from today?" She asked one last time.

 

"Yes. Okay, we send you your ticket with the mail. There is a second one for a plus-one if you want to bring somebody with you." Her mother's voice sounded as if she knew exactly that she was about to show up with somebody by her side.

 

"Okay. See you in three days." She sighed once again and ended the call. Lexa closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.

 

"What was that about?" The blonde that still held her other hand looked into her eyes.

 

"My mother. The great and rich Woods are hosting a benefit-gala once again. And they need their daughter to brag about her because of her god knows how perfect accomplishments and stunning looks." She said with as much sarcasm in her voice as possible. But it were the exact words that hit the mark. She simply was the armcandy for her rich parents that always need to prove themselves in their society.

 

"Sounds...great." Clarke said with the matching sarcasm in her voice. Lexa felt her heart swell in her chest.

 

This girl was perfect and she loved every new side of her that Lexa got to see.

 

"It's three days from now. I can't wait." Lexa then replied with an exaggerated eye-roll.

 

"And you're there all alone while your parents brag about themselves and you?" The blondes voice sounded incredulous.

 

"Well...technically I got a second ticket for a plus-one, but, I, um, don't want to drag you to this shit-show and Anya is probably hanging out with Raven, so...yep it's just me." Lexa really didn't want to make Clarke come to this gala. It was boring and incredibly superficial. Definitely nothing for the blonde, because she was neither of them.

 

"Well, what if I wanted to support my beautiful girlfriend during this gala?" The flirtatious voice Clarke spoke with was completely new to Lexa. It was kind of raspy and low.

 

She loved it.

 

She loved her.

 

"Um...you sure?" She didn't want that Clarke was just doing this, because she felt like she had to.

 

"Yes." Clarke shrugged and smiled.

 

Lexa couldn't help but pulling her in a warm embrace and kiss her. Maybe this even won't be that boring after all.

 

"But..." Clarke managed to get out between their kisses, which made Lexa instantly stop. "I need to buy a new dress...so. When is your practice called off tomorrow?"

 

Lexa gave her an incredulous smile. Why was this girl so freaking perfect? "I'm at practice from 1.30 pm to 4pm. But since I have to shower...I'll be ready around 4.15, probably." There was no way she would be at Clarke's doorstep before 5 pm and that might be too late.

 

"Perfect. I'll come to the stadium then and then you can give me a ride downtown and we'll go shopping, okay?" The blonde had a sincere expression on her face almost as if she was thinking about something.

 

Lexa hadn't thought about Clarke driving to the stadium. She had always been a gentlewoman and picked her dates up, but now she was sure she would never be able to convince Clarke to stay home and wait for her.

 

"I'd rather pick you up, but since I know that you won't let me...fine. You'll find me in the girl's locker room." She donned her most mischievous smirk when she saw Clarke blush furiously. She shook her head and let out a small laugh. "If you like this more, you could wait outside of the player-tunnel, too."

 

Clarke hit her playfully on her shoulder and Lexa shot her a feigned glare.

 

They both laughed and continued their walk towards Clarke's bike.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> I am not sure if I am able to upload during the next two weeks, since I'll be on vacation...so don't worry if this story will have a short break. I will continue it and I'll also finish at least a few chapters during the next few days and then I have to hope that they have a decent WIFI there so I'll be able to upload them...
> 
> so lets hope;)
> 
> Until then have a good time.
> 
> Nickelback21


	20. What did you turn me into?

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa showed up to practice with the dumbest grin on her face that her team had ever witnessed. It probably even scared them since she got some weird looks and caught some of her players raising their eyebrows at her.

 

"Good morning, Team!" She greeted them nonetheless, but her smile was replaced with her stoic expression she always wore while playing football or speaking to her team. She needed to to keep her commander's mask up, even if she felt like nothing could wipe that grin out of her face.

 

"Good morning, Commander!" Her team shouted back and as always she felt shivers run down her spine.

 

This title was what she had worked for so hard and hearing it being chanted by her team always made her incredibly proud.

 

"Warm up! Six laps! Then we meet here again and do some sprinting and aiming drills!" She shouted. As always she had the practice planned through and was prepared for it.

 

Her team took of and she found her place next to Miller once again. The always smiley boy always was able to lift her mood with his simple chatting. She really liked being around him.

 

"What got you all chirpy today, Commander?" He asked with a mischievous smirk in place. He had one eyebrow raised and scanned her face for any emotions, which she of course hid.

 

"Had a great day yesterday. At least until my mother called and 'invited' me to one of their stupid galas. But other than that my afternoon had been perfect." She said, her expression still blank, but it became harder and harder for her to hide that stupid grin the more she thought about her evening. The more she thought about Clarke.

 

Her girlfriend.

 

She still couldn't believe that this really happened. That Clarke really said yes. Lexa had to bite on the inside of her cheeks to prevent herself from becoming a puddle of emotions. Hell, she would probably even giggle. She. The Commander. Would giggle.

 

"That's great! So you really used your time, right?" She knew what he was doing. Miller wanted to lure her into telling him what got her all happy today, but she wouldn't tell him.

 

"Yeah, I did. What did you do in your new won freedom? Since didn't have me pushing you to your limits?" She asked, smoothly changing the topic. Now Miller had to talk and she wouldn't have to explain everything.

 

"Well, I studied. Had to catch up with some classes." He shrugged and donned a nonchalant expression. Miller had ditched classes? That was definitely something new. He was an absolute nerd and always got the best grades from the whole team, besides Lexa.

 

"You ditched class? Who are you and what have you done to my nerdy wide reciever?" She feigned to be shocked and glared at him.

 

"Um...I met somebody." He only said suddenly shy.

 

Lexa just raised her eyebrows at him and shook her head. She wasn't interested in who the person was Miller was now spending time with, but she was happy that he finally found someone. Miller had always had a hard time in finding Mr. Perfect for him, but now, that he obviously found someone he liked, she was just happy for her friend.

 

The rest they ran in content silence. Miller was obviously glad that Lexa didn't ask further questions and was now humming the melody of some old rock-song that Lexa did not know the name of.

 

After their small run, Lexa instructed them to split up and do the exercises, she had already explained to them, in teams. Her team was already used to this and split up fast into their already experienced teams.

 

She stood with her back to the bleachers and therefore didn't see Clarke arriving early.

 

"Dax! Concentrate! If you throw a pass like that in the next match I'll have you benched for at least two games! So shut up and stop bragging about your newest conquest and fucking start concentrating!" She shouted from her place a few yards away from him.

 

The boy shut up instantly and nodded. He knew exactly that he better shouldn't strain the nerves of their captain.

 

When Lexa was on the pitch, she was ruthless. She didn't allow any half-hearted passes or actions. Either you were with all of your body, including your brain, in the game or you will be replaced by the next best option. And these were not rare. Their team was big enough that she had at least three replacements for everyone of her players.

 

After another hour of her shouting and showing her teammates some skills, they took a well deserved break. They were finished with the drills and only would do a last little game.

 

That was when she saw her and she wasn't able to hide her smile anymore.

 

Clarke was sitting on the bleachers and staring down in her lap. It looked as if she was drawing something.

 

Lexa hurried the way up and knelt in front of the girl that held her heart in her hands. "I thought you were coming after my practice?" She said with a little half-smirk playing with her lips.

 

The blondes head shot up and she closed her sketchbook that was laying in her lap with a quick and smooth motion. "What. The. Fuck. You scared the hell out of me!" The blonde said overdramatically and placed her hand above her heart as if to show Lexa that it was racing.

 

"I love you, too." She just replied and leaned forward to kiss the blonde's perfect lips. It still felt surreal to say I love you to the blonde, but it was just the way she felt.

 

When they separated Clarke let out a small chuckle and Lexa swore that this was one of the most beautiful sounds she ever heard. "Are you going to show me what you drew?" Lexa asked and pointed at the sketchbook that was still resting in the blondes lap. She already knew that Clarke could draw really awsome things and she really wanted to know what the blonde had captured now on paper.

 

"When it's finished. Now its not more than a little sketch." Clarke let out a nervous little laugh.

 

"Well, this little sketch is probably better that any drawing I had to do during my obligatory art-classes in high-school." Lexa laughed when she thought back to these awful excuses of drawings. At least that was what they were supposed to be.

 

"Woods! Get your ass back down here!" Lexa rolled her eyes at the sound of their coach's voice. That guy did literally nothing and was paid for it, but shouting her name and telling her that she has to go back down there was something he seemingly was capable of.

 

"That's my cue to leave." She sighed and got up. "I see you in about thirty minutes?" She asked once again. It was a stupid question since they were going shopping today, but she still couldn't really believe that all this was real. That Clarke was real.

 

"Of course." The blonde answered and Lexa leaned down for one last small kiss on the lips.

 

She hurried the stairs back down and joined her team for the last part of their practice. They played a simple game and Lexa's team won.

 

As soon as she ended the training, she spurted into the girl's locker room, just to find Clarke waiting there for her. Monroe and Harper had both to write some exams today, so she had the whole room for herself.

 

"Hey." The blonde greeted her and smiled.

 

"Hey." Lexa replied, but kept her distance. She felt sticky and gross and she didn't want to be close to Clarke in this state. The blonde deserved better. "I'd come over, I feel kind of gross, so I'll shower at first, okay?"

 

The small pout on Clarke's lips was adorable, but the blonde nodded nonetheless. "I'll wait outside then." She moved to get up, but stopped when she saw that Lexa shook her head.

 

"Stay here. I'll be quick." She just replied and started discarding her training gear. Shirt, shoulderpads and so on. Everything was stored neatly in her locker. After that she hurried into the shower and missed the adorable pink flush that decorated Clarke's cheeks now.

 

When she came out of the shower again, the blonde girl still sat there and was now scrolling through her phone. "I'm just changing and then we can head downtown." She said and started grabbing her clothes.

 

When Clarke looked up from her phone and her cheeks became beet red, Lexa let out a little laugh. "See something you like?" She asked with an evil smirk in place.

 

But the answer she got, caught her off guard and left her gaping a little at the blonde. "Obviously." Clarke had simply answered while she swallowed. Lexa couldn't help but bite on her lower lip.

 

She promised that they will go at Clarke's pace, but she wasn't sure how long she could stand this sweet torture.

 

"I mean, who can say no to perfectly shaped abs and legs?" Now it was Clarke's turn to smirk and Lexa's turn to blush.

 

Wow, wait. Lexa never blushed. Literally never. She was the symbol of absolute confidence, so what did this blonde angel turn her into? She was a puddle of emotions every time Clarke was around and was unable to hold up her mask.

 

* * *

 

 

Their drive downtown was filled with singing along with various songs that they both knew and a lot of laughter. Lexa had told her a story to one particular song that involved a horrible dance with Anya at one of her parents business events. They had to open up the event by dancing alongside her parents and it went terribly wrong, simply because they were both young and had hidden themselves before with a bottle of too expensive wine. They had had both been unable to keep up with the pace of the song and it ended in pure chaos.

 

Lexa drove them to the mall and hurried out of the car to open Clarke's for her. "Miss." She said exaggerated with the matching exaggerated move to show Clarke that she may get out of the car.

 

"Dork." Clarke replied with a laugh and shook her head. She thought it was incredibly cute when Lexa did something like that, just because she wanted Clarke to laugh. Not that cute was exactly a word Lexa would be fond of to being described with, but that was definitely on spot. Cute and adorable.

 

"I am your dork...so get out of the darn car. I want to buy you a beautiful dress for my parents idiotic fundraiser." Lexa replied and reached Clarke a hand to drag her out of the car.

 

Clarke knitted her eyebrows. "You want to buy me a dress?"

 

"Of course, I'll pay for it, but I have one condition." Lexa replied with a smirk and Clarke wasn't sure she liked it. Clarke had brought her own credit card ad was mentally prepared to spend a bunch of money on that dress. She wanted to impress Lexa's parents.

 

Yes. Technically, she had met them already, but that was before they got together. Now she had to make a great impression on them as their daughters girlfriend.

 

Clarke got out of the car and looked at Lexa with insecurity written all over her face. It melted away, when she felt a warm palm cup her cheek.

 

"No matter what it costs. If you like it, I'll buy it for you. Money doesn't matter today, okay?" Lexa looked so sincere that Clarke could do nothing other than nod. Even if she wanted to pay for the dress herself, she knew that Lexa wouldn't let her.

 

"Then lets go!" The brunette sounded so excited that Clarke couldn't help but chuckle. She grabbed Lexa's hand and entwined their fingers.

 


	21. You are worth it

 

* * *

 

 

"Clarke! Look over here. That one is gorgeous!" Lexa sounded giddy like a little kid and Clarke couldn't help but laugh. The brunette had shown her at least a dozen dresses and always wanted that Clarke tried them. Every time they were gorgeous, beautiful, stunning or simply hot. But most of them were not really appropriate for a fundraiser, because they were too short or showed too much cleavage.

 

"Okay...I agree, that one is really nice." Clarke said with a shrug. The dress was light blue and had some diamond applications as well as a low back.

 

"This would make your eyes pop. Come do me a favor and try this one. Please?" This whole behavior was really uncharacteristic for Lexa, but Clarke adored this childlike joy. She rolled her eyes and nodded.

 

By now she knew that the money-argument didn't count anymore. Far too often Lexa had just shrugged when Clarke donned one of the designer pieces that Lexa would find for her.

 

"Okay, but you'll try this over here." She pointed at a black dress that in her opinion would fit Lexa perfectly. It just looked so much like her.

 

"I never wear dresses! Can't you just pick a tux from these?" Lexa pointed at the end of the store. Tuxes for women. Clarke knew that Lexa didn't own just one dress. The brunette went to every party with a tux or simply in dress-pants and a button-up with a bowtie. That was her style and Clarke really loved it, but she wanted to see Lexa in a dress, at least one time.

 

"Nope. Either you try this one or I won't try the blue one." There was no room for any arguments and Lexa seemed to have noticed that, because she scowled and took the dress with her in a dressing-room. Clarke let out a small chuckle and got into the other dresser with the blue dress.

 

Clarke knew that Lexa picked that color, because she had already seen Clarke in her blue dress that she wore for the meeting with Mr. and Mrs. Woods. And she knew too, that Lexa really liked the dress.

 

"Lexa, I am ready! Come out now, I know you're too." She rolled her eyes when she heard Lexa whimper. "But, seriously, I look horrible!" The brunette shouted back and that was the moment Clarke decided to drag her girlfriend out there by herself.

 

But she stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Lexa exiting the fitting-room. Her breath hitched, her mouth hang open and her eyes were basically falling out of her head.

 

"Lex. Don't. Never say again you look horrible in a dress! You look stunning, hot and gorgeous all at once, so please stop rambling bullshit! Do you even look bad in any clothes? No matter what you do you always look perfect, that's not fair." She was whining, but it was true. Somehow she really was jealous of her girlfriend who always looked breathtaking.

 

"You are the one to speak. Clarke that dress is...wow...I don't have the right words for it. Seriously you managed to make my breath hitch just by looking at you in that dress." Lexa looked at her with so much love and adoration in her gaze that Clarke beamed right back.

 

"I got one question, Lex...why are you so excited about it? I mean you hate your parents fundraisers." Clarke found herself asking the question that had been in her mind ever since Lexa had asked her to go shopping for dresses. Lexa had complained so much about having to go to this event and now she stood there in front of Clarke all giddy and a puddle of emotions.

 

"Well, um...I think it's just, I really love your look every time you see yourself in a new dress. You finally look confident again and happy with who you are...I love seeing you this way and that makes me truly happy. You have this spark of excitement in your eyes that makes them shine even brighter than they already do...,that may all sound stupid, but I really love you." Clarke didn't care that Lexa was rambling like a excited toddler. All she could hear that Lexa was so incredibly honest with her that it just made her heart melt.

 

She couldn't help but lean in and capture Lexa's lips with her own in a passionate kiss. She got lost in this feeling and never noticed the shop assistant staring at them bewildered and maybe even disgusted. No. In this moment everything blurred into a gray mass around her and only Lexa was shining brighter than everything. In this moment Lexa was her world.

 

"I love you." She whispered when they parted and stared into each others eyes.

 

"I love you more" Lexa replied with a little shrug that made Clarke chuckle.

 

"Seriously. We sound like one of these cliché couples that has been married since forever." She said and instantly blushed. Of course that was a joke and they both knew it, but the imagination of bein married one day did something to her. It was way too early for both of them and it would take another couple of years but maybe one day...

 

"Well, then Mrs. Woods. Please let me pay for that gorgeous dress of yours." Lexa bent forward and kissed Clarke's hand in an exaggerated motion that made the both laugh.

 

* * *

 

 

"Do you want to come over to my place? I could cook you some dinner. Unless you don't have any plans for tonight." Lexa was slightly rambling, but she didn't mind in this moment. She had opened the passengers doof for Clarke and waited there for an answer.

 

"Well, my plans were to make me some half-hearted dinner like pizza or something like that and binge watching pretty little liars, but having somebody cook for me and me having to do nothing sounds somehow better." Clarke replied with a grin on her face that made Lexa smile. She loved seeing the blonde happy.

 

"Honestly. How do you manage to stay in this perfect shape? All you eat is pizza and other junk food and you do literally only the smallest amount of sports. Do you even own sports-clothes?" Lexa asked while shaking her head. That was unfair. Clarke looked perfect and had to do nothing for that while she was going for a run each day, had practice basically everyday and sometimes went to the gym.

 

"Well...that must be something I got from my father. He always does the same." The blonde said with a small laugh, probably thinking of her father in that moment.

 

_She really loves him._

 

Lexa couldn't blame her. He sounded like a great man and so Clarke had enough reasons to love him the way she did.

 

She huffed and walked around the car to take her seat behind the wheel. Their outfits were being fitted for the event and she would pick them up tomorrow in the morning. Cheers to having some privileges. If it weren't for these their clothes won't be ready until they needed them.

 

While she drove she listened to Clarke singing along to a song Lexa already knew she had always sung to in the kitchen with her father using spoons as their microphones. It looked as if Clarke was just reliving one of these moments and Lexa let her.

 

She pulled her car into her parking lot across her building. Once again she hurried around the car and opened the door for Clarke. She wanted to do this right and treating Clarke like she deserved the world was an essential part of doing it right.

 

She took her hand and guided them to the building, when she saw Ontari lounging around in one of the chairs their landlord had placed in the hallway.

 

_For Christ sake! Doesn't she have furniture in her own apartment?_

 

"Um...before we go in, please don't take anything she says too seriously. Ontari, well, um she has a thing for me? She always waits for me to return to my apartment so she can ask me out...this girl is just creepy." Lexa muttered in Clarke's ear which made the blonde chuckle.

 

"So, the famous Lexa Woods has a stalker?" Lexa smiled at the wicked grin on the blondes face.

 

"Kind of...this is just, well...yeah this is just Ontari. To this girl the word no is a foreign language." She laughed silently and tugged Clarke forward.

 

They entered and Lexa couldn't resist rolling her eyes when she saw Ontari's features brighten. The brunette stood up from her seat and made her way over to the couple.

 

"Lex, funny coincidence seeing you here! How are you doing?" Her voice sounded much too flirtatious and Lexa felt Clarke next to her tensing. When she looked over to the blonde it wasn't because of Ontari, no, it was because Clarke really had a tough task to supress a laugh. Lexa could see that all the blonde wanted to do was burst out in laughter.

 

"Well, I live here so it isn't that much of a coincidence, right?" She raised her eyebrows and waited for another lame explanation of Ontari why she was lounging around in the hallway while she literally lived four feet away from the seats in the hallway.

 

"Yeah. I was just sitting there and checked out the new seats our landlord put in here. They are really comfortable, you should join me." The creepy girl seemed to forget Clarke's presence completely which made Lexa's eyebrows rise up even higher if that was even possible. She had heard a lot stupid excuses from Ontari for why she was spending so much time in their hallway, but this, combined with the not so subtle invite to spend time with her, was a new level of negative.

 

"I actually wanted to go upstairs and cook my girlfriend," She motioned with her head to the right where Clarke stood and still held her hand. Ontari might be stupid, but that she hasn't seen this was really strange. Maybe she had seen it but decided to ignore it. Lexa didn't care. "a nice dinner and spend some time with her, so I'll have to pass."

 

The look on the brunettes face was the funniest thing she ever witnessed. Instantly after she had heard the word girlfriend she had turned her attention from Lexa to the blonde that was holding Lexa's hand and glared at her with such and intensity that Lexa already feared that it really scared Clarke.

 

But it didn't. If it did something to the blonde, it was just that it made it basically impossible for her to contain her laughter.

 

"I am Clarke, by the way. Nice to meet you." The blonde offered with feigned kindness. Ontari simply nodded and shifted her attention back to Lexa who now was also on the brink of laughing at the jealousy that was painted onto Ontari's features.

 

"I always thought you had no time for dating? At least that was what you told me every time I asked you out." This was too much. A small laugh escaped Lexa's lips and she shook her head.

 

"You know, its true that I don't have enough free time, but with Clarke it feels different. I love spending time with her more than everything else." She shook her head once more. "Bye, Ontari." She offered and dragged Clarke upstairs.

 

When they closed the door behind themselves, they both bend over and started laughing wholeheartedly.

 

"When you said creepy, I didn't imagine her too be that...that creepy." Clarke managed to get out between her laughter and Lexa simply now smirked at her.

 

"And now imagine that this awaits me every day when I return to my apartment. She always has the best excuses. 'Oh! Lexa! I just came home from shopping groceries, what a coincidence!'" She mimicked the brunettes voice which made Clarke to burst out in laughter once again. "She didn't even have bags with her."

 

"I need you to finally go to college here so that you can move in with me...that face was just the best thing I've ever seen." They both laughed, but then it dawned Lexa what she had just said.

 

They had known each other only for a couple of weeks and it'll be another couple of months until Clarke even graduated, so why the fuck did she just say that?

 

Also...there was something else that eas bugging her. Ontari may be creepy yes, but that didn't give them the permission to laugh about her that hard, did it? For sure that girl was creeping Lexa out, but did she deserve that?

 

No. Nobody did...

 

Clarke had furrowed her eyebrows and stared at her in shock. It was nearly the same as the mention of the married couple only a few hours prior.

 

_Was it impossible to be so sure that this person, a person you only met a couple of weeks ago, was the one for you?_

 

It was, but Lexa felt so content with thinking of spending her life with the blonde. Clarke already held her heart in her hands, so what was wrong with thinking that way?


	22. An offer

  
  


Her phone was buzzing and Clarke hurried to find it. She knew that it must be somewhere in her room, probably under her blanket or in one of her nightstand's drawers, but she wasn't entirely sure.

  
  


„This darn thing! I swear one day I'll throw it out of my window.“ She grumbled when she searched in every drawer. Finally she found it in the last one and was truly surprised that the caller hadn't hung up yet.

  
  


She didn't check the caller's ID. She honestly never did that.

  
  


It was already late evening on a wednesday and she wondered who would call her at this ungodly hour. Not that there were a lot of possebilities, but still. Her first guess was her mother and that she would say that she has to work through the night and wouldn't return at eleven as planned, butr on the other hand, her mother had never called her to let her know that she wouldn't return home at the time that was planned. She just did.

  
  


That left her dad, which was also unlikely, Raven or Octavia, but they never called her late at night and Lexa.

  
  


„Hello?“ She asked as she picked up the call. And the moment she heard the little laugh from the other end of the connection she knew it was a certain brunette calling her.

  
  


„Hey you, I didn't wake you, did I?“ Lexa sounded truly concerned and Clarke couldn't help shaking her head and rolling her eyes. Sure, Lexa wasn't able to see that, but Clarke was sure that the brunette was aware of that motions. That was just the way things worked between the two of them.

  
  


„Nope. I was busy drawing a kind of really ugly and weird sketch, so no, you didn't wake me.“ It was the first time she actually paid attention to what she was drawing. When she drew, she just let her hand move and find the lines, without truly knowing what would be the result of it. Now, she wasn't even sure what she drew. It was some kind of forrest and there was a woman standing in front of a tree with a dark, long coat and a sash. On a second glance that woman looked somewhat like the girl that had just called her. The eyes were piercing and she stood straight with her hands clasped behind her back.

  
  


Whatever that was, it looked kind of strange, but also catching.

  
  


„Okay...I'm sorry for calling you this late, but my parents just called and told me that I should invite you over for dinner with them and me. Before the fundraiser, I mean. There was something they wanted to talk with us about, it may be connected to the trial in two weeks...I know this is probably much and they will understand that you don't want to go. I'd just tell them that you have a school-thing that you have to deal with before the benefit-gala.“ Lexa was rambling slightly.

In the moment Clarke heard the word trial she felt her stomach clench and she gripped her pencil with a lot more force than necessary.

  
  


With Lexa by her side, she almost forgot why they had met in first place. Two weeks...that was not enough time. Two weeks and she had to be ready to face Finn again, just to hear some kind of bad explanation for his behavior. Probably he even would say that he did nothing. Murphy would just go with it and support that story.

  
  


“Clarke?” Lexa asked again. 

  
  


She hadn't noticed that she actually lost in thought, but Lexa pulled her out of her daze that might have let to a panic-attack. She had already felt her breathing becoming ragged and her vision blurry.

  
  


“No...I'll come. How late?” She asked. Her voice sounded probably clipped and really uncertain, but that was the best she could do right now.

  
  


“I'll pick you up at five, is that okay?” Lexa asked and in her voice Clarke could hear, that the older girl exactly knew how she was really feeling in this moment, but it seemed as if she knew, too, that it was the best to leave Clarke for now. They could talk about that another time. 

  
  


“Sounds good.” She just answered and sighed.

  
  


“Okay...see you tomorrow then, goodnight, Clarke.” 

  
  


“Goodnight, Lex.” 

  
  


The day went by fast. Too fast for Clarke's liking.

  
  


After Lexa had shown up the other day, most people left her alone. Probably just, because they were afraid od pissing someone like Lexa off, becaus that really was something that nobody should have on his or her bucket-list. And there was the small side-effect that Lexa's parents were the best lawyers in the country.

  
  


But some of the people at her school were still giving her a hard time. They say things like  _“Alexandria Woods simply did that, because she wanted the guys to stop, not because they're actually dating.”_ or  _“Ey, Griffin, using Woods for her money or what?”_

  
  


The second one really hurt. How could somebody say something like that? She would never do that.

  
  


Now she was already ready for attending the dinner with Becca and Ryder. At least physically, emotionally was another story. But Lexa would be there, right? Maybe with her by her side, Clarke could face it, but still, she really just wanted to forget all of this shit and that it ever happened.

  
  


On the other hand, if it had never happened, she would've probably never met Lexa. And with not meeting her probably the only chance to be happy again.

  
  


She nearly jumped when the bell ripped her out of her thoughts.

  
  


_ You got this. They just want to help you and when you're through this, it'll all be over. _

  
  


She hurried down the stairs, only to find her mother already chatting with Lexa. Abby didn't know they were dating, all she knew is that they had become friends during the whole process of solving Clarke's problems. Good friends that spend a lot of time together.

  
  


But her mother wasn't stupid and the way Lexa's face lit up when she saw Clarke descending the stairs was most likely a good sign that there might be a bit more than friendship, but if her mother noticed, she didn't say anything.

  
  


“I'll leave you two to it, then. Please make sure she is back before midnight, since it is a schoolnight, okay?” Clarke nearly wanted to roll her eyes. Hell, she was eighteen and an adult. She could decide that on her own.

  
  


“Of course, Dr. Griffin. I'll bring her home save.” Clarke had to smile when she heard Lexa's polite and almost business-like voice. It was a mask the brunette could wear perfectly. It didn't matter in front of whom, Clarke's mother or her own parents.

  
  


“Good. I'll take your word for it. Now have a good night and good luck with the fundraiser.” Abby smiled and returned to the livingroom, leaving Lexa and Clarke on their own.

  
  


“Of course you won't wear the dress. No offense, your tux looks really stunning, but the dress did too, believe me.” Clarke said with a smirk. But she was right. The dress really did look amazing.

  
  


“Trust me, I already have a plan for it.” Lexa said with a grin while she offered Clarke her elbow. The grin faded as fast as it had appeared when she heard Clarke sigh. “We can still put a raincheck on the dinner, if you want.” She then offered.

  
  


Again she was offering her a way out. A possibility to flee, to run away.

  
  


But no, Clarke had to face it. If she wouldn't do it now, she would have to do it in the future, so there was no way around it.

  
  


“No. Let's do this.”

They drove in silence, until Clarke brought something up, that had been bugging her since their dinner after their shopping-tour. Maybe she only brought it up, because she wanted to distract herself, but that didn't matter.

  
  


“I thought a lot about our encounter with Ontari the other day...I don't know, but I feel awful about it. We said some really rude things...she didn't deserve that, I think.” She was mumbling.

  
  


“That makes two of us,” Lexa sighed. “I thought the same thing. So I invited her into my apartment that evening, after you left. I know we should've talked about it, but I just had to do it.” 

  
  


Clarke should probably be angry at Lexa for not telling her, but she just felt relieved, that she had thought the same way.

  
  


“We talked about it and I made it clear one last time, that I am not interested in a date with her, but that we could drink a coffee at some point as friends. I apologized at least six times and she told me at least six times, that it was fine. Yeah, we were rude, but she admitted, that she had gone too far, too. Before she went back to her own apartment, I gave her my number, so that she could call me, when she was ready to be friends. She also said that she was happy for us and that we make a good couple that obviously had each others back.” At that Lexa grabbed Clarkes hand and brushed her thumb over the back of the blondes hand.

  
  


“I still feel bad about it, though.” She admitted then with a sigh.

  
  


Clarke nodded. She should have been there and should have apologized, too. It hadn't been just Lexa who had acted out of character and seriously rude, she had done the same thing.

  
  


“I should apologize, too. You have a game on saturday, right?” Of course she had, Clarke knew that. Every saturday until fall-break. Then they would have two weeks off and after that again every saturday. 

  
  


She already planned on visiting Lexa before the match. She could stop by Ontari, too. She owed her a personal apology.

  
  


“Yes. Mount Weather. They are the weakest team in the play-offs. I never understood, why the heck the med-school is allowed to compete with us. They can be about eight years older than the youngest ones from our team and still are somehow really bad.” Lexa furrowed her eyebrows as if she was thinking about something.

  
  


“That's because you are incredibly good. I mean, just remember the pass from the game against Azgeda. If you beat them, some going-to-be-doctors are no problem.” She shrugged.

  
  


The Mount Weather hospital had opened their own med-school in this city a couple of years ago and is well known for being one of the best schools in the entire country. They only accept the best ones and from these best ones, only the best ones would make it through the four years of hardcore-studying.

  
  


“Penny for your thoughts?” Lexa must have noticed that she once again trailed of somewhere other than this car with her thoughts.

  
  


“Ever since they opened that school when I was, five or so, I wanted to go there. They are the best and it isn't too far away from home. But it is basically impossible to get accepted there, so, yeah, that will stay a dream.” She sighed. It wasn't even sure she would make it through pre-med and she was already talking about med-school.

  
  


“It is good to have dreams, Clarke. They make you stronger and give you something positive to focus on. I may not have the best relationship with my parents, but there are a few things they taught me, that are really important. One of them was, that if you want something and you fight strong enough for them, you'll get it. That was what they did with their company. They wanted to become important and worked really hard for it, sometimes they worked through nights and slept in their offices for a couple of hours, but they made it.” Lexa looked at her for a short moment and smiled, but then she once again looked ont the street.

  
  


Clarke let the words sink in. They were nothing but true., but it also terrified her. She really wanted to work hard, but would she stand the pressure? Would she make it or would she break under the workload?

  
“You'll always have me by your side. If you ever think it becomes too much, just talk to me, okay? I will listen.” Lexa squeezed her hand. That was once again one of these moments in which Lexa seemed to be able to think her thoughts.

  
  


Clarke sighed and nodded. It felt so incredibly good to have somebody you could rely on. Somebody who was there and would listen to all of the shit that was going on in your life. Somebody like Alexandria Woods.

  
  


“We're here.” She heard Lexa say after a short while when the pulled onto a parking-lot in front of an obviously fancy hotel with an even fancier restaurant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be all about the dinner and the gala...at first I planned to put them into this chapter, too, but that would just end up in an long ass chapter that nobody has the time to read for. So they'll be in the next one.
> 
> Also...I am currently planning another story. I have two ideas currently and maybe you could tell me what do you rather want to read, a story that plays in the original the100 universe which would involve probably a lot of drama and angst.  
> Or my second idea a story that plays in our world like this one. In this story I was planning on making our girls actresses, that are working on a new show. This one would be probably mostly funny and involves some ridiculous situations, but also some emotional stuff. 
> 
> Tell me what you think sounds more interesting in the comments.
> 
> Until then, have a nice day.
> 
> Nickelback21


	23. Sweet-talking

„I am glad, that you could make it.“ Becca engulfed her in a quick, one- armed hug and smiled at her. Ryder shook her hand and nodded. „We planned on meeting you next week, but we received a call yesterday, shortly before Alexandria called you.“

 

Clarke swallowed. What did this mean? They received a call, fine, but what was this about?

 

„Please sit down.“ Ryder gestured towards two empty seats.

 

As soon as they sat down, Clarke felt Lexas hand on her thigh drawing calming patterns on it. This small motion managed to calm her down, at least a little bit. If things went south, she knew that Lexa would still be there for her. She would always be there for her.

 

„I think beating around the bush isn't exactly the right method in this matter, so I will come straight to the point. Mr. Collins lawyer called. They are offering a deal.“ Becca still donned a calm expression.

 

Clarke felt herself unable to speak. What deal? Was Finn aware that he would loose and gave up? That would fit. He was a coward.

 

„Mother, Father. What is this deal about?“ Lexa had probably sensed that Clarke was mute for this moment. That she didn't have any words.

 

„They offered that, if we drop our charges against Mr. Collins, his family would pay you as much money as you want. His parents want to save him from problems in his future which he would have due to his penalty. Most likely he will have to go to prison for a couple of months which would minimize his chances to find a job or otherwise.“ Ryder explained.

 

Money. He wants to pay her money so that he wont have to suffer in the long term. Clarke swallowed and shook her head slightly. She couldn't allow this. Money wouldn't make up for all she had to suffer and in the long stretch he might end up hurting somebody else.

 

It was cruel, yes, but she had to do that. He had to carry the burdens of his behavior and if that means that he ends up in prison then so be it. There he couldn't hurt anybody. At least not without being punished for it.

 

„How dare he! At first he cheated on her and then he used her as his personal punching-bag. Clarke, as tempting as the money might be, please, don't accept this. Don't even consider it.“ Lexa looked pleadingly into her eyes with her own green ones. „I can give you all the money you need, but, please, don't take his.“

 

Clarke shook her head and put her hand above the one that was now gripping her thigh tightly and squeezed. She looked into Lexas eyes and found the older girl watching her desperately. She wanted as much as Clarke herself that he would be punished. Clarke could feel it.

 

„No.“ Her voice was unsteady, but the finality behind the statement was obvious. „There is no money in this world that I would accept so that he could end up living his life in freedom and being a threat for the whole society.“

 

Ryder and Becca both nodded. Lexa's mother scribbled something into her notebook and then smiled at her.

 

„I thought so. I am sure they only offered the deal, because they know that there is no point in winning. Finn's lawyer is by no means a bad one, but he is also really experienced and should know when to surrender. We have your friends on our side and Anya. He doesn't have a chance.“ Ryder said.

 

„What will happen to John?“ Clarke asked. The whole time this talk was about Finn, but Murphy's name never appeared once. He held her in place while Finn was...hurting her.

 

„He is accused of abetment in this whole issue. Most likely he will get a financial penalty. About three thousand dollars probably. If he is not able to pay this, he will have to spend some time in prison instead. He doesn't have a lawyer yet and will be represented by one from the court, so he won't get away either.“ Becca explained.

 

If he wasn't such a asshole, Clarke might have felt sorry for him. His parents don't really have money and so they probably aren't able to afford both lawyer and penalty, but honestly? She didn't care that much.

 

Yes. It was selfish, but if you do something against the law, you have to pay for it. She wouldn't let him get away with doing all the things he'd done.

 

„Good, now that this is settled, we have one more point we want to speak with you about.“ A look of concern and was it compassion? Spread over Becca's face.

 

No matter, what was to come, it couldn't be something good. Clarke swallowed and nodded. She felt Lexa grib her hand under the table and giving it a tight squeeze.

 

_You can do it. No matter what, I'll be right here._

 

The brunette didn't need to say anything, Clarke simply felt it. It was a warmth that spread in her whole bod, starting at her heart. This small motion was giving her the strength she might need.

 

„There is something you could do to increase our chances on winning.“ The woman gave her a sympathetic smile. „Our chances are already good, but if you would take a psychological test regarding the internal damage all this might have done to you, the results could be used against the defendants.“

 

Clarke swallowed and bit her lip. A test. A test whether she got any psychological damage.

 

Lexa had already talked to her about something like that. She wanted that Clarke visited a psychologist as soon as she was ready. Some professional that knows what was going on with her and who might have a solution for her trust-issues.

 

„Clarke, are you alright?“ Lexa asked her and got her back into reality. She never noticed that she had bitten her lip almost bloody and that she clutched onto Lexa's hand as if it was her life-line. Her knuckles were already white and she was probably hurting Lexa while squeezing her hand.

 

As fast as she could (which took her a couple of seconds) she let go of her girlfriends hand and took a deep breath.

 

„I'll do it.“ She murmured. Not really sure if she actually said it out loud.

 

„Thank you, Clarke. We will set a date and let you know when you have to be where.“ Ryder nodded once again, but this time he donned a reassuring smile. Now he didn't look like the intimidating mountain of a man who you definitely don't want to meet at night in a small alley, no, he looked like an actual teddy-bear with his brown eyes that were shining with the smile.

 

Clarke nearly found herself smiling at that view, but she was unable to do so.

 

„Then we spoke about everything. And I think that we had enough draining topics for one evening, am I right?“ Becca leaned over and placed a hand onto the other hand of Clarke that wasn't occupied with holding Lexa's hand and laid on the table. The woman gave her hand a small squeeze and donned a small smile.

 

Clarke nodded mutely. The motion had taken her off-guard, but it hadn't felt bad. No. It had felt reassuring.

 

„Okay, then let me call the waiter.“ Ryder added.

  
  


  
  


They ate in relative silence. A compliment about the food here and there but not more. Then they divided and went to their cars to drive to the locations Lexa's parents booked for the fundraiser.

 

It was half past seven when they arrived. Thirty minutes until the guests would arrive.

 

Lexa had placed her hand on the small of Clarke's back and rolled her eyes when she saw her mother change the order of pastries on a tray. This woman was a perfectionist.

 

„She does that every time. Rearranging the food until she is unhappy with it and puts everything once again in its first place.“ She sighed and was rewarded with a small chuckle of Clarke that the blonde tried to hide behind her hand. „That's her way of dealing with stress, I guess.“ Lexa sighed again, but this time with a small smile on her face.

 

The time went by faster than they thought, because what felt like five minutes of talking, was actually thirty minutes. The first guests were arriving and Lexa found Clarke fidgeting nervously with her bracelet.

 

„Hey, it's alright. Just be yourself and they'll love you, okay? And if not, they will be kicked out by my parents, because they adore you. Okay?“ Lexa stroke Clarke's back lovingly. She didn't have to be nervous at all. There was basically nothing that these people wont like about Clarke.

 

She heard Clarke take a deep breath and then saw her nodding. This wasn't a lot, but it was enough for this evening. Smiling dumbly and shaking hands was basically the only thing the blonde had to do. Lexa would do all the small-talk since she knew this people a lot better than Clarke and she was already used to this.

 

„Miss Woods! Lovely to see you again, dear. You look really stunning today.“ An elderly man had approached them and shook both of their hands. „And who is this beautiful lady by your side?“ He asked.

 

Lexa hated that kind of talking, but by now, she mastered the art of sweet-talking people into donating enormous amounts of money for her parents charity.

 

„Mr. Wallace. This is Clarke Griffin. Clarke, this is Dante Wallace. He basically owns half of this town by now.“ She smiled at her and then shifted her attention back to Dante. This man was okay, actually. He's a family friend for over ten years now and a business partner of her parents.

 

„The name sounds familiar...are you the daughter of Abby and Jake Griffin?“ He asked and Lexa could feel Clarke stiffen.

 

„Yes. That would be me.“ When Lexa turned her head only the slightest bit, she could see the obvious question in blue eyes. She shifted her attention back to the potential donor, who was smiling at her girlfriend.

 

„It's a loss for our hospital that Abby decided to quit, but she is a smart woman, she will have her reasons.“ He spoke calmly and still donned this small fake smile that was a common gesture at these events. Because, who would attend these parties if it wouldn't be for the rather expensive food and wine?

 

„Yes. My father is at this point in Africa and helps planning and building water pipe-lines to ensure that most of the villages there have clean water, so she decided that she needs more time for me and the household. That were always my father's tasks but now they have to be covered by the two of us.“ This Lexa hadn't expected. A simple yes would have been enough, but that Clarke would be this open about the situation was definitely something new.

 

A waiter passed them and offered them all a glass of wine that they all accepted gladly. Nobody here knew that Clarke was only eighteen and even if, nobody cared.

 

„She is a great woman. It will be hard to find somebody that will replace her.“ Dante said with a slight shake of his head.

 

„Right, you own the Mount Weather Group now as a whole, am I right? I read that you bought the last few shares a couple of months ago.“ Lexa offered. She didn't want that Clarke had to answer any more personal questions and feel uncomfortable, but seemingly Dante had other plans

  
„Yes. We are now starting to conceptualize a new scholarship program for students with high potential for our university. That leads me to another question, Miss Griffin. Do you plan on following your mother's path or do you plan on studying something else?“ Lexa had to fight the urge to roll her eyes and just drag Clarke away. Of course, this was simple small-talk, but this was on a level that Clarke wasn't used to yet and she could see the tension in the blondes eyes.

 

She was about to say that Clarke doesn't have to answer the question when the blonde spoke up.

 

„Actually yes. I plan on becoming a doctor one day. It is a honorable job with high responsibility and I like the Idea of making a difference in some peoples life.“ Lexa turned her head at the excitement that Clarke's voice was radiating. When she caught blue eyes, she saw this exact excitement shining in them.

 

She could see the dream shining in blue eyes.

 

„That is really admirable Miss Griffin.“ He nodded with a small smile. „Well, I should talk with your parents for a bit, Miss Woods. It was a pleasure to meet you once again. And for Miss Griffin, maybe we will see us again en you attend our school.“ He winked and turned around.

 

Clarke turned around and looked at Lexa in disbelief. „Did I just talk to the owner of the Mount Weather Group?“ She asked and Lexa let out a small laugh while pulling her closer.

 

„Yes, you did. And you may or may not have opened your way into their med-school. He really likes you.“ She kissed Clarke's hair and chuckled.

 

Even if not, she would pull the strings she would have in her hands to let Clarke's wish become true. This girl deserved everything and more. A spot in one of the countries best med-school was one of the smallest things she could do for her.

 

„It takes more than a five minute small-talk to get a spot in this school, Lex.“ Clarke mumbled, but Lexa could still feel the excitement radiating from the blonde.

 

„Well, you got more. You are incredibly smart, talented, caring and ambitious. Now add the fact that he really liked the work your mother did at his hospital and the fact that he really admired the work your father does in Africa. The talk with him was just a little bonus.“ Lexa watched the blonde's cheek flushing.

 

„You are really a smooth-talker, you now that right?“ Clarke grinned and shoved her playfully away from her.

 

„Well, perks to having to do that all the time on events like this. But all I said is true, he would be dumb to net let you in his program in a couple of years.“ She said lovingly. „But first, you have to go through pre-med.“ She adds with a small laugh.

 

„You really know how to motivate somebody.“ Clarke grumbles. „Eight fucking years. Plus the whole internship shenanigans, that sounds like fun.“

 

„It's for the greater good, right?“ Lexa gently nudges Clarke.

  
  


 

The rest of the evening went by. They talked a lot of people into donating, even if they both weren't entirely sure for what the donors spend their money.

 

A couple of hours later, Lexa dropped Clarke off at her home and kissed her forehead gently. „Goodnight, niron.“ She mumbled and was already halfway back to her car's door when Clarke shouted after her.

 

„What does that mean?“ Lexa simply smirked and got into the car. Someday she might teach Clarke at least a little bit of the language her ancestors spoke. Trigedasleng was almost dead and nearly nobody was left who could speak it fluently. Her grandfather had insisted that she would learn it and he taught it with so much compassion that Lexa really enjoyed it.

 

But like many of their old traditions, it fades until there is nothing left.

 

Sometimes that was a good thing, since there were some things that definitely shouldn't be present in a modern society. Things like gauntlets or their old chant jus drein jus daun, blood must have blood.

 

She sighed at the memory of her grandfather telling her these kind of stories and started the engine. Wherever he might be now, she really hoped that he was happy again.

  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback recently. It made my day that some of you shared their opinions about some things in this story with me.
> 
> Next chapter will be out on sunday.
> 
> Until then have a nice day.


	24. 12th od October Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst ahead. This chapter reveals a new side of Lexa that we have not seen yet. Originally I planned this to be just one chapter, but turns out that that would turn out far too long so I divided it into two parts.
> 
> As always let me hear your thoughts about this one.
> 
> Nickelback21

* * *

 

 

Time fled by. The next week went by in some kind of blur for both of them.

  


Lexa had several exams to study for and write, plus the normal amount of football, while Clarke was caught up in a school project with Raven for their chem class. They barely talked to each other other than the daily texts.

  


But with the time fleeding by, another date got impossibly close. No. It wasn't the date of the court hearing. It was something that ate Lexa from the inside out. Something that not even Clarke knew. Even her parents are thinking she handles this better, but she can't. It is impossible to make this easier or to make it hurt less.

  


It was a day that had a certain routine by now.

  


It was the 12 th  of October.

  


A day full of pain, self-hate and alcohol to numb the guilt that was gnawing in her chest. Lexa didn't need to think.

  


She would have been 22 today. If Lexa had protected her. If she hadn't convinced her to go for this stupid walk through the park with her in the middle of the night.

  


It was Costia's birthday.

  


When she woke up that day, she curld into a ball and clutched to her pillow. Sobs were shaking her entire body and she was letting out raspy cries.

  


Memories flooded her mind and made it an even bigger mess. She could basically see the newspaper report in front of her that told her the truth. The f*cking newspaper told her that her girlfiend had finally been found. At least parts of her. 'The victims head is yet to be found. It is presumed somewhere in the area the body was found.' This quote made her sobs become even harder. Until now her body was aching from them.

  


She remembered breaking down in her aunts arms. Hell, she wasn't even at home that morning. Indra had held her close, but that could never fill the void that had been left in her heart that day.

  


This was not only Costia's birthday, no. It was the day they found her.

  


Lexa had told Clarke the vague gist of the events, but never dropped an exact date. Costia had been kidnapped seven days before she would turn 20.

Two years. And the pain still felt as if it was yesterday. She still felt the sharp pain every time she takes a breath. She still felt the pain of her fingernails cutting her own palm open, because she balled her fists too hard. She could still feel the pain from being denied to go to Costia's funeral.

  


„I never got a chance to say goodbye.“ She whimpered all on her own. Nobody was there to hear it, but it was better that way. Nobody knew this side of her or that this side still exists.

  


Most of the people she knew thought that the therapy had helped her to go through it all, but no. Not on this day. Not when she had to wait for that inevitable knock on the door. Exactly at 8.37. The exact minute Costia's parents had been told that their daughter was dead. The exact minute the police stood at their door and said that they had something to talk about.

  


Last year had been the same and Costia's mother told her that she would make sure, Lexa never dared to forget what she did to the girl she once loved. The girl that once had been her entire world.

  


Could she blame the woman who lost her only daughter because of her? No. She had the right to blame her for Costia's death. If she hadn't been there, if she never had met Costia, the girl would probably still be alive and happy.

  


Lexa crawled out of her bed and shuffled towards her desk. The third drawer, the one with a lock on it seemed to glare at her.With shaking hands she put the key into the lock and turned it. She already knew what was in there.

  


All the newspaper articles and letters from Costia's parents. Even USB sticks with back-ups from the texts she recieved from them. She let herself fall back into her desk-chair and grabbed the first article with the headline: „Missing Girl! Police assumes an act of violence.“

  


She read the whole thing. 'Costia G. And Alexandria W. Were on a walk through the park when they were attacked. A pedestian found the unconscious Alexandria W. On his own walk through the park the next morning and called 911. Costia G was nowhere to be found.' The first sentences made her heart ache.

  


„It should have been me. Why did you take her?“ She asked out loud while sobbing violently. There will never be an answer to that question. She will never understand why she was still alive. All she knew was one thing.

  


Her murderer had known Costia. He knew which day was her birthday. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense to her that the police got an anonymous call on that exact day which led them to the place the body was found.

  


Back then she tried to solve this on her own since the police never found out the truth. She didn't want to accept that the man who had robbed the only human that ever cared for her from her. She didn't want to accept the truth.

When she finally did. She was a mess. Alcohol seemed to be the only way for her to numb the pain. She got depressed and shut herself off.

  


And this day was supposed to end the same way. The same way as last year. She would read all the newspaper articles before she would drink, simply because that was the only thing she deserved. She deserved to feel all the pain and wasn't allowed to numb it. No. She read them all while being sober.

  


Then she would go to her cabinet and grab the bottle of whiskey that was waiting there for her. But she wouldn't drink any of it before 8.37. Not before there would be a knock on the door that told her they'll never forget what she'd done. She would simply sit on her couch and stare at the bottle while waiting.

  


Then it would knock at the door and she would open it to recieve the letter they send her this year. She would sit again on the couch and read what she deserved to read.

  


„Today our girl would have been 22. Because of you she will never expierence being an adult. She will never be happy again, we will never hear her laugh again and she will never have a family on her own. We hope you can live with knowing this and wish you a long and painful life. She'll never be happy again and you are the cause of that.“ It would read.

  


Then she would start drinking. She would kill half of the bottle and then start throwing her stuff through the apartment. After that she would drink the rest.

  


That was how it was supposed to be. Now she was at the step of reading the articles, but then there was something that didn't fit into the day's schedule.

  


There was a knock on the door. She checked the clock that hung above her bedroom-door. No. It was too early. She wasn't ready. It wasn't 8.37. It was too early.

  


Her first thought was to ignore the knocking. It couldn't be something more important than recieving the punishment she deserved. It couldn't be more important than her grief right now.

  


She went back to reading the article, but the knocking grew more violent. Whoever was there at her doorstep definitely wouldn't back down. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath while putting on an emotionless mask. She wasn't even able to let a fake smile play with her lips. No. All she could do was blankness.

  


Slowly she got up and didn't even bother to check how she looked in the mirror. All she would see is the reason for Costia's death.

  


Slowly she almost crawled the way to her front-door, at least it felt that way. When she opened the door her eyes grew wide.

  


Clarke was standing in front of her with a newspaper tucked under her arm. She looked at Lexa with the most worried expression Lexa had ever witnessed.

  


She didn't derserve that look. She deserved to be screamed at, to be hated, but she didn't deserve being worried about. She was supposed to bear the pain not to be relieved of it by Clarke. She didn't deserve Clarke.

  


„Please let me in, Lex.“ Clarke mumbled. Lexa was supposed to slamm the door shut. She was supposed to not let Clarke in.

  


But she did. It happened automatically. She sidestepped and made room for Clarke to slip in. Then she shut the door and let herself lean against it just to slide down and fall on the ground. Her legs suddenly weren't able to carry her weight anymore and her head was spinning. This was not how the day was supposed to start.

  


Clarke knelt in front of her and she felt the blonde's hand carefully caressing her cheeks. The newspaper was now laying on the ground next to her. „I am here for you, Lex.“ Was the only thing Clarke said.

  


Then she connected their foreheads in silence. There were no words spoken. Just the two of them breathing the same air and Lexa sobbing.

  


The time ran by. Lexa didn't know when Clarke showed up, but all she knew was that it was time. It was 8.37. The single knock on the door told her that.

  


She moved to get up to open the door.

  


When she opened it, there was a single envelope neatly placed in front of the door that read simply „Alexandria Woods.“ The letters were written in blod-red on a black envelope. Exactly like last year.

  


She didn't want to pick it up. She almost couldn't do it, but then she felt a small touch on the small of her back. Obviously Clarke was standing right behind her and had noticed her struggles. The blonde didn't have to say anything her touch said it all.

  


_I am there for you. You are not alone._

  


Lexa shut her eyes and took a breath. Then she picked up the letter that felt so much heavier than just a piece of paper. It felt like the paper wasn't made out of wood. It felt like it was made out of lead.

  


She already knew what they wrote down. The only thing that would be different from last year would be that Costia would have been 22 this year.

  


Like a zombie she walked towards her couch and let herself fall into it. Next to her she felt Clarke sitting down, but she couldn't really recognize it. Her world was narrowed down to the black envelope in her hands.

  


„Today our girl would have been 22. Because of you she will never expierence being an adult. She will never be happy again, we will never hear her laugh again and she will never have a family on her own. We hope you can live with knowing this and wish you a long and painful life. She'll never be happy again and you are the cause of that.“

  


She read out loud. She had to hear it. She deserved to feel all the pain.

  


She read the letter over and over again, but every time she read it, the pain became less and that was something she wasn't supposed to feel.

  


She felt the anger bubbling in her chest and started clenching her jaw while digging her own fingernails into her palms. „Fuck it!“ She screamed and got up to grab her bottle. She was shaking and seriously wanted to destroy her whole apartment.

  


But she never made it further than three steps away from the couch. Two arms found their way around her middle and held her tightly, not letting her go one step further. By now her whole body was trembling and she was starting to fall apart.

  


Clarke managed to turn her around and engulf her in a real hug. The blonde held her tightly even if Lexa wasn't able to do much more than just sobbing. Clarke never let go. She simply let Lexa fall apart in her arms.

  


„It's just..“ Lexa started, but her voice broke before she could even finish her sentence. Tears started once again to stream down her cheeks and were now soaking Clarke's sweatshirt. That was when she began clutching onto Clarke as if she were her only life-line. The only thing that still kept her alive.

  


„It's alright, Lex. You are allowed to fall apart. I am right here and I am not letting go of you.“ Clarke murmured into her ear. It was gentle and barely audible, but Lexa felt the intensity of the statement washing over her.

  


„How...how do you...-“ She wasn't able to end the sentence. She was too weak to do so, but she knew Clarke would understand. She would understand which question Lexa wanted to ask.

  


Because thats just how they worked. They understood eachother without words.

„In the newspaper they call it the anniversary of the most gruesome murder in city-history. As soon as I understood who this was about...I drove here.“

  


„It's all my fault,-I...she would still be alive if she had never met me. If I never asked her to go for this darn-“ She was cut off by Clarke shaking her head and shushing her.

  


„No, Lexa. It is not you fault. That is what her parents want you to believe. It is not the truth. You didn't kill her. It was the fault of the men that took her and killed her. Not yours. Stop doing this to yourself, please.“ Clarke was pleading, but now it was Lexas time to shake her head.

  


„No. If I hadn't taken her on that walk she would still be alive. She would be happy.“ Her voice was weak and shaky.

  


„Maybe. Maybe not. You can't be sure of that. You know what my dad always said to me after my grandma died? He said that our fate is written for us. We don't have a hand in it and we can't change it. What I want to say is that, yes, maybe if you two wouldn't have gone for that walk, she might still be alive, but maybe she wouldn't. She could have died any other way. Lex. Please. You didn't have a hand in this. It's not you fault.“ Clarke wiped a tear from Lexa's cheek and looked at her with the most honest expression Lexa had ever seen.

  


She wanted so hard to believe her girlfriend. She wanted it so hard to be true. But she knew it wasn't.

  


„It's true.” Clarke simply said as if she could read her mind. But that was just how things worked between them. They worked without words.


	25. 12th of October part II

 

„I have to show you something.“ Lexa mumbled, still not really able to think.

  
  


Her head screamed that she wasn't allowed to feel any less pain on this day, that she deserved all this, but her heart was begging her to believe Clarke's words. It was begging her to let herself heal, but could she? Could she really go past the pain in her chest...?

  
  


She got up and searched for photos in her drawer. She never threw any of them away. Every of them held a story for her and reminded her of what had happened and what she had done.

  
  


But, this year it was different. She wasn't alone and would cry alone over these pictures and their stories...Clarke was there.

  
  


Her girlfriend was there.

  
  


She felt guilt bubbling up in her chest. Lexa had allowed herself to forget Costia, even if only for short moments, but she had. She had forgotten what had happened and allowed that to happen.

  
  


_This wasn't right. I am not supposed to forget. I am not allowed to forget._

  
  


But what if doing the wrong thing, by letting Clarke in, was the only thing that kept her upright?

  
  


They gave each other strength and together they are on the way to make their world better. Lexa had been there for Clarke, she had held her the day they met when the blonde had a break-down. She had been there during the dinners with her parents and she will always be there for the blonde. She would always fight for Clarke and never back down, no matter to what costs.

  
  


Maybe Lexa was allowed to heal. Maybe one day....No.

  
  


_NO. NO. NO. I can't be happy again. I am not allowed to be. She is dead because of me. I am the cause of her death and I am never allowed to be happy..._

  
  


„Forgive me, Cos. I dared to forget. Please, forgive me.“ She screamed at the photograph she held in her hands. It was a picture of Costia. She was smiling and a blue flower was tugged behind her ear.

  
  


It had been a beautiful sunny day somwhere in August three years ago. They had spend the day hiking through the woods, only so that Costia could find these flowers. They had walked for hours and hours, but Lexa never minded. She was happy as long as Costia was.

  
  


She clutched onto the picture and let herself slide down the wall. Once she sat, tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was once again sobbing.

  
  


„I am so sorry.“ She mumbled over and over again. Costia couldn't hear her, she wasn't here, but maybe, she could. Maybe there was a way that she could hear Lexa in that moment.

  
  


„Lex?“ She heard a small whisper from the doorstep of her room. Clarke leaned against the doorframe and studied her for a short moment, before she crossed the distance and slid down next to Lexa, taking the piture from her iron-like grip.

  
  


„When was that?“ The blonde asked cautiously.

  
  


For a short moment Lexa just sat there and was thinking wheter or not she should tell. Could she share stories, that weren't just hers?

  
  


„Three years ago.“ She mumbled while fixing her eyes on the picture. Now they were just her stories. There was nobody on this world that knew the besides herself. Costia did. But she is gone and will never tell these stories again. „We were hiking through the forest for hours, just because Costia had read that she could find these,“ She pointed at the flower that was tucked behind her dead loves right ear. „During August in that forest. She had kind of an obsession with flowers. Especially blue ones.“ Her voice was weak and interrupted by sobs, but they became less, once she thought back to that day.

  
  


They had laughed and chased eachother through the forest. They had kissed and held hands. They had whispered their I love you's over and over again.

  
  


„She was really beautiful.“ Clarke mumbled. Lexa lifted her gaze to study the blonde. She expected maybe anger or jealousy, but one thing she certainly didn't expect to see was awe. And that was exactly what she could see in blue eyes. She could see that Clarke meant what she said and that she didn't just say it out of sympathy.

  
  


„Yes. Her eyes always hade a different shade of brown. Sometimes they alomst looked like they were made out of caramel, when on other day, often when the weather was bad, they were almost black. Her hair was alomost uncontrollable. Sometimes she spend half an hour in the bathroom, just to comb her hair and sometimes tried to straighten it, but that never lasted longer than a couple of hours. Her smile had always been the brightest and she was nearly all the time smiling. Without any reason to do so. When I asked her she always shrugged and said that she was simply happy to be there with me.“ Lexa was rambling, but she didn't care. The memories flooded her mind all at once and she somehow felt the urge to tell Clarke everything. „Even if I had a bad day when my parents once again told me that I was not enough, she was there, She held me when I started ranting about them.“ A small, barely noticable smile ghosted over Lexa's lips.

  
  


There was a moment of silence, but then she heard Clarke taking the next picture from the pile.

  
  


„And this?“ She offered the picture to Lexa.

  
  


„Not long after the other picure was taken. It was during fall-break. I had promised her to take her to Disneyland and that was taken there.“ She let her fingers trace the outlines of Costia and her. They held hands and Costia was kissing her on the cheek in front of Minnie and Micky, who did the same in that moment. „Well, she adored Disney, there was no movie-night without the obligatory Disney movie. I think there is no real number in this world that could express how often we watched lion king. It was her favourite movie of all time, but she always had to cry when Mufasa dies. Then I would hold her and she would shut her eyes, simply because she couldn't stand seeing Simba's face when he sees that his father is dead. Then she would laugh when Timon and Pumba were introduced and she would cry again, when Simba realizes that he loves his childhood-bestfriend Nala. She always said that that was because it reminded her of us. We were friends, before we got together, so...“ She trailed off. Lexa didn't know why she shared all this, but it felt so right to do so. To share what a beautiful, on the inside and out, human being her first love had been.

  
  


She never had shared any of these stories with anybody. They had been only theirs. Costia and hers. But sharing it with Clarke was different. The blonde sat there, studied the pictures and would listen to Lexa's rambling without missing a word.

  
  


Clarke took the next one off the pile and held it to Lexa, who let out a small snort at that picture.

  
  


„That was taken by her best friend. We had spend the whole day at the beach with a group of friends. When the sun began to set, I saw the chance to finally have a moment alone with Costia. It was the summer before she disappeared and on that day, I gave her this.“ Lexa revealed a necklace with a ring on it. „We were both too young to be engaged, but it was a promise-ring. That day, I promised her that I would be hers forever. This photo was taken moments after I asked her.“ She smiled at the picture that showed them with their foreheads touching and the sunset in the background.

  
  


„That's a beautiful story, Lex.“ Clarke smiled at her. And Lexa found herself smiling back. It really was beautiful. Their story was beautiful at least until it wasn't.

  
  


„Remembering the good things feels great. I don't know when I did just that in the past. Probably never. I always focused just on how that story ends and never how it started.“ She searched for one special photograph of her and Costia. It was a selfie, taken the night on the trampoline when Costia kissed her first. On the picture, Costia was curled into Lexa's side and had an arm dragged around the younger girls waist. It was literally moments before the kiss that turned her whole world upside down.

  
  


„That was the night of our kiss. Moments before it actually. We cuddled on the trampoline and were star-gazing and suddenly, she kissed me. Back then I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that it felt truly right. At first I was shocked, because, well, as a kid you think that girls are supposed to kiss boys and not girls, but I kissed boys before and that was just awful to be honest. I even had a boyfriend back then at least something like that. But we were only together because I thought that that was how it's supposed to be. Not because I really liked him. Honestly, the only thing I thought when he kissed me the first time was just : Ew, gross!“ She let out a small laugh at that memory. „But the kiss with Cos...that was just an entirely different thing. It had sent sparks down my spine and made me shiver. I really loved her.“ The last sentence ended as a weak whimper.

  
  


Clarke didn't say anything, she just pulled Lexa close to her and let the girl cry on her shoulder. And Lexa did just that. She allowed herself to feel the comfort Clarke offered silently. She allowed herself to accept that there was now someone else who was there for her.

  
  


When the sobs were becoming less, Lexa looked up and studied the other girls face.

  
  


„How did you find out?“ Lexa asked suddenly. She was shocked that the question actually left her mouth, but now it was too late to take it back.

  
  


She was surprised when Clarke let out a small laugh. „That story isn't really as beautiful as yours. And it involves certain liquids.“ The blonde said with a small smirk.

  
  


„I don't care. Tell me.“ Lexa stated. She really didn't care if the story was not beautiful or really exciting, she just wanted to know everything about Clarke. And if that story was somewhat ugly, then so be it. It was a part of Clarke and therefore something she would treasure and always keep in her heart.

  
  


„Well, Bellamy, the guy from your team. He is Octavia's brother and last year he managed to get us into a college-party. Anyway...we drank, a lot and then there was this girl. I don't really remember her name and how she looked like, but I caan certainly say that she was a girl.“ Clarke laughed silently and Lexa clung to every word the blonde was offering to her. „Well, at first we talked and then, I don't exactly remember how we ended up there, but I had pressed her against a wall and we were making out. I knew before that night, that there was something different, but I never was able to name it and whe I kissed the girl, I knew what it was. I am bisexual.“ A short pause until Clarke let out a small snort, obvioulsy remembering something. „Bellamy caught us and you should have seen that look. It was rediculous.“

  
  


Now it clicked in Lexa's head and her eyebrows shot up. „One day, I think it was on a Monday at practice, he was ranting like a fool that every time, he actually likes someone, they turn out to be gay or have a boyfriend. It was the Monday after a party was thrown at one of the fraternaties. He said that he caught the girl he liked with Claire Bettencourt.“ Lexa raised her eyebrows in question, if maybe at the sound of that name there was ringing a bell in the back of Clarke's head.

  
  


It did. „Yes! Her name was Claire! Wait...does that mean...?“ She asked with a shocked expression on her face.

  
  


Lexa made a disgusted face. „I guess we know why he looked so rediculous. He was or is, I don't know, in love with you.“

  
  


„Oh hell no!“

Lexa laughed a little bit and curled further into the crook of Clarke's neck. „What a shame that you are already taken.“ She smiled and closed her eyes.

  
  


„The fact is actually soothing.“ Clarke deadpanned and laughed.

  
  


The stayed silent for a long time, but after a while, Clarke once again picked up the pile of photographs.

  
  


„Tell me about this one.“ She murmured then and Lexa smiled when she saw what picture it was.

 


	26. Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind.

They ended up talking about all the pictures for hours and falling asleep right there where they sat, leaned against the wall and Lexa's face buried into the crook of Clarke's neck. The blonde had draped an arm around her girlfriends shoulders only moments before she had felt Lexa's breath evening out. 

 

When Clarke woke up, she had an aching neck and was almost shivering from the cold. For a moment she had to look around to find out where exactly they were, but then it all came crashing back. She was sitting on the floor of Lexa's bedroom with a pile of pictures in front of her and a whimpering Lexa curled into her right side. 

 

It took her another short moment to realize that Lexa was having a nightmare. Her girlfriend was clutching on the hem of Clarke's shirt with so much strength that the blonde almost thought that she was seizing, but when she examined her, she realized that is was a nightmare that made her seek for protection in her sleep.

 

"Hey, Lex." She tried, but there was no reaction. "Alexandria Gracelyn Woods. Wake up!" She tried louder what had the wished effect of Lexa waking up with a gasp. The brunette scanned her surroundings before she turned her gaze towards Clarke. "Hey, everything is okay. You had a nightmare." Lexa still seemed to be not really able to wrap her head around the fact that she had just dreamed.

 

"You are here." She whispered and captured Clarke's lips with her own, which surprised Clarke to no end. It took her a moment to understand what was happening, but then she pulled Lexa close to her. 

 

"I am right here and I am going no where." She mumbled while gently stroking her girlfriends hair.

 

"I dreamed you were dead...I stood in front of your grave and...it was next to, to Costia's. Your mother was there and shouted at me...It's all your fault!" Lexa's voice was trembling and Clarke only tightened her grip around the shaken girl.

 

"It was just a dream, Lex. I am right here and I am still very much alive." She said while grabbing Lexa's hand to place it just above her heart. "You feel my heartbeat?" She asked and Lexa just nodded, probably unable to say anything. She held her hand right on the spot where Clarke had put it only moments ago.

 

"Please, don't leave me." The older girl whimpered while looking into blue eyes that shone with understanding. Clarke knew why Lexa had had that dream. The older girl was afraid that she would lose Clarke, too. Just like she did lose Costia.

 

"I won't." She knew she couldn't promise that, but right now, in the middle of the night, it was what Lexa needed to hear. She needed reassurance that Clarke wouldn't leave her, at least not voluntarily. "Never." She mumbled.

 

"I love you." Lexa stammered.

 

"I love you, too." Clarke cooed and pulled a strand of hair behind her girlfriends ear. "Come on. The last couple of hours we should at least sleep in the bed." She moved to get up, but was stopped by Lexa clinging onto her as if it was for her dear life. She sighed and settled back into a at least half-way comfortable position. "I guess we'll just stay here then." She mumbled and once again let Lexa curl into her side.

 

Once she felt the older girls breathing evening out, she allowed herself to let her eyes drift shut. She snuggled into Lexa and let out a small sigh right before she slipped into sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

"Clarke Abigail Griffin! Where have you been?!" Her mother shouted from her spot at the kitchen counter. Clarke could feel the anger radiating off her mother and it took all of her courage not just to storm back out.

 

"I was at Lexa's." She mumbled, trying to weasel her way out of it without having to explain the exact reason why she stayed away.

 

"And why the hell are you at Lexa's during a week-night? And are skipping school by the way?" The tone of Abby's voice was normally a sign for Clarke to run for her dear life, but this she wouldn't let out in the open.

 

"If you want to know it then so be it! Yesterday was the 12th of October, the second anniversary of Lexa's first girlfriends death. When I read this article," She threw the newspaper onto the dining table and pointed at the correct report. "I knew that I couldn't let her go through this alone. And you being angry at me won't make me regret it. And by the way I am eighteen, so I can skip school without your permission since I am an adult." With that Clarke stormed upstairs to grab her backpack and her helmet. She skipped school yesterday, but that didn't mean she could do it today again. She would graduate this year and keeping her grades up was now more important than ever.

 

She hurried towards her bike and made her way to school fifteen minutes before the first bell. She sighed in relief when she saw that she had a good amount of time left, because she really thought that she would be late.

 

Spending the night on Lexa's bedroom floor definitely wasn't a bonus for her back, which now hurt like a bitch, but she would do it again, if Lexa would need it at some point in the future. Lexa would do the same for her, Clarke knew.

 

"Wow! There is our new bad girl, who skipped school yesterday." Raven and Octavia made their way over to Clarke and were looking at her with mischievous grins. "Seriously...the bike, skipping school and your hot ass girlfriend you never told us about, your reputation is changing." Raven added with a wink and Clarke just rolled her eyes.

 

"Spill, Clarke. We want to know every detail!" Octavia said with a feigned serious expression what only made Clarke shake her head. The story was by far too long to tell in ten minutes before class and she wouldn't allow it to be shortened so it would lose any importance. No.

 

"Sorry, O. Not enough time." She answered shortly and started to make her way into the school-building with her two friends in tow. Clarke would tell them how she and Lexa met and how their relationship came to be, but she would never tell them why she skipped school yesterday. That was definitely not her story to tell.

 

"Well, then it's about time for a girls-night! This evening. Ditch all your plans, you are going to tell us everything while we're watching the walking dead." Octavia sounded a little too excited for Clarke's liking, but she nodded nonetheless. She had no plans for this evening since Lexa would be locked up with her team by their coach to talk about the tactics for Saturdays game against, if Clarke remembered correctly, the Annapolis Eagles.

 

"Great. I'll bring food and drinks, Rae, you bring your DVD's. Clarke is our guest of honor tonight." 

 

* * *

 

 

The day went by far too fast for Clarke's liking. School had been boring, but only, because it was too easy and she found herself more often than not doodling in her books. Most of her classmates let her be but of course there was always one encounter at least that was far from pleasant.

 

Today it had been some girls, whose name Clarke couldn't recall. All she knew was that they thought that they were the most beautiful and most intelligent people on earth, which was a joke on it's own. They couldn't even to the simplest math-tasks and don't even talk about essays in English lit.

 

It had been when she left the chem lab that they had backed her up against the lockers and were trying to intimidate her. Four against one was never fair, but since only one of them seemed to have a problem with Clarke and the other three were just her small minions, it was hardly a four against one. 

 

A couple of weeks ago, Clarke would have never had the courage to speak up against them. She would have let them rant and bully her, but there was one thing that she had learned from Lexa. It was something her girlfriend had told her over and over again, something that she was now finally aware of again. She was somebody and nobody had the right to do something like that to her. She learned to stand up for her right to being treated like any other person.

 

"What a shame...I can's see Alexandria here anywhere to act as your knight in shining armor, just because she feels sorry for you. Seriously, girls, did anybody really believe that?" The leader of the group had said while donning a confident smile. But Clarke smirked right back. She pushed against the pressure of the arm one of the minions had put on her chest to hold her in place and stood there now with her arms crossed and her back straight. She showed no sign of weakness, even if her body just told her to run for her dear life. Lexa had told her over and over that she was allowed to stand up for herself, but that didn't change the fact that under the mask she put on right now, she was close to have a break-down once again. All she wanted to do was run, run as far as possible, but the it would never change. It would always stay as it was right now and that was something she wouldn't allow anymore.

 

"Yeah...I am so sorry she can't grace you with her presence right now. Anyway...was there something you guys wanted to talk about?" She asked with a small shrug and her smirk still in place. She tried to imitate the confidence Lexa had while she was on the pitch. Proud but nor arrogant.

 

The other girl raised her eyebrows, clearly having not expected such an answer, which only made Clarke's smirk grow. "You don't really think that we believe you? Alexandria Woods would never date somebody like you."

 

Clarke snorted. "Well, I don't care if you believe me or not. Either you believe me, which would be the truth, or you can call her yourself to ask her. Since you really seem to be into her, you may believe her." Clarke grinned and offered the girl her phone with the already dialed number. The girl looked so incredibly terrified. 

 

"I am not into girls!" She screamed basically, but the statement was a terrible lie and everybody in the hallway must have noticed it.

 

"It's not a bad thing. If you are, then fine, I don't judge you. But here is a tip from me, which helped me figuring it out. Why can being happy and in love be wrong? Just because you are with someone of your own gender doesn't make the love any less beautiful. And everybody, even you, deserve to be loved, but therefore you have to accept who you are and what you want. Stop punishing others for it, just because you can't be honest to yourself." With that, Clarke made her way past the stunned group of girls and started her way towards her bike.

 

On her way to the parking lot, tears were starting to well up in her eyes, but she put all of her strength into not letting them fall. It wasn't because she was terrified. No. It was simply because this was so exhausting. Her school was so incredibly narrow-minded that the students don't even allow themselves to be honest to themselves. The girl earlier had been the sad proof for that rule. She was really fighting with herself and never allowed herself to be just who she is. 

 

_If you love somebody of your own gender, then so be it. Love is a beautiful gift that was give to us and you should really fully embrace the right to love. Being yourself isn't always easy, honestly it never really is or becomes easier. If you are any different from the others, you become a target for them because you often don't have people who have your back. It is a fight. A tiring fight that costs a lot of energy, but in the end, the prize is so much more valuable than all the strength you had to put into the fight. You fight for being yourself and if you are being bullied for it, no matter if emotionally, verbally, or physically, remember one thing. You have to stick up for your rights and for being treated like any other person. Remember to stay strong and remember to be yourself. That sounds so much easier than it is, but in the end it's worth all the effort. You learn how to deal with the problems of this world while the others are thrown into cold water once they leave school and have to realize that not everything is gifted to you, but has to be achieved._

 

Clarke fought with her tears the whole ride back home, but she never let them fall. She knew that she should be proud of herself, but that is hard if you think that just everything is just plain unfair in this moment. 

 

A few hours later, she sighed and made her way downstairs with her bag of sleep-over stuff over her shoulder. She had talked to Lexa on the phone about what had happened and finally got the chance to rant about it to somebody other than herself. It had felt as if a weight was lifted from her shoulders and as if she could breathe again.

 

She hurried into the kitchen and  left her mother a note which only said that she would stay at Octavia's for the night and that she wouldn't return before school the next morning. Abby will probably call her and tell her that she has to come home right there and then, but she may or may not have put her phone on flight mode and she may or may not miss that call then. Raven and Octavia would never give her the chance to call her back either, because of the questions they would ask at rapid-fire pace throughout the whole night, so Abby just would have to live with the fact that Clarke is an adult who can decide herself what she did.

 

She grabbed her bag and her backpack for school the next day and headed out the front door. It was already dark and she had to use her phone-flashlight to find the right key on the hook, but when she did, she lost no time to make her way to her friend's home.

 

They hadn't done something like this in a while, and Clarke almost felt nervous about it, but all in all she was looking forward to spending some time with her friends. 

 

 


	27. Girl's night

One last time before she knocked at her friend's door, she sighed and braced herself for the night, which would be insanely long, given the fact that Raven and Octavia would want to know every detail about her relationship. She won't spill everything, of course, even if they would beg. No. Some things were just her and Lexa's. And honestly? She didn't trust them enough. There was always the little voice in her head that told her that she had to be cautious.

 

As soon as the door was opened, she was dragged into the house by an excited Octavia who almost squealed when Clarke finally showed up. Raven had just stood behind her and had shaken her head disbelievingly at her best friend who was as excited as a little kid on Christmas.

 

The living-room had been transferred into some kind of lounge with mattresses littering the floor and a ridiculous amount of blankets and pillows sprawled on them. The TV was already set up and the menu of some DVD of the Walking Dead was the only thing that provided any light in the room. Octavia dragged her into a corner whose only purpose was obviously to be a seating area.

 

Once they were all settled, two expectant pairs of eyes were looking at Clarke, who simply sighed. They would never let her be when she told them that there is nothing to share. "What do you want to know?" 

 

"How did you meet her? All I know and all she told us when she was talking to us because of the court-date is that she supports you during the whole thing and that her parents are your lawyers. Which is insane by the way. How do you afford them? No offense, but they are definitely out of our league." Octavia rambled and Clarke's eyebrows shot up. She had expected a lot, but them questioning her about her lawyers was definitely not one of the things on her list.

 

"Well...um, I don't pay them?" Clarke mumbled insecure. She still didn't like the fact that she wouldn't be able to pay them their normal wage and that they didn't expect anything bugged her even more. She felt bad for it, but honestly, she didn't know what she would do without their support. Without them, it would probably still be the same.

 

"You don't pay them? Are you serious?" Raven asked disbelievingly with a frown in place. 

 

"Yes...I am serious." Was the short answer she offered, too ashamed of the truth.

 

"And why don't they want your money?" Octavia asked then. Clarke clenched her jaw and carefully planned out on how she would tell the whole story. She bit her lip when she remembered what was the reason she and Lexa had met in the first place.

 

Finn and Murphy, beating the shit out of her.

 

"I better explain the whole story then?" She asked which was answered with two eager nods from her friends. This was going to be a long night with a lot of talking on her part. "Okay...well it all started when Finn and Murphy...you know that part. Anyway, Indra or Mrs Woods for you, had dragged Finn and Murphy out of the classroom to send them to the principal, because they had made some comments about me. After that I ran away from school and as soon as they were released from the office, they came after me. Once they found me...Murphy held me in place and Finn,-he started to beat the hell out of me." She paused when the memories of every punch were flooding her mind like an avalanche. "Indra somehow knew what was going on. When Lexa had visited her the following Friday, she told her everything and Lexa made her set up a meeting with me and my mother to talk about it. I was so fucking terrified to speak about it..., I mean what if Murphy and Finn had found out that I sold them out to a teacher? They would have probably...killed me." She had to pause again to collect her thoughts and put them in the right order. Later on the story would get easier, but this part right now was terrible. She hated to remember that anything of that had even happened, but on the other hand then she would've never met Lexa. "We met that Saturday. Indra had invited us over and Lexa was there, too. At first I didn't understand why there was somebody else. For me it was already hard enough to tell that whole story one person, but two? I was only seconds away from running again. And I would have probably done just that, if the other person had been someone different than Lexa. Somehow I felt from the beginning, from the moment I first saw her, that I could trust her....I told them everything and then Lexa offered the help of her parents. She had talked to them earlier and they had told her that they were willing to represent me for free."

 

She took a deep breath. This had been the hardest part luckily. From now on it would become easier for her to talk about what had happened, since she didn't really have to put any thought in what Finn and Murphy had done to her.

 

"That explains it, at least a little bit. You are really lucky your girlfriend has such connections." Raven mumbled, obviously thinking about something. But her face told Clarke not to push it. Raven would talk about it as soon as she was ready and not a second earlier.

 

"What happened after the meeting with Mrs. Woods?" Octavia asked, far too curious for Clarke's liking.

 

"Well, um...Lexa asked me if she could speak to me in private. I agreed. She wanted to explain why she wanted to help me so badly and I, with my trust issues, didn't fully believe her and thought that she would let me down like any other person in my life. I had a break-down and started crying. She simply held me then and told me over and over that everything she told me was true. When I calmed down, I started to believe her. Somehow there was this feeling that I could trust her wholeheartedly. She gave me her number and after that we texted a lot and started spending time together." Clarke finished their meeting-story. Of course, it was overshadowed by the events that lead to their encounter, but all in all it was kind of a beautiful story. A story that screamed the trust Lexa and Clarke had for each other out into the world.

 

Obviously, Octavia was not even close to have asked everything she wanted to know. No. There was a lot more to come.

 

"And when was your first kiss?" She asked boldly.

 

The memory of it made Clarke smile. It had been such a perfect moment. "A week after we first met, actually. I know that's not a lot of time, but somehow that worked for both of us. Um, it was Sunday morning. The night prior, Lexa had had a game, if you would ask Bellamy every now and then, you would have known, O, since she is is captain. Anyway...Lexa had invited me to watch the game and to the party that would be at hers after that game. At the party, we, um, got closer, but I panicked and ran away." Her trust issues had always been a problem. She never really learned how to trust someone entirely, since everybody always left her at some point. Safe from her father, and now Lexa. It was already somehow hard for her to trust Octavia and Raven in that moment. It shouldn't be, but it was. She took a deep breath and continued. "She comforted me and we talked about it, she told me that she wanted me close to her and that she wanted me in her life. And that she didn't only spend time with me because she felt sorry for me." 

 

"So you kissed while you were drunk?" Octavia stared at her in shock. But Clarke shook her head and chuckled.

 

"No. Be patient, O." She glared at Octavia mockingly, but then proceeded with her story. "Well, after I calmed down, Bellamy and Zoey Monroe came out of the building and were rambling something about going home. Turns out that Lexa has only one rule at her parties. Nobody goes home alone. And since I live on the other side of the town and would have nobody to go with, she let me stay in her guestroom." Clarke intentionally left out the part where she slipped into Lexa's bed in the morning. That was something she treasured for herself and Lexa, of course. 

 

"The next morning she took me to a hill about a hour away from her apartment. That idiot jogs that trail every morning. Anyway...once we were up there...we kissed." Clarke added with a sly smile on her face. Octavia just stared at her in shock as if she just learned the most exciting story of the year. On second thought, maybe it was the story of the year, depending on what happens next.

 

Clarke had to answer to a ridiculous amount of questions regarding details until she almost thought that her brain was just a wreck. Octavia squealed at every cheesy detail while Raven just rolled her eyes and sometimes let out a small snort. 

 

Raven never had been someone for the romantic shenanigans. With her you could have fun, but girls talk? Nah, that definitely wasn't her thing. But therefore Clarke could always start and argue with her about various topics. Often regarding something they had to do in chem class. Often their experiments ended up in a ball of flames and sometimes in someone burning off their eyebrows, but never Raven or Clarke themselves, always the others. Their teacher would, if they weren't the best in his class and seemingly the only ones that understood what was happening, probably send them every time to the principals office. But everything he now did was shaking his head when he hears the sound of an explosion or a squealing Raven. In chem class they were the absolute dream-team.

 

Clarke was ripped out of her thoughts by an overly excited Octavia who seemingly never was satisfied with her answers. "When did you two got together?"

 

Clarke rolled her eyes and grabbed her phone. Lexa had texted her half an hour ago that she was now a free woman again and not on lock-up with her teammates in a far too small room with their incredibly stupid coach. She dialed the number she now could type blindly, put her phone on speaker and waited for the call to connect.

 

Raven and Octavia were both staring at her as if she lost her mind, but they didn't have the time to ask, because when Octavia opened her mouth, the call connected. "Hey you." Lexa's voice sounded a little bit tired but not too tired.

 

"Hey. I am here with my stupid friends who are bombarding me with questions for hours. I am tired, could you please answer Octavia's question for me?" The answer was a small laugh from the other side of the connection. Clarke could basically feel Lexa shaking her head.

 

"You're so lazy, sometimes I can't imagine how you are making the way to your fridge to eat." Clarke rolled her eyes. If Lexa would have been here right now, she would have shoved her against the wall and press her lips against the brunette's. Hell, she loved that woman so much.

 

"Food is a good motivation. Anyway....could you please save me? Octavia is glaring at me right now and waiting for an answer." She begged almost, because she knew if Octavia wouldn't get any answers soon, she would personally kick her out of the window. At least that was what her look told Clarke right now.

 

"What do you want to know?" Lexa then asked and Clarke took a deep breath of relieve, earning a chuckle from Raven.

 

"When and how did you two got together?" Octavia asked, but it wasn't with the same overly excited voice, no, she almost sounded shy right now. Was Octavia Blake really wavering now that she spoke to Lexa? That was too good to be true.

 

"That was the day I came to your school. You know when there were these idiots that tried to make fun of Clarke?" Lexa asked.

 

"Of course." Octavia answered eagerly.

 

"Okay, after that, Clarke took me on a ride on her bike. She drove us to a small lake in the woods and then we hiked through it, to a small place where nobody was. She told me that her mother quit her job at Mount Weather Hospital, I was so happy for her that her mother would be able to spend more time with her, but of course I did something to ruin her perfect mood." Lexa sounded as if she truly regretted what she had told Clarke on that day, but they both knew that it had been necessary. And honestly, Clarke wanted nothing more than to tell her over and over again that Lexa should never regret telling her that part of her life.

 

"What did you tell her? That you have a girlfriend somewhere across the country?" Octavia asked with her moth wide agape. How close she actually was, did she not know of course.

 

"No. I told her a very important thing about me that only the ones closest to me know. I wanted her to understand me fully and maybe give her one last chance to run, but of course she didn't. She's too stubborn for that. Anyway...after I told her the story, Clarke thanked me for being honest with her and to let her know that part of me. After that I told her that I loved her and she said it back. That was when I asked her to be my girlfriend. I was so happy in that moment. At first I thought that the things I told her beforehand would scare her off, but when she said that she loved me, too, I knew that I couldn't let her go anywhere." Lexa's voice was filled with emotions, but Clarke knew for sure that her friends either didn't notice them or didn't bother to recognize them. 

 

Clarke heard them. Lexa was thinking about the story she had told Clarke and the fact that Costia's day of death had been only a day ago, didn't really help the matter. All she wanted to do right now is to abandon her friends and drive over to Lexa's. She knew that the older girl would never admit it, but she will be crying if Clarke wouldn't do something. 

 

If she was being honest she hadn't thought about what the story could trigger and she felt truly bad that she let Lexa tell the story. What the hell had she been thinking?!

 

Clarke stormed out of the room and in the end out of the house. She wanted to talk to Lexa alone and apologize. When she knew for sure that her friends hadn't followed her, she lifted the phone to her ear and sighed. "Lex? Are you okay?" She asked.

 

"Yes. It's fine. But you know that I hate the fact that I can't tell the story without being sad? I should be the happiest person in the whole world. " Was the answer that let a small sad smile play with Clarke's lips. That was Lexa to her. The most honest person she had ever met. She was the only person that told Clarke what she was truly thinking and feeling and vice versa. 

 

"It's okay, Lex. I understand that this story is haunting you and that it makes you sad while thinking about it. I am so sorry that I didn't think about that. I am so sorry." Clarke bit her lower lip. All she wanted is to turn the time back to the moment where she was about to call Lexa. To spare her girlfriend the emotional torture.

 

"Don't be. It's nothing you should be sorry of. You already helped me so much getting through the day yesterday...you helped me remember the good times and not just the end. You made me smile on a day I thought I would never smile on again. You listened to all these stories that belonged to the photos even if I am technically talking about my ex. You listened and were there for me even if I didn't even tell you that I was a wreck on that date. You gave me the biggest gift I could think of." The sincerity in Lexa's voice was so evident that it made tears well up in Clarke's eyes.

 

"Smooth talker." Clarke grumbled, but her voice was weak and it was impossible to overhear that she was crying.

 

"Don't tell me that I made you cry...don't cry, please. Niron, don't cry." Lexa's voice sounded panicked and Clarke couldn't help but let out a tearstruck chuckle. Her girlfriend was so incredibly caring. Normally Lexa should be the one crying, she was the one with the dead ex-girlfriend, not Clarke. But the blonde couldn't help it. The things Lexa had said made her cry.

 

"It's just....I love you so so much...it's almost ridiculous." Clarke mumbled It was completely true. She didn't even think that love, even if it was such a strong word, was enough to describe what she was feeling. What she was feeling for the girl that saved her from hell. The girl that does her best to build her back up again. The girl that finally made her feel like somebody again.

 

They still had a long way to go and honestly Clarke was afraid. She was afraid of the court trial, she was afraid of Finn and Murphy and she was afraid that at some point this dream would be over. That she would wake up one day and that she has to go though everything alone again. But it wasn't a dream, right?

 

If it were a dream, she wouldn't be able to feel so strong for Lexa. No. It was definitely reality and with her girlfriend by her side, she may be able to get trough this. At some point she might fully heal, but that was somewhere in the future.

 

"Love is no word for what I feel for you." Lexa mumbled back, seemingly lost in thoughts, too.

 

"That was actually the same thing I was thinking about." Clarke admitted with a small chuckle. 

 

"Good we're on the same page then. Now go back and enjoy your girl's night." Lexa said and Clarke could basically hear the smirk on the brunettes face. She had told Lexa before that she honestly wasn't really comfortable with being questioned all night. She felt pressed and uncomfortable.

 

And if she was being honest, she came to a conclusion this night: Lexa probably was her only true friend. 

 

Raven and Octavia, well, Clarke didn't know...something didn't sit right with them. They were by her side during the whole shitshow, but there was something that was bugging her. They had been there for her but they never did anything against it. She felt like they just let it happen.

 

Not that she could really blame them. If they had been doing something against it, they would have probably been bullied, too. Lexa would tell her now that it was a best friends job to so everything for their friend, but Clarke couldn't find herself to think that. She could never stand the fact that somebody else would have to live through this hell, just because of her.

 

She shook her head to clear the slight daze in it and answered finally.

 

"Just a few more hours to go right? You come tomorrow and pick me up from school?" Clarke asked with hope. They had talked about spending the afternoon together.

 

"Yes. I'll be there, now go." Lexa pushed her verbally back into the room and Clarke shook her head.

 

"I love you."

 

"I love you, too." With that Lexa ended the call and Clarke had no other choice than going back and be ready for round two. Even if she really didn't want to.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, friends!
> 
> Just a short note. I plan to upload my new story tomorrow evening. It is called Maybe someday reality will catch you of guard and is an actress au. If you are interested tune in.  
> So from now on I will post updates on guardian every Friday and Sunday and on my new one on Saturday.
> 
> Lastly I wish you all a nice evening and weekend:)


	28. My world

"I'll make a quick detour to the restroom, Clarke. Do you want to wait here or where can I find you when I return?" Lexa asked in front of the stairway that led to the restrooms.

 

The brunette had picked up Clarke from school as soon as her classes were finished for the day. They had planned to spend the day together at the mall, since Lexa has once again an overly exclusive dinner with friends of her family to attend and therefore needed new clothes. Because god forbid if any of them notices that she had worn the clothes once before. Clarke had just rolled her eyes and shook her head. She loved it when Lexa started ranting about the things that come with being rich. If that was the case, the brunette didn't know when to stop and would, if Clarke wouldn't interrupt at some point, talk for hours. That was just a funny thing that made her day.

 

"Yes, I'll wait in the seating area over there." She pointed at some sofas that were set up in a circle. The mall wasn't really crowded since it was the middle of the week and so these spots were free. 

 

"Okay, I'll be back in three minutes." Lexa said with a small smile. Clarke felt one last squeeze of her hand, before Lexa had turned away and was making her way to the restroom. Clarke sighed and started strolling over to the sofas. 

 

With a sigh she let herself fall into the not really comfortable couch. She fished her phone out of her pocket and started scrolling through her social media apps. Twitter was around this time more than just active and even if she felt like she had reached the end of notifications, new ones appeared. But when she finally had no nerve anymore to scroll through Twitter, she opened Instagram. 

 

The same thing here, but there was something that stopped her from scrolling further down. It was a picture her account had been attached to. 

 

At first she didn't really realize what it was, but after the first few seconds, she glanced at it a second time. It was a picture of her and Lexa while they went for a walk in the city. That had been a few days ago.

 

She and Lexa were holding hands on the picture and she had her head leaned against Lexa's shoulder. 

 

"What the hell?" She mumbled silently to herself while tapping on the link that was in the pictures description. 

 

The headline read:  _Alexandria Woods, heiress in love._  

 

Slowly Clarke scrolled through the article that was loaded with other pictures from that evening.

 

_The heiress of the Woods Inc. law firm, Alexandria Woods was spotted in the town's center with a blonde woman, whose identity is not clear yet.. The couple had been going for a walk and were seen holding hands and kissing. The pictures, taken by a local photographer are leading to the assumption that Alexandria Woods allowed herself to fall in love again._

_Two years after the tragic disappearance and murder of her longtime girlfriend Costia, Alexandria seems happy again. Two years ago it was revealed that Alexandria and Costia were walking through the park and were attacked by a yet unknown man. The day after the attack, a pedestrian found Alexandria with a bleeding gash on her head while her girlfriend was missing. Tragically, the young woman's body had been found on her birthday after the police got an anonymous tip, a year after the attack._

_The young heiress from then on was only spotted at events with her younger cousin or without any company. It was revealed by a friend of the family that the young woman swore to herself never to love again. But seemingly with this unknown blonde it is different. Insiders are also reporting that she accompanied  Alexandria to one of her parents benefit galas._

_The identity of the blonde has yet to be revealed, but it is rumored that it could be the daughter of Dr. Abigail Griffin, the chief of surgery at Mount Weather Hospital. The doctor's daughter is named Clarke Griffin and is currently a senior in high-school. She is eighteen years old, which makes a three-year difference between the young couple._

 

Clarke blinked and swallowed. She didn't even notice that Lexa was kneeling in front of her with a concerned expression on her face. She couldn't breathe, somehow it felt like there was an invisible weight pressing down on her chest which made it impossible for her to get any oxygen into her lungs. Her fingers started trembling and soon it took over the whole body until she was shaking violently. She was clutching onto her phone so hard that her knuckles became white and that it was a miracle that the screen didn't crack.

 

She should have known this. Dating Alexandria Woods, a young woman, well known in the news, comes with articles like this. Hell, she was dating the daughter of some of the best lawyers in the world who also are really active on the TV or social media. She shouldn't be taken so hard of guard by this article. She shouldn't even pay a second thought to it, but her she was, having a panic attack, because of some article.

 

"Clarke? Clarke, can you hear me?" Lexa's voice cut through her daze like a sharp sword through the enemies flesh. Clarke shook her head, still trying to catch her breath. Her vision was foggy and she couldn't focus on anything.

 

"Clarke, hey. I am right here, look at me." She felt something soft on her left cheek. Lexa's hand guided her to look into her direction. Just the simple touch did miracles and calmed her trembling, at least a little bit. Behind the blurry curtain that layered over her vision, she could make out Lexa's concerned expression. 

 

"Clarke? I need you to match my breathing, okay? Just breathe the same way I do." Clarke somehow managed to nod and shifted as much focus as she had right now to the brunette who had sped up her own breathing. "In.....and out. Good. In....and out. You are doing great." Slowly Lexa slowed their breathing until it was back to normal again. Still announcing when to pull in a deep breath and when to let out a deep breath.

 

Clarke's vision became clearer and the trembling was basically non-existent now. Her mind started working again and now she was fully able to concentrate on Lexa. Green eyes filled with so much concern were looking up to her. 

 

"Hey...it's alright. I am right here, Clarke." Lexa mumbled while getting up from her knees and sitting down next to Clarke so that the younger woman could climb into her arms. 

 

Clarke now let the tears fall she didn't know she was holding. She felt so stupid for getting a panic attack just because of some darn photos of her and Lexa on the internet. She should have thought about this earlier, but Lexa was, when she was with Clarke, such a normal and sometimes even a really dorky person. Clarke simply forgot that she was part of an entirely different world. Articles like this one were an every-day- thing for her, but for Clarke? For Clarke this was just so much at once to comprehend. There had never been an article about her in any way, not even in the local newspaper. No. This was so new to her that she didn't know how to react.

 

And her body had reacted the way it always did if something becomes too much for her. 

 

"They sat a while there in silence, completely forgetting that they were in a really public space and ignoring the few strange looks some of the pedestrians shot them. The only thing they both felt right now was the presence of the other one. 

 

"What happend?" Lexa asked a while later. When Clarke opened her eyes again, she found that the crowd had already thinned out and that there were only a few of the shops still opened. They must have sat there for a long time.

 

She gathered her thoughts and took a deep breath. "It's stupid. Like really really really stupid." Because that was what it was in her eyes. Getting an attack just because of some article was stupid.

 

"I don't care. Tell me, so I know how to help you." Lexa mumbled into Clarke's ear.

 

"I was scrolling through Instagram and then...there was this picture. It was from one of these stupid gossip magazines. It was taken today while we were here." Clarke unlocked her phone and showed the article to Lexa, who now had understanding written on her features.

 

* * *

 

Lexa read the report. It was a really bad one actually, sloppy written and not really focused, but she read the whole thing. 

 

She now understood why Clarke had been panicking. The blonde wasn't used to get this much attention or any at all, so a article in some gossip magazine was really a big deal. 

 

When she finished the article, she tightened her grip around Clarke. She felt so sorry for the girl who was probably thinking right now that she was the biggest freak on planet earth, even if Lexa would tell her otherwise. 

 

Lexa herself grew up with attention from the media. Back in her childhood days it was a really big deal that a couple like the Woods were able to raise a child next to their ridiculous workload. Often newspapers asked for interviews with the whole family as soon as Lexa turned ten. Every time her parents made it look like they had the perfect family life. That they would go on small trips, like hiking through the woods or playing football in the park. Sometimes, these stories were tue, but the most of them were either lies or were stories that Indra had told them, since she was the one who basically raised Lexa like her own child.

 

In her teenage years there was kind of a radio-silence, but now that she was also majoring law, the attention had shifted back to her. She lost count of how often she was asked when she would take over the family-company from her parents. In the long shot, that was her goal, but she would do it when she was ready and has already gotten some experience in that profession. There was no way that she would start leading such an impressive company without having any experience. She had already talked to her father about it and he had said that he would offer her a job in the company first, before the actual plan was beginning to roll.

 

"I know it's stupid to freak out like this because of an article like that, but...I don't know. I just forgot that the media actually pays attention to your life and that such articles will be written. I should have thought about that earlier, but-" Clarke stopped her rambling as soon as she saw Lexa shaking her head.

 

"No, Clarke, it's not stupid. You never experienced something like that before and it must feel strange to say the least. I know that I am not the biggest help, since I grew up with shitty articles like this one, but I can assure you that this will change nothing. Really nothing. Look, if I am being honest, I totally forgot that this could happen. When I am with you it doesn't feel like I am just Alexandria Woods, billionaires daughter and heiress of Woods Inc. No, I feel like I can only be Lexa with you. The woman I really am. The woman who drools as soon as she sees you in a dress, the woman who sometimes makes incredibly dorky gestures and the woman who loves you with all of her heart." 

 

When she was with Clarke, Lexa simply forgot the burdens she had to carry through the day. She forgot her parents money and she forgot the expectations everybody seemed to have. 

 

With Clarke she could finally be who she wanted to be. Her girlfriend made that wish become true and for that, and multiple other reasons (which really were too much to count), she loved her with every fiber of her body.

 

"It's just...I don't know. It reminded me of the fact that you live in an entirely different world. Your parents are rich and you grew up with all the luxury the world offers. My parents are somewhat wealthy, too, but it's still something completely different. I guess I just...am afraid that I am not enough. That I can not give you what some girl from your world can give you." Clarke's voice was shaking and unsteady.

 

Lexa couldn't refrain from letting out an incredulous laugh. She was shocked that Clarke even thought something like that. That she would even assume that she didn't give enough.

 

"Clarke, stop. Never think that again. Never, really. I thought that the things I said literally five minutes ago were enough prove of the way I feel about you, but if you are still unsure, let me tell you something. Clarke, when you came into my world, you turned it upside down, seriously, but in the end you did something that I can only describe in one way. You became my world. Not my parents, not their powerful friends and allies, no, you are my world. I know that we grew up differently, but I can assure you that this will never affect the feelings I harbor for you. Never." She kissed Clarke's temple and sighed. She felt so sorry for the young woman that had to live through so much that her trust issues were making it so hard for her to enjoy the good things in life.

 

Sometimes Lexa really had a hard time to understand it, if she was being honest, but she tried. She knew that Clarke had been through so much and never really trusted anybody besides her dad. And she knew that her trust had been betrayed far too often, but that her girlfriend thought that she wouldn't be able to give Lexa enough hurt. 

 

She wanted nothing from Clarke besides her love. She didn't need someone that would shower her in expensive gifts. No. She needed someone that loved her purely and honestly and from what she could witness, Clarke did that. 

 

"I love you and as long as you love me, I'll be the happiest woman on earth." Lexa mumbled once again.

 

"I do love you. So much-"

 

"It's almost ridiculous. Yes we already established that." Lexa let out a small laugh. And even Clarke let out something that resembled a sad, tear-struck laugh.

 

* * *

 

 

They sat there in silence, until the security kicked them out. When they headed to Lexa's car, it was already 10 pm, but Clarke's mind wouldn't settle down. No. After she had calmed down and after Lexa once again declared her love for her, she had made a decision.

 

The article had already put it out in the open, but she needed to talk to it with her mother. She had to finally come out to her. Abby was probably more than aware of her sexuality, but she had never voiced it out loud to her and somehow she felt that she needed to do just that, now.

 

"Lexa?" She asked, her voice determined. 

 

"Yes, niron?" The brunette replied, her eyes still glued onto the street.

 

"I need to talk to my mom. Can you come with me?" 

 

"Of course. I don't have classes tomorrow morning, so I could stay over. But do you think you are ready? I mean you shouldn't feel pressured by the article." Lexa had knitted her eyebrows and, even if she was looking onto the street, Clarke could see the concern in her eyes. 

 

"Yes. I should have done it a long time ago. The article just gave me the last push. I am ready." Clarke meant it. She was ready to face it and if Lexa was by her side, she definitely wasn't afraid.

 

With Lexa by her side, she could face the world.

 

 


	29. Come out

 

"Mom?" Clarke shouted as soon as she entered the house with Lexa right behind her. She knew that her mother was at home. She had had the rest of the month off because she had collected enough overtime and when the month was over she would start her new job at the local college, which Lexa attended, too. 

 

"Yes, Clarke?" The voice came from the living room. Clarke took Lexa's hand in hers and together they made their way over to her mother. The older woman sat on the couch and was reading in some book about sports medicine. Obviously she wanted to be prepared for her new job.

 

Before, Clarke hadn't been nervous, no, in fact, she had felt determined and secure. Now that she had to look at her mother, she got a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had let go of Lexa's hand when they entered the living room, but her girlfriend's presence was enough to make her feel safe and at least to some extent calm. 

 

"You brought a guest. Hello, Lexa, it's nice to see you again." Abby smiled at the two young women who just entered the room. 

 

Clarke cleared her throat. Now, she had to do it. Now was the right time and the right place, so far that there is such a thing. Her mother looked calm and was not distressed of her work, she wasn't too tired and seemingly in good mood. 

 

_She most likely already knows, so just get it over with._

 

Clarke had had enough discussions with her mother about gay rights and equality, so she knew that Abby had nothing against it. Her mother had always said that love could never be wrong. No matter if you are in love with a man or a woman, as long as you are happy, it is the right thing. So Clarke didn't have to be afraid of being cast out because of her feelings for another woman. 

 

"I have to tell you something." Clarke said, her voice a little shaky, but otherwise she felt confident. 

 

Abby sat down her glasses and looked at her daughter with a patient expression. She turned a bit to the left so she could face Clarke fully and then patted on the place next to her on the couch.

 

Clarke took a deep breath and sat down next to her mother. Lexa patiently sat down a couple of inches away from the pair. She hadn't said a word, but Clarke was grateful that she was there. Somehow Lexa always managed always to calm her down, even without words. Lexa knew that Clarke had to address this on her own, and so she just kept silent. 

 

"Okay, um, I am sure that you already know this or at least thought that it was possible, but I have to say it to you in person." Clarke struggled on how to continue. Normally she wasn't somebody to beat around the bush, but she was afraid of just bursting it out. It probably would have been much easier if she would just rip the band aid off, but somehow that didn't sit right with her. What she was about to say wasn't just some unimportant information about her, no, it was a part, a very big one, of her life and her person. So just blurting it out and running off wasn't an option.

 

Abby smiled reassuringly at Clarke. The blonde felt her mother's hands on her own and she tried to compose her self. 

 

"I knew this for a very long time, but you know, well, we were not really close and I kind of didn't want to tell you, but here we are. You are trying and so I will. I thought about telling it for a while now, but today, something happened and that gave me last push." Once again she paused for a short moment, but then she dropped the bomb. "I am bisexual." 

 

Abby's smile didn't even falter for a second, no, instead she gave Clarke's hand a reassuring squeeze. "I am glad you told me. But from the sound of it, you have something else to tell me?"Her gaze wandered for a short moment to the other young woman that sat on the couch some inches away from her daughter and back to Clarke.

 

"Yes. Well, since you already met her I can spare you both the introduction, but yeah. Mom, Lexa is my girlfriend." Clarke placed her free hand on Lexa's and entwined their fingers. She felt Lexa giving her a slight squeeze and looked lovingly at her.

 

Relief flooded her body and she donned the most honest smile she could. She made it. She finally told her mother what she was feeling and who held her heart in her hands. She had heard so many coming out stories that went terribly wrong, in comparison to that, this was the paradise version of it. She was happy and really relieved that her mother took it so lightly.

 

"I am happy you finally found someone. After everything with Finn, I thought you might have given up on dating." Abby smiled at the young couple.

 

"Thanks. She really makes me happy." Once again, Clarke looked at Lexa and found the brunette gazing at her with hearteyes. She smiled back and gave the brunettes hand a small squeeze.

 

"I see that." Abby smiled. "But may I have a word with you, Lexa?" 

 

Clarke rolled her eyes. She knew what was coming towards Lexa now. "Mom, that's not necessary, really." She groaned.

 

"Yes it is. I am your mother, I have to make sure you are in good hands." Abby offered a small smile and then motioned for Lexa to come with her to the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

 

"So, Lexa. I know this should be my husbands job, but he is not here right now and so I'll do it." A sincere expression was visible on Abby's face and Lexa couldn't do anything other than swallow and nod. Normally she had nothing to be afraid of, since all she wanted was to treat Clarke the best way she could, but this side of Abby somehow was really scary. 

 

"Clarke has been treated poorly in her life. She has been disappointed by her friends, classmates and also by us and she has had a really hard time. Her ex has treated her like trash and now he made her life a living hell. I will not accept that you do any of that to her. If you disappoint her or treat her poorly I will not hesitate to make your life a living hell too and I won't care about who your parents are. I don't care if they are the world's best lawyers or not. Everything that is important to me is that my little girl finally can be happy." The older woman paused for a few seconds and fixed Lexa with a hard look. 

 

She was so right. Clarke is someone that has lived through so much and now the least she deserved is the world. Lexa will do everything in her power to make her angel happy. And if she would ever disappoint Clarke, she will gladly accept any punishment. Then she wouldn't deserve anything different than that.

 

"I know that and I will treat her with all the love she deserves and when I'll be the cause of her unhappiness at some point in the future, I will accept your punishment. Then I won't deserve anything different than that. But also, when Clarke decides at one point that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, I'll let her go, but I will always be by her side and there for her." Lexa spoke out loud the thought she had had earlier.She meant every word, no, every syllable of her statement. 

 

The possibility was always there that their relationship could come to an end, because one of them fell out of love. It could be Lexa herself, even if she couldn't even imagine that the tiniest bit, or Clarke. And if the blonde would stop loving her, then Lexa would let her go. It would hurt her to see Clarke go, but she would survive it. And if Clarke would decide that they were better off as friends, Lexa would try to bury her feelings, since she knew that she could not get over them. 

 

"I know. You didn't know her, but you put a lot of energy into making her situation better. You convinced your parents to support us suing her tormentors and honestly? I can't ask for a better person to love her. From I was able to witness, you are a genuine and truly a good person. And if Clarke is happy, so am I. But once again, if you hurt her, I'll not hesitate to hurt you, too."

 

Lexa nodded. It was a good thing to see Abby care so deeply about the well-being of her daughter. For Lexa it was a sign of a healing relationship between mother and daughter. 

 

"I am glad you are agreeing with me then." The older woman relaxed visibly, the hard expression on her face was now completely gone and a soft smile was playing with her lips. 

 

The older woman turned around and handed Lexa a bowl with dessert. The younger one of them both looked at her with big question-marks in her eyes. 

 

"I made that earlier today. I am not a great cook to be honest, but that is a recipe I learned while we lived in Europe for a while and I really loved it. I am not sure it's enough, though, because I only planned on Clarke and me, but I guess we will share fairly." Abby winked at her and started walking back towards the living-room with little bowls and spoons. 

 

"Did she treat you well?" Clarke asked Lexa and then sent a small, mocked glare towards her mother.

 

"Yes. It was a lovely conversation." Lexa replied with a small wink. She sat down the bowl with the dessert on the table in front of the couch. Then she sat down herself and quickly kissed Clarke's temple.

 

She was so happy for Clarke that it went so smoothly tonight. She could see relief on her girlfriend's face which made her mood even better and the way how her eyes lit up when she saw what was in the bowl, the way her blue eyes seemed to shine brighter than anything in the room, just because of some dessert, it was worth more than any money that was there in the world for Lexa. 

 

"You made Schweinecreme!" Clarke squealed happily and dug into to get herself a good portion. Lexa had knitted her eyebrows at the unknown word. It must be the name of the dessert, but she never had heard the word. Maybe it was Dutch? Or German? Abby had told her that they lived for some time in Europe, so either was possible. But she could be terribly wrong, too. 

 

"It's German. My mother learned that recipe from some friends of our family that live there." Clarke said happily while shoveling spoon after spoon into her mouth. "Literally it means something like pig's cream." 

 

Again Lexa furrowed her brows in confusion. Why would anybody name some cream after a pig? That was just ridiculous.

 

"It's from a saying. They say, if something is like really tasty, that it is Schweine lecker. I know that sounds pretty insane, but that is were the name of this," She pointed at the bowl, "Is coming from. It's because it's Schweine lecker. Piggy tasty, if you want." Clarke let out a small laugh.

 

Lexa shook her head and finally dug in, too. 

 

Turns out, it was for real really tasty.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke didn't know what was the right reaction to finally being out. Honestly, she had no idea how she was supposed to behave now. Should she storm into her room or should she talk about how happy she was? 

 

She guessed that there was no such thing as a prescribed reaction, so she just went with it. 

 

Well, she had known that she was bisexual for a very long time, so yeah, it was kind of a big deal, but it wasn't one too. Sure, she was really happy that she was out now and her mood only increased when she saw what her mother had made for them to eat.

 

They had eaten, joked around a bit and they had talked about their time in Europe for a bit.

 

But an hour or so later, she and Lexa retired to her room. She lend her girlfriend some Pyjamas and went for a short shower.

 

When she came back, she found Lexa already lying in her bed, the brunette's head resting on her arms while she was lying on her back.

 

Clarke smiled and crossed the distance between the door and her bed.

 

"Hey, beautiful." Lexa mumbled sleepily as she opened her arms for Clarke to slip in. The blonde placed her head on Lexa's shoulder and sighed contently. She felt so warm and protected right now, add all the stress from earlier, her eyes became heavy. 

 

"You did, great today, my angel. I love you." Lexa murmured and Clarke felt soft lips on top of her head and snuggled closer to the brunette.

 

"I love you, too." 


	30. Injustice

The next morning, Clarke woke up early, she groaned and rubbed her sleepy eyes. 

 

It took her a few moments to realize that she was not alone in her bed. Her head rested on Lexa's shoulder and the older girl had an arm draped around her waist.

 

"Good morning, my angel." Lexa mumbled, her voice raspy from the lack of use during the night. 

 

"Morning." Clarke sighed contently. She felt so warm and protected and all she wanted to do was stay in her bed with Lexa all day. She didn't want to go to school, not, if she could have this, so she just snuggled closer to Lexa and closed her eyes again. Maybe she could just pretend to be sick, so she won't have to get up.

 

"You have to get up eventually, you know? I may not have classes today, but you still have to go to school." Clarke felt soft fingers brush through her hair and smiled sleepily. 

 

"That feels nice. I love waking up next to you." She mumbled, completely ignoring what Lexa had said earlier. She didn't even want to think about having to go to school.

 

"I do too. That is way better than waking up alone in a far too big apartment." Lexa sighed. "But that doesn't change the fact that you have to get up." 

 

How could somebody be this motivated in the morning? Go for jogs at the crack of dawn, prepare a healthy salad, if you could have it so much easier by just snacking a granola bar or a toast. All Clarke wanted to do was sleep in, do nothing and drink her coffee once she made it out of her bed.

 

"I don't want to." She mumbled, already on her way back to sleep again. She heard Lexa let out a small, breathy laugh.

 

"You are so adorable." The brunette mumbled. 

 

A soft knock on the door made Clarke open her eyes again. Who dared to disturb her now? She nearly managed to convince Lexa of staying in bed and skipping school today and now her mother would come in here and drag her out of her bed? 

 

"Hey, I just wanted to say that you that school got cancelled today. There was a burglary and today the police is searching for evidence." Abby's voice was quiet and Clarke honestly had to ask herself if she was dreaming this right now or not. Honestly this was too good to be true. School never gets cancelled. Not even during winter when the heaters are not working and it feels like it's freezing inside the building or in summer when it gets unbearably hot due to the giant windows that of course can mostly not be opened. 

 

Other schools would then allow their students to stay at home, but not her school, no. They would normally never allow their students to stay at home.

 

"Not funny mom." Clarke grumbled. Her mother had to think that this was a really good joke, but on the other hand, it was Abby. Abby never made any jokes.

 

"I am serious. Here, read." Abby tossed her cellphone towards Clarke who barely caught it. Again, Lexa let out a small laugh.

 

"Not everybody is a world class football star and can catch things with just her pinkie." Clarke grumbled at her girlfriend and pinched her in her side which made the older girl squirm slightly. 

 

She read the mail that had been sent to the parents of the students by the school's secretary, Ms. Fields. It said that school got cancelled for today and gave some details about what had happened. 

 

The burglars had stolen a lot of expensive school belongings, like TV's, computers and so on. Now the police was investigating and it would only make their job harder if the students were there now and possibly destroying the little evidence that may be there. 

 

She gave the phone back and after her mother had let the room, she raised her fist in victory. "Yes! I guess we can stay here until you have training." Clarke cheered. This was just perfect. She couldn't imagine a better start for this day. Waking up next to Lexa and school getting cancelled? This was just perfect.

 

"I guess we have to send these criminals a thank you card, then. Lexa chuckled and tightened her grip around Clarke.

 

It didn't take long for Clarke to drift back into sleep. The comfort Lexa offered made her fall asleep impossibly fast.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When they woke up later at around ten, they made their way downstairs to make some breakfast.

 

"I'll make pancakes, okay?" Lexa said and kissed Clarke gently on her temple. 

 

Clarke nodded and hummed, waking up next to Lexa and now having her cook her breakfast is amazing and she could definitely get used to that. Sadly, she will have to wait for more than half a year before graduating high school and finally being able to go to college. 

 

It was pure luck that their local college has an excellent pre-med program, which is funded by Mount Weather of course, since they have their own med-school and need good students. She would apply here and hopefully get accepted. For safety, she would also apply to some other colleges which are not that far from here and also have a pre-med program, but her plan was to get into the local college. The one Lexa already attended.

 

She loved the idea of seeing Lexa more often then. There was the possibility, if everything will proceed as smooth as it does now, that she will move in with her girlfriend. They already had talked about it briefly, but that was more of a joke than something serious. Right now, she could picture it perfectly.

 

Then every morning would be like today, well, they would have to get up earlier to go to class, but she would get to wake up next to Lexa and they would prepare their breakfast together. She would kiss Lexa goodbye before they had to part their ways in order to head to class, maybe she would even walk Lexa to class sometimes if she had the time.

 

She wouldn't have to deal with her mother anymore, at least not on daily basis. Yes, Abby was trying, but she can't really bring herself to forgive her mother for not being an active part of her life while she needed her the most. Their relationship was, in Clarke's eyes, dammed. There was not much in this world that could heal the wounds her mothers absence completely. Maybe at some point in the future, she would be able to look past it, but for now that seemed to be far away.

 

Thinking about her mother reminded her of yesterday. She hadn't asked Lexa yet, what her mother had said when she wanted to talk with Lexa in private. 

 

"Everything okay? You seemed to have zoned out a bit." Lexa was smirking at her and pointing her spatula at her.

 

"Yeah, I was just thinking." Clarke shrugged, having momentarily forgotten to ask Lexa about what she was thinking earlier.

 

"And what were you thinking about, if you don't mind sharing with me, of course." Lexa turned her attention again towards her pancake that was currently in her pan and needed to be flipped around. With an practiced flick of her wrist, the pancake went flying through the air and landed back in the pan.

 

"What did my mother tell you when she was alone with you? Yesterday, I mean." Clarke knew, that her mother had been giving Lexa a speech, but she needed to know what that consisted of.

 

"Well," Lexa put the spatula away and and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "She said that you had to go through so much and that she would not allow that you get hurt again. She said that if I would hurt you, she won't hesitate to hurt me." 

 

Clarke couldn't believe what she just heard. 

 

"She, she, from all the people out there in the world, dares to threaten you?" Clarke was seething and she clenched her fists.

 

"If I hurt you, I deserve what she will be doing to me." Lexa said while gently wrapping her hands around the balled fists of Clarke.

 

Clarke had just one thing in mind right now. She needed to storm into her mothers home-office and tell her what she deserved to hear. She couldn't believe that the person, who was supposed to be her support-system throughout her entire life, but failed at that job miserably, threatened the person who finally put effort into making a difference in Clarke's life. Lexa would never hurt her, she knew that. But her mother? Her mother had been the disappointment in person. She lost the right to say such things when she started basically living in the hospital and kept forgetting that she had a family.

 

"Excuse me." Clarke mumbled, while storming out of the kitchen.

 

She basically kicked the door open and was greeted by a very surprised looking Abby Griffin, who sat in front of her computer.

 

"How dare you?" She asked, her voice loud and with so much power that she had no doubt that Lexa would hear it all the way in the kitchen.

 

"What are you," Abby's brows were furrowed and Clarke knew that she was about to ask what Clarke was talking about."How dare you to threaten Lexa? You will hurt her, if she hurts me? That is ridiculous, mother." The last word held so much venom in it that Clarke already could see tears gathering in Abby's eyes. 

 

_Good, she needs to really understand it._

 

"She was there for me when you weren't. She put so much effort into making my life a better one, when you barely had more than two minutes per day to talk to me, if at all. She is the support-system, you are supposed to be to me. She didn't know me, but changed my life nonetheless for the better. You knew me my entire life, but failed to recognize that something was wrong. She listened when you were once again not there. " She was so angry, that her entire body was already shaking.

 

"I just...I wanted to know if you are in good hands." Abby's voice was weak and right now, a single tear was making its way down her cheek.

 

"With her I am in better hands than I ever was. At least she is there for me, not like you. My life went to hell and back and all you did was work. And on the few days I got to see you, you barely said a word to me!" Clarke was shouting, but she needed her mother to understand it, even if it kind of hurt her to make her cry.

 

"You never told me." The weak excuse of an argument was cutting through the air.

 

"And guess why I didn't! I didn't and I still don't trust you! That is not something to share with a person whose relationship with me just exists on my birth certificate! A mother who truly cares for her child, who loves her child, should have noticed that something was wrong." Clarke paused, but wasn't finished yet. "Oh, I am sorry, you couldn't have noticed, since you were never at home!" With that Clarke turned on her heels and slammed the door shut behind her.

 

She stormed into the kitchen, where Lexa was waiting on her.

 

She let herself fall apart in her girlfriends arms. Tears were now streaming down her face and she was trembling.

 

They stood there for a while until Clarke's sobs became less frequent. "Let's get out of here." Lexa murmured while drawing soothing patterns on Clarke's back with her fingers.

 

 


	31. Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys!
> 
> I just want to apologize for the rather short chapter, but school has picked up again and it really takes a lot of time. So yeah, I had not enough time to write a longer one.
> 
> Still, enjoy this chapter.

 

Clarke nodded and as soon as Lexa got her approval, the brunette carefully led Clarke out of the house and towards her car.

 

She had not heard the entire argument that Clarke had had with her mother, but the bits and pieces she was able to understand made her worry about her girlfriend who was sobbing mess that was now seated in the passenger's seat of her car. The blonde was shaking and tears were still streaming down her cheeks.

 

It hurt Lexa so badly to see Clarke in this condition. If she was being honest, this was a state she wished never to see Clarke in again. Lexa was sure she was able to feel the pain of Clarke in her own chest, which had tightened as soon as she saw Clarke break down right in her arms.

 

She got into her car and started the engine. She wanted to give Clarke as much distance as possible, because somehow she felt that this was what the blonde, sobbing blonde needed right now. She couldn't explain why she knew it, she just did.

 

She didn't say a word until she reached her destination. She had driven them to the first place that came into her mind when she thought about being far way.

 

She drove them to her parents' lodge a few miles out of town in the heart of the woods that surrounded the small city. Here she spent most of the days when she felt that everything just became too much after Costia's death. Here was a place that was quiet enough to think but not too far away from the town and it's busy streets. It was her place to get away from everything, her parents, her school, from herself. And right now it felt like Clarke needed it too.

 

She stopped the car and walked around it, opened the door for Clarke and undid her girlfriend's seat belt, since Clarke made absolutely no move to do so.

 

She understood Clarke's behavior. Sometimes there were times you can't even motivate yourself to do such trivial things. She knew that feeling herself too well. After Costia's death, Indra had to push her out of her bed and basically shove the food down her throat, simply because Lexa didn't have the energy to do all that herself.

 

One day had been particular bad. It was six says after the funeral and the day reality finally hit her really hard into her gut. Before, she never had really realized that she would never see Costia again, but that day, it hit her. She didn't say a word and wanted to do nothing. Indra had dragged her out of the bed and into the shower. With all her clothes still on, her aunt had turned on the shower, it had been cold as ice. But Lexa still hadn't said a word or wanted to do anything, so Indra had given her new clothes and dragged her out into the backyard. There, her aunt had given her a football, or at least wanted to, but Lexa had just stared at it with a blank expression.

 

Back then she didn't know what to do with it. It felt like she had forgotten how to play.

 

_"Don't look like that. You know what to do with it." Indra spat. Her aunt was angry, but Lexa couldn't bring herself to care. "She would want you to take that damn ball and throw it as hard as you can against that wall there."_

 

_Lexa let out a hollow laugh. Costia would just stand there and demand from her to set all her feelings free. She always had wanted Lexa to let her stoic mask down and to learn how to show her feelings._

 

_At the thought of that, Lexa took the ball. It had been her first step into the right direction, even if it left her sobbing and crying only moments after she had thrown the ball. The memories of Costia had been too much in that moment._

 

"Come on." She offered Clarke a hand and led her into the house.

 

They sat down on the couch in the generous spaced living room and Clarke snuggled up to her. Lexa could feel the lingering wetness of Clarke's cheeks in the crook of her neck. She draped an arm around Clarke's shoulders and pulled her girlfriend closer to herself. Lexa wanted to make Clarke feel as comfortable as possible and she wanted to keep her close to her. 

 

"I think I fucked it up completely today." Clarke mumbled after a few moments. 

 

Lexa hummed. Honestly, she didn't know what to say. She would not allow herself to lie to Clarke and since she didn't exactly know what Clarke had said to her mother, so she couldn't say that Clarke didn't screw things up once and for all. The possibility was there.

 

From what she was able to witness, Lexa knew that the situation was really really bad. 

 

Lexa couldn't say what the consequences would be, since she had absolutely no idea how Abby will react to what Clarke had said to her.

 

"I told her, I told her that she lost the right to give you a speech like she did yesterday when she abandoned me when I needed her the most. I said that she failed at being the support system I needed back then and that you are just that to me right now." Clarke was sobbing again, but her voice was steadier than before and didn't sound as broken anymore.

 

This was bad, like really bad. If you say something like that to your own mother, it will hurt her deeply if she didn't know that this was the way you are feeling about her and her care for you as her child. 

 

Normally, Lexa was an excellent judge of character, but she wasn't able to read Abby. In her opinion, Abby was a twisted character with not understandable actions, such as not being there for her own child and rather go working every day and night. She couldn't say that she hated Abby, no, but she hated the actions of that woman. She didn't understand why someone would do something like this and that was what made her angry.

 

She waited another few minutes, but then carefully voiced her other train of thoughts that had been running through her mind.

 

"I can not tell you what the fallout of this will be, but maybe this will finally make her see reason. Maybe she will finally understand what she did to you while you had such a hard time. That she will acknowledge her mistakes." She spoke carefully, since she didn't want to hurt Clarke's personal space. After all, Abby was Clarke's mother and Lexa was sure that the blonde still loved her, at least to some extend.

 

"But what if she never wants to see me again?" Clarke asked, fear shining in her blue eyes. Lexa wanted nothing more than tell her that this wouldn't be the case, but she couldn't say for sure. She couldn't promise something she didn't know.

 

"We will figure things out, okay? We always do." She reassured her girlfriend. This was the only thing she could offer. Her support. No matter how things will go from now on.

 

Maybe Abby even hates her now, since Clarke had told her that Lexa was the support-system Abby was supposed to be, but Lexa couldn't care less. She knew that Clarke loved her and that she will always be a part of her life, that was what she needed. She didn't need the approval of Abby.

 

Clarke snuggled back into the crook of Lexa's neck. She was not sobbing anymore, but there was still a lot of raw emotions left inside of Clarke, Lexa could feel it.

 

"Can I stay with you? Just for a while, until things...cooled down?" Clarke asked, now her voice was full of uncertainty. 

 

Lexa knew that Clarke was asking for more than she was actually comfortable with. That girl never asks for help, not even then if she needs it the most. No. She was too stubborn for that, so Lexa knew that this question had taken a lot of courage to ask it.

 

"Of course. When you are ready, I will drop you off at my apartment and then I will go and grab your things. I will ask Ontari to come over and keep you company while I am gone." Lexa cooed. 

 

"I think she hates me." Clarke murmured.

 

"No she doesn't. Your first encounter was...well it was really bad, but I talked with her a lot lately. She actually has a girlfriend now and stopped stalking me. She even apologized for it and now we are, well I don't know if friends is the right word for it, but acquaintances, I guess. She will not ask anything or so, I just don't want you to be alone, okay?" Lexa said.

 

Leaving Clarke on her own now would be the most stupid thing she could think of. The girl just had a serious fight with her mother and now, Lexa was the only person she could talk to.

 

The thing with Ontari may seem weird at first, since they really had a rough start, but that is now in the past. She actually had hung out with her neighbor once or twice after she had invited her over for dinner to make up for the meant things she and Clarke had said.

 

Before, she was just stressed out by Ontari's behavior, but since she had a girlfriend, it stopped and they started to get along well. 

 

"Okay..." Clarke mumbled. Lexa could hear that the blonde didn't know what to think about Lexa's plan, but didn't want to object.

 

Lexa kissed her girlfriends temple and sighed.

 

The day had started so incredibly great. She had loved the adorableness of Clarke in the morning when she refused to get up and even more so she loved the ray of glle she was able to witness when Abby had told them that school got cancelled. She loved cooking breakfast with Clarke and hearing her sing along to the kitchen radio.

 

But then, everything went south.

 

She hated seeing Clarke this way. With tears in her eyes and not blue, but rather grey eyes that were not shining but were expressionless.

 

She wanted to see her smile again.


	32. out of all reasons

 

__

* * *

 

 

 

Lexa had been there the whole time. She had held her and preserved her from falling apart completely. Clarke couldn't describe how grateful she was for the silent comfort Lexa offered her. The brunette hasn't said much, but that was exactly what Clarke had needed while being a sobbing mess. She would have probably stormed out of the lodge if Lexa had tried to tell her what was the right thing to do now. That was a reaction she tended to have whenever there was somebody who was trying to patronize her. She was her own person and she was an adult.

 

It took Clarke another three hours to calm down. She had cried a lot, but at some point of time, she had just felt too exhausted to let any more tears fall, or maybe she just didn't have any left. It didn't matter. She just wasn't able to cry anymore.

 

so she wanted to be treated that way.

 

But the few things Lexa had said, got her thinking.

 

She was really sure that her mother didn't want to have anything to do with her right now and she had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do now. There was no way she would go home today and face her mother again. She had said such cruel things that she almost felt sorry for Abby, except, she didn't. Finally, she had had the courage to speak up to her mother and tell her what she was thinking about her. She finally could voice the thoughts she was having about the woman that was supposed to be there for her, to support her. It may have broken their relationship entirely now, but Clarke just couldn't let her mother get away with giving a speech like that to Lexa, when it was Lexa who had been there for Clarke and put so much effort into making her life a better one. 

 

She had been truly happy when Abby told her that she would now work less and that she would be there for Clarke from now on, but the last years had proven Clarke not to be too sure about things her mother said. Abby had also told her that when her father would be in Africa, she would be at home more often to cover the tasks in the household, but she wasn't. Of course not. In Clarke's opinion, Abby had worked a lot more. Taking night-shift after night-shift and barely seeing her daughter at all. 

 

Clarke had been the one to cook the meals for them, she had been the one to do the dishes and the laundry, she had been the one to clean the house and buying the groceries with the money her mother had put onto the dinner-table every once in a while when they needed their fridge to be filled again.

 

For so long, Clarke had kept all of these thoughts to herself. She barely even talked to Lexa about it, even if she knew that she could tell her girlfriend everything and that she wouldn't just shake her head and tell her that this was normal during growing up. No. Lexa would patiently listen to all the shit Clarke would tell her and maybe she would be able to give her some advice, but if not, she would be honest and tell Clarke that she didn't know either what to do.

 

Now, Clarke had said it, no screamed it, out loud. She was supposed to feel relieved, free now, wasn't she? She had finally gotten rid of her thoughts.

 

Except all she felt was that she was barely able to breathe. The thoughts about her mother now shutting her out completely were a giant weight that was pressing down on her chest and making it impossible for her to catch a deep breath of relief. She felt terrible and honestly wished that she could take back all the things she had said, but she couldn't, could she? 

 

_It would be wrong._

 

Yes, it would be so incredibly wrong and a huge mistake, too. Abby had needed to hear all this and she deserved it, too. Clarke couldn't and wouldn't take back anything she had said, at least not for a while.

 

Still, her mother's pained expression had hurt her. In her rage, she hadn't noticed it, but now that she has had time to think about earlier, she noticed that her mother's hurt expression was burned into her brain. Every time she dared to close her eyes, she could see the tears that were gathering in Abby's eyes, the small flinches every time Clarke had finished a sentence.

 

She couldn't face her again. Not for now at least.

 

So she didn't know what else to do other than asking Lexa if she could stay at hers for a while. It had been a huge request and she really feared that she was asking for too much, but Lexa had proven her wrong once again. 

 

Lexa even offered her to pick up her stuff she would need during her stay.

 

That Lexa had told her that she would call Ontari to keep Clarke company while being away, sounded weird to her at first to say the least. When she had first met Ontari, she had behaved so incredibly immature and stupid that she was sure the other woman must hate her. She hadn't even been there to apologize for it entirely, so the fact that she and Lexa seemed to be kind of friends now took her of guard.

 

She wasn't sure if she would be able to forgive something like that. 

 

* * *

 

 

"I'll be back as fast as I can." Lexa said, worry still lacing her tone. 

 

They had made their way back to Lexa's apartment and now Lexa would head to Clarke's home and pick the stuff up. She had texted Ontari before they left the lodge, so all she had to do was tell her that she was leaving now. It hurt her to leave Clarke, but it was the only possible way. Otherwise Clarke wouldn't have enough things to wear or any things she would need for school. 

 

Lexa would never make Clarke get these things on her own. She knew how important distance can be and so she will respect that Clarke couldn't face her mother again for a while.

 

"Drive safely." Clarke mumbled somberly. The whole crying must have drained her.

 

Lexa nodded and softly kissed Clarke's temple.

 

The whole drive she thought about how to face Abby. The older woman will not like the idea of Clarke staying at Lexa's. No mother would, no matter how bad the relationship with their kid is.

 

But maybe she wouldn't even have to face her at all. Clarke had given her the keys for their home so she could enter on her own and didn't even have to knock or something like that. Maybe she could just get into Clarke's room, pack all the things she might need and then head back out.

 

But who was she to assume that it would be that easy?

 

It only took Abby a few moments after Lexa had entered the house to stand in front of her with her arms crossed and a dark glare in her direction. That woman was obviously furious, if that was even a word to describe that death-glare. At least did she now know where Clarke got that from.

 

"I am just here to pick up some stuff for Clarke. She will be staying with me for a while." Lexa said, not letting the nervousness she felt into her tone. She masked the perfectly confident Woods-daughter.

 

"You. You made her do this! And now you are keeping her from me!" Abby shouted while stepping dangerously close to Lexa. 

 

Fear was running through her veins and Lexa had to fight the urge of swallowing down the lump that was forming in her throat. Even if she really had nothing to be afraid of. She didn't tell Clarke to yell at her mother and finally tel her the truth, no, that had been Clarke's decision. She merely had told her about what Abby and she had talked about the evening before.

 

"No. Clarke asked me about what you told me yesterday, I told her and then she decided that she needed to do what she did. I understand that you are angry right now, Mrs. Griffin, but I can assure you that I merely told Clarke what our talk had been about." Lexa fought for her voice to stay steady and her mask as stoic as possible. If she would let her emotion win this battle, it will end more than ugly.

 

Abby had no right to be angry at Clarke nor be angry at her and this made Lexa fuming. How dare she to screw everything up that is possible and still blame somebody else for it?

 

"Clarke is not an angry person. She would never lose it like that!" Abby shouted, anger radiating of her.

 

"She indeed isn't. But, maybe, just maybe, you could ask yourself why Clarke would now lose it." Lexa said, still fighting the anger.

 

Clarke really  wasn't an angry person. If at all she was passive aggressive and not actively. She would never really lose it but rather fight it silently inside of herself. That was most likely the reason why she never told anybody how bad the situation truly was. No. She fought that battle herself and never spoke up for her own rights.

 

"Because of you!" Abby screamed, tears now spilling down her cheeks. This was a sign for Lexa that the woman in front of her just didn't know what to do with her own anger at herself. She was crumbling and could barely keep the facade of being furious upright.

 

"No. She thought that it wasn't right of you to give me a speech like you did yesterday, because in her opinion you lost the right to do so. All the things she said to you were things she was thinking about for a really long time. Even before I met her." 

 

It was true. Clarke was thinking about her mother like this for a really long time, years probably. Not just when Lexa had shown her that her life could be a better one. A better one than just surviving the day and having to act as an adult far too early.

 

"If you could excuse me. I need to pack Clarke's belongings and then I will head back, since I promised her to be back as soon as I can." Lexa now grumbled. She was losing the battle against her emotions and she needed to get out of this situation as soon as possible.

 

She hurried upstairs and gathered all the things Clarke might need. Her school-stuff included, even if Lexa didn't know her schedule by hard. She just packed everything she could find.  She hoped Clarke's teachers wouldn't be so hard on her.

 

As soon as she got everything she needed, or at least she hoped so, she spurted to get out of the house. Right now she honestly didn't need another confrontation with the raging Abby. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa had been right about Ontari. The woman didn't push her to tell her what happend or tried to keep up an conversation at all. She had been quiet mostly after Clarke had apologized for her stupid behavior again and again. She really had felt incredibly bad for the things she had said a few weeks ago. She had behaved like a little child and now Ontari was sitting here with her and was keeping her company while she really couldn't be alone.

 

They had simply watched some series Lexa had on DVD and sat in silence.

 

Then, when she heard the soft clicking of the door, the air became finally easier to breathe again. Lexa was now home carrying two bags and Clarke's school backpack on her back. 

 

But as soon as Clarke saw the expression on Lexa's face, she knew that Lexa had run into her mother. She looked stressed and a deep frown was noticeable on her face. It looked like her mother had made her short stay at Clarke's, well, home was a strong expression right now, since it didn't feel like it, but let's just say home, a living hell and the blonde could already imagine what she had said to Lexa. 

 

Every time, Abby had been pushed out of her comfort-zone, which wasn't really often by the way, but if it happened and she couldn't understand what was going on, she becomes angry. No. Livid. Abby always needed a logical explanation for everything and Clarke could imagine that she couldn't find one for her daughter's outbreak, even if there were enough.

 

"Hey." Lexa said, her voice sounded even more distressed, but Clarke knew that she was trying to hide it.

 

That was Lexa to her. She always wanted to be strong for Clarke, even if she wasn't in the moment. Right now Clarke could see that whatever her mother had said to Lexa had distressed her more than she would admit.

 

"Hey...thank you." She pointed at the bags Lexa now had sat down next to her. 

 

Lexa just nodded and hugged Clarke. Clarke could hear her girlfriend breathing slightly faster than normal, which was a sign that Lexa was fighting against her emotions.

 

"I am sorry for my mother. What did she say?" Clarke asked.

 

"I take that as my cue to leave. I hope it gets better soon." Ontari said while passing them. They both thanked her for sacrificing her time to keep Clarke company and said their Goodbye's. 

 

As soon as Ontari was out of the door, Clarke looked at her girlfriend again.

 

"Am I turning you into a bad person?" Lexa asked. Her voice barely above a whisper and unsteady.

 

 


	33. Trust me

 

 

 

 _Am I turning you into a bad person?_  

 

This whispered question made Clarke's heart scream in agony for Lexa. Her girlfriend should never have to think something like this. No. Lexa had turned her into a better person rather than a bad one.

 

It was her who made Clarke finally see the value of living again. It was Lexa who made it worth it to get up every day and make it through her last year of high-school. It was Lexa who she wanted to spend all of her time with, because she loved her with all of her heart. She loved her and hearing her say something like that made Clarke want to cry, scream and ball her hands into fists, so that her nails will draw blood from her palms.

 

She wasn't angry at Lexa for saying something like that, no, she was angry at her mother who had made Lexa believe this.

 

Lexa was a caring person and would do everything to make her happy, Clarke knew that and apparently her mother knew that, too. Lexa would give up their relationship, no matter how much it would hurt her to do so, as long as she knew that it was the best for Clarke. And Clarke would do the same.

 

"Did...did my mother say that?" Clarke asked, her voice trembling from anger and hurt for Lexa. Her girlfriend almost all the time was capable of separating feelings from her duty, that's at least what she calls it, but Clarke had never been someone who could hide their emotions well. Anywhere other than school that is. There she had learned that keeping them for herself was definitely more healthy in a psychological and physiological way. Now the situation was something that demanded her whole heart and she was willing to set all of her emotions free.

 

"Am I turning you into an angry person?" Lexa asked, completely ignoring Clarke's question. Her voice was still trembling and it seemed like she didn't trust her vocal cords with more than just a simple whisper.

 

"No, Lexa. You made me finally see the bright side of life again when there was nothing else giving me hope. You were by my side, no matter how shitty my day and mood was. With you I am finally able to breathe again and it feels like there is this gigantic weight that was pressing down on my chest, that is lifted by you. With you I am a better person, not an bad or angry person. I could never be." The last words were merely whispered as she stepped closer to Lexa, who looked at her with sad eyes. She didn't close the distance, but she now stood only a few inches away from Lexa and carefully brushed away a tear that had escaped her girlfriend's eye.

 

"Lex, whatever my mom told you, don't believe it, please. Believe me when I say that I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving someone. You pulled me out of that dark hole and made me see a brighter future. My mother becomes an ugly person when she is hurt and then she will act before she thinks." She still tried to reassure the brunette who still looked too lost and too hurt.

 

And if Clarke hated seeing something, then it was this expression on Lexa's face.

 

Now she closed the distance and wrapped Lexa in a bone crushing hug. She hid her face in the crook of the slightly taller girl and breathed in the scent that had become something she now associated with home. Because that was Lexa to her, not her mother, not the house she had lived in or this town, no, Lexa was her home. And she never wanted to see her this uncertain and hurt again.

 

"Never think something like this again, okay? Never ever." Clarke mumbled into the crook of Lexa's neck. She hoped that all this was convincing enough, it had to be.

 

Lexa only hummed in response and for Clarke this was not enough. She needed to be entirely sure of what Lexa was now thinking and she would not accept if there was still any doubt left in her girlfriend.

 

"Please say something." She pleaded, hoping to make the brunette talk about her feelings, since that was definitely not Lexa's forte.

 

"It's just-your mother, she said that...that I was the reason of your outburst. She said that I turned you into an aggressive person and that you would have never said things like that before. Before you met me." 

 

If she was being honest, all Clarke wanted to do was saying even more insulting things to her mother. Not just the truth, no, she would tell Abby exactly what she deserved to hear right now. She couldn't accept that she had made Lexa feel like this.

 

"I swear to god and all that's holy, even if I am not really religious, that you made me a better person. Please, don't tell me you believe Abby more than me." Clarke now had to fight the tears that were threatening to escape her eyes. Right now she had to be strong for Lexa and make her see reason. She needs to make her believe her words.

 

"I do trust you, Clarke." Lexa mumbled. Her voice was barely above a whisper and cracked. She sounded so small in this moment that Clarke couldn't really believe that this was Lexa standing in front of her. Her strong Lexa who always seemed to care for others above herself and who always put her own needs on the same level, if not even below, like everyone else's. Lexa, her rock who always was there for her and offered hold when Clarke felt like the sea of emotions was trying to float he away. Lexa her love.

 

This side of her was new and Clarke had never thought that it was possible for her girlfriend to be so insecure. Lexa always seemed to be a proud young woman who already had accomplished a lot in her few years. That she was now allowing Clarke to see this side of her, was a sign of the ultimative trust between the two of them. 

 

Clarke knew that Lexa would never show this side of her to somebody else. Not even her own parents.

 

"Thank you, Lex." She pushed a strand of brunette hair behind her girlfriend's ear and smiled reassuringly at her before once again enveloping her in a intimate hug. She felt Lexa's strong arms circling her waist and she heard the brunette letting out a ragged breath that sounded like she had been holding it for far too long.

 

* * *

 

 

They stood there for what it felt like an eternity, but that was exactly what Lexa needed right now. 

 

What Abby had said sounded absurd at first when she was still gathering Clarke's belongings, but once on her way back she had been thinking.

 

_Maybe Abby was right. Maybe I am a bad influence on Clarke. Did I make her do this? Did I make her screw up the relationship with her mother once and for all? Is this all my fault? Would Clarke have done this if she had never met me?_

 

The last question had been the must hurtful thing she had ever thought about. She really loved Clarke with all of her heart. She loved the spark in her blue eyes, she loved her laugh and her humor, she loved how strong her girl was, no matter what she already had to go through. Yes. She loved every bit of Clarke. 

 

So thinking that maybe it would be the best for the blonde if she would end things between them, that she would have to let Clarke go, made her want to scream in agony. She would have done it nonetheless, because she only wanted the best for Clarke, but she was sure that she might have never healed from this heartbreak. 

 

If she was in the way of Clarke finding her luck, she would step away.

 

But now, knowing that Clarke didn't think the same things as her mother made her heart beat faster. She was still an emotional mess, but she couldn't help it. The relief that was now washing over her body left her with tears of joy.

 

She wouldn't have to let Clarke go.

 

She was sure that she might have caught Clarke off guard with being so weak, since she had never acted like this before, at least not in front of Clarke. Normally, Lexa didn't allow herself to let her emotions rule her actions but sometimes there were exceptions to that rule. This, and her outbreak at Clarke's school when the boys made fun of her girlfriends were two of these rare occasions and both included Clarke. But, that was what the blonde did to her when she fell into her arms on the first day the met and ultimately into her life. Clarke made her feel the whole spectrum of emotions and makes it impossible for her to control them.

 

Today was still an extreme. Lexa couldn't even really remember when she had cried the last time or allowed herself to be weak in front of somebody else and normally she might have stormed out of the apartment or hid in the bathroom so that nobody could witness this, but Clarke was there, holding her and making her feel save and loved. She made it feel like it wasn't a bad thing to show her emotions and she helped her seeing the truth.

 

Her parents had always scolded her if she showed her emotions in front of others. They were highly respected people and couldn't use a crying little girl by their side when meeting their partners and so called friends. No. Lexa had to portray the perfect child that never cried and got all she would ever need.

 

In a material way, she had literally everything a small kid could ask for. Her parents would always buy her the most exclusive toys and clothes, hell, she only needed to say what she wanted and a servant would have immediately run to the next store or would have ordered it from the internet.

 

It never mattered what it did cost. Her parents would pay for it.

 

But, once she was old enough to understand how that worked, she stopped wanting to have everything. In her opinion it was just unfair that some children had to work early in little jobs in order to be able to pay for their stuff, because their parents just didn't have the money and that Lexa got everything while she had to do nothing. 

 

So she asked for some tasks in the household, ignoring the fact that they had enough employees to fulfill these tasks. She wanted to feel useful and not like the spoiled billionaire's brat. Her task were helping their gardener, doing the dishes and other stuff similar to this. Her parents even told her that they would shorten the budget they had for her as long as her grades didn't improve.

 

After that she finally had some task she could concentrate on, she felt like her life now held some purpose. Her grades really improved until she graduated as the best of the entire year. She really started working hard for the things she wanted to achieve. She even delivered the newspaper for a couple of months.

 

She worked hard, but there was one thing she wanted the most and that she never really got.

 

Her parents' attention. 

 

They were always abroad, working on a case or opening a new office to expand their influence. Sometimes they were in Asia or Europe, but mostly they spent time in Australia since the Woods originated from there. They had a strong business there and so they often had to go back there. 

 

And even the few times they were at home, they were working.

 

All Lexa had wanted back then was a Dad with whom she could play football in the backyard and a mother with whom she could talk about everything, every time she needed. She wanted someone who wanted to spend time with her, to be an active part of her life.  

 

On the outside they had to act as the perfect unit. The perfect wife and mother, the perfect husband and father and the perfect daughter. But on the inside, they all knew that they were not more than a broken, miserable excuse of a family.

 

The happier she was now to call Clarke hers. 

 

Clarke and she are a true unit and she really made Lexa feel as a whole again. She made Lexa feel like all her effort of staying with her feet on the ground had been worth it and it always felt like Clarke made sure that Lexa was still staying earthed.

 

Clarke was making breathing so much easier. She makes her feel safe and with her, Lexa was able to let her guard down. With any other person, she would have hidden her emotions and selfdoubts, just like she had done all her life.

 

But with Clarke, it was different. She was different.

 

"I love you. So much." She mumbled and tightened her hold around her girlfriend, who was sighing contently, obviously happy that Lexa trusted her more than Abby.

 

She didn't need Abby's consent to be with Clarke. As long as the blonde was happy with her, Lexa would be with her as her girlfriend and maybe, if their relationship will be steady for a long time, she really could imagine making Clarke Griffin a Clarke Woods.

 

But that was years from now. They still had to face so much things in the present that Lexa didn't dare to think that far.

 

The fist thing they would have to tackle was the first court hearing in two days. Two days until Clarke had to face the demons that Lexa knew she wanted to forget.

 

 


	34. The trial begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks!
> 
> I just wanted to tell you once again that I am not the best at writing this whole law-stuff, since I am  
> A) no lawyer or something like that  
> B) from another country which has another system  
> and C) had to read through some kind of description about the whole process and teach me it myself.
> 
> I will get a lot of things wrong, but I hope you can see past this.
> 
> Anyway, have a nice day.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

"I can't do this, Lexa!" Clarke was crying to to the nervousness that was rocking through her body and made her tremble.

 

Today was the day of the court hearing and she had to face Finn and Murphy again. Two people she really hoped to never meet again, but it had been her choice to sue them. Normally she shouldn't be this afraid. She had the best lawyers on her side and they had already prepared her well for this, but still she felt her heartbeat in her ears and she felt that she had absolutely no control about the shaking of her body.

 

The only thing that kept her from running and hiding in the bedroom was the strong grip Lexa had on her. The slightly taller woman held her close and now tried for at least the last hour to convince Clarke that she had nothing to fear, but she, too, wasn't as confident as she acted for Clarke.

 

Clarke knew Lexa was only displaying so much confidence, because she wanted Clarke to feel like that before facing her tormentors, but deep down Clarke knew that Lexa was also thinking about every possible outcome of this.

 

They stood in front of the floor to ceiling mirror that decorated Lexa's wardrobe and Lexa was hugging her from behind with her head on the smaller woman's shoulder. 

 

"I should have taken the deal that Finn offered." Clarke mumbled even though she knew that that would have been a terrible thing to do, but right now she would do everything if she just wouldn't have to go to the hearing today. 

 

"You know that would have been much worse than this, right?" Lexa murmured into ears that were covered with blonde hair. "Come on. We made it so far until now and I won't accept a defeat today, okay? You're gonna kick these idiot's asses and I will be there and support you silently."

 

Clarke smiled slightly. It felt so good to not have to do this all on her own. The knowledge that she had Lexa with her in the room was the only calming thought in her mind while she stood there in front of the mirror. 

 

She took a deep breath, once again a try to calm her strained nerves. Still not really successful, but it kind of helped a little bit. Lexa was right, they had come so far. Just look at them. They met at the beginning of this journey because Lexa was honestly caring about a stranger's situation that much that she even talked her parents into taking that case without payment.

 

The connection they had felt was immediately deep enough for Clarke to trust her that much that she broke apart in front of the brunette on the first day they had met. Normally she didn't trust anyone with her emotions, let alone people she didn't know, but with Lexa-with Lexa it had felt so much different. She had felt at home the moment Lexa had engulfed her in an intimate hug.

 

Now, they were at the end of the road that led their paths together. They just had to take the exit and proceed with their lives on a much better road. A road that will lead them into a bright future, preferably together.

 

"You can do it. Today they will mainly talk about the evidence they found and the amount my parents have found against Collins and Murphy is insane. Them working hand in hand with the county attorney is our big fat bonus. It's not even sure if they will get to the interviewing part today. I think it will be when we meet again, three days from now." Lexa said reassuringly, effectively ripping Clarke out of her thoughts. "Even if you have to give your statement today, I know that you will be doing great."

 

She had to trust Lexa. Her girlfriend was the one with the knowledge about these things, but still, she felt this incredible nervousness that was draining her already. She just wanted it to be over.

 

"Come on. It's time." Lexa said, gently taking Clarke's hand in hers and leading them both to her car.

 

* * *

 

 

The whole ride, they hadn't said a word, but Clarke didn't mind. Sure, Lexa's calmness was helpful, but in this moment she just needed the time fer herself to panic in silence. The chance that they would lose this trial was really slim, since for starters she had amazing lawyers. Furthermore there was the fact that even Finn's lawyer seemed to have resigned when he made the offer of the plea-deal that Clarke had denied and the fact that Murphy has to be represented by a lawyer from the court, since his parents had obviously denied him the small amount of money the had to pay a own one. 

 

The Murphy's didn't have a lot of money and now add an alcoholic dad who doesn't work at all and a mother who has to ensure their survival with her low wage as a waitress. Clarke kind of felt sorry for Murphy, but on the other hand, he deserved to end up where he belongs. In jail alongside Finn.

 

They had made her high-school experience a living hell. They had insulted her and hurt her emotionally as well as physically. 

 

Lexa held her hand tightly when they entered the building. In the gigantic hallway were already waiting Mr. and Mrs. Woods who greeted them with a firm handshake.

 

"Good morning Clarke. I hope you had a good night." Mrs. Woods, no Becca, was also shaking the hand of Clarke who only managed a small, stiff nod and a fake smile. They will probably understand that she was simply too nervous to hold an idle conversation about her night's rest. 

 

She hadn't slept, at least not really. Every time she fell asleep, she was having terrible nightmares about today. Such as losing the trial and having to deal with the outcome or dreams about the day when Finn and Murphy had beaten her for the last time. All the time she woke up all sweaty and panting heavily.

 

Lexa had always been there, even if it had cost her own sleep. Every time she had somehow noticed that Clarke had another nightmare, she would gently wake her in order to rip her out of it. Or when Clarke woke up herself, she would hold her tightly while Clarke was sobbing, crying and trembling.

 

"We just spoke about the final details that were announced today. The judge want's your hearing to be today and the other witnesses will follow in three days or the hearing after. We have been talking for a final time about the questions that we are going to ask you then. There will be no additions to those we already talked with you about." Ryder was donning a stoic expression, but with the hint of a confidence that Clarke could only dream of.

 

 

"We will win this, Clarke. The evidence we found already is more than enough and the defendants will have a hard time explaining all that. Then add that we have Anya who will be a witness of us and who will tell the jury exactly how things are at your school." Mrs. Woods smiled confidently and Clarke found herself nodding, despite the fact that she absolutely didn't share her confidence at all. In her opinion there were still too many other possible outcomes.

 

"It's time. We should take our places now." Ryder announced and began walking towards the small room where the trial will be.

 

The whole thing was mostly private with the exception of those who are closest to the defendants and the prosecutor. Normally, Lexa would be sitting here alongside Abby, but Clarke had told her mother over phone that she didn't want her here. Not when she wasn't able to look that woman in the eyes without becoming angry because of the things she had done to Lexa. 

 

She hadn't really spoken with Abby since Lexa came back from getting her stuff and she had to reassure the brunette of her love again and again. No. She had only given her a short call, telling her to stay the hell away from the trial.

 

She put these thoughts aside, now was not the time to think about the woman who was supposed to be her mother.

 

They walked to their designated spots. Clarke sat down next to Becca and Ryder. They waited for the defendants to get into the room and the silence while doing so was dreading. Clarke still hadn't come to terms that she would have to face them again, but now there was no way out anymore.

 

Finn and Murphy lead into the room by two police-officers and were wearing handcuffs. Clarke took a deep breath in and slowly let the air out again. Now it was important for her to show how strong she was and that she wasn't afraid of them, even if she was. They weren't allowed to know that.

 

Their lawyers sat down beside them while the policemen removed their handcuffs.

 

Clarke stared blankly at them, her face void of any emotions that could tell them how scared she really was.

 

The tension became almost unbearable and all Clarke wanted to do was run, run for her life, but she wasn't in school right now. Now she couldn't run away.

 

Finn was smirking into her direction while Murphy looked down onto the table. 

 

"Rise for the judge." The man at the entrance said and he was followed with the doors swinging open and the judge, along with the jury entering the room. Everyone was now standing and waited for the judge to allow them to sit down again.

 

"You may be seated." The judge spoke as soon as he sat down on his own chair in front of the room. Everybody sat down again and Clarke could still feel Finn's smirk burning on her skin.

 

That smirk made her nervousness only worse. She could already feel some kind of weight pressing down on her chest and making it harder for her to breathe. The air in the room suddenly felt like there was not enough and that was also making it almost impossible for her to breathe.

 

She only knew one way out of this. She had to make sure the person that makes breathing for her easier was still in the room and silently supporting her. She had to look at Lexa to calm down her nerves. If that was even possible.

 

Blue immediately found green a few meteres away from her.

 

Like a miracle, the air was once again flooding her lungs. She was still nervous and also was really sure that right now she wouldn't be able to speak in coherent sentences, but seeing those green eyes which shone with adoration dulled these effects slightly.

 

The moment didn't last long enough for her liking, but she had to face the judge again. Otherwise the jury might think that she was lying, because she wouldn't face him directly. Her lawyers had already talked about that with her. She also made sure to look everyone of the jurors into the eyes.

 

She had nothing to hide, the only ones who should be fearing for their future were Finn and Murphy, still here she was, having to fight the trembling of her lower lip. 

 

She glanced at the men and women who would today be judging the case alongside the judge himself.

 

Most of them had a blank expression, but there were two or three of them who looked at her with some kind of pity on their faces. These ones she might have already on her side, that would be a good step into the right direction.

 

"Today we will discuss the prosecution of Ms. Griffin, who accuses Mr. Collins and Mr. Murphy to have assaulted her after insulting her. Prosecution, you may begin with your statement." The judge's voice carried through the small room and made Clarke take a deep breath. It wasn't threatening at all, it was just the fact that she knew that it was about to begin.

 

Ryder rose from his chair and carefully checked his paper one last time.

 

"You honor, my client Ms. Griffin...."

 

 

* * *

* * *

 


	35. Dragging trial

 

The trial dragged on and on. To Clarke it felt like it would never come to an end and slowly she had the feeling that she would become insane if it won't end soon.

 

Two and three days turned into six and six turned into ten days of constantly being in the main focus of the whole room. She hated every second of it.

 

* * *

 

 

But most of all, she hated being questioned. That was by far the thing she feared most of the whole process, since it could screw everything up faster than she could comprehend. She couldn't afford to lose this, and even less could she screw it up herself. It would be and embarrassing case, not only for herself, but rather for Mr. And Mrs. Woods who already supported her without charging her.

 

“ _Just some basic questions in the beginning, okay, Ms. Griffin?” Ryder was standing in front of his chair while Clarke was already seated at the spot in the center. It was the second day of the trial and now they would ask for her statement and also would question her further to make it more authentic. They needed to make it even harder for the defendants to flip the case around._

 

_Clarke knew that this was necessary, but that did nothing to stop her hands from sweating and her body from trembling slightly. She nodded nonetheless._

 

“ _Okay, you are Clarke Abigail Griffin, 18 years old and unmarried. You are visiting the local High-School and are going to graduate next summer. Your parents are Abigail Griffin and Jake Griffin. Is this correct so far?” The question was unessecary in Clarke's opinion, but Ryder had explained it to her as obligatory, so she nodded mutely._

 

“ _Just a short reminder that you are under oath from now and are obliged to speak the truth. Is this clear?” Again, she just nodded. Now would begin the part that she dreaded. “Okay, now that this is all settled, I would like for you to explain to us, what exactly happened the fist day at school after the summer-break.” Becca nodded at her encouragingly._

 

 _She took a deep breath and carefully put the events of that day in order._ As many details as possible _, she could still hear Ryder's calm voice in her head._

 

“ _The day started with me getting up at, about six in the morning.” She heard a small scoff from Finn' direction, but she didn't allow it to take her focus. “I already dreaded going to school, since I knew that this would be a day as every other one. I knew that I would have to face the other's comments, or rather insults and so I honestly contemplated on staying at home.” She paused and swallowed. The memories came crashing back and she could feel again how she had felt on that particular morning. The fear of being bullied again had been slowly ripping her soul into small pieces. “But in the end, I got up and was lucky to speak to my mother for about two minutes in the hallway, since she had worked a night-shift and wanted to go to sleep. Furthermore, I ate my breakfast and then made my way to school. Once I arrived there, I knew for sure that nothing had really changed. Everybody was still looking at me strangely and some would even insult me as a freak or something similar.” She had to swallow again and take a deep breath. Her whole body seemed to ache, almost as if it was refraining from letting the memories come back into her mind. “I met with my friends, Octavia Blake and Raven Reyes. We talked in the hallway and when the bell rang, we separated and made our way to our respective classes. In my case it was English literature with Mrs. Woods. That was when the events really started.” Another pause, this time to face the jury. Her lawyers had told her to look at them at some point, just to seem confident. “It was Mrs. Woods' first day at our school and she started her lesson with saying something along the lines of English literature being a hard subject that requires a lot of effort. Mr. Collins then stated, and this I remember vividly,_ 'Hell, no shit? We have to study for school?'. _For this statement, Mr. Collins got a week of detention and I couldn't help chuckling slightly at the expression on his face, because I thought that this was only fair. He was mean all the time and disrespected the teachers. Then, Mr. Murphy snapped at me. He said that I was a bitch and not in the place to be chuckling at them, from then on, I knew that I would pay for that slip.” She bit her lip and tried to refocus on the events rather than what she was feeling. Her feelings would be questioned later. “Anyway after that, there was a short period of time where nothing happened, but it didn't last long. Finn caught me sketching and made fun of me once again. He called me and idiot, which got him and Murphy a visit at the principal's office. They threatened me while walking out of the classroom and as soon as Mrs. Woods, Mr. Collins and Mr. Murphy were out of the door, my fear won over my rational thinking and I just ran away from school, into the small forest two, maybe three, miles away from the school. I thought that here, they may as well not find me and I would be safe, but obviously I wasn't. They somehow managed to find me and-,” Her voice broke. She hated telling this part of the story. She needed to, she knew that, but she honestly wished to be anywhere else right now. “And, Finn told Murphy to hold me while I would be paying for my mistake. Then he started beating me all over my body while co-,constantly calling me names and insulting me. He...He made me beg for forgiveness, but...he didn't stop, even if I begged him to, until I became unconscious. They left me and when I woke up again, I was covered in dirt, wet from the sweat and had several injuries all over my body.” Her lip was trembling, so she had to bite on it for some seconds. She wouldn't cry, not here, not now. “I drove home and explained to my mother that I fell with my bike and that the fall caused those injuries.” She finished, swallowing. Now would come the questions._

 

“ _Okay, thank you for sharing this with us, Clarke. I am sure it wasn't easy for you.” Again a small scoff from Finn._

 

“ _As if that bitch would ever tell the truth.” Finn mumbled, while crossing his arms over his chest._

 

“ _No insults in my court-room. If I have to hear something like that again, I will have to place a financial penalty and remove you from the room. Understood?” The judge was definitely a kind of no-bullshit guy whom you better not get on the wrong foot._

 

_Clarke could see that his lawyer had turned to mumble something into Finn's ear, obviously to convince him of never saying something like this again while the trial is still going._

 

“ _I would now like to proceed with some questions, is that okay for you, Clarke?” Ryder now walked around the table and stood tall with his broad shoulders and six feet height._

 

_Clarke could only nod. Her mind wasn't allowing her to do anything other than that._

 

“ _Okay. I want to talk about your situation at school. You mentioned something about being called names, being insulted and obviously physically hurt. Would you describe yourself as a target of bullying?”_

 

“ _Yes.” Was her short, clipped answer._

 

“ _When did the bullying start?” Ryder asked further._

 

“ _Right after I broke up with Mr. Collins during sophomore year.” Ryder had told her to keep her answers as short as possible, only answering the question, without any further information._

 

“ _So, you are saying that you and Mr. Collins were in a relationship?”_

 

“ _Yes.”_

 

“ _And why did it end?”_

 

“ _Objection, this question is not relevant.” The defendant said._

 

“ _Is this question relevant, Mr. Woods?” The judge offered, sounding slightly annoyed by the interruption._

 

“ _Yes it will offer an explanation for why this all began.” Ryder donned a stoic, but confident expression._

 

“ _Objection dismissed, you may proceed.”_

 

“ _Okay, Clarke. I will repeat the question. Why did your relationship with Mr. Collins end?”_

 

“ _I caught him with another girl. Turns out there were at least three other girls beside me and so I ended things with him.” That story was kind of ridiculous. All she wanted to do was surprise him, but well, turned out that she got surprised instead._

 

“ _Did he take that well?”_

 

“ _No. The first few week, he would always wait for me in the hallways and beg for forgiveness, he tried to convince me that he would never cheat again on me. I always told him to go away and that I didn't want to give him another chance.”_ _She swallowed._

 

“ _Okay, that would be it for now. Thank you Clarke for sharing this story with us.” Ryder nodded at her._

 

* * *

 

 

She had hated every second of it. Feeling the other's critical gazed directed at her and knowing that the jury would judge her made her feel like running away. Because that was all she had wanted in that moment. But she couldn't. No. Not for her own sake, nor for the Woods or even Lexa's. She didn't want to disappoint them.

 

Being questioned was by far the worst, but hearing Finn's twisted story, made her also feel sick. He wanted to convince the jury that Clarke had ditched him and broke his heart, but he vehemently denied that he and Murphy attacked Clarke that day.

 

It felt as if just his voice made her anger and fear rise. He had spoken so confidently and convinced of his own lie, that it almost sounded smug.

 

Again and again, Clarke had watched the jury's reactions to things that he had told them. There were three women, who definitely looked disgusted by him, a man who also seemed furious and the others had been too hard to read.

 

Murphy's statement had been far less convincing. He just denied that he had held Clarke while Finn punched her, while he admitted having bullied Clarke in school more often than not. It really seemed like he had already accepted losing this trial, while Finn still seemed confident about winning it.

 

But then, they called Anya up as a witness, and that only ensured Clarke's victory. The young woman had been questioned by Becca about the situation at school.

 

* * *

 

 

“ _Hello, Anya. I will now ask you a few questions. Just a reminder, you are under oath and have to speak the truth, do you understand?” Becca didn't flash her normal smile, but rather looked stoic._

 

_Anya nodded. “Yes, I understand.” Anya's voice was strong and didn't waver._

 

“ _Good. Just to clarify. You are Anya Isabel Woods, 18 years old, student and unmarried, is this correct?”_

 

“ _Yes.”_

 

“ _Okay, now that this is settled, I want to speak about the situation at school. Does it happen often hat someone is bullied?”_

 

“ _Yes. It happend every day.”_

 

“ _Is Clarke one of the victims?” Becca asked further._

 

“ _Yes, she is the main target at school.”_

 

“ _Have you bullied Clarke at some point at school?”_

 

“ _Yes, but I really regret it.”_

 

“ _Okay. Can you tell us some reasons for these actions?”_

 

“ _I am new at this school and I feared being targeted, too, just because I am new. And everybody seemed to bully Clarke and I thought that this would prevent me from becoming a victim, too.” Anya looked down at the table and seemed slightly defeated._

 

“ _Have you witnessed Finn and Murphy bullying Clarke?” Becca proceeded._

 

“ _Yes. They would always call her names or insult her. The worst I witnessed was Finn pushing Clarke in a locker, while mumbling something along the lines 'You are blocking my path'. Even if the hallway was mostly empty and there was enough space for him to walk around her.”_

 

“ _I can walk where I want!” Finn shouted and stood up, obviously seething because of Anya's honesty._

 

“ _Mr. Collins! Sit down and stay quiet until you opinion is asked for. This was the last warning, one more slip and I will remove you from this room!” The judge's voice carried through the room with a devastating finality._

 

_Clarke wanted to laugh at that idiot who sat across from her. He deserved his mouth to be shut, but Clarke didn't laugh at him. No. She couldn't, because she knew that this could turn out badly. That she was now sitting here was the best prove for that._

 

_Once the silence was once again very prominent in the courtroom, the judge told Becca to proceed her questioning._

 

“ _Do you know some of the reasons for the bullying?”_

 

“ _Yes. The most prominent one is that Clarke is bisexual. Some of the students seem to see this as an abnormality and use this as a reason to make Clarke's life a living hell. But there are also some other reasons, like her often sketching during classes or her not speaking up for herself.”_

 

“ _Do you view these reasons as valid to bully somebody?”_

 

“ _No. There are no valid reasons for doing this to somebody and I really want to apologize to Clarke for being such an asshole the whole time. I am so sorry, Clarke, honestly.” At the end, Anya's voice broke and Clarke found herself believing Lexa's cousin. That didn't mean she would just forgive her, but it was a step into the right direction._

 

* * *

 

 

It didn't take long after that that the judge had called the day a day and that they went home.

 

And now, nine days later, they sat here again to hear the judge's verdict.

 

 

 


	36. Celebration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, friends!
> 
> Just a short note...I originally planned this to be in one chapter, but yeah...turns out that would be too much, so I split it in two. But, I promise that I will start the next chapter exactly at the point I ended this one. As soon as you read it, you may understand.
> 
> Also, this chapter has mature content.

She shouldn't be this nervous, no, she should be confident and probably she should start celebrating already, but she couldn't find this confidence in herself to do so.

 

Everything looked positive for them. They had called up several witnesses who made Finn and Murphy look like the absolute assholes and their lawyers didn't necessarily do the best job at defending them against the accusations. Often they only stated that their clients would refrain from making a statement about a certain issue, which already was a good sign for the jury. They were afraid of spilling the truth. at least Finn was. Murphy had already resigned on the fist day, but went along with the innocent act, even if you could see it on his face that he didn't believe anything of the things his lawyer said.

 

They had already won the trial when had told the judge and the jury how the things went at their high school. From that point on, everything went south for Finn and Murphy.

 

Becca and Ryder did an excellent job and always stayed calm and also calmed Clarke down when everything became too much during the hearings. 

 

And if that didn't help, Lexa was there to hold her during the short breaks that were authorized by the judge. She would hold her tightly while Clarke would clutch onto the hem of Lexa's button-up, sometimes crying. 

 

But now that all was finally over. This was the laste date they would meet here.

 

The final statements had already been given and the jury, including the judge, had left the room to issue a judgement that seems fitting in their opinion.

 

Clarke was fiddling with the necklace with the ring on it, the one that Lexa had given to her. It was always around her neck, only during showers or when she would go to sleep she would even think of taking it off. Somehow feeling the smooth material and the small emerald that was embedded in the metal made her calm down, even if its just a little bit.

 

She only noticed that the judge and the jury had entered the room again when she could feel that Becca, who sat next to her, got up from her chair. As did everyone else in the room.

 

She scrambled to get up too, and let out a ragged breath. 

 

 _This is it. Now it will finally be over and I will never have to face them again. They will never return to my school or_ _are allowed to be near me._

 

She swallowed and readied herself for this part of her life to end. One way or another.

 

The judge took a seat and faced everybody in the room.

 

"The jury and I have discussed the matters of this trial in full length. We tried to see every aspect of the events that have led us here and we all shared the same opinion about them. I declare Mr. John Murphy as guilty of aiding and abetting and Mr. Finn Collins as guilty of aggravated assault for attacking Clarke Griffin on the first day of school this year. Both will be taken into police custody. Court dismissed." He slammed his wooden hammer onto the small pedestal.

 

Clarke let out a sigh of relief. She hadn't noticed that she had been holding her breath for the entire time, but now she became aware of the burning pain she felt in her lungs.

 

Her eyes immediately searched for Lexa in the small room and found her girlfriend's green orbs shining back happily at her. Lexa's smile was more honest than everything she had seen before and she couldn't help but smile back.

 

She couldn't believe that she had actually won this. Or rather, she couldn't believe that this was finally over.

 

All she could think of was rush towards the area were the viewers were seated and kiss her girlfriend, right in front of everyone. It didn't matter, because as soon as she was in Lexa's strong arms and felt the older girl's lips on her own, she forgot that they weren't alone in the room. 

 

At least until she heard the voice she never wanted to hear again.

 

"If I had known how disgusting you would be...I would have killed you!" Finn shouted across the room, his voice sounding too serious for Clarke's liking. The threat wasn't as empty as it was supposed to be.

 

But, she was in a far too great mood to let this make her feel bad. No. She was happy. She had won and she was in the arms of the person she loved the most in this world. "Well, Finn. She makes me happier than you ever have and I am glad to be, as you call it, disgusting!" She shouted back, which earned her a snort of laughter from her girlfriend, a small chuckle from Becca and a amused look on Ryder's face, but most importantly a death glare from Finn.

 

Just as the now arrested boy wanted to speak up again, a policewoman stopped him. "Enough. One more homophobic quip and your time in the prison will be really unpleasant." She spoke sternly, leaving no room for any arguments.

 

"I have heard that the other inmates don't like men who beat women or girls. He should be careful in there if he doesn't want to be a regular in their hospital." Lexa mumbled while Clarke still watched the scene of Finn being dragged out of the room by a woman with an amused expression.

 

"He deserves being in prison, but I don't want him to be beaten up. Not a nice experience, let me tell you." Clarke meant it. As much as she wished for Finn to get what he deserves, she didn't want him to be beaten up just like her. No. Nobody should have to live through that.

 

"How can you be this amazing?" Lexa suddenly asked, leaving Clarke with a confused expression on her face.

 

"What do you mean?" Clarke forgot that they were still standing in the curt-room with probably a lot of people watching them. It didn't matter to her right now. She was finally free of her biggest burden for the past months and she wanted to embrace this freedom.

 

"You are so forgiving and selfless. He literally beat you up and now you are standing here and are saying that, no matter what someone did, they don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully. I admire you for this." Lexa had a honest spark in her green eyes and it made Clarke's chest tighten with affection. 

 

She herself was rather self conscious, but who would expect anything other than that? She has been treated with so much hatred and disrespect that there was no way she would not suffer any consequences from it. Consequences like being insecure and having trust-issues. Trust issues that nearly made it impossible for her to find love again, but Lexa had been there and showed her that trusting someone could really pay off in the end. 

 

Like it had with Lexa. Clarke had allowed herself to trust her and look how far it got her. Here she cuddled into the neck of her absolutely caring and thoughtful girlfriend who always had an eye on her. Yes. Clarke was happy.

 

And now, knowing that Finn and Murphy will get their punishment, she was even happier.

 

"Charmer." She got out, laughing slightly.

 

"Yeah well, it's the truth. I love you." 

 

Clarke couldn't help kissing her girlfriend right now. Hard. She poured all of her emotions into it and it was really hard to stifle a whimper when she felt Lexa's hands wandering towards her hips, squeezing them.

 

"We need to get home." Lexa breathed out in between the kisses.

 

They still were in a very public space and honestly, Clarke didn't want to stay right here and face another trial because of their PDA. That won't happen, but still...

 

"Lets go." She mumbled after one last, sweeter kiss. They would continue this when they were home.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive toward her apartment had never felt this long. The whole ride, Lexa could see Clarke's hungry gaze in the corner of her eye. Her girlfriend shamelessly checked her out the whole time, and Lexa could feel that it started doing things to her.

 

They have been together for some time now, but Lexa never wanted to push Clarke. No. She pledged to herself that she would wait for Clarke to make the first move. Now she cursed herself for that rule. Seriously. She wasn't sure if making out would be enough for her right now.

 

Her heart was pumping wildly in her chest when she quickly gazed towards her girlfriend.

 

Her eyes are so dark right now, Lexa wasn't sure if she could take it any longer than the two minutes she still has to drive.

 

When she finally parked her car in her lot, she scrambled to open Clarke's door for her. No matter what the situation right now was, she still had to be a gentlewoman for her girlfriend. 

 

They made their way upstairs with an air surrounding them that was almost too heavy to breathe. The tension was probably visible to everybody who would see them, but she didn't mind. Her whole brain had only one thing to focus on right now and that was her beautiful girlfriend.

 

She hurried to open the door for them and let Clarke inside. The blonde didn't come far, though, because as soon as Lexa was with both feet in her own apartment, she had effectively closed the door and Clarke pinned up against it. Their lips were meeting in a desperate kiss and Lexa couldn't help reaching around and cup the blonde's ass.

 

She licked over Clarke's bottom lip, silently asking for entrance, which was gladly offered by the blonde. Their tongues were meeting now and Lexa couldn't help moaning at the small whimper that escaped Clarke's mouth. 

 

Lexa could feel her girlfriend's hand roaming all over her back, stopping at the hem of the jacket Lexa was still wearing.

 

The older girl gladly shrugged it off, feeling to warm nonetheless.

 

Slowly she pulled away and started guiding them towards their shared bedroom. At least for the while Clarke was still fighting with her mother.

 

Once standing in front of the bed, she pulled away slightly to look at Clarke. She had to be sure that this was what the blonde wanted, if not, they would have to stop now, because Lexa wasn't sure if she would be able to control herself if they go any further.

 

"Are you sure?" Lexa asked her, waiting for a honest answer. Clarke should never feel obligated to do this, never.

 

The blonde just nodded. "Yes, Lex. I want this. I want us, more than anything else." Clarke smiled and for a short moment it looked like there were tears welling up in her eyes. 

 

She was so beautiful. Not just on the outside, no, she was such a pure and lovable woman and Lexa couldn't help but falling harder for her, if that was even possible.

 

She couldn't find the words so she just decided to pull Clarke close again and pour all the feelings into that kiss. Their tongues were dancing around each other again and Lexa let out a moan when she felt Clarke biting on her lower lip playfully. She tugged at the blouse that Clarke was wearing, obviously being disturbed by the piece of cloth that separated her from her girlfriend. Slowly, she unbuttoned it while kissing the blonde's neck and as soon as the useless shirt was off Clarke's shoulders, she began littering kisses on her girlfriend's now bare shoulders.

 

Carefully, she led them the few steps that were left to the bed, gently pushing Clarke down and with that, effectively topping her now. She was shivering when Clarke's fingers slid under the hem of her shirt and she whimpered. Yes, Alexandria Woods whimpered and no, she wasn't even the slightest bit ashamed because of it. In fact, she loved this side of Clarke and didn't want to hesitate showing her love for her.

 

* * *

 

 

  _To be continued... ;)_

 


	37. She tasted like home

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke shivered when she felt Lexa's fingers graze the sensitive skin on her back and she couldn't help sucking in a breath as soon as she felt the brunette's finger's at the waistband of her now completely unnecessary dress pants. Their kissing was now much sloppier than it was every other time. Teeth were clashing and tongues were dancing around each other.

 

Somewhere in between, Lexa's button-up had been discarded and was now lying on the floor next to the gigantic bed. The brunette's body was so much more toned than Clarke's, that she almost felt ashamed of her body, but she knew that she didn't need to be. Her curves had always been something she liked of her body. They were not too much, but enough to be quite sexy. But now, being here, touching the perfectly, not too toned abs of her girlfriend was a different story.

 

They weren't quite hot, no, they were breathtakingly stunning and Clarke really loved touching them.

 

"Yours." Lexa mumbled in between their sloppy kissing and made Clarke smile. The blonde really wasn't a possessive person, but she liked the thought of Lexa being hers and not somebody else's. Lexa was her Lexa and she absolutely loved the sound of it.

 

Her only way to respond was bringing one of Lexa's hands up to her left boob. "Yours." She offered with a sly smile. Clarke knew how much Lexa was a boob girl and how often she had caught Lexa staring at them, even if it was subtle. 

 

"I love you." Lexa mumbled after she had stopped chuckling at the fact that Clarke had so easily seen through her.

 

"I love you, too." Clarke responded.

 

She whimpered when she felt the hand that she had placed on her boob was now starting to carefully massage it. Kneading it slowly, making Clarke moan and wanting for more. She searched friction in bucking her hips into Lexa who still straddled her.

 

She absolutely adored how careful Lexa seemed to be, but right now she couldn't help but wanting more. 

 

"Please.." She mumbled and as soon as it was out of her mouth, she could hear a small chuckle from above her and she could feel the clasp of her bra being unbuckled. Finally she was getting rid of this nasty piece of cloth.

 

"Please what?" Lexa asked playfully, knowing very well what Clarke was asking for.

 

"I want you, now." Clarke demanded with a slight quiver in her voice. It definitely didn't help the steadiness of her voice that Lexa now started sucking at her pulse-point, probably leaving a mark that would remain there for days.

 

Clarke couldn't care less.

 

"Then you will get me now, niron." Lexa whispered when she released the now probably red patch of skin.

 

The brunette hooked her fingers into the belt-loops of Clarke's pants and swiftly pulled them down, discarding the blonde's underwear directly with them. As fast as possible, the brunette got rid of the few pieces of clothing left on her own body, leaving Clarke pouting. 

 

"I wanted to d..." The blonde's grumbling was interrupted by a small gasp she let out when she felt a finger slowly slipping through her already wet folds.

 

"You wanted?" Lexa donned a confident smirk, but behind her blown pupils Clarke could see the tenderness, the caution and the silent question of permission. 

 

Now would be the last chance to back away, but Clarke really didn't want to. She wanted Lexa and she wouldn't stop that from happening now.

 

"I wanted to,-undress you." She managed to get out while her breathing became more ragged every second. The feeling of Lexa's fingers carefully and slowly circling her clit made it impossible for her body to react any differently. It just felt, too good.

 

"P..-please, Lex." She begged once more. Clarke wasn't sure if she could take the teasing any longer if she wouldn't get any release soon. Not that she didn't like it, no, she definitely did, but she wanted more. More, more and more.

 

"What do you want me to do?" Lexa's voice sounded husky and Clarke moaned at the sound of it. She loved it when Lexa was all dominant, at least for this moment. She would never let her always take the lead, Clarke was way too competitive for that. But for now, she absolutely loved it. She loved her.

 

"I want you...-I want you inside me." She gasped when only moments later, she could feel a finger slipping inside her, making her bucking her hips involuntarily, searching for more friction. The slow, steady rhythm making her growing closer, closer to the edge.

 

She gasped, moaned and she was sure that she repeated Lexa's name a couple of times until the brunette brought her over the edge. The orgasm was rocking in waves through her whole body, making her tremble and pant. Lexa held her during it and whispered small love confessions into her ear.

 

Once Clarke had recovered and came down from her high, she turned around to see Lexa lying next to her, sucking her fingers clean. The thought of Lexa tasting her right now was arousing Clarke again. 

 

Clarke was at a loss of words, so she rolled over and started kissing Lexa again. At first it was sweeter than the ones before, but it didn't take long for it to grow more heated again. 

 

With every second she got closer to pleasure Lexa, she got more anxious. She had never satisfied a woman besides herself so she had no real idea of what she was supposed to do. Clarke knew what made herself feel good but that didn't mean that this would be something Lexa enjoyed, too.

 

"Lexa?" She asked cautiously. She didn't want to disappoint Lexa when the brunette had already made her feel this great. No, she wanted to satisfy Lexa completely, but she would need her girlfriends help for it.

 

"I'll guide you through it." The brunette brushed away a blonde strand of hair. 

 

Clarke nodded and slowly began kissing her girlfriend again. Hands were roaming all over their bodies, sending shivers down their spines and making Lexa, much to Clarke's pleasure, moan. She absolutely loved the sound and if she was being honest, she wanted to hear it over and over again.

 

Then, she slipped two fingers through Lexa's fold, finding her clit and starting to massage it slowly. The wetness had immediately coated her fingers and left her groaning. She loved the idea of Lexa being this wet because of her.

 

Slowly, Lexa guided her through it until Clarke had her moaning her name in pleasure and trembling from the aftershocks. 

 

A while later, after Lexa had recovered, the brunette had turned to face Clarke again, who couldn't stop smiling. She felt incredibly great. This day was just perfect.

 

She had won the trial against Finn, she had finally gotten rid of a big burden with winning the trial and now she got to be lucky to finally make love to Lexa.

 

She had thought about it for some time. They had been together for a couple of months now and Clarke had known that this would be the next logical step, but she was grateful that Lexa had waited for her to be fully ready. Before today she had had so many things on her mind that she wouldn't have been able to pour all of her love, happiness and passion into it. The trial and the fight with her mother had drained her, emotionally and physically, but today, with winning the trial, she finally felt ready for it.

 

Yes, she was still fighting with her mother, or rather she was still ignoring the older woman's calls and tries to reach out for her. Abby had screwed up big time and Clarke wanted her to finally feel it. All the time, Clarke had just seen past slips as this one, but now, now she wouldn't allow this anymore. Especially not if it was about Lexa. The girl who had saved her.

 

"Are you sure you haven't done this before?" Lexa asked with a small laugh, pulling Clarke out of her deep thoughts.

 

"Well, not with another woman, but I knew what makes me feel good, so I kind of tried some of that." Clarke stated smugly, quite proud of impressing Lexa. Sure, she got some tips from her more experienced girlfriend but some of the moves were definitely hers.

 

* * *

 

 

After round two, both of them had fallen asleep, being clearly drained from the whole trial and the stress that came alongside it. They had fallen asleep cuddling with Clarke's head resting on Lexa's bare shoulder and Lexa's arm draped protectively around Clarke.

 

She never wanted to let go of the blonde. She never wanted to lose the warmth Clarke's body offered while cuddling and she certainly never wanted to let go of this great human being she was able to call her girlfriend. 

 

They had already faced so much and, of course there will not always be good times, but for now, their future looked bright. Lexa loved thinking about a possible shared future. She loved thinking of one day maybe, now it was still far too early, proposing to Clarke, then marry her and build a family. She loved thinking of growing old with the blonde by her side, but she also knew that things not often go like one planned them to. 

 

The future was never a solid thing. Future always changes and hits you unprepared in the moment you expect it the least. Sometimes it would bring positive things, sometimes negatives.

 

The best example for an unexpected change of her future was when Indra had talked to her about a girl that has been harassed at school. The immense longing for helping the girl that so desperately needed help had led her to the most amazing thing she had been able to be part of. Before Clarke, she was dead set on living the life her parents had planned for her. Studying law, working in their company until she would one day take it over and at some point marry some woman her parents approved of. No kids since they would take up too much time and definitely no football once she was out of college. Her parents never approved of her passion, so that would never be part of her future.

 

But now? Now with Clarke n her arms, she was questioning things. She didn't want to live the life her parents had planned for her, at least not every part of it. She wanted to marry the woman she loved, not one her parents would have chosen for her and she wanted to have kids at some point. Two or three would be perfect. And football really was something she didn't want to go without, hell, she even got some offers from some clubs that wanted her to play as a professional after graduating. Currently there were only a handful women who even had the courage to try out for the NFL and that she got like three to four different offers from highly rated clubs was a great sign of respect for her. 

 

Nobody besides her knew about these offers. They had come in while Clarke had been preparing for the trial and was going through a hard time and Lexa didn't want to bother her with that. This was something they had to talk about eventually, but right now, she would allow Clarke recover from all the stress of the trial and the fight with her mother.

 

Then they would talk. Then they would start making plans.

 

For now, they will heal and work through the past.

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Shrugs) Yeah, well, guys. I am not sure about what to say about that chapter, or rather the first part of it, so I'll just say something about Lexa's monologue in the end.   
> It is true that there are women who are trying out for the NFL, but currently, as far as I know, none of them made it into an actual team. Considering that this story takes place in a parallel universe, I thought that I would make this possible in Clarke and Lexa's world, since my opinion in this matter is that everybody, no matter of man or woman, black or white, queer or straight (and so on) should have the same chances. Who says that just because you are a woman, you can't play football?   
> Generally speaking, or rather from what I am witnessing in Germany, I can say that women's sports, especially soccer are underrated. Some of the women who are playing in our national team are still attending another job besides playing soccer, while me are ridiculously over-payed. I mean millions? In my opinion this is pure sexism. 
> 
> End of my rant. Sorry, I just needed to get this off my soul once.  
> Anyway, have a good day.
> 
> Nickelback21


	38. I won't go back to a home that isn't one

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke just wished that she could finally really breathe again. She wanted to feel finally free and happy and normally, after winning the trial, she would have been, but there was still a gigantic elephant left in the room. She still hasn't spoken to her mother. Abby Griffin was in her way to find happiness. Well, not she personally, but rather the fact that Clarke still avoided her and was still angry at her.

 

For some reason, she found it to be kind of impossible to forgive her for what she had said. Maybe it was the fact that Abby had let her down already so often in the past and what she had said to Lexa was just the final issue Clarke needed to finally snap. 

 

The blonde hadn't seen her mother the whole time, since the older woman stayed away from the trial. But Abby had often tried to call her and reach out for her, but every time Clarke saw her caller-id, she declined the call immediately. Somehow she couldn't stand the idea of talking to her mother. 

 

She was still staying at Lexa's and it almost felt normal now, but the issue still bugged her. Not that she didn't lave staying with her girlfriend, no, that was definitely not it. She loved waking up to her beautiful girlfriend after keeping her up a tad too long, she loved not having to eat her breakfast alone and she loved having company. Yes, she really loved living with Lexa. Currently she had almost her whole stuff at the brunette's apartment after Lexa drove several times to her old house in order to get everything she might need.

 

She was conflicted. On the one hand she really wanted to forgive her mother and give her another shot at finally being the parent she needed, but on the other hand she couldn't find it in herself to honestly forgive her everything. It felt like she had seen past too many things in the past.

 

"I can hear you thinking, Clarke. What is the matter?" Her girlfriend glanced up from her textbook. Currently they were both studying, or in Clarke's case, blankly staring at her assignment. She really couldn't concentrate on calculus right now.

 

"Nothing important. Study, your exam is tomorrow." Clarke replied, hoping get away with that.

 

Of course, she didn't. Lexa knew her too well to let this slide.

 

"Every time something is really bothering you, you try to shift the focus on something other than yourself. I know you Clarke, so please tell me what is bothering you." Lexa now turned fully around so she could face Clarke. Her textbook lying forgotten on the desk. 

 

Clarke sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She didn't even have an idea of how to tell the brunette everything that was crossing her mind right now. It felt like there was so much and she felt like she could never find the words that even describe half of it. Her thoughts were just really messed up. "It's just...It's just about my mother. I still haven't talked to her nor have I answered any of her texts." 

 

At that, Lexa crossed the distance between them and sat down next to Clarke on their shared bed. Clarke knew that when she would tell Lexa that she really doesn't want to speak about it, the brunette would leave her, even if only unwillingly. Lexa was too much of an understanding person to coax Clarke into something she didn't want.

 

"There is more to it, Clarke. If you want, tell me and we can work together to get past this." She offered Clarke a sincere smile which made Clarke ease up the slightest bit. Somehow Lexa always knew how to calm her down or how to make her feel comfortable when all she was was scared, freaking out or sad. 

 

"It's complicated. Like really complicated. I don't want you to screw up your exam because of my stupid conflicting thoughts." Clarke mumbled. She still couldn't really believe the fact that there was actually somebody out there who was willing to do everything to make her happy. She knew that Lexa would even drive hundreds of miles if Clarke was that far away and needed help. She knew it but still couldn't really believe it. So sometimes her insecurities won over her knowledge.

 

"Please, tell me what is bothering you. We both know that I won't be able to study when I know that you are sitting here obviously sad and conflicted about something." The sincerity in Lexa's eyes made Clarke sigh. What did she do to deserve someone like Lexa? 

 

"Okay...well, I don't really know how to explain it, though. Did you ever feel that conflicted about something that you can't focus on anything else?" She opted for asking Lexa a question, hoping that the brunette would understand how she was feeling right now.

 

"Yes. I know that feeling." Lexa answered.

 

"This is exactly what I feel right now. On the one hand I want so badly to forgive my mother and to give her another shot, but on the other hand...on the other hand all I want to do is scream at her how often she has screwed up. It feels like I have forgiven her so many times already that it fells like I can't anymore. I don't know what I am supposed to do." Clarke was getting really frustrated because she couldn't really find the words. What she had told Lexa now was only the raw gist of her problem, but she didn't know what else she was supposed to say.

 

"So you don't know whether to forgive your mother or not?" Lexa asked, looking really sincere now.

 

"Yes, basically. I kind of really can't describe everything going on in my head right now." Clarke sighed, letting herself drop on her back, falling into the soft cushions of the bed.

 

"Okay, look. I know I haven't told you a lot about the relationship between me and my parents besides the story with me moving out at the age of 18 and maybe you were able to pick something up from what I behaved around them, but there are a lot of things I haven't told you yet." Lexa paused, but Clarke could see that she was just trying to form coherent sentences in her head. So the blonde waited for her girlfriend to continue. "Okay, I think you were able to see that I am not acting while being around them the same way I am acting with you. My parents are great people, don't get me wrong, but they have these expectations of me to be the perfect daughter. They want me to be polit all the time, to be able to swallow down any emotions while talking to people for example at benefits. They want me to be somebody they are able to show off around their group of 'friends', or rather business-partners. My point is, some time ago, when I was 17, I was having the same or at least similar problems to yours. I didn't want to be like some brand new purse or necklace, I wanted to be who I am. In their world I was always Alexandria Woods, the heiress of the Woods company and the billions of dollars that come with it. I was never just Lexa, the girl who I felt I really was...anyway, I struggled with looking past my parents' flaws but at some point, I couldn't anymore. Ever since our relationship is strained. Whatever you decide to do, you have to know that it will probably affect your relationship with your mother forever." 

 

Clarke saw Lexa swallow harshly. She knew that the brunette tried not to show how strong it affected her to tell the story.

 

She wanted to say how sorry she felt for the brunette, but she knew that that was the last thing that Lexa wanted to hear right now. Still, this story really touched her and she couldn't help but feel deeply sorry for the brunette. 

 

 But the last sentence her girlfriend had said was stuck in her mind. Whatever she would do, it will affect her relationship with her mother deeply and probably forever. If she would decide to ignore her further, Abby might stop reaching out for her daughter at some point. She would see that Clarke really doesn't want the contact and will stop trying. This was something that scared Clarke deeply. The thought of not having her mother in her life anymore scared her. Abby has failed her many times, but still, Clarke has always had this imagination that at some point in the future, when she maybe has a family, Abby would be part of her life and the ones of her children. 

 

But, if she would just go over and say that she has forgiven her mother, Abby would most likely return to her old behavior. It wouldn't matter that she already changed the job, Abby would still never really be the parent she needed. That was her father but it was months ago that Clarke was able to speak to him. The internet connection in Africa is terrible and currently Jake was supposed to be in one of the poorest regions of Africa where they had no connection at all. The only thing she knew of him was that he was due to return in about forty days, but that was something that could change rather quickly. Still, she craved his hugs and his understanding, his voice and him playing the guitar and singing alongside her. Her mother would never be a good parent, no, that was something Abby would never learn.

 

"I want her to be in my life. I just have the feeling that if I will forgive her now, everything will be like it was before, you know? My mother is not someone who is truly capable of changing her ways. The only thing she can do is change little things and that only for a certain amount of time until she starts being like her old self again." She left out the part of craving her father, knowing that that was a topic for another time. 

 

"Ah..I see. Mhm... do you want to hear what I am thinking?" Lexa asked carefully, knowing very well that pushing too much would only scare Clarke away again. Still, the blonde nodded and waited to hear what her girlfriend was thinking. She needed that advice. She doubted that she would do the right thing if she would have to decide alone.

 

"Okay. Well, I think that you should find a compromise. You want her to be a part of your life, then let her be, but you shouldn't make things return to their old routines. If you don't like what I am proposing, you don't have to do it, I promise I won't be mad or something. It's your decision whether you want it or not." Clarke furrowed her eyebrows at her rambling girlfriend. Normally, in situations like these, Lexa was always calm and composed and definitely not a rambling mess. Hell, she was calm and composed literally two minutes ago, but Clarke guessed that she has had an idea that made her nervous. Otherwise she couldn't explain the sudden change in attitude. 

 

"What are you proposing?" She asked cautiously, having currently no idea what her girlfriend was talking about.

 

"I know it is kind of really early and we're not dating for too long, but I thought maybe we could make something permanent out of something that is only temporary right now." She was beating around the bush, but still, Clarke knew exactly what she was talking about.

 

"Lexa, do you want me to move in with you?" She asked, just to make sure that she was guessing the right thing.

 

"Ah...yes, but only if you want. That way you can keep a distance to your mother while maybe starting to talk to her again. But like I said, you don't have to. If you don't want to it's totally fine. I mean it really is early and considering that you are still in high school and we don't even know if you will go to the same university like me, you can totally say no." Lexa was still rambling and Clarke couldn't help, despite the situation, finding it completely adorable. Normally Lexa always knew what to say and now seeing her totally unable to form a coherent sentence was so cute that Clarke couldn't help chuckling at the girls antics.

 

She still had to overthink the possibility of moving in with Lexa, since that would be a really big step. Like Lexa had said it was really early for her to move out, but Clarke couldn't help the fact that she really liked the idea of sharing an apartment with Lexa. She really loved having someone around who was actually willing to keep her company. Also, Lexa was right. It would offer some much needed distance from her mother. That way, Clarke would be free to visit her like she wanted to without having to deal with her every day.

 

"Yes, Lex. I want to move in with you." She tested the words on her tongue and smiled when she felt how great it felt to speak them out loud. She grinned from ear to ear when she saw Lexa smiling like a fool in front of her.

 

"Are you sure?" The brunette asked, sounding still insecure.

 

"Yes, totally. Like you said it will create some much needed distance, but the real reason behind me agreeing is that I really don't want to leave you again. Just the thought of having to go back after living here for the past four weeks makes me sad. I really love waking up next to you and I really love you, so yes, I am totally sure."

 

With that, Lexa pulled her in for a hard kiss, which was still kind of tender and gentle while being intense.

 

After that kiss, Clarke knew that there won't be much studying for them today.

 

 

* * *

 


	39. Distance

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke was shaking like a leaf. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this. 

 

They were standing in front old house, her mom was waiting inside for them after they had called her and set up a date to talk to her about the whole moving stuff. It has been another week since Lexa had proposed the idea of Clarke moving in completely and still, Clarke was sure that she wasn't ready to face her mother.

 

Abby still tried to reach out for her, but it has become less frequently. Still, there was at least one call from her mother in the evening when Abby knew she would be at home.

 

The longer she ignored those calls, the worse she felt. Yes, she was still mad at her mother for honestly a lot of things, but ever since she agreed to move in with Lexa, her anger kind of lessened. Probably it was due to the fact that she knew she would finally have some distance to her mother. Her feelings were telling her that this was the right thing to do and that maybe, just maybe, they could mend their relationship with some distance between them.

 

"What if she doesn't agree? I mean what if she doesn't allow it?" Clarke mumbled for what has t be the hundredth time in a row. Lexa had always given her the same answer, never losing the patience she had with Clarke.

 

"You are eighteen. She can't forbid you to move out, at least not really." Clarke felt Lexa's hand giving her own a small squeeze and she took a deep breath.

 

Lexa was right. She knew that, but still, she was worried about her mother's reaction. The most unlikely scenario was that she would be actually celebrating Clarke's absence followed closely by actually agreeing for the very same reasons like Clarke. Most likely was that she would try to convince Clarke that they could actually work through this and that the blonde just would have to come home again. Another possible reaction would be her yelling at Lexa as well as Clarke for even think of something like this. She would argue that Clarke was still too young to actually have her own life,  but then again, Clarke could point out that she has handled her life alone before since her mother was absent almost the whole time.

 

"Come on, Clarke, you can do this." She grumbled to herself and then lifted her finger to press the button of the bell. 

 

The all too familiar ringing sound made her shiver. Now she couldn't back down anymore. Knowing that made her panic rise again.

 

The sounds of someone coming down the stairs were ringing in her ears. They seemed louder than anything she has ever heard, but she knew it wasn't true. There was no way it was this extreme, no, it was most definitely just her imagining it. 

 

"Clarke?" Her mother has opened the door and was now standing in front of them. She looked too tired, too somber and too distraught and it hurt Clarke to see her this way. The pang of guilt was throbbing in her chest and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. She knew that she was hurting Abby, but seeing how much it had really affected her mother almost made Clarke blurt out that she was coming back and that she has forgiven her completely. However, she didn't. She had to stay strong now and, even if she really didn't feel this way, she had to act confident. Her mother has to think that what Clarke was going to tell her was something she had no influence on. Abby has to see that Clarke really needs to do it.

 

"Hello, mother." She replied coldly. She knew that others would call their mothers mom or something like that and that they would never greet their mother the way Clarke did, but for the blonde it was naturally the way she spoke to her mother. Abby has never been the mom-type and Clarke never felt like calling her that way. They had always acted kind of formal and after their last encounter Clarke was pretty sure that this was something that would never change. Not in a million years.

 

Even though they had called her prior showing up, Abby seemed to be quite in shock to actually face her daughter again and Clarke couldn't help but feel guilty for this expression on her mother's face when the older woman let them both in. 

 

_I have to stay strong. Now is not the time to break down._

 

Abby led them through the hallway into the living-room where they sat down on the comfortable couch.

 

"I missed you." She mumbled as soon as Clarke was really looking at her, or at least trying to. The blonde found it almost impossible to look at the woman who was visibly suffering due to her actions, but still, she tried to keep up her mask.

 

She didn't know what to say. Yes, she kind of missed her mother too, but that was just it. She missed her kind of. Thinking about her had been hurting Clarke and now sitting here, facing the person that was supposed to have raised her and to be her support system was hurting, too. She wasn't that angry anymore, but she was still hurt.

 

If somebody would just have seen the whole situation with her mother giving Lexa the talk, they would, of course, label her as unreasonable. But that was just the last bit she needed to explode. With that, she couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't look past her mothers mistakes anymore. 

 

"I have to tell you something." She managed to get out. Clarke thought that it was the best to just skip the part of unnecessary sentiments. This part would only make her second guessing her decision despite her knowledge of it being the best for her.

 

She could see her mother swallowing, but the older woman nodded nonetheless. 

 

"I, or rather we, " She looked at Lexa who was still holding her hand and now was giving it a small squeeze of reassurance. At least Clarke knew that she wasn't alone in this. Lexa was there to support her and also have her back in case things would go south. "We decided that I will move in with Lexa." She said while trying to keep her voice as steady as possible. 

 

"What?" Abby asked, obviously not believing what Clarke had just told her.

 

"I will move in with Lexa." She repeated it. 

 

"Clarke...you are too young for this!" Her mother exclaimed, saying exactly what Clarke has been expecting. Of course Abby would say that in order to keep Clarke from actually moving out. The blonde knew her mother too well. 

 

"For what am I too young? For cooking my own food? For doing the laundry? For cleaning my home?" The question was seeping of sarcasm and Clarke let Abby feel it. This was supposed to be a civil encounter, but she couldn't help finally saying this. Maybe it was not fair, but it also hasn't been fair that Clarke had been left on her own devices by her mother. "Because I already did these things for five years now." 

 

At that Abby gaped, obviously not knowing how to respond. Her point had been turned against her and that was something that rarely, if at all, happens, so the older woman clearly struggled to handle that. 

 

"Okay...please, let me explain this, okay?" Clarke stated, now sounding and feeling much calmer after seeing her mother actually giving up on arguing. She wanted this to be a calm thing and, eventhough she kind of failed at staying calm at first, she wanted to calm things down, at least as long as she thought of it as possible.

 

Abby sighed, sounding defeated. This was Clarke's sign to actually explain her decisions. "See...Lexa and I have been living together for the past four weeks and I really, really love it. It makes me truly happy and I really feel great, but there is another reason I think makes this decision reasonable." Clarke paused for a short moment, almost expecting her mother to shut her down, but when she didn't, Clarke proceeded. "I want to fix things with you, mother. But, I don't think that I could do this while living with you. In my opinion, me moving out and so putting some distance between us will help me to fix things. I want this to be at my pace and this will help me, please, mother. Please, agree to this." 

 

Even if Abby would not agree, Clarke would still do it, but she wasn't too sure if there would be any fixing the relationship part. Maybe this could break them apart completely.

 

She could see a lot of emotions pass the older woman's face. At first there was still some mild anger sparking in her eyes, followed by being conflicted and finally by defeat. The argument of fixing their relationship was seemingly exactly what she needed to hear.

 

"You want to fix things between us?" Abby asked, still sounding like she didn't really believe what Clarke has just said.

 

"Yes. I hate to be mad at you, but you have to know that this might be a really long process. Over the years you have left me alone too often for me to forgive you easily." Clarke said. It will definitely take her a while, but she was willing to repair their strained relationship, maybe even willing to make it a better one than it has ever been. 

 

"I understand, but you have to know that I will really be fighting for you. I want to be in your life Clarke and this not only as some kind of passive influence, I want to be an active part." Abby sounded kind of relieved, but still, the sadness was more than evident in her voice, but Clarke couldn't really blame her.

 

She would, if she would be in Abby's position and her own daughter would tell her that she would be moving out before even graduating from high-school, also be sad and probably disappointed at herself.

 

"Okay. Thank you, mother. I really hope that this will help us." Clarke stated, honestly hoping what she had just described.

 

"I hope so, too." 

 

* * *

 

 

"Thank you for being there for me." Clarke said when they walked toward Lexa's car. They would separate now, so that Clarke could take her father's bike with her, but this felt as if it had to be said beforehand. 

 

"You know that I would to anything for you, right? Facing your mother included." Lexa looked at her lovingly and smiled.

 

Clarke smiled right back and closed the distance between them. She really loved her girlfriend who was willing to go to hell and back for her. She had never had someone (other than her father maybe, but his possibilities were limited due to his job and so on) who was willing to do something like this for her. 

 

Abby had actively insulted Lexa before and still, the brunette was there for her and held her hand during facing her mother.

 

While they gently kissed, they couldn't see Abby standing at the kitchen window looking at them with a small smile on her face.

 

* * *

 


	40. Commander-two-face

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa smiled when she heard Clarke singing along the music that was playing in the room they had made the blonde's studio. Right now her girlfriend was painting while Lexa was sitting at her desk and was reading through some case file that her professor had given to her for studying. However she really couldn't concentrate on the text when she heard her girlfriend singing just one room next to the one she was seated in. 

 

Finally, finally Lexa thought. Finally Clarke seemed to be happy again.

 

As soon as they came home from their talk with Abby, Lexa could almost visible see that a gigantic weight was lifted off the blonde's shoulders. 

 

They were living together now officially for about a month and Lexa couldn't be happier, too. Having someone that she loved so dearly sharing her home with her seemed to make this prior so cold and void of life apartment seem alive. Before Clarke had moved in, her walls had been painted in grey and white shades, paintings, if there where any at all where black and white too and everything seemed as if there was nobody actually living in here. Sure, that was due to the fact that Lexa loved it to be all clean and well structured, but still it had never really felt like a true home to her. More like a place to sleep, eat and study, not more.

 

Now this was different, though. Clarke had brought some of her own paintings into the apartment which were now decorating the walls. They were all brightly colored and just so beautiful that Lexa could stare at them for hours straight. The blonde has also painted some of her walls and turned the cold colors into warm, welcoming ones. 

 

Living alone has had it perks, yes, but not having to live alone anymore was so much better than that. There wasn't this deadly silence anymore while she was studying or while she reading. The soft music that was now playing all the time while Clarke was painting filled this silence. And Lexa would have never expected the muttering of some curse words because her girlfriend had dropped something due to her slight clumsiness was such a welcoming noise.

 

She decided that she would just take a break from studying. The exam was two days from now which was not much time but studying wouldn't do any good as long as she couldn't focus at all. With a smile on her face she got up and made her way to the room her girlfriend was currently painting in. 

 

Slowly she opened the door, trying to do that without disturbing the blonde. 

 

She leaned against the door frame and smiled when she saw the blonde swaying her hips, matching exactly the rhythm of the music, while painting something that already looked like it could become something really really beautiful. Clarke had yet to notice her, so she just stood there watching the scene in front of her.

 

To others that would probably seem creepy, but she couldn't help it. It just made her happy.

 

After another few minutes, the blonde turned around and visibly jumped at the sight of Lexa leaning against the door frame.

 

"Why haven't you said anything?!" The blonde yelped, a blush turning the color of her cheeks into a beautiful pink. If Lexa was being honest, she loved seeing the blonde flustered.

 

"I didn't want to interrupt you." She murmured while making her way toward Clarke who was still looking as if she has seen a ghost. Gently she placed her hands on the slightly younger girl's waist, wanting to be close to her. She leaned in and placed a gentle short kiss on Clarke's lips and she smiled when she felt the blonde smile into the kiss.

 

They were together now for almost half a year and still every kiss felt like the first one, that happend so many weeks ago on top of the hill that Lexa was visiting almost every day. It had been the day after their first victory of the season and she had offered Clarke to stay over when she found out that the blonde would have to return home alone. Her golden rule of never letting anyone leave her party alone has never been that valuable and she had never been that happy about having it in the first place.

 

Thinking back to it she almost wanted to laugh at herself. She had stood there, with Clarke on top of the hill, which provided a perfect view on the city, but has not even paid attention to her surroundings. The only thing she had been able to look at was the blonde that she held now in her arms. The blonde who had been so broken back then, who had been treated like crap and who deserved the world. 

 

The kiss had been perfect. The morning sun had been shining down on them and the little wind had been playing with their hair. She had loved every second of it.

 

"I can hear you thinking, Lex." The blonde mumbled while gently stroking Lexa's cheek with her thumb. The brunette couldn't help but lean into the touch and sigh. Nothing had ever made her feel this comfortable.

 

"I was just thinking about our first kiss and how every kiss still feels like it is the first one." She smiled when she reopened her eyes and met blue that shone with amusement.

 

"Who would ever think that the Commander would turn out to be the biggest love-struck dork on earth." Clarke chuckled and Lexa feigned being hurt. She knew that she was acting like the biggest sap known to human mankind while being around her girlfriend, but she couldn't help it. That was just how she felt.

 

"Well, I am your sappy dork, so..." She trailed off in order to kiss these perfect pink lips again.

 

"My dork, that sounds great." Clarke mumbled into the kiss, earning a soft chuckle from the brunette. They kissed for another few seconds before leaning their foreheads against each other.

 

"Aren't you supposed to be studying? Your exam is only two days from now and its the last before you finals." Now, the blonde sounded concerned and Lexa couldn't help but shake her head at it. This was Clarke to her. Always caring about others before she would even think about herself.

 

"Well, yes, but I am taking a break. And don't remind me of the finals. I hate thinking of having to study for two weeks straight." She rolled her eyes at thinking about that. For her normal exams she barely had to study, if at all. Paying attention to what the professor is saying is mostly all you need, sometimes she had to read her notes again, but that was it.

 

Finals were another story, though. They had to be good and they were much more complicated. 

 

"You will still have football to get you distracted." Clarke replied.

 

"Right. Which reminds me...are you coming to my game tonight?" She asked, hoping for her girlfriend to watch her play. Until now, Clarke had never missed any home-game since the very first she had attended the evening before their first kiss. The blonde was always seated in the front row donning one of Lexa's shirts and the brunette's letterman if it became to cold for just wearing a shirt.

 

"Of course. How could I miss on seeing your sexy ass in those skinny shorts?" The blonde replied, shocking Lexa for a short moment. The longer they were together, the more confident Clarke grew again and sentences as this one weren't impossible anymore.

 

Lexa couldn't help smiling at the blonde. Ever since she had won the trial, most of the people at her school let her be. Some of them even apologized for what they had done to her after finding out what the blonde really had to go through. Some of these apologies probably only came from the fear of ending up like Finn and Murphy, but the effect was the same. Clarke had told her that she didn't fear going to school anymore, or at least not as strongly like before, which made Lexa almost crush her in a deep hug.

 

She couldn't believe how far the blonde had come in this short amount of time. There were still her trust-issues and sometimes she was still very self-conscious about herself, but it becomes less frequent by day. 

 

She was so happy that everything turned out well for her girlfriend with the whole trial and so on, but sometimes she couldn't help thinking what would have happened if she would have lost the trial. With Finn and Murphy winning against Clarke, the whole situation would have with no doubt become so much worse than it already was. Her defeat would have been another reason for her school-mates to bully her and then, Lexa wouldn't be sure if she would be able to do anything against that. 

 

But that didn't happen. Finn and Murphy were now in prison with a screwed future. There was no way that both of them would ever have a good job  or was she almost sure, or at least did she hope that they would never have a decent family. She didn't want to know what would happen to their children when they would fail them at some point.

 

"Does that mean you are only coming as long as I am wearing skinny shorts?" She feigned being hurt at the aspect that Clarke only named her shorts as a reason to come to her game. Though Lexa knew better. She knew that Clarke was secretly a great sports lover, at least those which she is interested in. Football was one of these.

 

"I like your shoulder pads too." Now Clarke was chuckling and Lexa couldn't help but laugh along. 

 

Clarke Griffin was really someone special.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa stood in front of her entire team. They were in the conference room where all the tactical speeches were hold for years straight.

 

Today they would play against the sankru eagles. The third best team that was competing in the play-offs. It was the semi-finale and the team that would win today would face the Azgeda Warriors in the finale. And beating those in the finale again was definitely something on Lexa's agenda. There was no way she would allow her team to not even come as far as being able to play in the finale. 

 

"Today. Today we have the chance to enter the state-championship's finale for the third time in a row. Today we have the chance of winning us the possibility to once again face the Azgedas. Today we have the chance to prove us once again to be worthy of competing for the title!" She paused for a short moment and watched every player in the room, checking their reactions. She could see the fierce determination on their faces alongside with the whole concentration. Her team was ready, she knew that, but still, she wanted to push them further. "I have been looking forward to this game for a while now. Sankru definitely is a good team, but they aren't as good as we are! They are fast, but we are faster. They play accurate passes, ours are more accurate. They have a great stamina, ours is even better! We have trained hard for this and now I want you to show exactly that to everybody out there in the stands. Your family, girlfriends, boyfriends and friends came here to see you play and I don't expect anything less of you than showing 130 percent to them. I want us to win. For our loved ones, our fans and most importantly for us, because I think that everybody in here want's another chance of beating Nia and her little subsidiaries, am I right?" Her team roared their approval, but she thought there was still more in them. "Am I right?" She asked once again, this time much louder. The following cheering and roaring of approval was much more satisfying and so she nodded and moved for them to get out of the room now.

 

On their way out, she gripped everybody's forearm in a firm grip. She needed her team now more than ever and they needed to know that.

 

Together, they made their way out into the stadium, Lexa followed at the end and was greeted by an even louder choir of cheering than her teammates.

 

This, this was exactly what she was living for. This was what gave her strength when she so desperately needed it and this was what her heart screamed for.

 

Except, now, it wasn't the only thing her heart desired. No. Football now had to share it's place with a certain blonde that was sitting in the front row and was cheering alongside the others. 

 

Her teammates began warming up, but she was still standing on the pitch matching the blue gaze that was directed directly at her. The blue gaze she was so familiar with and had the luck to wake up to every day. The blue gaze that belonged to the girl who held her heart in her hands.

 

To the other fans it must look like she was still enjoying their cheering, but truth to be told, she couldn't hear it anymore. In fact, she heard nothing right now.

 

Then Clarke nodded with the same fierce determination Lexa had seen only a few minutes prior in her teammates eyes. This was her sign to fully focus on the game.

 

* * *

 

 

"Lexa! Lincoln is running on the left!" She heard Bellamy yell across the field and she smirked. She had already seen her friend running forward and was just waiting for the perfect moment to throw one of her trademark passes with deadly accurateness. 

 

They were in the last few minutes of the game which turned out as incredibly tight. The sancru eagles had made severe improvements in their defensive, which had been their major problem the past season. They somehow managed to get some incredibly fast running Cornerbackers and Running Backs into their team.

 

Until now, the game was a tie and no team had given the other one a chance of winning this.

 

But that was just it. Until now.

 

Lexa sent the ball soaring through the air, effectively throwing it exactly into the running direction of her left Wide Receiver.

 

Lincoln saw this and caught the ball while jumping off the ground in order to catch it and slam it onto the ground in the end zone.

 

The cheering of the crowd was insane and when Lexa saw the clock slowly ticking down the last few seconds of the game, she allowed herself to be consumed by it.

 

They had won.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	41. Truth to be told

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Hey, Griffin!" Raven's voice was ringing through the crowded halls of the place Clarke had grown to hate. These days now were definitely better compared to the time Finn was still going here, but still, these halls and classrooms were haunted in her eyes. She would never be truly happy here.

 

The happier was she when she realized that winter was approaching, meaning, she had only half a year left.

 

Then she could finally escape. Then she could start over. Then she could finally be free.

 

"Hey, Rae. What's up?" She asked, trying to sound excited to see the brunette, even if she definitely wasn't. Raven and Octavia tended to be rather exhausting. They won't leave her alone, even if she really was in a bad mood or they always were asking Clarke questions she was far from comfortable with. Mainly questions about her and Lexa's sex-life and that was something Clarke absolutely didn't want to share. That was their's alone.

 

"Not much.. I guess. At least not as much as in your life!" The brunette feigned being hurt while clutching the spot where her heart was located. Clarke furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Her life has never been this laid back like it was the past few weeks. The people at her school were leaving her alone ans she was getting good grades, had a settled schedule and honestly? She was happy.

 

So why the hell would her life be more exciting than that of the all-too-fantastic Raven Reyes?

 

"What do you mean?" She asked, her mind still trying to figure Raven out.

 

"Well for starters...you moved and didn't tell us?" The expression on the brunette's face was sour, a indicator for Clarke that her friend really was kind of hurt.

 

"Didn't see the chance. But how did you find out?" Clarke asked. 

 

"I am literally dating Lexa's best friend and cousin. If you would talk to us more often you would know." Now Raven sounded seriously hurt and Clarke's stomach fas starting to feel like it was turning around. Raven had a point, though. Clarke hasn't really put a lot of effort into maintaining their friendship, since it never had felt right in the first place.

 

"Right...listen, Rae. Can we talk about this later?" She hated how her voice cracked. Clarke knew that she was hurting her friend, but she had no other choice. Class was about to start and there was not even close to enough time to talk things through.

 

"That's exactly what you have told us for the past weeks, Clarke! But the funny thing is that you never actually talked to us. Like literally never!" What she saw shocked the blonde. Her friend, the otherwise incredibly strong Raven had tears welling up in her eyes. Tears that she caused. Tears that were there because Clarke had left her alone.

 

Truth to be told, Clarke never was really happy with being the kind-of-best friend of Raven and Octavia, but, still, they have been there for her. They had been there when she had been messed around with again, or at least often. They would have listened to all the bullshit going on in her life if she would just  have let them, but she couldn't. Somehow it always had felt off, like puzzle-pieces that don't fit, but are pressed together nonetheless by a small child. 

 

"Raven...I...-meet me after school behind the bleachers, there we can talk." Was all she managed to get out before hurrying away. She almost ran through the hallway and into her designated classroom. She was sure that the look on Raven's face would make it impossible for her to even try concentrating on class, but she needed something that, even if it only the slightest bit, could distract her. Something that kept her from running away from the situation again.

 

Because that was something she had to fight against. She knew that. It was a habit that had been acting like a defensive mechanism. Running away from problems was something that her brain was thinking about first. Running away had been her only way of getting away without punishment. Running away was her way to solve problems.

 

But, she knew that she couldn't do that anymore. The whole situation with Finn and Murphy had shown her that this wasn't going to solve anything, or that it would save her. And she couldn't do it, because now it wasn't Finn or Murphy or the whole other bullies she would be running away from, no, it would be her friends. And somehow she couldn't do that to them.

 

* * *

 

 

Class started and ended without her noticing it. She hadn't paid any attention to what her teacher was babbling about, too troubled with picturing how this conversation with Raven and Octavia might be going. Throughout the class she had texted Lexa that she won't make it home the same time as always so her brunette didn't have to worry.

 

The final ring of the bell of the day made her heart-rate pick up and her palms sweating. It was too tempting to run away again. She could just run off and risk that they won't talk to her ever again, but somehow, somehow she couldn't. Her feet weren't cooperating with her brain and they led her to the bleachers where she was supposed to meet her friends. 

 

_If they even show up,_ she thought. 

 

After her rather rushed goodbye earlier and after postponing the talk that Raven wanted to have with her, there was a big possibility that they won't even bother to show up. Maybe they had given up on her. Maybe they don't want to deal with her anymore.

 

She sat there and waited for almost half an hour. Raven and Octavia hadn't shown up and she was about to leave when she heard footsteps approaching, so she stood still. 

 

"Guess who actually showed up." Raven muttered, obviously wanting Clarke to hear it and the blonde immediately felt her stomach turn into knots. She knew that she needed to hear exactly what they had to say, but she also needed them to understand her point of view. They had to know too how she had been feeling under their constant pressure, or at least what felt like pressure. 

 

Then she would leave the decision to be theirs. They could decide if they still wanted to keep being the friends of someone as broken as Clarke. To be friends of someone who kind of can't handle the same treatment like others. Someone who needed support during her recovery.

 

"Wow, Griffin, it's kind of a surprise that you didn't run off again." Octavia grumbled now, too, making Clarke feel sick in her stomach.

 

"Listen...I know I screwed up lately. I-I haven't been talking to you at all and I haven't told you a lot of things...but-please, please hear me out." She was pleading and she knew by the looks of it, that she wasn't off the hook this easy. Raven looked positively furious and Octavia just looked sad, no, hurt was the better expression for the dreadful look on her face. Knowing that she herself was the cause of all this made Clarke swallow harshly.

 

"No. You will listen first." Raven growled and there was nothing else Clarke could do besides nodding. She would allow them to vent as long as they would hear her out too. "Good. Listen, we have been there for you when no one else had. We have been there for you to put you back together after someone had used you again as their personal punching bag. We have been there when you needed an excuse for your mother why you had a bruise on your ribs. We have been there even if you never told us was actually going on. Why have you never told us how bad it really was?" The questions wasn't asked the same way as the part before, no, it seemed kind of soft and not accusingly.

 

Clarke was at a loss of words. She knew that she needed to be honest if she wanted to maintain the friendship, but she also knew that what she was about to say was probably going to hurt her friends. "I never trusted anyone enough to talk about it to them." She shut her eyes, waiting for Raven or Octavia to become angry. 

 

Conversations like this one where always a trigger for her to slip back into old behavior. Now, as stupid as it may sound, she was kind of waiting for her friends to beat her, because she had been honest with them. Her mind told her that they would never do that, but still, she was afraid of being wrong.

 

When she didn't hear anything, or didn't feel anything, she reopened her eyes, carefully looking at the two in front of her, who were looking at her with troubled expressions. It almost looked as if they were fighting to stay angry.

 

"Not even my mother knew...my father only to the same extend as you...since it all became worse when he already was in Africa. I kept it to myself because," She paused, suddenly feeling some confidence rush through her veins, making her want to explain herself, but not to excuse her actions. "Because everyone always laughed at me, pointed their fingers at me while saying that I was just a freak or someone that weird that I deserved to be bullied. They said to me that I am unlovable. So I begann shutting myself down. No one ever got to see my true feelings behind the iron mask that I have been putting on for the past two years, no, everyone, including the two of you, always saw the girl who let everyone do with her anything they wanted to do. Personal punching bag? Sure. Person to bully because you are unhappy with yourself? Of course. I trusted nobody ever again, not until Lexa stepped into my life and showed me that hoping for things to become better was worth it. I know you tried, too, to be there for me, but I couldn't help questioning the two of you." She looked at them with furrowed eyebrows. She was going to be painfully honest and she was almost sure that Raven and Octavia would never talk to her again after this, but she needed them to know what was going on with her and why she had been acting the way she did.

 

"O, you always hung out with the popular people, who are always cruel to me and sometimes you just stood there with them while they were muttering insults or where shoving me out of their way, just because you are afraid that they would never let you hang out with them again. Raven, you started dating Anya at the beginning of the year, despite knowing that she had been one of the most cruel of them. She even spit right on my boots and you were just standing there drooling about how stunning she looked in her godforsaken ripped jeans and leather jacket. "

 

They both looked guilty now and Clarke hated it. She hated how they were only now thinking about these things. She hated how they haven't even thought about how much damage they had already done in the past. 

 

"But that isn't even the worst, you know? The worst is that you are pushing me to tell you guys things that I am not happy to share all the time. You pushed me to tell you about me and Lexa, you pushed me to tell you about my fucking sex-life, which really is none of your business. I know that in a normal friendship these are things that are perfectly normal, but our friendship has never been a normal one. That already starts with me, because I am really bad at being normal, because I have always been pushed by others to be the strange girl who was everything but normal. I am not normal, I am no stereotype like so many other people at this school, no, I am extraordinary, which sounds cocky, but its true. Someone who has spend a lot of energy for putting me back together still says this to me every day when I wake up. She says it like it's the most obvious thing, but exactly that is teaching me that I am someone special, not just a nobody who deserves the shit that has been thrown at me. I am not the person you can push into telling yoz everything, because a lot of things I keep to myself. But eventually I might tell someone I trust these things, but only as long as I am ready to."

 

She was breathing heavily, the adrenaline rushing through her veins and her head already throbbing from the whole stress. Still, she felt so incredibly relieved that they finally knew, that they finally knew who she was and what she really wanted.

 

Octavia and Raven were staring at each other with quite shocked expressions. It was painfully obvious that none of them was sure about what to say.

 

"Why have you never told us?" Octavia asked, tears welling up in her eyes.

 

"I thought I made myself clear when I said that I didn't trust you enough." Clarke spat. She was angry. She was angry because of the guilt on their faces. She was angry because of this question. She was angry because they didn't seem to understand.

 

"Why are you telling us this now?" Raven asked. 

 

This was more of a good question. Why was she telling them this now?

 

Probably, because she finally felt strong enough.

 

"Because you need to know that. Because I learned that I deserve to be treated well, Because I want to maintain our friendship but just not the way it is." She took a deep breath. There were plenty other reasons, but there was one other that was stuck in her mind. It didn't really fit into her speech earlier, but it was right. "Because I owe you."

 

Because she did. 

 

"Despite you being pushy and even mean sometimes, you helped keeping me together and you tried to make my days here as normal as possible, at least most of the time." She swallowed again harshly.

 

"Clarke..." Raven trailed off, seemingly not knowing what to say, which was a rare occasion. Clarke saw the brunette taking a deep breath. "Clarke, I know...I know that you probably don't want to hear any of this, but everything I am going to say is true." She waited for Clarke's nod and then proceeded. "I am so sorry. And I know that ignorance is in no way an excuse for this, but I really didn't know how much I have been hurting you...and I'll accept it if you say that you don't want to talk to me ever again, but I'd much rather start over again. I want to be your friend. I want to be more considerate. I want to be more understanding. I want to be a friend to you who is there for you and to whom you can talk about the things that are bothering you."

 

Clarke took a deep breath. She wasn't sure what to say about this. Every other reaction she had held for possible, but this? This was something that didn't fit into her plan.

 

"Before you say something...I want to apologize too. I have been a stuck up bitch because I wanted to be just as popular as the other people from the group, but while fighting for fame, I forgot about something way more important. I forgot about my best friend who obviously needed me. I am so sorry and I know that might be not enough, but still I want you to know that. Plus, I have to thank you for opening my eyes. I have hurt you without realizing it...thank you for making me see what an asshole I have been."

 

Clarke shut her eyes. She wasn't really sure what to do, so she did what her heart was telling her.

 

Her heart had forgiven them the moment she had finally spoken the truth. 

 

She closed the distance between them and hugged her friends, who both had tears streaming down her face. Now, with her face buried into her friends neck, she let her tears fall too.

 

The way will still be rocky and long for them, but it felt like they could make it. Probably not as best friends but at least as friends.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 


	42. Make me believe again

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke returned she felt tired. The fight with her friends had drained her emotionally and physically. Lexa was at training and so she was left with not much to do besides her homework and she knew that she would fail miserably if she would try to get something done. So, she decided that she would draw something.

 

At first she sat in front of the easel, not sure of what to draw, but then it hit her. Lexa had said something about how much she would love if she would finally get the perfect picture of the view from on top of the hill. Her drawing would be far from perfect and probably not really what Lexa had pictured but she thought that she would give it a try, since that could be the perfect birthday present for her girlfriend who was going to turn 22 a few weeks from today.

 

She snatched her sketchpad from her desk and stuffed it into a small bag and made her way out of the apartment after leaving a note on the table that said that she would return later in the evening. 

 

It was already quite cold since it was the end of November. In two days was thanksgiving and Lexa and she had planned to invite their families and friends over, which even included Abby. Clarke was trying to mend their relationship and to look past everything that has happened and she thought that not leaving her mother on her own devices on thanksgiving was a good step into the right direction. It would be the first thanksgiving without her dad, but right now his return was planned to be at the beginning of December. She had learned that that didn't mean a lot though, because his first date of return would have been a couple of months ago. Still, a little hope that he was actually making it home before Christmas was there.

 

She wanted so badly to tell him everything that has happened while he wasn't there. She would tell him about the thing with Finn and Murphy, how Indra and Lexa had helped her, how Becca and Ryder were her lawyers during the whole trial and most importantly she wanted him to get to know Lexa, the girl that has saved her and pulled her out of the hole she got herself into. Clarke knew that they would get along well because they are similar in so many ways. Her father was just as gentle as Lexa was, he was as thoughtful as she, but most importantly he was just as much of a sports-freak as Lexa was. The blonde almost rolled her eyes when she thought of the countless conversations her dad would have with her girlfriend about football.

 

She made her way up the hill and once she was on the top she smiled to herself at the memories which this hill held. Here, just at the same spot she was now standing on, Lexa had kissed her the first time. On that day her world had turned around completely, but never in a negative way, no. Her life has become a better one after that kiss, but not just after that kiss. Her life already became a better one when she decided to tell Indra everything and when she had met the brunette that had puzzled her back together piece by piece. Her life became a better one when she saw nothing but pure understanding in green eyes that could read her completely.

 

She smiled to herself and sat down on the small bench that has seen better days already. Her sketchbook in her lap and drawing some outlines of the whole scenery in front of her. Raw shapes turned into much more defined ones and finally she had a complete sketch in front of her. 

 

She hadn't noticed that it had already gotten that late that the sun was setting which caused the whole world in front of her being colored in many different shades of orange red and yellow. 

 

There was not much time left until it would be completely dark, so she decided, despite her wanting to stay longer to watch the full sunset, to head back home. Lexa was probably back now and studying for her finals, so she didn't want to make her worry too much. 

 

After Costia Lexa has become much more careful and also has she begun to worry much faster, which Clarke understood perfectly. She couldn't imagine how it must have felt like to lose someone you love so dearly and who has been in your life for such a long time. It wasn't that Lexa didn't let her go anywhere alone or even forbid her to go somewhere, it was just that she tended to worry much faster than others.

 

She quickly made her way down again, the cold that became much harsher by the minute due to the sunset made her almost run her way back. The idea of a warm cup of tea made her go even faster. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Lex?" The brunette heard. She let out a sigh of relief when she heard her favorite voice again.

 

"In our room!" She shouted back. Right now she was reading through some case-files again that her professor wanted her to read because she was ahead of her course. It was some minor stuff about shoplifting, but he was of the opinion that this would be positive for her. When she heard him saying exactly that, she had wanted to scoff at him, because these things were boring as fuck. Still, it was better than the things her fellow course-mates have to do at home. Reading some case files suddenly felt like one of the best things when the other opportunity was to write several analyses about even easier case-files or speeches.

 

Sometimes she wished that she hadn't decided to follow her parents path to become a lawyer, but when she thought about the good things she would do for people that needed her the whole effort felt like it was worth it again.

 

"And once again studying." Her girlfriend was sighing with a small smile on her face from her spot on the doorstep. 

 

"Hey, niron. How was your day?" She asked, closing the folder and neatly piling it on top of her folder with her notes. She had received the massage that Clarke wouldn't be home the same time as always and figured that either she was hung up at school or that she was meeting her friends.

 

"Exhausting." Was the only thing the blonde replied before she made her way over to Lexa and sat down on her lap. Immediately Lexa began to stroke slow patterns on on Clarke's back and kissed her sweetly.

 

"Why was it exhausting, Clarke?" She asked gently. 

 

"Well, before class started, Raven came to me and wanted to talk to me...about how I never told her and Octavia that I moved in with you and other things. I told her that I would meet them after school behind the bleachers and that we could talk then. Therefore I wasn't really able to pay attention in any of my classes because I was caught up in dreading this talk. After school I went to the place where I said I would meet them and I was about to leave when they showed up. After that we talked or rather kind of fought. Then I came back and decided that I would go out and sketch a little bit." Her voice was wavering at some points which made Lexa question what this talk was about. She hoped badly for Raven and Octavia that they didn't do anything bad to Clarke, because then she would have to have a word with them. Not that Clarke would allow that but she wasn't sure if she would be able to refrain from doing so.

 

"What did you talk about? I mean only if you want to share of course." Lexa asked. She didn't want to push Clarke and therefore waited for her to either explain or shut her down. Lex has never really pushed Clarke into doing something that she wasn't comfortable with because she knew that that would only cause her to shut herself off again.

 

"They told me that they noticed how I never let them really be part of my life and once again reminded me of how hard they have tried to make my time in high school bearable." Clarke replied, sounding really tired.

 

Clarke had told Lexa that she has never really felt comfortable with the way Raven and Octavia were treating her and so hearing this caused her to be the slightest bit angry at them. They should know that they couldn't treat Clarke the same way as they would treat any other person or friend, simply because she has been and still kind of is a broken girl. A girl who had to suffer so many thing at such a young age.

 

"But I told them that they haven't done the best job at being there for me, or at least not as good as they thought they had. I also said to them that I wasn't comfortable with the way they treat me. After that they apologized for everything and I swear Raven Reyes had tears in her eyes." The blonde chuckled halfheartedly, obviously too tired to laugh. 

 

"So you forgave them?" Lexa asked, already knowing the answer, because she knew Clarke. The girl was everything but unforgiving. She had a ridiculously big heart and wasn't really able to stay angry at someone for long, but only for as long as she thinks they deserve her forgiveness. Abby being the best example. Clarke had been angry at her for more than a month because she wasn't ready to forgive her easily. So either you are convincing her that you deserve her forgiveness or you do a poor job at it and have to withstand her anger.

 

"Yes, kind of. things will be rocky, but I thought they deserve another shot at being my friends." The blonde smiled and Lexa couldn't help but plant a soft kiss on her lips.

 

She almost couldn't believe how much more confident Clarke had become. Back then when she met her, the blonde hadn't even managed to look her into her eyes, since her gaze was always turned toward the ground. The old Clarke would've never told them what she was really thinking, no, she would have just accepted their critics and would have gone along with the way they were treating her. But now hearing that Clarke has actually said what she was thinking made Lexa feel a wave of appreciation for the girl that now sat on her lap. 

 

Every day she could see Clarke becoming more confident, which was one of the best thing to witness in her opinion.

 

"I love you, you know that?" She mumbled while staring into blue eyes.

 

"Yes, I do know that. I love you too." Clarke smiled and they kissed again. This time much more passionately and longer than before.

 

* * *

 

 

Her phone was ringing and the caller's ID told her that Abby was calling her. She didn't know what the woman would want to talk about with her since their last encounter, even if it was many weeks ago, wasn't too pleasant. Lexa knew that back then the woman was struggling with accepting that she had failed her daughter and so the brunette wasn't angry at the woman anymore, but their relationship still felt kind of strained.

 

"Lexa?" 

 

"Yes, Abby? What can I do for you?" She asked, because she knew that there must be some hidden purpose since Abby would never call her without any reason. Normally she would call Clarke, which was only logical, so she is left wondering why Abby called her now.

 

"Clarke isn't answering her phone, so I thought that I would just call you. I got a call earlier from Jake's boss and she said that Jake would be returning early. His flight should arrive at three n the morning!" Lexa had never heard Abby this happy. The older woman's voice was basically a whole octave higher than normal and if you would write this down there would have to be at least ten exclamation marks.

 

Lexa herself almost let out a squeal of joy too. She knew how much her girlfriend has missed her father and how much she wanted to see him again after all this time without even texting him. The only contact they had was his boss and she would only provide basic information such as if he was healthy and when he was most likely to return.

 

"Jake is coming home?" She asked once again to make sure she hasn't heard wrongly.

 

"Yes. Um, could you please hand me to Clarke? I want to tell her?" Lexa smiled and nodded, but then she remembered that the other woman couldn't see her.

 

"Yes. She went to bed early, but I guess she will forgive me when I wake her up for this." She chuckled happily and made her way toward their shared bedroom. Normally she knew better than waking Clarke from her slumber, but right now she knew that waking her up and letting Abby tell her the great news was the only thing that was right. "Wait a second, okay?" She placed her phone on the nightstand and gently sat down next to Clarke, stroking her cheek softly. "Clarke? Niron, wake up." She whispered, hoping to wake the girl as softly as possible.

 

She heard the other girl grumble something incoherently and chuckled to herself. "Niron, your mother wants to talk to you." With that, Clarke opened one eye and glared at Lexa.

 

"That can't be as important as sleeping." She muttered, but slowly moved to get up nonetheless.

 

"Oh, believe me, this is." She smiled warmly at her girlfriend who was still trying to rub the sleep off her eyes. Lexa got up and picked up the phone from the nightstand.

 

"What?" Clarke basically spat into the speaker and Lexa couldn't help but laugh softly at her antics. Clarke Griffin was everything, but a morning person definitely not.

 

She patiently waited and watched very single emotion that was visible on the other girl's face. There was confusion, disbelief and sheer joy among others. "Dad is coming home tonight?" She asked once again, obviously still struggling with believing the great news just like Lexa had in the first place. 

 

Mother and daughter spoke to each other for another few minutes.

 

After they ended the call, Clarke turned toward Lexa, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks and a big, no, gigantic smile on her face. "My dad is coming home!" She squealed jumping at Lexa and engulfing her in a gigantic hug.

 

"I know. I am so happy for you, niron!" Tears were now also making their way down the brunette's cheeks, but she didn't care. Sha wasn't sure if she has ever witnessed Clarke this happy and being able to be there with er made her feel incredible joy.

 

There where they, both crying from happiness, entangled limbs and both so incredibly happy that there weren't even the right words for it.

 

"Please tell me that this is not a dream." The blonde said when they calmed down the slightest bit.  

 

"It isn't, Clarke. We will pick up your father from the airport in a couple of hours." She confirmed once again, knowing that that was what the blonde needed to hear.

 

"A couple of hours...this sounds unbelievable." Clarke sighs and closes her eyes, seemingly letting everything overwhelm her.

 

"Believe it." Lexa smiled and pressed a loving kiss onto those perfect lips.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	43. Don't ever let go of me again

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Here, you should eat something, niron." For the fifth time in under ten minutes, Lexa tried to make her girlfriend eat something, but once again got ignored by the pacing blonde. She could understand Clarke's nervousness, she really could but it didn't help that the blonde hasn't eaten something in hours. Not since dinner, which was now stressful six hours in the past.

 

Currently, Clarke was pacing through what felt like the whole airport with Lexa and Abby at her heels. Both didn't dare to leave the blonde in her distressed state. Of course. Abby was nervous and distraught too, but to Lexa it seemed as if she was pushing this aside in order to be there for her daughter. Hell, Lexa herself was nervous. From what she has heard, Jake Griffin was a great man with a kind soul and a big capability for understanding. 

 

Clarke has told her so much about her father. She had told her how he would hold her close when everything seemed to become too much, how he sometimes would try to convince her to tell the principal what was happening at school but never did so without her consent, how he would sing along the chords he would play on his old guitar and how he would play soccer with her in their garden when she was younger.

 

The last part had lead to Lexa asking Clarke why the blonde had given up on it. Turns out that it had been a mix out of self-consciousness, being bullied and lack of time due to the pressure Abby had put on her daughter so she would get good grades. After hearing these various, basically invalid reasons, Lexa had tried to make Clarke play again, even if it was only in their garden and just the two of them, but until now, the lack of time was standing in their way. Anyway, Lexa really hoped that Clarke could at least try it out again, but she won't pressure her.

Once again Clarke was spinning on her heels and was checking the time on her phone's display. It would still be a little over an hour until the flight would arrive.

 

"Beja, niron. Come, sit down and eat something, otherwise you might collapse and see your father while you are lying in a hospital bed." This seemed to get her girlfriends attention. Her head snapped up and for the first time in hours, she looked at Lexa. Blue eyes that looked so distraught that Lexa couldn't help but engulf her in a deep hug. Maybe this would put Clarke's feet back on the ground.

 

"What if his plane crashes? What if he doesn't come home? What.." Lexa cut Clarke off by pressing the lightest of kisses on her lips, surprising the blonde who takes a little bit longer to kiss her back.

 

"He will come home, Clarke. His flight will land in an hour from now, so please, beja niron, sit down with us and stop pacing around." She pleaded now. She couldn't take what stress Clarke was putting herself under, despite the fact that she could understand the blonde completely. 

 

There was a time where she would wait like this for her parents to return from overseas. She would, exactly like Clarke right now, pace through the airport while waiting anxiously. But she had done this so often that she knew by now that freaking out while waiting wasn't something that was worth it. Pacing wouldn't make the flight arrive earlier, it wouldn't lower the already slim risk of the plane crashing and it sure as hell wouldn't make waiting easier. Now she tried to use her experience in this matter, but until now she was rather unsuccessful.

 

"I just want to see him so badly...I have not seen him in a whole year and, and-" Lexa pressed her index finger lightly on the smaller girls lips in order to calm her down. She knew that if Clarke would get to ramble, it would most likely end in a panic attack due to the lack of oxygen and that was the last thing Lexa wanted to happen. She wanted Clarke to be happy that her father was returning and not that she was this doubtful, she wanted her to be grinning like a fool just the way she did when she finished the call with her mother. But that was easier said than done.

 

"I know, niron. But pacing around and being at the edge of a panic attack won't make his plane fly faster, okay? Please, come sit down with us. Maybe you can tell me something about your dad. I am sure there are plenty of things I don't know yet." She spoke in the calmest voice she could muster. This was her last option, if this won't work, she wasn't sure how long it would take Clarke to collapse due to exhaustion.

 

 She let out a sigh of relief, when she she was able to drag Clarke towards one of the uncomfortable metal-benches that were build in the airport. The blonde leaned her head on her shoulder and draped an arm around her waist while Lexa was drawing soothing patterns onto her back with her fingertips. This reminded Lea kind of of the first day they met, where Clarke was having a panic attack and Lexa had held her throughout it.

 

It took another few minutes for Abby to find them, but once she did so, the older woman sat don next to her daughter and her daughter's girlfriend. Lexa stiffened at first, because she still wasn't too sure if Abby actually could stand her or not, but she relaxed slightly when she saw the calm smile on the older woman's face and if she was not mistaken, there seemed to be a small glimmer of admiration in her eyes when she looked at how Clarke leaned onto Lexa for support.

 

"Everything is alright, niron." Lexa hummed into her girlfriends ear. She wasn't sure how often she has said this sentence already this night, but it would be too many times to count nonetheless. But before this time, Clarke didn't really respond to it, now Lexa felt the slightest squeeze of her waist. She looked down to see Clarke looking up at her, tears in her eyes.

 

"Thank you." The hoarse whisper was seemingly everything Clarke could do right now, but Lexa didn't care. At least did she now know that Clarke was responsive again.

 

There where a few minutes of silence, the only thing disturbing this silence where the noises of other passengers or the creepy voice that announced a flights arrival or departure, but Lexa could see in her peripheral view that Abby seemed to think about something.

 

"Everything alright, Mrs. Griffin?" She asked, not sure whether this would cross any lines, probably the older woman was going to tell her to mind her own business, but she didn't. Instead the woman looked into her eyes and donned the faintest of smiles.

 

"I have heard you calling my daughter  _niron_ a couple of times...what does that mean?" She asked and Lexa had to hide her laughter after hearing the woman's bad pronunciation. Abby couldn't have known any better, but still, hearing this term of endearment sound so foreign out of somebody's mouth was kind of hilarious.

 

"It is trigedasleng for love." Actually it means lover, but there was no way in hell that Lexa would tell her girlfriend's mother this. The look on Abby's face told her that the woman clearly didn't know what trigedasleng actually was, but who could blame her? The language is barely known and only very few are capable of speaking it. "Trigedasleng is the language of my ancestors. They were natives and back in their days this was a very common language that was used by twelve clans." She smiled, having the picture of her grandfather explaining all these things to her in her mind. 

 

"How come that I have never heard about that? I mean this seems to be a big part of the countries history?" Abby asked.

 

"Yeah well there are not a lot of books or notes about this time. My ancestors are passing the stories down by telling their children and grandchildren. Just as my grandfather did." She smiled at the fond memory. Her grandfather had been a great man and she had admired him deeply, more than her own parents. 

 

Abby hummed at that and resumed to looking straight ahead of them. There was not much left to say, Lexa knew that, still, the silence felt not entirely comfortable. Not as the silence that would sometimes spread between her and Clarke, no, that silence was totally comfortable, just as it was now. She still had her hand on the younger girl's back and Clarke still clung to her waist. Honestly, she loved how comfortable they could be without talking.

 

"How much longer?" Clarke now sounded entirely too tired and the drowsiness in her voice made Lexa chuckle lightly. Her girlfriend was just too adorable when she was tired.

 

"About forty minutes. Sleep, I'll wake you up in thirty." Lexa mumbled and pressed a gentle kiss on top of Clarke's head.

 

* * *

 

 

Despite the fact that she really didn't want to fall asleep, she couldn't help the tiredness that was overwhelming her and caused her to fall asleep. The light patterns that Lexa drew on her back were not helping either, so falling asleep seemed inevitable.

 

At least, Lexa had promised her to wake her up in time.

 

Clarke still couldn't really believe that this situation was real and not at all a dream. Her father would come home in not even an hour. The man that she hasn't seen for almost an entire year. The man who had been her lifeline once. The man who had basically raised her on his own, because Abby had been working all the time. 

 

Still, she feared that this wasn't real. It felt too good to be real, almost like the moment where Lexa had kissed her the first time. Back then, that had felt surreal, too and Clarke had feared too that it was some kind of twisted dream. But here she was, clinging to her girlfriends neat shirt, probably crumbling it in the process, waiting for her father's plane to arrive. 

 

"Clarke? Clarke, wake up, niron. We are going to pick up your father soon." Lexa's soothing voice would probably caused her to drift further into sleep, but the fact that she would see her father again soon, caused her to be wide awake all at once. She had dreaded the moment of waking up. It was like she expected to wake up in her bed cuddled into Lexa's side, but she didn't. In fact, she was still cuddled into Lexa's side, but it was not her bed but rather an uncomfortable metal bench.

 

She shot up and almost skipped into the right direction, leaving Lexa and her mother to follow her. Once Lexa caught p to her, she felt a warm hand slip into hers and didn't hesitate to link their fingers together. 

 

There was so much that she had to tell her father. Her life has been turned around completely and sadly he hasn't been there to witness it. He hasn't been there while she was finally facing the people who made her life a living hell. He hasn't been there to witness her being the happiest young woman alive when Lexa admitted her feelings toward her. He hadn't been there while she was celebrating that Finn and Murphy got their fair punishment. He hasn't been there while she was fighting with her mother so badly that she decided to move out,

 

There where so many things she had to tell him and she wasn't sure how she was going to do that, but she didn't care. The most likely scenario was that she would turn into a rambling mess and her father would tell her over and over that she should calm down.

 

They reached their destination and now stood in front of the sliding doors through which her dad would go any minute. 

 

Clarke had the desire to pace again, but a warm soothing hand stopped her from doing so. Lexa held her firmly in place and stopped her from losing it completely. Clarke knew that she shouldn't be this nervous, but still, here she was. The other people in the room were probably thinking that she was the biggest freak on earth, but she couldn't find herself to care at all. All she wanted was hug her father and tell him everything that he had missed while he was in Africa. She wanted so badly to smell his cologne again, even if she was sure that he had left it here and would most likely not smell like it. 

 

Every time the door opened, she looked up hoping it was her father, but there were at least thirty other people exiting the airport before she saw him again.

 

His hair was still the same sandy blonde tone that she remembered, he still donned his perfect smile and he wore his favorite sweater. The only thing that was different was that he had gotten a tan. Upon seeing him, Clarke stormed forward, closing the distance that almost hurt her physically. 

 

"Dad!" She exclaimed once she had buried her face in his chest. Familiar arms were engulfing her in a deep hug, on that she had missed so dearly the past year. One that made her forget about everything around her. There was only her father now hugging her. No airport, no other people and so on. It was only her father and her right now.

 

"My baby girl." He hummed into her ear and a smile that felt like it was broader than her actual face spread on her face. 

 

They stood there for what felt like an eternity, but in the same moment it felt too short. She never wanted to let go of him again, she never wanted to miss him again for this long, she never wanted to go so long without him by her side.

 

But eventually, he loosened his grip on her waist, just so that he could look at her. His smile grew even brighter when she looked back at him with her own one. "I missed you so much, honey." She whispered and once again engulfed her in a bear-hug. Clarke breathed in the scent that was familiar but devoid of the normal cologne. 

 

"I missed you too." She finally managed to get out while tears were making their way down her cheeks. She couldn't help it. Crying was something she couldn't avoid right now, simply, because it all felt too incredible, too much but still she was right now probably the happiest eighteen-year old in the entire world.

 

Suddenly, she felt another pair of arms wrap around them. She opened her eyes to find Abby smiling at her daughter and her husband. A smile that the blonde hasn't seen in what felt like ages, a smile that was almost too bright to be true. If she recalled correctly, she had never seen her mother smile like this and for once it didn't feel entirely wrong to be hugged by her.

 

Then she remembered Lexa who was most likely now standing there all alone. She almost expected her girlfriend to be gone already, simply because it took them so long to greet Jake, but when she turned around slightly, she saw that the brunette was still standing in the exact same place where she had left her with a huge smile on her face. Lexa was nodding at her, saying that it was okay and Clarke couldn't be more grateful for this quiet sentiment. 

 

After a while, they heard Jake's stomach grumble what caused them all to laugh. "I see that you haven't changed the slightest bit." Abby laughed and Clarke chuckled, too. Her father could eat mountains of food and would still be hungry, sometimes the blonde couldn't help but wonder how he manages to stay in shape despite eating this much.

 

"I know someone who could cook you the perfect mid-night snack." She glanced over to Lexa, because she knew that this girl was an excellent cook. Not that Clarke would shamelessly exploit that, she would never do that of course. But seriously, if Lexa wouldn't already have chosen law-school, Clarke would tell her that she sure as hell should go to culinary school.

 

"And who would that be?" Jake said with a suggestive undertone. "I hope it's not you, Abby, because I think we all know that even Clarke is a better cook than you." He dead panned, leaving Abby to feign being hurt and Clarke to chuckle. It was true, though, her mother sucks at cooking.

 

"No, mom will not be the one. But how about I invite you both over and then we will make introductions?" Clarke asked, knowing very well that this may all seem very weird to her father since he doesn't understand anything, because he hadn't been here, but if he was confused about this, he didn't show it.

 

"That sounds like a great plan. Maybe we could redeem your friend over there from standing there like she is waiting on the bus." Clarke rolled her eyes at his comment but chuckled nonetheless, sure he didn't know any better but even Abby was laughing right now.

 

"What?" He asked when he noticed that they were laughing at him.

 

"Oh, nothing. You will learn fast enough." Abby replied and shoved him in the direction of the exit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 


	44. What happened?

 

* * *

 

"What did you do to my beloved car?" Jake asked in shock when they walked up to Lexa's Mustang. They had picked up Abby and had driven together to the airport since it would be totally unnecessary to drive with two cars.

 

"Don't worry, dad. Your dear car is still parked in the garage. This is Lexa's." Clarke smiled at her dad, whose worried expression faded as quickly as it had appeared, but it was replaced by a frown that silently screamed questions out in the air. She could understand her father's antics. He had been gone for almost an entire year and now he was standing in front of some luxurious car that belonged to a person he didn't know but obviously was Clarke's friend. At least was that what he must think right now, since he has never met Lexa before.

 

She looked at her girlfriend and smiled when she found the brunette looking at her, keys already in her hands. 

 

"Well, this thing looks like its a lot of fun." Her father mumbled and Clarke couldn't help but laugh at his obvious panic. She couldn't believe that her father was seriously afraid of being a passenger in a Ford Mustang, hell, he was driving a bike in his free-time, which was by far more dangerous as driving as a passenger in the car of one of the best drivers of the down. Because Lexa really was a responsible driver, never driving faster than the speed-limit allowed her to do and always concentrated on the road.

 

"It's okay, dad. Lexa is a really good driver and I promise you that she will be careful." She felt bad for leaving said girl standing there like she was waiting for the sun to shine despite the fact it was fairly dark outside, but when she glanced at Lexa, the girl was smiling and nodding at her.

 

"Come on. I think we have a lot to talk about, right? So get in the car, Jake." Abby gently shoved him into the right direction, which meant, backseat. 

 

It didn't matter to Clarke that it was like three or four in the morning. She had her father back and this was something she couldn't really process. Jake Griffin was currently seated right behind her and was quietly murmuring to her mother whom she has never seen smile this brightly. Right in this moment she felt bad for what she had thought about her own mother. Clarke had always thought that she didn't really love her father and just stayed with him because she wanted to display the perfect little family, but seeing her right now, Clarke had to forget these thoughts. She had never seen her mother's brown eyes shine so brightly, not even when she told her that she wanted to study medicine. Back then, Clarke had thought that her mother looked happy, but that has been nothing compared to what she saw now. 

 

Abby Griffin was smiling like a fool and from Clarke's spot it looked like she had tears of happiness in her eyes. 

 

"Please pinch me." Clarke mumbled to no one directly. She couldn't believe that all this is true, there were just so many things that seemed unreal. The phone call from her mother, the time waiting at the airport and most certainly hugging her father...all these things seemed so, she didn't know, it just felt surreal. This was the moment she was waiting for for almost an entire year, a moment that she had awaited for so long. 

 

"I don't need to pinch you, it's real. Believe me." Lexa murmured softly so that only Clarke was able to hear what has been said and the blonde really had to fight the urge to kiss her girlfriend right now. There were several reasons why she shouldn't do it right now. The main one being her father who didn't know about anything, secondly the fact that Lexa was driving a insanely powerful car in this moment and lastly, her mother. She would thank Lexa later, but right now, right now she had to put her thoughts into the right order. How was she supposed to tell her father everything when she couldn't even get the right order?

 

_Okay,um, at first everything was like it has been for the past two years...everyone was picking on me and thought it was funny to bully me...then the first day of school, Finn and Murphy beat the shit out of me because I had chuckled at them for being reprimanded by our new teacher...then, Mrs. Woods somehow found out about it and told mom. She invited us in order to talk about things, that is where I met Lexa, anyway, I somehow managed to tell them everything because it felt like I could really trust them and  then they helped me to sue Murphy and Finn, who by the way are now in prison for a couple of years._

 

This would be the first part of the story, or at least the foundation for everything else that has happened the past year, or rather last months, because the ones before her first day as a senior were rather unspectacular. 

 

"Clarke? We are here." Lexa softly said and that was when Clarke realized that they had come to an halt in front of Lexa and her apartment. Abby and Jake were still in the backseat, chuckling at her for being somewhere else with her thoughts.

 

"A least that hasn't changed. My baby-girl, always thinking three steps in advance." Jake chuckled and then opened the door to get out.

 

"Everything okay?" Lexa asked once they were the only ones left in the car.

 

"Yes, I am just trying to find out how to tell my dad everything, since...I mean my whole life has changed. I am not the same girl I used to be because my life finally seems to go into the right direction and I am not living with them anymore because I can't stand the company of my mother for more than a couple of hours and..." She was rambling and she knew that, but she couldn't help it. Her whole mind was exploding because of the amount of thoughts swimming through her mind. 

 

"Hey..It's will be okay, You don't have to tell him everything right now. He will be around for more than just this night, okay?" Lexa's voice was so gentle and sweet that once again Clarke had to restrain herself. All she wanted was to kiss this girl right now, but then she thought of her father who didn't know anything and was now standing right outside of the car and was waiting for them to join them.

 

"What would I do without you?" She sighed with a small smile on her face. She really didn't know what she would do without Lexa by her side, without someone that was always there for her and that truly loved her.

 

"Well, I don't know, but my first guess would be starving, since I am always cooking for you." The brunette joked and laughed.

 

"That's not fair! You are always home earlier than me! And I can cook myself, thank you." She feigned being hurt and clutched the spot over her heart. Lexa knew that she could cook on her own, but that didn't change the fact that the brunette would always cook for her in the evening. (Not that Clarke was opposed to it, she definitely wasn't)

 

* * *

 

 

They made their way upstairs. 

 

"I am sorry, but I guess you have to enlighten me. Don't tell me you traded our house for an apartment. Not that I don't like it, but I loved our house." Jake questioned, which earned him a smirk from Abby and a uncertain look from Clarke. Lexa silently had retreated to the kitchen and seemed to be starting with preparing a meal for them.

 

"Ah..no. This is, um the apartment I am sharing with Lexa." Clarke mumbled and she was sure that her father hasn't understood a single syllable from what she had just said, because the confusion was written all over his face. So she gathered all her courage and rephrased her statement, understandable now. "I am living here with Lexa." 

 

"You live here?" He asked as if he hadn't understood correctly. 

 

"Yes, but there are a lot more things I have to tell you. Maybe while we are eating?" She asked, unsure how she should proceed from now on. There were far too many things she had to explain and the fact that she was now living with Lexa was really one of the minor ones. 

 

"Okay..."

 

They made their way over to the dinner-table where Lexa was already setting up the table. "I hope you all like noodles, because there was not much left that I could cook in under an hour." The brunette smiled at the family while placing some plates on the table.  Clarke smiled at her girlfriend who donned a smile, too.

 

"Thank you, Lex." She mouthed while she sat down next to her parents.

 

"So...you live here now?" Jake asked again after a quiet moment.

 

"Yes. I moved here a couple of weeks ago, but I guess I have to start a lot earlier, um...you remember Finn and Murphy?" She waited for Jake's nod and then proceeded, her voice becoming unsteadier by the second. "Well, um...the first day of school this year, we had a new teacher. Mrs. Woods... Anyway, she reprimanded them after they made some comments and I chuckled at them...after that I ran away because I was too afraid of what was going to happen, they found me nonetheless..." She had to pause and gather herself. Right now she wished for Lexa to be here more than anything else. And as if she had heard her silent pleading, Lexa appeared again and sat the pot of noodles and the sauce down on the table before she slid into the seat next to Clarke and as soon as Clarke felt a warm hand slip into her own, she got the courage to proceed. "They found me and beat me..."

 

"They what?! Clarke.." Jake exclaimed, his expression something between furious and concerned. 

 

"Yes, dad...they attacked me. I lied to everyone about my injuries, but somehow Mrs. Woods saw right trough it and she called mum and invited us over. That is where I met Lexa" She looked at her girlfriend who smiled at her reassuringly. "Anyway...somehow I felt I could trust them and then I told them everything. After that they helped me to sue Finn and Murphy which led to a trial that ended in them being arrested." Again, she was rambling, but it felt like it was the best to just spit it all out.

 

"Wait a second...you sued Finn and Murphy and you won? Wow, uh..I don't know what to say." Clarke really felt sorry for her father. He looked as if he barely understood anything of the things she had just said, while at the same time looking at her with utmost regret. "I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you, baby girl. I should have been there..." He trailed off, obviously at a loss of fitting words. Instead he got up and engulfed her daughter in a deep hug.

 

"It is okay, dad. I got so much support during all of this, so don't worry about it." She smiled at him in order to lighten his mood. "I guess you have a lot of questions... at least is that what your face is telling me right now. Ask ahead." She encouraged the man to whom she had looked up her entire life.

 

"Okay...how are you feeling? I mean do these things still bother you? I know that the whole situation somehow changed you, it already had before I left, but I mean right now...the whole thing with the two assholes." It was almost adorable to see her father this way, but she didn't say anything, because her mind was stuck. How was she feeling? That definitely was a good question.

 

"I am doing good. There are still some days where I don't feel good, but these are getting less and less." She replied and sighed. There were indeed good and bad days, but she wasn't too worried about that. Things like this don't pass like some other things, no, they leave you scarred and it needs a lot of care to let the wounds heal properly. 

 

"And your situation at school?" Jake asked, his concern was so obvious that Clarke could already hear it in his voice. This was why she had missed him so much. He truly cared and he let her feel like she was dearly loved, unlike her mother sometimes.

 

"It got better after the trial. They mostly stopped bullying me and now they let me just be. Probably are they afraid of ending in prison, too." The last sentence was a joke, but she herself didn't think of it as too funny. In all honesty, she was miserable at lightening the mood.

 

"That is great to hear.. I am so proud of you, little girl!" He reached forward to gently cup his daughter's cheek. "You are the strongest girl I know." He mumbled now.

 

* * *

 

They discussed the whole story for a little while longer, but soon they found themselves discussing some lighter topics, at least until her father brought the apartment back up. "There are still some things I don't understand...I mean I get now why you moved out. No offense, Abby, but tell me how come you decided to live with a friend who you have known for barely half a year?" His tone was light, but the confusion was audible.

 

"Well, um...I guess that I haven't told you everything. Dad, this is Lexa Woods, my girlfriend." She said, her voice surprisingly steady, but that might have come from the hand that was holding hers right now.

 

Jake gaped at the two of them. He raised his eyebrows in surprise and was visibly searching for the right words. Clarke knew that he wouldn't have any problems with her being in a relationship with a girl, but she also knew that this must be a rather big surprise for him. But eventually, he began to smile brightly. "I am happy for you. For both of you." He smiled a little moment longer, but then his expression turned serious again, or at least was that was he was trying to do. Clarke could still see the smile in his eyes. "But, since I never really got the chance to meet you and get to know you, Lexa...I have some questions. Just to ensure you are qualified to look after my baby-girl of course." He sounded mockingly serious and Clarke knew that, but Lexa didn't and she felt the brunette next to her stiffen. The last parent-girlfriend talk hasn't gone too well.

 

But this was her father and Clarke would definitely allow him to do this, since he has been truly there for her the best he could, so she gave Lexa's hand a small squeeze that told the brunette that it was alright.

 

"Okay your name is Lexa Woods. Did I pick that up correctly?" 

 

"Yes, but my real name is Alexandria Woods." Her girlfriend replied, her voice even and if she was somehow uncertain, she didn't show it.

 

"Okay. How old are you?" 

 

"I am 21, sir." This reply made Jake smile, probably because of the way she spoke with him.

 

"Are you in college?" 

 

"Yes. I am in the pre-law program of the local university in my junior year."

 

"A future lawyer...not bad, not bad. And you are the daughter of Clarke's teacher?" He asked and Clarke could see how hard Lexa was trying to contain her smile. The blonde knew that her girlfriend loved to think of Indra as the woman who truly raised her, so she knew where that expression came from.

 

"No, sir. Indra Woods is my aunt. My parents are Becca and Ryder Woods." 

 

Jake choked on his water, which caused everybody at the table to laugh. "The lawyers?" He asked disbelievingly.

 

"Yes. They were the ones to represent Clarke in the trial." Lexa smiled and waited patiently for Jake to calm down. 

 

"I guess it has been a long night...care to take a break?" Clarke interrupted her fathers further attempts to squeeze more information out of the brunette.

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are still a lot of things that Jake doesn't know, but that will follow in the next few chapters. 
> 
> Until then
> 
> Nickelback21


	45. I've missed you.

 

* * *

 

 

"When I said take a break, I definitely didn't mean for him to sleep for like twenty hours straight." Clarke mumbled while she and Lexa stood at the doorstep to the guestroom where Jake and Abby where currently sleeping in. The blonde had wanted to go there and see if her dad was still there. She had been ashamed because of this request, but Lexa had assured her that it was totally normal, since Jake had been gone for almost a whole year.

 

"Well he has been on a plane for an eternity, add a Jetlag and exhaustion. I can understand that he needs a lot of rest." Lexa whispered, not wanting to wake her girlfriends parents up. The looked so peaceful right now and she was sure that she has never witnessed Abby this calm. The woman always seems to be on the edge and it was obvious that she never really allowed herself to rest, not that that would make up for her faults but it makes Lexa understand, or at least kind of.

 

She had been pushing herself in Highschool too much, because good grades and becoming the team captain of the schools team seemed to be the only way to get her parents attention. She has never been praised for a B or even B+, no, the only grades her parents would accept were A's and so she had started to put a lot of pressure on herself. Looking back now, she thought of it as stupid. It could have gone so terribly wrong, she might have gotten depression as soon as she didn't match her parents standards anymore or she might have lost all of her friends because she never allowed herself to take a break. There were tons of other things that could have gone wrong and she was sincerely happy that none of these things actually happened.

 

She still puts a lot of pressure on herself but now she is more laid back when something doesn't exactly go the way she wants it to. Also, she allows herself to enjoy her free-time more and doesn't always spend it studying, but that was mainly because she now had something, or rather someone with whom she wants to spend her free-time.

 

Lexa tangled her fingers with her girlfriends and gently pulled her out of the doorway, just to back her up against the wall and kiss her her gently. She poured all of the things that were too complicated to express into that kiss, hoping Clarke would understand her without any words spoken. 

 

The blonde was her savior. She had saved her when she didn't think she needed help, but looking back, she definitely needed every help she could get. Her life had become monotonous and she had always had the same schedule every week. Not that she had a hard time or something like that, no, she actually should be more than happy with her own life, because she had everything one could want. Friends, money, success and good grades, but there was a big thing missing in her life. Hope. Hope of something more than just acting on a day to day basis. Hope on a brighter future. Hope on happiness.

 

Clarke Griffin was this hope for her. Being with her was like coming up for air.

 

"I really, really love you, you know that, right?" She asked while looking into blue eyes.

 

"Yes I know that. I love you too." Clarke mumbled while closing the distance between them once again. Their lips meet in a gentle, yet passionate kiss that leaves them both panting and smiling like fools. They rested their foreheads against each other and just looked into the others eyes until they heard the sound of a camera going off. Clarke groaned and Lexa chuckled when they found Jake standing right next to them with his phone pointed into their direction.

 

"Dad! Way to ruin a moment." Clarke muttered but failed to hide the smile that was forming on her lips. 

 

"Well, I already feared that you were beyond your disgustingly sweet relationship state and that I missed that part, but I obviously didn't." He smiled broadly and winked at them before turning around and disappearing once again in his room. 

 

"There is no such thing, dad!" Clarke shouted after him which caused Lexa to laugh at her girlfriends obvious embarrassment. 

 

"Of course there is, baby girl!" He shouted back and Clarke rolled her eyes at her father's response. To Lexa it seemed like this was very much like the Jake Griffin Clarke always told her about. The man who, before her, was the only one who could draw a real laugh from his daughter and who could make her smile like she did right now. What had Lexa done to deserve to witness these thing? It must have been something rather incredible, because this was something of incredible value. She can't even think about how much this beautiful smile on her girlfriends face is worth.

 

"I really like your dad. He seems like a great man." Lexa said and matched the smile on the blonde's face.

 

"He really is, but wait until you hear his lame jokes, maybe that will make you think that statement over." Clarke shook her head and Lexa laughed at her girlfriend's antics. She couldn't wait to hear the man's jokes. Her own dad had never been the one to crack a joke or two, no, Ryder Woods was mostly about strict business. Sometimes he would let the mask slip for a short while and would make some sarcastic remarks but that was already the highest amount of casualty he would allow himself to show. Her mother was even worse. Not that they weren't caring, they were, at least to an extend that was allowed by their schedule, they just weren't the casual people Lexa sometimes wanted them to be.

 

"I can't wait." She replies and pecks her girlfriend's lips one last time before grabbing her hand and leading them into the kitchen area. Side by side they cooked lasagna for late lunch or early dinner. They had cooked together almost every day, since they both loved cooking, but it wasn't rare that cooking sessions turned into rather frantic make-out sessions on the kitchen counter. 

 

That were definitely the times where Lexa loved having their own apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

"It smells fantastic!" Jake exclaimed when he came into the kitchen a little while later. Clarke had told Lexa how much her father loved lasagna, which led to them choosing to make some, since they were both sure that Jake hasn't had any in the past year at all. "Please tell me it is what I am thinking it is." He sounded so excited that it drew a laugh from both girls.

  
"Yes, dad, it's lasagna." Clarke replied. The man surged forward and engulfed his daughter in a gigantic hug.

 

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" He exclaimed before letting go of his daughter with a huge smile on his face. She chuckled and shook her head at her dad's antics. There was no way in hell that one could not like Jake Griffin.

 

When she turned around, she saw Lexa smiling at her lovingly. "What?" She asked, because there had to be a reason for this expression to show on her girlfriend's face.

 

"I love watching you and your dad. You seem really happy." The smile on her face was genuine and it made Clarke close the gap between them and kiss her girlfriend softly. How can Lexa always say these kind of things without sounding too cheesy or ridiculous? Everybody would've made a fool out of themselves by saying something like that, but Lexa? No Lexa was able to say things like this.

 

"Sorry, lovebirds. I hate to interrupt, but I am really hungry." Jake grumbled mockingly in their direction, but the smile on his face gave away that he actually liked what he saw right now. 

 

Lexa still had her arms around Clarke's waist when she turned around. "Well, now that you say it, I'd much rather kiss my incredible girlfriend right now than eat dinner with you...sorry, dad, you will have to wait." The look on his face caused her to laugh, because for just the slightest moment, she could see an actual shock written all over his features. "But I will make an excuse." She said before pecking Lexa's lips one last time.

 

They sat together, laughed and told each other stories from throughout the year. Her dad would explain how living in Africa had been and how he had felt while being there, also would he tell some stories of a friend and colleague of his who was always able to make the entire group laugh despite the dreading work and also the sad things they had to witness down there. Said dad things were for example the hunger that many people in Africa suffered from or the poverty of these people who would often live in small huts made out of clay with more than eight people. But there were also many positive things he could tell them about. Such as the children playing with a football that his organisation had donated to them and so many people that were willing to help them. A story which caused everybody that was seated at the table to laugh was the one of a small boy who one day came over to her dad and asked him if he were a god, because he looked so much different to everybody else.

 

"How about we go for a small walk and then we will drop you both off at home? I am sure you miss the house, right?" Clarke then asked. If she was being honest, she didn't want her father to leave, but she knew that they had to go home at one point or another, because everybody would want to get home when they spend a whole year abroad. 

 

"That sounds great. I'm sure you know some great routes out here, right?" Her father asked Lexa who has been living here the longest. 

 

"Well, there is no path out there that she hasn't jogged upon, so I guess you have a great guide." Clarke winked at her girlfriend who grinned at her. It was true, Lexa goes for runs almost every morning, except the ones where no time was left to do so. Mostly she takes the path that leads to the hill, but sometimes she would take another route. That depends on how demanding training or a match had been the day before. Clarke had often tried to tell her that she was allowed to take one day off every once in a while, because the whole training and running was really exhausting for her body, but her girlfriend would have none of that.

 

"Oh, really? I take you're and athlete then?" Jake asked, because he still didn't know a lot about his daughter's girlfriend.

 

"Yes. I am playing football in the team of our college." Lexa stated with a small nod and Abby and Clarke were both rolling their eyes. How could Lexa sometimes sound so incredibly cocky while sometimes leaving important details such as being the team's captain out? 

 

"She is the team's captain and the star quarterback." Clarke added now, because she didn't want her dad to think of Lexa as anything else as who she truly was. Not that Jake would judge her girlfriend, no, he wouldn't, but adding these facts seemed necessary.

 

"That's great! When is your next game? I'd love to see it." Jake smiled honestly and Clarke couldn't help chuckling at how excited her father sounded right now. It didn't match his excitement about the lasagna, but it definitely got close to it.

 

"Two weeks from now. It will actually be the finale of this semester. We will play against Azgeda." Clarke could hear the distaste in the brunette's voice. She knew that Lexa hated playing against them because they never played fair to say the least. Almost every time they played against each other, there was one person who would have to pay a doctor a visit because of a concussion, strained or even fractured ribs or in the worst case a broken arm and a broken leg. Therefore, Clarke already dreaded the game in advance, because she feared that it might be Lexa this time who won't get away without a serious injury. 

 

"Well then you have to save us some great seats, right?" 

 

* * *

 

 

They went for a small walk through the forest that was nearby, talked about a lot of things like plans for the holidays and so on but other than that they found themselves enjoying the still somewhat warm weather and the November sun. Soon it will start to get really cold and it will begin to snow, but right now the temperatures were still bearable and so they enjoyed their little walk.

 

When they returned and Lexa went to get her car, Clarke's father saw something that made him gasp. When Clarke turned around, she saw exactly what had him all shocked. His dear, dear bike wasn't parked securely in his garage but rather in a parking lot directly next to Lexa's Mustang. "Is that...my bike?" He asked disbelievingly when he turned around to face Clarke who was now looking sheepishly at the ground.

 

"Um yes? Mum and I figured that I could use it, since, uh, I have no car and so on and since I already have the license for two years..." She trailed off, not knowing how exactly to explain herself. She knew that her father wouldn't be mad, but she also knew that it was dearest thing on earth that they were talking about right now. 

 

"Hum...you rather tell me now that there isn't a single scratch on it." He sounded serious right now, not mad or angry, just serious.

 

"There isn't. You know that I am a really careful and responsible driver, dad." She now reasoned, because she really was. There was no way that she would let her attention shift to anything other than the road while she was driving, there were simply too many risks if she would do so. Driving a bike is much more risky than just riving a car because you don't really have any protection other than the helmet, the jacket and so on.

 

"And you didn't let Octavia drive with it? Or even worse...Raven?" He now asked which caused Clarke to let out a small laugh. Her father knew exactly that her friends(?) weren't really as responsible as she was (an example might be the big kitchen incident of 2014, but that is a different story right now. Lets just say it involved a lot of cleaning up and a firetruck showing up).

 

"No, dad. they didn't even touch it." She replied while shaking her head. Her father let out a sigh of relief as soon as he heard Clarke's answer which caused Abby to chuckle. 

 

"Well then...I have to check myself if you aren't lying right now, because if you are..." He didn't finish the sentence and if Clarke wouldn't have been sure about the bike's state she might have been afraid of the consequences, but seeing that she cared well for the bike she had no reason to worry.

 

Jake walked over and carefully eyed his bike like he was really searching for any scratch, but after a couple of minuted, he came back and nodded at his daughter. "You didn't lie. It is still in a great condition and thanks to you it still has been moved throughout the year."

 

"Slowly I might think that you care about this bike more than you care about me." Clarke feigned being hurt and tried to look sad, but a small laughter that was threatening to escape her throat endangered her masquerade.

 

"I am sorry, I thought you already knew." Jake played along and Clarke shook her head.

 

"Well, then...Lexa! We won't drive them back home! They can walk!" She shouted to her girlfriend who was looking at her with utmost confusion while standing next to her car.

 

"No! Forgive me! I swear I like you more than that bike." Jake replied hastily, because he knew how far he was from home. They were on the other side of the city which either meant spending a lot of money on a cab or walk for two or three hours straight.

 

"Mhm..."She narrowed her eyes at her father. "Well, since I know that this statement was made under pressure, I really don't know if it is true." She waited for another minute, simply because she wanted to make fun of her dad who was now basically looking at her with pleading eyes. "But I guess I can look past it. Now get into the car." She demanded and shoved her parents into the driection of the already waiting Lexa.

 

God, she really missed her father.

 

* * *

 


	46. A promise

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa had never seen Clarke this happy before. The last couple of days, she found the blonde smiling more often and much brighter than normal. Her eyes held a small glimmer that probably only Lexa knew of. Until now, it felt like this was something just reserved for her, but now, she knew exactly where this came from. Happiness in it's purest form.

 

And she hated the idea of making this happiness fade, but she had no choice. There was something they needed to discuss and the longer she withheld these information, the worse she felt for lying. It won't change things in the foreseeable future, but it might have a great impact on their life in a couple of years. Clarke deserved to know.

 

What she was about to tell was definitely not a bad thing, no, in fact, this was something she had dreamed of her whole life. Ever since she had picked up a football for the first time in her life. Since then, when she had been mere three years old, she had dreamed of making it far. The first years, she had gotten close to resign because it felt like the mistakes always held so much more weight than the things she had done great. Every missed pass, every lost ball, every lost game-these were all things she had a hard time to process. Sometimes she had found herself lying in her bed at night, not able to fall asleep, because she was thinking of ways she could have played better. Then, add the fact that football is a sport that is mainly played by men, who would just point at her and laugh, because she was a girl.

 

Seriously, sometimes she felt like hating the sport was easier than loving it.

 

But, her competitive mind has never allowed her to back down from this challenge. If it had any impact at all, the whole critics and mean comments only served to make her stronger, better and willing to do her best. Then, Costia had died. Football was all she had left now and it was the only thing in this world that has kept her sane in that time. The fact that didn't know for a whole year what exactly happened to Costia had been slowly driven her mad. She felt guilty for letting it happen and there was a time in which she seriously questioned life, but in the end, football has been her anchor. The sport had been there for her when nobody else ever was and so she pushed herself further, further, further. All the emotions: anger, fear, sadness, guilt..., all these emotions she had put into her play. This made her even stronger and she pushed herself farther than she deemed possible.

 

She would be lying if she said that there were not times where she would find herself crying in the restroom after a game or even in the break, but all in all, the sport was what kept her together. And now? Now she got the chance of her life.

 

NFL.

 

Her dream. The thing she has worked so hard for. 

 

A week, maybe two ago, she had gotten a call from some club-managers who really wanted to see her in the try-outs. She had told them that she needed more time and that even if she would decide to join their team, it would in no case be before she finished her degree. Football was after all only a temporary career to consider and she needed something to build her later life upon. 

 

Lexa was sure that Clarke would understand, but she was also sure that the blonde would be hurt, hurt by Lexa possibly leaving her side. There was no way in hell that Lexa would end their relationship because of the impending distance, but she wasn't sure if Clarke was on the same page as her. If not, she would truly reconsider her dream and maybe even settle with being a lawyer in her parent's company.

 

She chuckled ironically. Clarke would never allow her to do that. The blonde would do anything in her might to make Lexa follow her dreams and the brunette knew that, but what if her true and most important dream came in form of a blonde haired, blue eyed girl with a breathtaking personality? 

 

If she was being honest, football was still a thing that ruled her life and it was truly important to her, but somehow she couldn't imagine being without Clarke anymore. That was what she feared. There was a possibility that the blonde won't want to continue their relationship when they won't see each other every day. Not that it was very likely, but the possibility was there. 

 

She took a shaky breath and knocked on the door where she knew Clarke was behind, working on some piece she doesn't want to show Lexa. The brunette had the suspicion that it might have something to do with her upcoming birthday a couple of days from now. "Clarke, babe? Can I come in?" She asked when she didn't hear an answer. 

 

Now there was some bustling in the room and a paint-covered blonde stuck her head out of the door. Lexa couldn't help but smile and peck her girlfriend's lips when she saw the gigantic smile on Clarke's face. She really considered to just back down and not tell her, because she looked so happy right now, but she knew that she couldn't. Holding back this information wasn't something Clarke deserved. She deserved the truth and she will get the truth.

 

"Uh...I have something I have to tell you. It's really important so I was hoping that maybe you could squeeze in a little break?" She asked, suddenly feeling really insecure. There were so many ways how this could end and there are not even close to enough good endings. 

 

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows, but nodded and stepped out of the door, still looking at her confusedly. 

 

She led her girlfriend to their bedroom and sat down on the bed next to her. Once again she took a deep breath or rather the sad try of a deep breath. This will have a great impact on their life after all. 

 

"Um, you know how much football means to me, right?" She asked as she held her girlfriend's hand.

 

"Yes, of course I do." Clarke replied and Lexa knew that she wasn't lying. Clarke was, after all her most loyal fan and appeared at every home game of the current season. Always donning one of Lexa's jerseys or even her letterman.

 

"Okay, but you know that you and your opinion mean more to me, am I right?" She now asked, her voice sounding somewhat shaky. Normally there was nothing that could throw her off this extremely, but right now? Right now her palms were sweating, her heart was racing and she was a stuttering mess.

 

"Well, I guess. You never said that before, but I am happy to hear that?" The last sentence was sounding like a question, showing the blonde's obvious confusion about the whole situation. Not that Lexa blamed her, everything must sound rather cryptic right now.

 

"Good. As you know, there are some NFL scouts attending one game or another, who are looking for future players for their teams. Anyway, um, I kinda got some calls the last two weeks?" She looked at Clarke, trying to figure out what the blonde was thinking. The shocked expression on her girlfriend's face was quickly replaced by a huge smile and a cheer. 

 

"Oh my god, Lex! That is great! You really made it! I am so proud of you, babe!" The blonde exclaimed while engulfing Lexa in an intimate embrace, kissing her with an excitement matching the one in her voice. 

 

Lexa would lie if she would say that she had expected this. There was a whole range of emotions and scenarios that she had had in her head, but this excitement was clearly rather at the end of that list. 

 

After processing what was happening, she finally found herself returning the kiss with all her pent up emotions. She knew that there were still a lot of things unsaid that needed to be talked about, but right now, Clarke felt too good against her. The blonde had her hands clasped behind Lexa's neck which caused the distance between them to become non-existent. 

 

They stayed like this for several minutes, only breaking the contact when needed, but in the end, it was Lexa who drew back. She wouldn't allow this to go any further without having talked about the details. She wanted to make sure that Clarke was still as excited as she was right now when she caught the whole extent of this decision.

 

"I told them that I will finish my degree first before playing for any team, but that will be in a year and that will be when you are in college and then I would have to maybe leave and we won't see each other for weeks and..." A pointer finger on her lips stopped her from rambling further and further. When she looked up, she found a gently smiling Clarke looking at her lovingly.

 

"I love you." Was all the blonde said. But, with these three words she said so much more than that. Lexa understood the true meaning behind the sentiment.

 

_Together we will make it. Together we will withstand the distance and together we will live our happy ending._

 

She was surprised how much meaning these simple words held right now. It was a promise of a shared future, despite the problems they will encounter. She looked at Clarke while feeling so much love for this girl sitting in front of her right now. Her glance wandered down and she caught the necklace she had given to Clarke all this time ago. The one from her grandfather that now also held the promise ring that she had bought for Costia years ago. She had gifted these things to Clarke because she wanted the blonde to understand how much she meant to her. A necklace with the two most personal things seemed not enough right now.

 

When they first met, she had met a shy, withdrawn and scarred girl who was haunted by the things that have happend to her. Now, though, she was sitting in front of a strong girl that held her heart in her hands. She couldn't believe how lucky she was to have found Clarke. The blonde had become a part of her life that she couldn't live without. 

 

Before she had met Clarke, she had been solely fixated on college and football while trying to drown all the sadness, anger and confusion about Costia being gone. Then, the blonde had stormed int her life and had finally given it a sense again.

 

Carefully she reached out and touched the ring on the necklace. What she was about to say wasn't planned at all and there was a possibility of it being strange, but she needed to get it out. Before she could, though, the blonde opened her mouth.

 

"She would have been proud of you, Lex. There is no way she couldn't be." Her voice was so soft and gently that Lexa felt tears well up in her eyes. She loved that Clarke accepted that part of her history without questioning. It felt like the blonde saw it as a part of Lexa and she couldn't be any more exact. Costia was a part of Lexa and she will always be. The fact that Clarke accepted that made her hear swell in her chest and if that was even possible, it made her fall deeper in love with this girl.

 

She closed the distance between them and once again kissed her girlfriend passionately. "Wear it." She choked out when they both pulled apart to get some air. 

 

"What?" Clarke asked, looking at her surprised. She herself hadn't expected the words to slip her lips, but now, now that she had said them, she wanted to scream them out again. It wasn't an engagement, but it was a step into a shared future, a promise of a shared future.

 

"I want you to wear the ring, Clarke. I know that this might seem weird and all, but I really, really love you and I want nothing else beside spending my life with you. Someday, somehow I will exchange that ring with a real engagement ring, but for now I want to make a promise. I promise to never stop loving you. I promise to do my best to make you happy and I promise to be there for you. Can you promise me that, too?" She asked carefully. 

 

"Yes, Lex! Of course." The blonde said excitedly with a huge smile on her face. 

 

Carefully and with shaking hands, Lexa took the ring of the necklace and placed it on the blonde's finger. She hadn't known if it would fit Clarke, but when it did, she smiled brighter than ever. 

 

Clarke was, is and will be hers. Forever.

 

* * *

 


	47. What a mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this turned out more emotional than intended. At first this chapter was only supposed to be about Clarke stressing about thanksgiving with their families, but well, then this happened. I planned on giving a certain character (you'll see who) more backstory since they didn't show up in the story often. I hope you'll enjoy.

 

* * *

 

 

Today it felt like school would never come to an end. It dragged on and on, while Clarke desperately tried to focus on the things her teacher was babbling in front of her. If she wasn't mistaken, he was talking about something related to osmosis, but she wasn't really sure right now. Normally, she loved biology lessons, as well as chem lab and so on, but today? Today the only thing she wanted was to get back home to Lexa.

 

Home. It was strange how fast the meaning of a single word can change. Before she had met Lexa, home had been the house she had lived in with her parents. The one with the far too many rooms and unnecessarily huge garden in the suburbs. Now, though, home was something entirely different. Home was coming into Lexa and her apartment near the campus, kissing her girlfriend after a hard day of school and cooking dinner together. These were only a few parts of her definition for home, but they mirrored what she was feeling. Looking back, she had never had these things in her life before. Her parents had always been at work when she came home and she had been mostly the one to make dinner for their little family, since her mother would come back far too late and her father was a horrible cook.

 

Now these things were a solid part of her life and she thought that she could never go without them again. Going without them would mean going without Lexa and that was something she really didn't want to.

 

Yes, the distance that will be put between them once Lexa signed a contract was kind of like going without Lexa, but the promise they had made each other stopped her from worrying about that. Lexa had promised her that they will make it through that time and so had she, so was there a point in worrying at all? The ring on her finger proved that there wasn't any reason.

 

She gently traced the material of the ring. It was a smooth, simple ring made out of platinum with a single, little white stone embedded in it. The fact that it was so simple made might cause some ceased eyebrows and so on, simply because everybody knew that Lexa had an enormous amount of money and so nobody would expect it to be this simple.

 

In Clarke's opinion, though, it was perfect. A perfect refection of who Lexa was. The older girl wasn't someone who liked to brag about her money, nor was she someone to spend a ton of money on something like this. Some might say that that means that Lexa doesn't value their relationship, but Clarke knew better. She knew that Lexa thought the same as her. 

 

Once again, Clarke found herself thinking about their future. She knew that they could make it through the distance, but still, she really didn't like thinking about it. This was Lexa's dream that came true and so she will gladly support her girlfriend, even if she feared that this could make things hard. She already had hated to not have her father around. What would happen when she wouldn't get to see Lexa anymore? 

 

The bell rang and ripped her out of her thoughts. Fucking finally. She was free for this day and could finally go and see her wonderful girlfriend who would be at home, waiting for her to return since she has no afternoon classes on Tuesdays.

 

Thinking of date...Clarke quickly ran over in her head how long it was until thanksgiving. She and Lexa would be hosting the family dinner for both of their families this year and she wanted it to be absolutely perfect. Not, that she felt like she needed to prove herself to her own parents, much rather she wanted to show the Woods how well she and Lexa clicked. Not that she was doubting their support, but to her it felt important to prove herself to Lexa's parents. They were the Woods after all and sometimes it felt as if she was not truly living up to their standards. 

 

In the time they worked with her during the trial, they were nothing less than amazing and supportive. Still, sometimes she could feel their critical gazes on her every time Lexa would take Clarke with her to a fancy dinner or something similar. It's in no means offending, but Clarke wants to show them that she could be the perfect future daughter in law. 

 

Maybe wanting to prove herself didn't even come from Lexa's parents alone. Clarke was sure that this was a trait that she might have developed when she was being bullied. All the time she had never been enough. In nobody's eyes she had been enough and again and again she had found herself wanting to prove to everybody that she was worth it. That she was fun. That she was a human being with emotions. That she was Clarke Griffin and that this was enough. 

 

She had worked her ass off for getting the good grades she had now. Not only to please her mother, no, it was also a way to prove to everybody else, including herself, that she can very well accomplish things. That she can make it far with her pure will-power. Sometimes this need to prove herself to everybody had felt suffocating. It was like nothing was ever good enough. A B in chem lab was far off her goals and she had found herself depressed for days, because she felt stupid. 

 

To others this might seem really stupid. To Clarke, it made perfect sense. Being successful had been her last way to make it out of her downwards spiraling life. But did it help? No. It didn't. 

 

Now, the thought of only having a couple of days, namely two, left to prepare everything, came crushing down on her. Two days to make the perfect thanksgiving-dinner, to clean the apartment and to do the normal amount of work. 

 

"Oh fuck!" She exclaimed, though she didn't plan on saying it out loud. And if she was being honest, she wouldn't even have noticed that she did in fact say it out loud, if it weren't for the chuckle from behind her. 

 

Bracing herself for the next brick thrown at her head, she took a deep breath and slowly turned around to see who was making fun of her. She had expected everyone. Some freshmen, or even juniors that have heard that she was an easy target, but she certainly didn't expect her. Anya Woods was leaning against the lockers and smirking at her mischievously. 

 

 _That brat was the last thing I can need right now_. She thought while sighing. Anya had been one of the people who liked to vent their frustration by using Clarke for it. She had never become physical, but verbally she had been more than insulting sometimes. Her comments had always hit a rather sore spot and made Clarke want to run. 

 

But then, then she had shown up as a witness at the trial. Apologizing for everything and making sure that Finn and Murphy would get what they deserve. 

 

To sum up, Clarke has no idea what she was supposed to think about her girlfriend's cousin. 

 

"What got you all worked up, Griffin?" Her tone was not in any way insulting, nor was it like it had been before. The younger Woods sounded serious, which was a first.

 

"Anya? What are you doing here? I thought Mr. Abrams was sick today?" Clarke asked. Mr. Abrams was an economics teacher at their school and by chance, she had picked up on the fact that this was Anya's class. So, why was the younger Woods still here? 

 

"Yes, he is, but I had to work on an assignment and it was also fitting because I was waiting on you." Clarke raised her eyebrows at the girl who was standing in front of her. Somehow it always felt as if Anya was bored by everything that surrounded her. Her posture had no real tension and Clarke found her more often than not scrolling mindlessly through her phone. 

 

"Why where you waiting on me?" Clarke spat out, sounding more annoyed than intended. "I am sorry. That sounded too harsh, but seriously. Why would you wait on me?" She asked again, this time was her voice a slight bit milder. There was no reason to show the hidden hatred for the younger Woods, not when she wasn't entirely sure if she hated her at all. God, this girl was so confusing.

 

"It's alright. You have every right to hate me after what I've pulled off in the past. I can only say sorry again, but that will probably not be enough. I only hope that me showing up as a witness told you how sorry I am." Never had Clarke heard Anya's voice sound so tender. Not even then when she was speaking to Raven, who was still her girlfriend. She sounded so serious that it was almost impossible to not believe her. 

 

Clarke hated it when she couldn't figure human beings out. Normally she was excellent at it. Her past and her current situation have taught her to look at the close details to get the bigger picture, but somehow these smaller details were confusing her right now. How could someone who held themselves so lax, sound so serious at the same time? How could someone with such a bored expression have a honest expression at the same time? All these things were confusing Clarke to no end and that was what was really frustrating, she figured. It wasn't that she hated Anya for what she did, she rather hated how she couldn't figure her out.

 

She took a deep breath and sighed. "It clearly stunned me that you actually showed up. I thought you were a typical case of leaving everyone to fight for their own luck as long there is no benefit in helping them for you." Clarke said, her eyebrows still furrowed. There was no way she would forgive this easily, not even after what the younger Woods has done for her. Her trust was still held by only a small group of people. Lexa, her parents and maybe Indra Woods. Otherwise, she was still careful with trusting anybody. Too often has she been hurt and too often has her trust been abused.

 

"I made a really bad impression then, didn't I?" Anya sighed. "Listen. I know that you won't just look past it and I won't ask you to do so, but I want to talk t you about something. Something that might help you understand. And even if that will help, I will still not ask you to forgive me, okay? Nothing can justify what I have done to you, I am aware of that, but please. Hear me out." The way the dirty-blonde haired girl now pleaded was only fueling Clarke's confusion towards her. 

 

It was good that Anya knew that nothing will make Clarke forget. It was a sign of awareness from the younger Woods. But what the hell would she like to talk about with Clarke? It wasn't as if they were friends who shared stories, nor was there a reason why Anya would approach her now. 

 

"It's just something nobody knows of  and I feel like you would understand me and that you would listen to me." Anya proceeded, leaven Clarke even more confused. It wasn't as if Clarke could give anyone any advice. She was still too young to have enough life-experience for that. But, to her it felt like this was something Anya really needed to talk about and from her own life she knew how good it felt to have someone who just listens to you and your problems. 

 

"Okay." She sighed. "Where do you want to go?" It felt like this was something the younger Woods would rather not discuss in public, because otherwise she might have already gotten over with it. 

 

"The bleachers?"

 

* * *

 

 

The way over to the bleachers they barely spoke to each other. Clarke sensed the rather tense posture that Anya displayed and the uneasiness was almost touchable. She wanted to give the space she would need, because she knew how hard it was to talk about personal stuff to others. The disastrous talk with Indra was the best example for that.

 

Now that they sat down, Anya seemed to have collected herself. The slightly younger girl looked at Clarke with so much emotions in her eyes that Clarke once again began to question what would be able to make the otherwise so cool girl seem so off. 

 

"I have never really talked about this. My mom only knows the rough gist. Lexa is the only other person who knows about this." Anya began. "You know that we just moved here in summer, right?" She asked, which was answered by a nod. Clarke had decided to listen to the younger Woods and so she will do just that. "Okay. Anyway, um, at my old school, a private school in Chicago, things weren't too rosy. My aunt and uncle were paying for my education back then because my mother was in Brazil for a year. She worked there for free to give the children there some education at all and so her brother stepped in and helped us out. Anyway, that doesn't even really matter, but yeah, the point is that at this school, I was some kind of outsider, I guess? I never fit into their drawers. The people there were like really snobby and arrogant, which I bot wasn't. I am not trying to say that I lived through the same things as you did, because I didn't, no, I haven't been bullied, not really. They rather ignored me, saw me as a byproduct of their day to day life. Nobody talked to me other than asking for homework and so on." Anya looked up for the first time since she had begun to talk.

 

What Clarke saw, shocked her. Tears were slowly making their way down the perfectly chiseled cheekbones. She had never seen Anya cry before. The girl always was the tough one and never seemed to display any emotions at all. But this? This was something that told Clarke how vulnerable Anya was now. How vulnerable she was allowing herself to be. 

 

At first the story had seemed absurd. There was no way that Anya wasn't the popular one for once. But, when Clarke thought it through, she understood. She understood what the girl was trying to tell her. 

 

Anya had been mean to her because everyone at school was. Being suddenly the nice one would put her into the same situation as at her old school. She would once again end up at the end of the social chain of school. And that had been what the younger Woods had feared. Going through that nightmare again wasn't something she could think of.

 

the fact that Clarke understood, didn't make her forget and of course not forgive. Not entirely. But, it was a step into the right direction.

 

"I guess you understand now. There was nothing I feared more than ending there again. What I forgot, though, is that I put you through something that is so much worse than what I have lived through. When Lexa first found out about my unbearable behavior, she yelled at me like she never did before. I swear I was downright scared by her words back then, because they were so true. She told me that there are people who are killing themselves because of this. I know that it has been quite a while since then, but the words have never really left me alone again. That was why I showed up as a witness. I wanted to make things right, because I finally understood. I understood that what I've done is so much worse than everything that could have happened to me. I know that you won't just forgive me now and I wouldn't allow you to, but I want to make things right. I want to apologize for everything and I want to make a promise." Anya looked at her with pleading eyes, waiting for her acceptance. 

 

Clarke ran the words over in her head again. She was awestruck by how exactly they hit the core of the issue. The fact that Anya didn't ask for her forgiveness showed her how much thought the younger Woods has actually put into this. 

 

Clarke found herself willing to forgive, even if it might take a lot of time and work. Maybe they could get past it at some point in the future. So Clarke nodded, waiting for Anya to make her promise.

 

"I promise you that I will do everything in my power to change things for you. I promise that I won't bother you anymore and I promise you that I will be there for you if you need somebody to listen. I know that you already have my cousin for that, but sometimes it feels good to have another person to talk to. I don't share your experiences but I feel like I can understand t some degree. So please, accept my promises." She pleaded. Anya still let Clarke decide whether or not she allowed herself to trust her and that was what Clarke finally convinced. 

 

"I accept, but it will take me a lot of time. Trusting somebody isn't easy." The last sentence was barely above a mutter, but the expression on the younger Wood's face told her that it had been heard.

 

"Take all the time you need. As I see we will be spending a lot of time together in the future." She pointed at the ring on Clarke's finger and the blonde couldn't help blushing.

 

"Thank you." 

 

"Stop. I have to thank you. Thank you for hearing me out."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter's title is based on one of my favorite ballads by Nickelback. It's called mistake and is barely known, but I feel like it deserved a lot more attention since it really is a great, emotional song. Anybody who might be interested might want to listen to it;)
> 
> Anyway, have a good day and take care.
> 
> Nickelback21


	48. Thanksgiving

 

* * *

 

 

"Is the turkey ready? Oh my god I forgot the stuffing, didn't I?!" Clarke exclaimed panicked, while Lexa just chuckled and placed a sweet kiss on her girlfriend's cheek. Clarke was the most adorable person on the whole world when she was nervous, so Lexa couldn't help herself. It was really tempting to shock her and say that she really forgot the stuffing, but she didn't want to stress the blonde further. Lexa wasn't sure how much more it would take until Clarke would pass out from the whole stressing.

 

"No, babe, you didn't forget the stuffing. And yes, the turkey is ready. Now go upstairs and dress, I got the cleaning handled." Lexa offered, knowing that it would take Clarke at least an entire hour to get ready for dinner with their families. They had already chosen the outfits the day before, but by now, Lexa knew that Clarke wouldn't stick to that. She gave her girlfriend ten minutes before she would come back, freaking out about what to wear.

 

"What about the vegetables? Is the-" Clarke began to ramble, but Lexa didn't let her proceed. Instead, she gently pressed their lips together, instantly feeling how Clarke relaxed slightly. Sometimes it was really creepy how each of them knew what the other needed. 

 

"Everything is ready, just you aren't, so go. I'll handle the cleaning and will finish everything up." Lexa mumbled against her girlfriend's lips. 

 

After they parted, Clarke rushed into their bedroom, while Lexa busied herself with cleaning up the mess they had made while cooking an entire thanksgiving-dinner by themselves. Abby had offered to help them out, but Clarke had been insistent that they were very well capable of doing it in their own. Lexa personally would have liked the extra pair of hands but for Clarke's sake, she had kept quiet. She knew that this was really important to her girlfriend. And she also knew that the doctor wouldn't have been much of a help, considering that Clarke had told her over and over that Abby wasn't a really good cook.

 

Somehow to Clarke this was a way of proving herself to her mother and, what Lexa almost found ridiculous, to Lexa's mother. The blonde wanted to present herself as the perfect future daughter in-law, which was really cute on one hand, but entirely unnecessary on the other hand. Lexa's parents basically adored Clarke. Always talking about how kind and strong she is.

 

If she didn't know any better, she would say that they were planning on replacing Lexa with Clarke in the future. Yet, Clarke wanted to prove herself to them. Lexa knew that this was a character trait the blonde had gained due to never being good enough. Everyone has always told her that she wasn't good enough for them and so she had begun to find ways to prove herself to them. It wasn't healthy and Lexa had told Clarke just that, but they came to the conclusion that it will take years to really get past this.

 

Years they will spend together, working for a great future. Working to make Clarke not forget but rather live with everything that has happened to her. Sometimes things felt so surreal to Lexa. It felt like yesterday when she had Clarke in her arms for the first time, the day they had met. Thinking back, she couldn't be more grateful for how things turned out and how things were improving now. Back then, Clarke had been a closed off young woman who had no real desire to talk to anybody about the thing that were happening to her. Now though? Now Clarke has grown to be a kind of confident woman who tries to stand up for her rights. They still had a long way to go, but together they could take on every challenge life throws at them.

 

Two days ago, Clarke had come home late and at first Lexa had been really worried. She had been worried that once again someone might have taken their anger out at Clarke or something like that. If she was being honest, Lexa had always made her way to her girlfriend's school to check on her, but she didn't.

 

It wasn't that she didn't trust Clarke, that was definitely not the case. Clarke was 18 years old and very well capable of caring for herself, but Lexa has the desire to be there for her girlfriend whenever needed. 

 

So, what she definitely hadn't expected was that Clarke would tell her that Anya had been waiting on the blonde after class to talk to her about her time at the private school she attended. Honestly, Lexa's mouth had been wide agape when Clarke told her the things Anya had shared with her. Her younger cousin barely talks about that time, okay well, she really never does. To her it was the worst time of her life and she only trusted Indra with the rough details and Lexa with the entire story. Back then, Lexa had done everything in her power to allow Anya a good restart at a new school. She had been there when Anya couldn't sleep due to nightmares, she had been there when something triggered her fears and she had been there to make Anya see what she herself has become. They got really close because of all this, but when Lexa found our what her younger cousin had been doing to Clarke, their relationship strained.

 

That was also the reason why she lost it this extremely when she confronted Anya about this. Anya had been through a lot too and knew how it felt to be the outsider, yet, she chose to bully Clarke just like everybody else. Back then, Lexa had been so disappointed and she couldn't really stand the thought of having to deal with her cousin.

 

Now, hearing that Anya was really trying showed her that Anya was still human. It wasn't that she forgave her for what she's done, but now she at least thought that she could deal with her cousin on thanksgiving. They had invited Indra and Anya too, since they have spend almost every thanksgiving together in the last twenty years. Anya of course was a later addition, but still, she has spent almost every thanksgiving with them.

 

Her younger cousin has even called and asked them if she could help them with anything, but they had friendly declined...if Abby wasn't allowed to help, then Anya wasn't allowed to too.

 

* * *

 

 

A little over an hour and three dressing crises later, the guests arrived, leaving no room for Clarke to panic anymore. Lexa had watched with a smirk how well Clarke showed her nerves to the side and greeted the guests with some confidence.

 

After formalities had been exchanged, they all sat down at the large dinner tablet, that is barely used by Clarke and Lexa themselves. Now though, seeing their families sitting there together was a view that made the brunette swoon. Somehow she had never looked forward to any dinner with her family, but right now with Jake and Abby as well as Raven and Octavia sitting with them at the table, she couldn't help the warmth that spread in her chest.

 

Jake was cracking his usual jokes, Raven and Anya were bickering around and Abby and Becca were engrossed in a conversation. All in all, this didn't go at all as she has expected. She had expected her parents to act as if they were at some business-dinner and definitely not expected them to mingle so well with the others. The view of both of their families feeling so at ease made Lexa feel at peace.

 

When they had been preparing for this evening, she had hidden her nerves so she could be there for Clarke who had been positively freaking out. Now though, she finally could feel herself relaxing from all the stress. Their food has been praised great deal and there hasn't been a moment of awkward silence between their guests. So all in all it was a great evening. 

 

"Tell us, have you chosen a team yet?" Jake asked after the topic of her future NFL career was brought up by Anya. 

 

"Well, um," She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Her parents were still not entirely fond of the idea of her pursuing football before settling down and start a job at their company, so she really needed to sound convincing. Is she was being honest, she still had no idea where to go. She had some really promising offers from very good teams but hasn't decided yet. "I have offers form the Philadelphia Eagles, Kansas City Chiefs, Jacksonville Jaguars and the New England Patriots. There are some others but these are the ones I am honestly taking into consideration." She supplied. The fact that these teams were all quite good would maybe convince her parents but if she knew them correctly, these names were worth nothing to them.

 

"Only the to teams, I see. But you do plan on finishing school at first?" Jake asked, sounding serious. Clarke had told her at some point that Jake really values a good education.

 

"Yes. I made it unmistakably clear that they will have to wait for another year and a half so I can finish school. The offers still stood after that and so there will be no issue with finishing my degree first." She stated confidently. Maybe this aspect would calm her parents down.

 

"But after playing football, you still plan on taking over our company, right?" Her father asked, which surprised her to no end. Ryder was a rather quiet man outside of his job and never really talks about his opinions, but it was a great sign that he showed interest in her plans now.

 

"Well, after football I definitely plan to work in your company. And at some point, when I feel ready for it, I will start to take over, but that will not be for another five to ten years. " She replied. Her parents knew of her plans, yet they asked her over and over again, hoping that she would change her course of action. But, by now they should know that it was a battle they will not win. It wasn't that she didn't want to be the CEO of Woods Inc. at some point, but right now she had other plans. Hell, she was twenty one, soon twenty two. She had so much time left.

 

 "Lexa and I also already spoke about the upcoming distance that will be put between us due to her career. So before you ask, we got it all settled." Clarke supplied with a small wink, directed at Abby who looked as if she was about to argue.

 

"I really like how ambitious you are, Lexa. You are so young and yet you accomplished a lot in your life." Jake said honestly, proud audible in his voice. "I couldn't have asked for a better future daughter in law." He winked and smirked when he saw how both, Clarke and Lexa's mouth fell wide agape. The hadn't told them about that part yet and still Jake knew.

 

"Well, um," Lexa could feel herself getting beet-red. There were so many more gentle and better ways to discuss something like this with their families. Well, she could argue that it was only a promise and no engagement, but that wouldn't feel right. It felt like so much more and now reducing it to the word promise was something she couldn't even think of.

 

"Oh my god, please tell me I'll have a bunch of grandchildren!" Becca exclaimed, which caused Lexa to look at her own mother as if she had seen a ghost. What the hell!? It has always felt as if her mother was rather struggling with getting older than actually wishing to do so. Lexa would have expected her to yell at her when she would tell her at some point in the future that they were planning on expanding their family. Yet, here she was looking at her own mother who looked at her with almost childish giddiness in her posture.

 

"Uh-" Lexa felt herself at a loss of words. She and Clarke haven't seriously talked about this since they are both far too young right now. The only thing they had talked about was that they both wanted children at some point in the future. When the have settled down of course. Maybe after Lexa's football career, but definitely not sooner.

 

"We are still pretty young. Lexa turns 22 on December 7th and I will turn nineteen on April 3rd, so that isn't really something we have talked about. But we are sure that we want children at some point." Clarke stated confidently which caused Lexa to look at her adoringly. How could anybody be this perfect?

 

* * *

 

 

After the small football-work-baby incident, the conversation flowed easily between them. 

 

When everybody decided that it would be the right time to go home, Lexa and Clarke found themselves seeing everybody out. Together they stood in front of the building, waving at their families while Lexa had an arm draped around Clarke's waist.

 

"That went great! My mother didn't even complain about the food!" Lexa cheered which caused Clarke to giggle. Normally, Becca would always pick apart her food and tell Lexa what should have been done differently. But today, her mother had even complimented them.

 

"We must have gotten a good day. Even Raven and Octavia behaved." Clarke mumbled while cuddling closer to her girlfriend to stay warm.

 

"Anya had Raven whipped. I mean look at them it's so adorable to see how soft someone like Anya can be around someone she loves. And I am almost 100 percent sure that Anya bribed her with something into behaving today." Lexa chuckled to herself. This would be a way Anya would go when trying to make up for her faults. Trying to make this evening easier for everybody was one way Anya would go to gain forgiveness. It still wasn't enough, but it was a small step into the right direction.

 

"And as long as Raven behaves, Octavia does too. Otherwise they tend to try to top each other in stupidity." Clarke shook her head at her friends' antics. 

 

"Lets just say we got incredibly lucky today. Even when the whole thing threatened to end questioning our future." Lexa smiled at her girlfriend and gently kissed her.

 

"Our future. That sounds great...- By the way, felt it weird for you too when your mother was freaking out about grandchildren?" Clarke asked, suddenly sounding insecure.

 

"Oh yes, it really was. I looked at her as if she has suddenly grown a beard or something like that. I would've never expected that." Lexa shook her head in disbelief.

 

"Well, at least we already have a babysitter." Clarke grinned and pecked Lexa's lips before turning around to make her way back inside.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	49. Happy birthday, love

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The days until Lexa's birthday went by faster than both of them expected. They both have been quite busy so they didn't really notice the time passing until it was only one night away. 

 

Lexa had wished for a rather quiet birthday since she has been partying a lot in the last couple of months due to the success of their team. They still had the rule that after a victory, someone from the team will host a party for them. Lexa never got slammed at those but she still enjoyed having a nice drink with her friends. She knew that drinking wasn't the best for someone who was planning on playing in the NFL, but hey, she was in college so she might as well enjoy one or two drinks in one night. But, she will never allow herself to get hammered beyond control.

 

Since Clarke respected her girlfriend's wishes, she had refrained from organizing a surprise party for Lexa. She would have really liked to do something like that but it wasn't her own birthday and she wanted Lexa to actually enjoy her birthday. So, instead of throwing a party, she had opted for organizing a date for the two of them, which will end in a nice dinner. 

 

She knew that Lexa wasn't too close with her parents so she knew that her girlfriend wouldn't be too upset when she would find out that it's just the two of them.

 

Clarke had finished her drawing for Lexa a couple of days ago, always careful to paint while her girlfriend was not at home. And, when Lexa would come home, she hid the painting. She still wanted it to be a surprise.

 

So, when the day approached, the sun still hidden behind the buildings and soft hills, Clarke crawled out of their bed. It almost took a painfully huge amount of time to do so, since Lexa was wrapped all around her and she absolutely didn't want to wake the brunette. 

 

So she made it a couple of minutes later to the kitchen and started preparing breakfast for her love. She made some scrambled eggs and fried some bacon and prepared some bread. This day should start perfectly and therefore she made some nice breakfast.

 

Once she was ready, she lit a small candle on top of a small pastry she had baked the day before and made her way back. With a huge smile on her face, she stepped into their bedroom. Lexa was still soundly asleep and so she decided to gently wake her with singing happy birthday for her girlfriend. 

 

She started off relatively quiet and increased her volume later on, gently sitting down next to Lexa on the bed, while the brunette was rubbing her eyes with a slight grin on her face. Carefully she pushed a strand of lose brunette hair behind Lexa's ear, which was answered by a hand coming to rest on her own. 

 

"Happy birthday, babe." Clarke was smiling brightly when green eyes were visible for the first time today. She still could get lost in their depth, she could still link them to her fondest memories made in the woods. It was almost ridiculous that this has such an impact on her.

 

"Thank you, niron." Lexa replied while leaning up to press a gentle kiss onto Clarke's lips. Both of them were smiling so the kiss was far from perfect, but to them it was the most perfect thing in this world.

 

"You made me breakfast?" Lexa asked, pointing at the tray that rested on the nightstand. The single candle was still lit and next to the slowly rising sun the only source of light in the room. "Oh my god! You made your scrambled eggs!" Lexa exclaimed after she took a second glance at the food. 

 

"Only the best for my love." Clarke shrugged, feeling slightly flustered at the compliment. They had both agreed that Clarke's scrambled eggs were otherworldly, but what to expect when you had years of practice cooking them for your dad and yourself? She had always loved how her father's eyes would light up when he saw some freshly cooked scrambled eggs on the stove when he came home from a hard day of work. Now seeing this same expression on Lexa's face was one of the greatest gifts she could have ever asked for. Not that scrambled eggs were something totally eternal, but it were the little things like this that made her day a great one. She hoped Lexa felt the same about it.

 

Apparently, she did. Because Clarke was pulled into a searing kiss. The blonde couldn't help chuckling at her girlfriend's antics. "I can't believe you are this excited about some eggs." She shook her head, a wide smile in place.  

 

"These are not just some eggs, Clarke. These things are heaven." The brunette defended herself with a pout which made Clarke let out a soft laugh. 

 

"Then better start eating Commander. You'll need it." She winked and chuckled when she watched the slightest blush form on her girlfriend's features.

 

* * *

 

 

The day went really great. At first, they took the walk over to the hill where they first kissed, then Clarke drove them over to the small lake that was hidden in the Woods. Right there Lexa had asked her to be her girlfriend a couple of months ago and yet it felt like yesterday. Some might say that it was incredibly cheesy that Clarke wanted to take Lexa to all the special places they had made some memories, but somehow that fitted perfectly for them.

 

Because there is no way they could deny that they are a sappy couple, because that simply was what they were. 

 

A while ago, Clarke had always feared to be in a incredibly sappy and cheesy relationship, but now? Now she thought that she could've not asked for a better thing on this earth. With Lexa by her side these things became so naturally that she didn't even think of it. 

 

Right now they sat on the same log like they did back when Lexa had asked her to be her girlfriend and were simply kissing. Nobody else was around and they had the whole area to themselves. 

 

When they needed to take a break in favor of getting some oxygen, she opened her eyes and found Lexa silently crying in front of her. She felt her own breath hitch in shock and her mind started spinning out of control. What did she do? Why was she crying? Did I hurt her? All these question rushed through her thoughts withing three seconds, but then Lexa finally opened her eyes too. Her expression told Clarke that these weren't tears that were shed because of sadness or hurt, no, the were shed because of pure happiness. Lexa looked at her with so much awe in her eyes that it made Clarke's eyes water too. 

 

"What's up?" She still found herself asking. Better be safe than sorry. Because there still was the possibility that she had read the brunette's expression wrongly or that Lexa was just trying to put on a mask for her. Not that she ever did that, but Clarke could imagine that she would do it right now, just to make Clarke feel good. 

 

"A year ago, I was alone on this day. My parents stopped by for some dinner but otherwise I was alone. I told my teammates that if anybody would come up with the brilliant plan to throw some party, I would make them run laps till they break down," Lexa chuckled and shook her head. "It was a phase where I wasn't sure if I was allowed to feel happy again. Costia's death hasn't been too far in the past and I found myself between the chairs. On the one hand I knew that all Costia ever wanted for me was to be happy, to live life and to enjoy every day but on the other hand, I still felt so incredibly guilty. So, instead of having some fun on my birthday, I went to her grave. I cried silent tears and just stood there and talked to her. That was when something clicked, when the pieces finally fell into place. Costia will always be a part of my life and I still feel guilty about what happened. Just look at me when  _the day_   approaches. But I found that I can actually enjoy myself and that Costia would tell me to do so, too. And now? Now I am sitting here with you, my love. I can't believe that these past month are real, I really can't. You make me so happy and you put all this effort into making this day a great day for me. I couldn't be more thankful for this. For all that you've done for me." Lexa's voice was wavering, but she never stopped until she said what has been on her mind. 

 

Now though, Clarke was a crying mess too. "I really have no idea what to say right now. I just love you so much." She mumbled while burying her face in the neck of her rock. Because that was what Lexa was to her. She was her rock, the one thing that kept her grounded and that made sure she was safe.

 

* * *

 

 

"Oh my god! What happened to that poor kid?" Lexa asked, half laughing half looking concerned. 

 

They were at the small restaurant right now, sitting at their table and talking about the most random things. Currently, Clarke was telling a story of a freshman who managed to set off the fire alarm because he burned his T-shirt. 

 

"Well, I was asked to assist Mrs. Fields in that class, since they were supposed to do some advanced experiment on their own and there were all hands on deck needed. I had some time off nonetheless so I just helped her. Anyway, they were all doing their experiments and no major incident happened, but then, just when Mrs. Fields was busy explaining something to another student, I saw how a boy used the wrong gas, but it was too late. You know that hydrogen explodes when becoming too hot, right?" Lexa nodded carefully, afraid of what she was about to hear. "Thankfully it wasn't too much, but still, the beaker shattered into a million pieces and I swear he would have lost his view if he wouldn't have worn the protective glasses." Clarke retold the story and she still couldn't believe that this has really happend.

 

"Is he okay, though? This sounds serious." Lexa asked, her laugh now fully replaced by concern. 

 

"Yes, he's got some minor cuts because he wore a T-shirt, but I got these bandaged up quickly and he was able to proceed. Turns out he actually had no idea what the H on the container meant, poor boy. I offered some tutoring to him, since I am kinda afraid what will happen to him when he'll end up mixing up some worse stuff." Clarke shook her head. She didn't want to imagine what will happen if that boy will have to do some experiments with acids or something like that. 

 

"You did? That's great of you. Will you teach him at school or will he stop by our home?" Lexa asked. 

 

"I invited him over on Tuesdays, right after school, if that's okay for you?" Clarke found herself asking. This was something they had to talk about since they were living there together and it wasn't her place to just decide about stuff like this. 

 

"Yeah, I'm excited to meet that little chemistry freak. I really hope you'll be able to help him, though. I'm not sure how long he'll survive otherwise." Lexa answered with a wink, which made Clarke chuckle again. 

 

She was really enjoying herself tonight and she hoped Lexa was too. Her plans for the day have gone smoothly and she had found herself laughing, crying and being happy. She really loved how easy it was to drift into some mindless conversation with her girlfriend who always knew what to say to make her laugh. 

 

"Thank you for everything, Clarke." Lexa said barely audible after some moments of comfortable silence. "What you did for me today was great." She smiled widely at Clarke, who matched her smile.

 

"I'm happy that you enjoyed today. Still, it's not over yet." Clarke winked and chuckled at the confusion that spread on Lexa's features.

 

* * *

 

 

"It's not much, but I know how much you love that view and so I, kinda decided to paint it. If you don't like..-" Clarke's rambling was cut off by soft lips kissing her firmly.

 

"It's perfect, really really perfect. I couldn't have asked for something better than this, Clarke." Lexa started kissing her again and after the painting hung on it's place just above their bed, they didn't stop kissing anymore.

 

"I love you." Clarke whimpered in between.

 

"I love you more." Lexa mumbled while sucking her girlfriend's pulse point.

  
"Impossible."

 

* * *

 

 

 


	50. unknown number

 

 

* * *

 

 

To say that Lexa was nervous would have been an understatement. She was literally freaking out right now. Her breathing was increased and again and again she checked whether her outfit was still in place.Today she would meet a manager of the Philadelphia Eagles, the team she had wanted to play on the most. He had contacted her and had told her that he was in the area for a couple days and that he wanted to meet her.

 

To be honest, there was no real reason to be nervous, not at all, because they had already offered her a contract. Still, she didn't want to screw this up, she couldn't afford to do so, not after she had already told her parents that she would play in Philadelphia after college, at least for some years. They had been pissed, of course, since they had already made plans for her to ease into the company after college. And even that, a slow start in her parents company, was something Lexa had demanded. Her parents wanted her to start in a higher position from the beginning, but she had shaken her head. There was no way she would take over a company of that size directly after college while still green behind the ears.

 

So now the pressure was even higher. She needed to prove to her parents that Football is what she needed to do, at least for some years. Lexa didn't plan on playing until she was mid-thirty, no, maybe twenty five or twenty seven at most. After that she would start at her parents company and would begin to take over, because it wasn't that she didn't want to be the CEO of Woods Inc. No, she really wanted to, but now she had the chance to do what she loved the most...okay now maybe the second most...

 

Lexa was a planner to say the least. She hated to do things not according to some plan and she loved to plan her future. Or at least she loved to picture how it could be, because you could never know for sure if there won't be something blocking your plans. So what she liked to picture the most was coming home from work, Clarke being there and they'd eat dinner together. She liked the thought of having  a family, children, at some point but now she was still too young to think about that. What was already set in stone is that she wanted to marry Clarke in the future, as long as the blonde would want to. Things could still break apart, but Lexa couldn't imagine her life without the blonde in it.

 

But before that she would have to plan other things. Like how things would go from the point where she would leave for Football. She would live hundreds of miles away from Clarke and her family, she won't see her that often anymore. Clarke had said to her that they could make this work, but she still had her doubts. She really loved her girlfriend and so she didn't want to take the possibility from her to be happy with someone who could be there for her, someone who would be there to comfort her. She hated the thought of Clarke being with someone else, but she would never not allow her girlfriend to be happy.

 

And if that was with somebody else, she would have to accept that.

 

She snapped out of her thoughts when she heard the doorbell ring. One last glance around her apartment told her that it was still in pristine shape and that she could go and open the door for the manager.

 

She mentally braced herself and then opened the door to reveal a smiling, young man who was dressed in a white dress shirt and black slacks and who was carrying a black case.

 

_Here goes nothing._ Lexa sighed internally. At least did the man look kind and he was way younger than she had expected him to be. Okay, to be honest, she had expected an elderly, fat guy who was kind of a sexist and who didn't take her seriously because she was a woman. Hell she couldn't have been more wrong, at least about the part about him being old and fat. The sexist part she didn't know of yet.

 

"Ms. Woods! It's great to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you. I'm Jayden Holms, nice to meet you." He smiled again, showing off his perfectly shaped, whit teeth. Okay, he really didn't look too bad and Lexa was sure that anyone who was attracted to men would have been swooning about his kind of boyish charm. Thank god that this would never work with her.

 

"Nice to meet you too. You only heard the good things, I hope?" She asked while mutely offering him to come inside. Once he stepped into the apartment, she could feel him checking his surroundings as if trying to make himself a picture of the person living here.

 

"Yes, just good things." He trailed off, but Lexa sensed that he had something else to say. "This apartment is rather large for someone who still goes to college. Do you live here alone or do you have flatmates?" He asked and Lexa internally questioned why this would matter but she chose to remain silent. What also struck her was that he seemingly didn't know where the money came from. So he probably didn't know who her parents were. 

 

What a professional. And then this preparation, wow. Not.

 

"My parents bought this apartment for me when I turned eighteen and started college. But, I don't live here alone, my partner moved in with me a couple weeks ago." She wasn't sure if she should drop the bomb about being gay yet. From what she had experienced, there were still a lot of people out there who won't respect that. Not even when they knew that Lexa was happy.

 

Because that was all that mattered, right? Being happy, no matter what gender your partner is.

 

"That's nice to hear. I bet you are happy, right?" He asked while still looking around.

 

"Yes we are." She replied, hoping that he would change the topic soon. Today she hadn't heard of Clarke yet which was kind of weird since the blonde normally would text her a couple times during school. She knew that there probably was no need to worry, but she couldn't help it, not while knowing what has already happened to Clarke in the past. But she trusted her girlfriend and so she tried her best to not be too worried. Clarke could just be hanging out with Raven and Octavia which she has done in the past weeks more often than in the past and Lexa was happy that Clarke and her friends have finally spoken about the things that bothered them.

 

Shoving the worries aside, she offered Mr. Holms a seat so that they could sit while talking about her future. "Okay, Ms. Woods, first of all would it be okay to just call you Lexa? I hate being stuck up formal." He smirked and waited for a reply. Normally, Lexa would say no because she didn't know him, but somehow he had an easy going attitude and she found herself accepting the offer.

 

"Good now that that matter is dealt with, Lexa. I'd like to talk about you and your future in the football world." She nodded and waited for him to proceed. Lexa didn't feel the need to comment on this so she didn't. "Okay. You've read the contract I presume?" Again, she mutely nodded. She had read the contract and in her opinion it was insane. She had never dreamed of living solely from football, but this contract made it possible. More than possible. They offered her an insane amount of money, which she didn't need but hey. Also they offered her a secure spot as the teams quarterback and so on. All in all this contract was more than she had ever imagined. "Okay. I want to know whether your payment is enough in your eyes."

 

"Yes it is. I have never dreamed of earning this much money with playing football." She replied neutrally. She really was excited about this but she didn't show it. Her parents had long ago taught her that showing emotions was a weakness. A weakness she couldn't afford. She mostly sticks to this rule in professional matters but not on a personal level. Then she would've never been able to connect with Clarke this deeply...

 

"That's good. The next question is one I have to ask, even if I already know the answer. There's no chance that you would want to join our team earlier?" He asked, trying to sound hopeful, but they both already knew what the answer was.

 

"No. I'll finish my studies first since I will take over my families company at some point in the future and because I need a secure base in case something will stop me from playing." She replied calmly. 

 

"That's very honorable. Which company does your family own?" He asked, clearly he didn't know. Well that's almost a first. Her parents' faces were all over the business world and she herself wasn't too unknown to the public. Still, there were some people that didn't know and that was something Lexa was grateful for. She really loved giving autographs and so on, but she also liked to be seen as a person, not as the heir of one of the biggest companies on earth. 

 

"My parents own Woods Inc. It's a law firm. That's why I'm studying to be a lawyer." Lexa said, already answering a question that hasn't been asked yet.

 

"Oh wow! I should have connected the dots earlier. I've read about your parents, they really did a great job with expanding the firm your grandfather founded in his younger days." He sounded truly excited and if Lexa would've been her mother, she would have been excited about his excitement, but well, she was Lexa. And Lexa right now only thought about the fact that her parents did a great job on raising the company, but failed miserably at raising her. To them it has always been business first, family second. Hell, she wasn't even really sure if her parents truly loved each other. It can as well be a bond that has been created to ensure the survival of the company, since her parents both are the biggest, most known faces on the law-market. She'll probably never find out.

 

* * *

 

 

They had chatted a bit more until Lexa's phone suddenly rang. It was an unknown number and when she shut the call down, because it was impolite to have a ringing phone while having a meeting, it just started to ring again. Again, and unknown number. What the hell?  Who would bother with calling her again and again after she again and again shut down their calls?

 

"It seems to be important. I don't mind if you would pick it up. I'll use this as my cue to smoke a cigarette, okay?" She nodded totally perplexed and pointed towards the rooftop where he could smoke if needed. Again, her phone rang and now she finally picked up. Whoever was calling her now better has a good excuse to do so. But this has to be urgent and if anybody needs her help, she'll help them out.

 

"Lexa Woods?" She asked when all she heard was a relieved sigh from the other end of the line.

 

_"Lexa!Thank god! Why didn't you pick up?! You know what it doesn't matter...I..we need your help!"_ Raven, Lexa thought. The brunette was sounding so panicked that Lexa began to feel panic rise in her chest too. Why would Raven call her? Why would she call her like this? Why does she need her help? Questions and more questions were running through her mind and she fought against the panic. She needed to stay calm, only then she would be able to make good decisions.

 

"Hey, Raven, listen to me. I need you to calm down a bit and to tell me what has happened." She replied, sounding as calm as possible. She really had a bad feeling...a feeling she hasn't had for a long time. Not since... okay, no. This will not happen again. 

 

She heard the Latina take deep breaths before continuing. "A group of boys and girls from our school...they must have waited for Clarke after her final lesson...Octavia and I were waiting at the school's exit because we wanted to spend the afternoon with Clarke, but she never came. We texted her but she didn't reply. Then we started searching the hallways because she would never not text back...and ...and " Raven took another couple of deep breaths and Lexa was feeling like she was going to vomit. She didn't want to think about where this is going...no...she wouldn't accept that. 

 

"Raven calm down... please." She pleaded, now sounding not as calm as before. The things Raven had told her already were out of order and Lexa needed to have a good picture of the situation.

 

_What happened to you, love?_

 

"Okay...phew...so Octavia and I searched the building and couldn't find her. Then we went to search at the football field and that was when we found her...god it was terrible. There were at least ten people surrounding her, punching her, kicking her...oh god. Octavia barged in and is now fighting them...please, Lexa you have to come now!" Raven yelled into her phone, while Lexa was already halfway out of her apartment, leaving a note for Jayden. She was shaking due to the panic and she probably wasn't really capable of driving but she needed to right now. She needed to help her.

 

"Call the cops, Raven. I'll be there in a few but you have to call them nonetheless!" She shouted into her phone.

 

Never had the drive felt this long...never had she dreaded and wanted to be there for her girlfriend this much at the same time. How could they do that to Clarke and why wasn't there any teacher to stop them? Why can't anybody seem to make their job?! Why? Why? Why?

 

When she arrived, she jumped out of the car, not bothering with locking it, instead she spurted over to where she knew the pitch was . That was when she saw them. Octavia was alone, fighting ten people at once and there was an unconscious form lying on the ground. Lexa would notice this blonde hair from miles away and she couldn't help but panic at the sight of her beaten up girlfriend. How could they do that to her?

 

She really hoped that Raven has called the cops until now, because ten against two wasn't something they could take for a long stretch of time. She spurted towards them and growled at them.

 

The teenagers, obviously shocked stopped for a short moment but it didn't take the first one too long to try to land a punch. Years of martial arts training now had their purpose and Lexa blocked the punch effectively while countering it with a low blow aimed at his abdomen. Again and again, her gaze shifted towards Clarke's unconscious form and she noticed bruises already forming, a bloody nose and a split eyebrow.

 

_They have punched her in the face!_  

 

She didn't know where her power suddenly came from but she was effectively shielding Clarke's body from other hits while only being hit twice herself. Her lip was split and she could feel a bruise forming on her ribs, still that didn't keep her from fighting. She needed to protect Clarke...the blonde needed her right now and therefore she would be there for her.

 

Suddenly there were sirens surrounding the entire pitch and Lexa couldn't be more grateful of Raven. Clarke needed medical attention and they wouldn't be able to withstand them any longer.

 

"Get back! NOW!" One of the officers shouted. They were surrounded and the teenagers stopped immediately. Nobody of them had expected this and now they were throwing panicked glances at each other, but Lexa didn't really bother with their reactions. Immediately, she turned around and knelt down beside Clarke who was still unconscious. She checked her breathing while holding her own breath.

 

"Please be breathing! I can't lose you! Please Clarke, I love you, don't leave me!" She muttered.

 

A relieved sigh escaped her lips when she felt her girlfriend breathing. She forgot about everything else that surrounded her. She ignored the teenagers that were arrested by the cops, she ignored the panicked looks Octavia and Raven were giving her, she ignored the two boys shouting at each other. All that mattered now was that Clarke would get the treatment she needed, so she called one of the cops and ordered him to call an ambulance. When she was told that there was already one on it's way, she sighed relieved.

 

Gently she took Clarke's hand while telling Octavia to get the first aid kit from her car. 

 

"Please Clarke, wake up. I need you." She pleaded again and again. Because it was true. She needed Clarke, now more than ever and she would never forgive herself if this would be the end...no...she wouldn't allow this to be the end. It couldn't be, it shouldn't be and it wasn't allowed to be.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	51. Aftermath

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke was still unconscious and Lexa began to panic again. By now the ambulance should have arrived, at least had it felt like an eternity since the ambulance was called. It could have been minutes but it definitely felt like hours, more like days. Clarke was severely beaten up and if Lexa wouldn't have been caring for her girlfriend, she might have punished those kids for what they did. How could they do it? How could they beat someone up, seriously hurt anybody? 

 

Lexa's head was spinning and her heart was racing in her chest. Every few minutes she would check on her girlfriends breathing, hoping that it still was there. She couldn't lose her, no. Lexa would never get back up from that, she would be destroyed beyond repair. Clarke could have internal injuries, that was what was scaring her the most. She wouldn't be able to do anything against them and they could kill her love. 

 

Her love...a girl that deserved the world, a girl that should be happy and that should be living the best life possible. A girl that has been on her way of recovering from her past. She knew Clarke had silently hoped that it would finally be over after Finn and Murphy's trial and Lexa had seriously believed it. Nobody should have been this dumb and try it again. Not with Lexa's parents behind their backs. They had seen what happened to Finn and his little companion and yet they were here...Lexa kneeling over her beaten up girlfriend, praying she would wake up soon or at least respond in any way.

 

Lexa was so focused on her girlfriend that she didn't hear the sirens nor did she hear the shouting match one of the girls was having with an officer. All she could see, hear and sense was Clarke. Her girlfriend who needed her help, because she was....she was beaten up by savages...

 

The realization dawned her and soon her whole body was shaking from anger. She was so incredibly angry at them but even more so at herself. How could she have let this happen? There were tons of things she could have done to prevent this...she could have....she could have...

 

What could she have done? There had to be tons of things that could have prevented this. And yet she let it happen. She failed the task she had given herself when she met Clarke the first time. Back then she had promised that she would do everything that was humanly possible to get this girl out of her misery but here she was, kneeling over a hurt girl that she failed to protect. Clarke would probably hate her for these feelings but Lexa couldn't help it, she couldn't help them clouding her mind. She has failed. Again.

 

Again she has failed the most important person in her life. Just like back then. Back then when she and Costia had been walking through the park. Now, she had failed both, Costia and Clarke. 

 

"Miss?" A gentle voice and a tentative hand on her shoulder let her snap out of her haze again. "Miss. We're going to help her, but you have to let us do our job, okay? We will do everything that is in our might." This was the moment she noticed that the gentle voice belonged to a young, female paramedic with dirty blonde hair and some intricate braids in them. Lexa wouldn't have noticed them if the pattern wouldn't have been familiar. It was a design worn by her family tribe...but she couldn't bring herself to dwell on it. Clarke needed help, professional help, help she couldn't offer. Because she had failed her.

 

She didn't manage to get out any words, but she managed a stiff nod. It took all of her willpower to get up and back away from her hurt girlfriend. Her heart told her that she should stay right where she was, by Clarke's side, but her head was telling her to let the paramedics do their job. For the first time in a long period of time, she chose her head over her heart. It was for the best, she told herself.

 

She watched the paramedics do their job, hoping they'd be able to save the one who matters most to her. She was staring blankly and she didn't avert her gaze, even when she felt a cold hand on her forearm. "Lexa? Lex?" She couldn't bring herself to respond to Octavia, who now had several patches on knuckles and one over her nose where she probably has been hit. "Lex. We need this to get checked out, okay?" The black haired girl said again, getting no reaction out of her. She felt numb, too numb to move and definitely too numb to avert her gaze from the hurting blonde. 

 

Instead of responding, she let herself be dragged away by the black haired girl that only wanted what was best for her right now. What she didn't know is that what was best for her was unreachable right now. It would be for Clarke to wake up...give any sign of life...anything. She never looked away from Clarke, not even when she was sat down in the back of the ambulance so the paramedic could check out her injuries. Hell, she hadn't even thought of her lip and if she was thinking about it, her eyebrow felt weird too...probably a cut but she couldn't care less. These injuries would not kill her...Clarke on the other hand...

 

No! Stop thinking this. She needed to stay calm right now and there was no way she could be if she was having these thoughts.

 

"Miss? May I ask you some questions?" A young police officer came to an halt in front of Lexa, blocking the brunette's view on her girlfriend who was now bein hauled up on a stretcher. That was a good sign. It meant the blonde is stable enough to make the way to the hospital, or at least did the paramedics feel that way. They felt safe enough to transport her. Somehow that calmed Lexa down the slightest bit. Her head was still spinning and she felt like she couldn't move but she felt a certain calmness seep into her. Somehow she knew that Clarke was going to make it. She felt it.

 

"Miss? I need to clarify what happened here. Are you ready to answer some questions?" The young officer asked again and was again completely ignored by Lexa who was now following the stretcher with her eyes. Clarke needed her right now, this damned officer can wait.

 

"No. She is not ready, you get that? Her girlfriend needs her right now and therefor she will drive to the hospital with her!" Octavia barked at the young man who was now gawking at the small brunette in shock. For once, Lexa was seriously grateful for Octavia. She really wasn't ready to give a statement about what she had witnessed earlier. Not until she knew for sure that Clarke would be alright, that she will get healthy again. So, she marched away toward the ambulance but not without tossing Octavia the keys for her car so they could take it to the hospital. She muttered something along the lines :" Don't let Raven drive." And then disappeared into the ambulance.

 

* * *

 

 

When she had thought that the drive to Clarke's school had been the worst one in her life, she hadn't expected this. Sitting in the passenger seat next to a female paramedic who was soothingly talking with her while her girlfriend was in the back of the ambulance, fighting for her life. 

 

Lexa didn't want to imagine what could happen and what actually was happening back there. By now they have probably sedated Clarke so the girl wouldn't be in too much pain or wake up from all the pain. That was if she was stable enough for that of course.

 

The whole drive, Lexa couldn't spare the female paramedic an ounce of concentration. Her mind drifted off to so many places that there was no capacity left for the driver. Places like the day she woke up in hospital without Costia by her side. The day she had let down her first love. The day she had found out about Clarke. Her failure concerning not having seen the real danger Clarke was in. 

 

She had failed Clarke just the way she had failed Costia. But, she knew that both of them, if they were able to, would kill her for having these thoughts. Costia had been a loving person that has always wanted the best for her loved ones, especially Lexa. Clarke was caring and freaking stubborn, she would never allow Lexa to think something like this. Costia neither. Still, Lexa couldn't help it. If she would have done something...more than what she did for Clarke, this wouldn't be happening right now. If she would have advised Clarke to change schools, the blonde might have listened. Then Clarke would have had a real chance again, a fresh start somewhere else. But no, Lexa has done literally nothing in that case. 

 

She had failed her.

 

They arrived at the hospital five minutes of torturous thoughts later. Well, that was what the clock on the wall told Lexa. For her, it had felt like hours maybe two or three. The drive had been the longest one in her life and the one to school was nothing compared to this. Literally nothing.

 

"The doctors will check on her quickly, then we will see what's up next, okay?" The nurse that led them towards the ER said to her in a soothing voice. She was young, really young, probably just finished school, but somehow he voice calmed Lexa down again. Her head was getting a little clearer and she felt some feelings return. She felt like she could move again, but that was probably not because of the nurse, no, it was because she knew that Clarke was in good and capable hands now. 

 

"Page Dr. Griffin. This is Clarke, her daughter." She managed to choke out. Her voice was rough from the lack of use and the exhaustion. The look on the nurses face told her that she understood nonetheless and the fact that she gathered her pager from the pocket of her scrubs even more so. 

 

Lexa wasn't sure if she would be able to explain everything to Abby yet, her memories were messy and she couldn't exactly recall everything perfectly. But she couldn't leave the mother of her girlfriend in the dark about what happened. No mother would make it through that. Plus, it was better that Abby learned the news from her than from any policeman or nurse. No, Lexa would have wanted someone with a personal connection to tell her about something like this and not someone who did that as a job. 

 

It didn't take Abby more than two minutes to storm through the doors of the ER. From the look on her face, Lexa gathered that she must have run and that she must know that there has something personal happened. 

 

"Lexa! What happened to you?" The older woman asked as soon as she stood in front of the brunette who was now dreading to tell her the story of how her eyebrow and lip were cut open and where Clarke has been severely beaten up. No, she really didn't want to but she knew that she had to. She had to tell her because she would have wanted the same thing. 

 

"Abby...It's Clarke." She barely managed to get out before the older woman started marching towards the Shock room behind them. Lexa somehow was able to grab the dirty blonde haired woman by her arm and stop her that way from walking in on the doctors working on Clarke. "They are doing their best in there." She mumbled when she guided Abby towards the seating area. It was exhausting to do so because the older woman would struggle to get to her daughter but Lexa knew that a hysterical mother was the last thing the doctors could use right now. No matter that said mother was one of the doctors too.

 

"What happened to my daughter, Lexa! I swear if you have any...!" It looked as if she cut herself off. Lexa knew what Abby had wanted to say and she was almost sure about what stopped her from doing so. The last argument with Clarke has not been in the far past, no, it was kinda recently and it has almost costed her her daughter. 

 

Still, even if Abby wouldn't say something like that now, Lexa thought the exact same thing about herself right now. She wasn't the one to hurt Clarke, no that definitely not, but she was the one who could have done something to prevent it.

 

"Raven called me when I was in a meeting...she told me to get to their school as fast as possible because there were some kids that were beating Clarke up. I stormed out of my apartment then and sped to their school. There I saw them on the football field. Ten kids and Octavia fighting them. I jumped in too  and tried my best but when I got there Clarke was already unconscious." Lexa was rambling and she knew it, but she couldn't care less. Right now she only needed to spill everything what she knew. "We fought them until the police that Raven called arrived. They arrested them and Clarke was taken here. I do not no what happened not do I know how Clarke is right now. They can't tell me anything because I'm not legally a part of the family and...." She was stopped by Abby crushing her with a hug. She could feel the older woman sob against her and after a few weird moments she hugged her back fiercely while drawing soothing pattern on her back. Maybe that could work on Clarke's mother just as well as it does on Clarke when she was stressed out.

 

Lexa couldn't really place the feelings she was feeling right now, but somehow it felt like for the very first time, Abby was really accepting her. Accepting her as a part of her family.

 

"Thank you, Lexa." The doctor mumbled into the brunette's shoulder. They did stay that way a long time and when they separated Lexa knew that she had never hugged her mother that long. Never. "To me you are family." 

 

Lexa was in shock and wasn't able to say anything. Nope. There was no word escaping her throat nor did a word seem to express the gratefulness she felt right now. Abby accepted her and that made her feel slightly better, though slowly she was getting concerned about Clarke again. Too much time seemed to have passed. This couldn't be right, no, by now they would have wheeled her out to get an x-ray or something, right? Lexa didn't know a thing about the work of a doctor but she felt like this was too long...

 

Just in that moment, a nurse slipped out of the shock room, obviously looking for Abby who has send Jake a text a couple minutes ago. When the nurse located them, he was probably about to tell Lexa to leave them, but Abby cut him off. "She'll stay. Lexa is family." Abby stated firmly, leaving no space for any arguments. Though the nurse did look troubled with that piece of information at first.

 

"Dr. Griffin and...Lexa, am I right?" He asked which earned her two eager nods. Though it did confuse Lexa the slightest bit that the nurse knew her informal name and didn't address her with her full name like all the people ever did. Not that she really cared right now, of course. "Okay good. Clarke suffered three fractured ribs with one threatening to puncture her lung. Additionally she has a broken nose and jaw as well as several serious bruises. Right now she is being prepared for surgery so the surgeons can fix her ribs. But she will be alright. There is no internal bleeding and the deformations of her face will be fixed in a couple days when she is a bit stronger." He finished his statement in a gentle and calm voice. Though Lexa didn't feel calm at all. Three broken ribs, the nose and her jaw broken by some stupid kids who love to be the stronger one for once. Just because they were ten people and she was alone. Clarke had been alone and Lexa didn't even want to think of what could have happened when Octavia and Raven wouldn't have found her.

 

How could they do that to an actual person? How could someone be this twisted minded? What made them do something this brutal? What turned kids into savages?

 

All these questions where swirling in her head right now and Lexa could feel her knees buckle, sending her crashing to the floor. There she was, sobbing, crying and praying for Clarke to get better. Now the shock had passed and now she was left with the harsh truth of what has happened to her girlfriend again.

 

Again.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 


	52. Patience

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa wasn't sure how long she sat there on her knees, crying and hurting for her girlfriend who was so young and yet had to suffer so many unfair things. Clarke, her Clarke, the person that she loved the most on this entire planet had to go through so much and all Lexa wanted was for it to stop. Her precious Clarke deserved the world and all the happiness that was there. She deserved to run around with a smile on her face, she deserved to live an uncomplicated life, because she is one of, no, she is the best person in this world in Lexa's eyes. 

 

Nobody should suffer through this, yes, but Clarke...Clarke especially not. At least was that how Lexa saw this.

 

Here she knelt in the middle of an hallway in a hospital, crying for her love. She knew that everybody here could see her right now and that the press would report on this as soon as possible, but she couldn't care less. For what she knew, her girlfriend was in pain because some kids wanted to be stronger for once. Lexa could already feel the anger inside her rise again, but she knew that Clarke would never forgive her if she would allow it to be set free. 

 

So, she would just stay here, waiting for news and waiting for being able to see the woman that mattered most to her. She barely even noticed the soothing hand on her back that was drawing practiced patterns that could be soothing if she only would have really noticed it. Still, Abby didn't stop.

 

"Why would they do something like this?" She whimpered and she was almost sure that she felt the same pain Clarke was in right now, but she couldn't have known, right? She will never know what Clarke was feeling right now, will she? She could never imagine what something like that must feel like, but she couldn't help but think of it as as painful as what she was suffering through right now.

 

Abby didn't reply, because she knew that Lexa didn't expect an answer at all. No, she just needed to ask this out loud. Why was the world this unfair? Why was it this harsh? Don't they realize what they are doing to the person they are mobbing? Why why why?

 

* * *

 

Hours that felt like days later, an elderly doctor appeared and walked straight up to them. Until now, Lexa had managed to get up and sit down on a chair with exhaustion written all over her face. The adrenaline was now completely gone and all he could feel was her hurting eyebrow and lip and her aching heart. Still, she coaxed herself into staying awake. She needed to know how Clarke was and she needed the security that her love would be alright.

 

"Would you please excuse us? I have to talk to Dr. Griffin about her daughter." He said with voice that was so void of emotions that Lexa immediately got scared again. Was that the voice they used whenever they have to tell someone that their loved one just passed away? No, Clarke was strong, she would never just die on a surgery table, she is too stubborn for that. Or wasn't she?

 

Hell, her panic even made her miss the fact that he wanted her gone. She didn't even hear what he had said, she had only heard how he had said it. She knew that voice from her parents whenever they are counting down facts and arguments while defending someone in court. There was no emotion, there was no hidden sympathy. There was just nothing.

 

"Lexa will stay." Abby stated harshly, the exhaustion and panic probably wore down her nerves. 

 

"Okay. Clarke got out of surgery a couple of minutes ago and is now sleeping. We gave her sedatives again, so she will sleep for the next twenty hours or so, depends on how good her body recovers from the surgery and the pain. We scheduled her stay for two weeks because she can't move a lot and we have to make sure that her ribs remain stable. Also, we scheduled the next surgery, the one where we will fix the bone structure of her nose and her jaw, for next week because her body may have not been strong enough for this right now. We didn't want to take that risk." He closed his statement and from the corner of her view, Lexa could see a flood of relief on Abby's face, but she herself only had one thought.

 

"Can I see her?" She asked bluntly, because she didn't want to waste any time with things she would never understand. Abby knows what he was talking about, but she had no idea and from experience, she could say that now he would explain everything in detail.

 

"Yes, you can. But, like I said, she won't wake up until tomorrow." She barely registered it. It won't matter to her if Clarke was awake or not, she just needed to know if she was really, truly alright. As alright as possible in this case. She needed to see it herself, she needed to see what they had done to her love.

 

So instead of listening to the doctors talking, she fetched the next nurse and asked her which room Clarke was in. As soon as she had the directions, she had to restrain herself from running there.

 

What she saw when she opened the door, made her gasp barely audibly. Clarke's face was patched up and yet there were dark bruises visible for everyone. Lexa had to swallow to contain her anger that was directed at the kids as well as herself. Would she have been faster, would she have been there, then this might not have happened. Then, Clarke might not have needed surgery or a stay at a hospital. Then, she would be home with Lexa right now, probably ending up exploring each others bodies. But no, Lexa had failed her and now Clarke was lying there, in front of her. There was a monitor the blonde was wired to that showed of the steady, shallow heartbeats, the only sign that she was alive.

 

Lexa closed the distance between herself and the bed and knelt down beside it while taking a weak, pale hand into her own. "Hey, Niron. I hope you're not in too much pain. The doctors told me that they gave you some sedatives that would make you sleep so you don't have to suffer that much. I hope it works." She gently whispered, shoving all her self hatred and hatred for those who did this aside, because right now, Clarke needed her. And she would be there for her love, even if it would take days for the blonde to wake up again. She would be here, waiting for Clarke to respond to her rambling.

 

"I'll be here when you wake up, okay? I need to apologize to you and that as fast as possible. But, first, rest and recover from all this, okay? I can not lose you, I love you too much for that." She mumbled, mostly to herself but audible. She did never notice that Abby was standing in the doorway, looking at her adoringly. No, she only had eyes for the injured woman in front of her that was her whole world. She could never imagine a life without her by her side. Not anymore. And while her old self would have said that it is a bad thing to get connected to someone again because you would only end up hurt, she, right now, could only say that this is the greatest gift she has ever received. Being with Clarke made her a human being again, not just the empty case she had been before. After Costia's death she had thought that this was how she would be spending the rest of her life. Mourning the one love she had found and being an empty shell. 

 

But then she had met this young woman that was now lying in front of her. A young woman that had gone through so much and was still going through too much bullshit in her life. Yes, Clarke was a broken human being. She was someone that struggles with trusting people and Lexa herself still is on the receiving end of this side of Clarke sometimes, but she didn't mind. No. That was what Clarke made Clarke. That was something that is a part of her undeniably beautiful character and Lexa loved this side of Clarke as much as she did love the happy and chirpy side of her girl.

 

"I don't know if you are aware, but before I met you, I wasn't Lexa anymore. I was a broken young woman that had crafted the perfect mask to hide her emotions. Costia's death has haunted me and I struggled with allowing myself to be happy again. But then, then I met you. Clarke Abigail Griffin. I know you hate your full name and I'm only saying this now because you can't really say anything against it. I really do love your name. Every part of it. But I understand how you can not like it. I hate my full name too, so I'm not exactly in the position to say something like this." Lexa smiled sadly at her girlfriend while rubbing her thumb over Clarke's backhand. She was probably rambling pathetically but she couldn't care less. The silence over them was for once not comfortable and Lexa needed to fill it with talking. Maybe even to calm herself a little bit down, but the main part was to tell Clarke that she was there. If the blonde could hear her was another question, but somehow it felt like she could.

 

"I know this is probably pathetic, but I can't help it. You came into my world and suddenly you were my world and I don't know what I would do without you. Once I thought that I lost the one great big happy love in my life, but I was wrong. What Costia and I had is still very important to me and it is part of who I am, but it is nothing compared to what we have. Please, Clarke. Don't ever let it end, because holding onto you feels like I'm holding on to heaven."

 

* * *

 

 

She must have fallen asleep at some point. The exhaustion must have overwhelmed her after a while, because suddenly, she felt a gentle pat to her shoulder and saw Abby standing next to her and looking at Clarke who was still sleeping.

 

"She's off the sedatives. Now she's just sleeping and recovering from the surgery." The doctor murmured and Lexa wasn't too sure if it was meant as a reassuring message for her or for Abby herself. Probably both. The next thing she noticed is that she must have fallen asleep hours ago, which meant that she has been sleeping for a long time. The exhaustion probably made her body sleep longer than intended. "You can go home and get some real sleep, Lexa. I'll call you as soon as she wakes up." The doctor said even if she knew that Lexa would never leave Clarke's side.

 

"I'll stay," She said and when she got a closer look on how tired Abby seemed to be, she added: "You haven't slept at all, have you?"

 

"Can you blame me?" Was Abby's monotonous reply. The tiredness was not only visible but also audible in the way the doctor's voice didn't have as much bite to it as it usually had. But, she was right. Lexa could never blame her for not being able to sleep while her daughter is in a hospital, wired to some monitors and sleeping. If Lexa was in her position, she wouldn't have been able to get some rest either. Not until she knew for sure that Clarke was alright.

 

But, Lexa had fallen asleep. She had fallen asleep while murmuring some reassuring nonsense to Clarke who most likely could not have heard her. Still, she somehow had felt like she needed to do that. Maybe that had been her way to stay sane and calm in this situation.

 

"Thank you, Lexa." Abby said quietly. Lexa furrowed her eyebrows but never allowed herself to avert her gaze from the sleeping form of Clarke. She just looked confusedly but said nothing. Why would Abby thank her? She had been too late to prevent all this from happening, she had been unable to save her love from all this. And yet, Abby stood there and thanked her. The question was, for what?

 

"You saved her, you know? And not even her. Octavia too. I know for a fact that Octavia would never admit that she would have had no chance against those kids that seem to be younger than her, but I know also that she would have been seriously injured too." Abby said, as if she could read Lexa's confusion about this.

 

"I was too late." Was all she managed to croak out. Because she had been. She had been too late. 

 

"No. You were not. Without you, they would have done more and god knows where we would be standing now. But the real reason for me to thank you is that you are with her with every step she takes. You are with her when she needs someone to talk to. And you are with her now. Thank you." With that, the doctor turned around and disappeared from the room, leaving a completely overwhelmed Lexa behind. Ever since the huge fight that caused Clarke to move in with her, it felt like Abby couldn't really stand her. God knows what her reasons were, but there had always been a certain coldness directed at Lexa. But, this? This was showing the brunette that that was by no means the case. No, this showed her that she had done at least something right. Even if it was not necessarily her own opinion.

 

She gently put a stand of loose blond hair behind Clarke's ear and whispered: " Please wake up soon, babe. I love you." 

 

* * *

 

 

Her head felt like someone was trying to crack it open from the inside. That was the first thing she felt after feeling nothing for so long. The next thing she noticed was, that her head was still far too foggy for her liking. She couldn't really think and she couldn't really put the memories into the right order. Vaguely she remembered what has happened, but she wasn't sure of the order of the events.

 

Then, there was a blinding white lighit and for a second, she thought that she is dead, but then she felt a familiar thumb stroke her backhand. No, she wasn't dead and neither was she alone. The warmth that radiated from the thumb made her smile a tiny bit and somehow she managed to squeeze the hand that was holding her a weak little bit. She wasn't even sure if it was noticed at all, but then she felt the other hand squeeze back a little bit, almost as if the person this hand belongs to was too afraid of breaking it. Too afraid of breaking her.

 

"Hey, Niron. I'm not sure you can hear me, but we are in a hospital right now. Your mother is sleeping in the seat across the room and your father is sitting next to me." The gentle and very familiar voice cooed and Clarke was incredibly thankful for this information. It made her feel more comfortable to know that all the people she cared about were here. 

 

The memories of what happened are still too cloudy but she remembered bits and pieces. Bits and pieces that she wanted to forget again. 

 

She fought a battle against sleep, because she needed to wake up before this would become a terribly nightmare. Because as soon as her brain was remembering everything again, she would live through all this over and over again. Through the pain and the sorrow. She needed to win this battle against the sleep and against the dizziness. She needed to see those green eyes again, those eyes that belong to her love, to her world.

 

She needed to see Lexa again.

 

So she opened her eyes and looked directly into the green orbs that were the most familiar things on earth.

 

"Hey." She croaked out while she felt a gentle hand cup her cheek

 

* * *

 


	53. Dealing with feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all had great holidays! Mine have been really great and now I'm enjoying my break from school. Please let me know what you think of this chapter, because it really was kinda hard to write. I hope it turned out at least kind of well and that you like it.
> 
> Have a great time,  
> Nickelback21

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa couldn't really believe what she was seeing right now. Blue, hazy orbs were staring at her with confusion, pain and also love. She couldn't really comprehend what was happening, because she was so overwhelmed by seeing these blue eyes again. But, the fact that they didn't seem to shine as bright as they usually did, threw her back into the situation. They where still in the hospital and she was still holding the hand that fit so perfectly in hers. Abby was still sleeping in a chair, but in the corner of her view, Lexa could see that she began to stir. Then, there was Jake who sat next to her with a desperate look on his face. If Lexa would have looked in a mirror, she would have probably seen the same expression on her own face, but she had at no point dared to move away from her girlfriend's side.

 

"Hey, Niron. How are you feeling?" She gently asked, her voice low because she knew that Clarke must have a terrible headache. For now, she shoved all of her self consciousnesses aside and solely focused on the young woman that was now slowly awakening from her slumber. The young woman that so desperately would need any help that she could get now.

 

From what Lexa knew, this could turn out to be a major throwback in Clarke's recovery. This could wake all the insecurities and all the fears again, because that was what had happened to Clarke all the time before Lexa had met her, before everything seemed to get better. But now? Now they were at the beginning again and Lexa feared that it will take a lot to get back to where they had been before all this. She would help Clarke all over again, there was absolutely no question about that, but she feared that this will be an even harder and rockier way than the one before. Because now, now, Clarke might think that this is all she gets for being happy for once. She might think that this is what she has to pay for being happy and living a free and good life.

 

But, it was still too early to make any guesses about that. From what Lexa knew, and that was that Clarke is a very strong and ambitious young woman, the brunette could tell that maybe Clarke will be able to stand over this.

 

"Terrible." The blonde croaked out and Lexa immediately felt a dread sink in her stomach. What if this will have consequences for Clarke? What if she will hurt a lot more often because of what the kids have done to her? Then, Lexa swore to herself, she would make sure that they will pay the highest possible price for their deeds. They will rot in prison even longer than Finn and Murphy. Nobody hurts this precious young woman, not without having to beat her.

 

"I will get a nurse, okay?" Jake said while affectionately swiping his thumb over Clarke's sweaty forehead. The man had been as desperate as Lexa had been, maybe even more. He just returned and had hoped on a beautiful Christmas with his entire family, Lexa included. Then, Abby had called him and told him that Clarke had been beaten up at school and the man had dropped everything he was doing in that moment to be by his daughter's side. He really did love Clarke more than anything else. Even more than his bike and Lexa had never deemed that as possible. But, the look on his face while waiting for Clarke to wake up and the look he had now plastered on his face: tenderness, relief and concern all the same, showed Lexa that she wasn't alone in her misery at any point. 

 

When they were waiting for Clarke to wake up, Jake had told her several stories about a younger Clarke that had often ended up in the ER because she would fall or because she would even trip over her own feet. Yes, Lexa could picture this pretty well. Clarke was still really clumsy at times and sometimes, Lexa found herself wondering how she could have survived that long. Lexa was happy she did, though.

 

Normally, Lexa would have appreciated silence while fearing for her love's life, but then, she had been incredibly grateful for Jake to break the silence with stories that mostly were incredibly funny and that Lexa was almost sorry about for having missed them. The stories didn't do much but they did ease the tension in Lexa's shoulders the slightest bit and she saw also that Jake seemed to calm down that way, even if it wasn't more than a tiny bit. 

 

"How long have I been out?" Clarke croaked again, her voice becoming a little steadier with every word she spoke. Still, the blonde's voice was even hoarser and raspier than it normally was and if it wasn't for the terrible circumstances, Lexa might have found that sexy, but now? Now it only made her feel terrible. Clarke should be at home, drawing, smiling or singing or whatever. She should be putting a ridiculous amount of Christmas decorations everywhere in their apartment just to get on the brunettes nerves, because of how much Lexa hated it when there was overly much decoration. Hell, she should be the happiest girl in this entire world. 

 

And yet, yet she was here. In a hospital, in pain while Lexa could do nothing about it. The brunette had never felt this powerless. She had hardly ever come across a situation where she ahd been able to do nothing besides being there for somebody. Normally there had always been a way or another to deal with the issue. Now though, now she had to wait and see how much Clarke was affected by all what has happened to her. There was no other way to do this and that was what made Lexa desperate. 

 

She wanted so badly for Clarke to be the happiest and brightest smiling woman that was there and she had really thought they had been on the best way possible. Clarke had been on her way to recover from her past and now all that was left was the hope that the recovery hasn't been for nothing. That everything was still intact.

 

"A little more than 35 hours. For the first twenty hours you have been on sedatives and then you just slept." Lexa replied while soothingly running her thumb across Clarke's backhand. She hoped that this familiar motions would help the blonde to stay calm for the moment.

 

"I don't remember a lot about what has happened..." Clarke looked with panicked blue eyes into Lexa's green ones, though her voice didn't contain the same fear...no, it was more like it was void of any emotion at all. That scared Lexa to no end. this void, this lack of emotion was something she jerself knew far too well. That was the same tone her own voice had had for a whole year. A whole year after Costia died. Back then she had found it somehow impossible to express how she felt because all she felt was nothing. She hadn't allowed herself to feel. 

 

"It's okay Clarke...we'll get through this. I'll be here for you." Lexa mumbled and looked at Clarke whose eyes fell shut again, a single tear rolling down her pale cheek. Lexa brushed it away as fast as possible. It physically pained her to see Clarke suffer like this, to see her broken like this. This young woman had gone through so much and it never seemed to end. She feared that it might break Clarke at some point, because there was no way anybody would go through this without breaking at some point. Not, when it starts over and over again.

 

"What have I done?" Clarke whimpered and Lexa could not only hear Clarke's heart breaking, no, she could feel her own shattering to pieces right now. Clarke had done nothing. The world was just cruel and nobody could do anything against it. There was no explanation why some people had it so easy in their life while others had to struggle their way through it. That was something that Lexa wanted and needed to change so badly, but she couldn't. Nobody could, because changing that meant to be in control over human beings, something that is impossible.

 

"Psss...Clarke, you have done nothing wrong and I swear we'll make it through this, okay? I'll stay by your side and I will help you up." She pledged the obvious. There was at no point any question if she would stay by Clarke's side. Yes, there was this football thing but that was more than a year away and Lexa hoped that until then, Clarke would have been able to start a new life at college. That was what she was hoping for the most right now. She wished for Clarke to get a fresh start, she wished for Clarke to be able to look into a brighter future, but she knew that this would be one of the hardest things to achieve. Every time Clarke was back on track again, there was some idiot who threw her back. Something like that can't pass without leaving scars.

 

Lexa was solely focused on Clarke so she didn't notice Jake's return as well as the doctor entering the room with the older man. She only had eyes for the young woman that held her heart in her hands so she really didn't even bother with looking up when the doctor appeared on the other side of Clarke's bed and when she felt Jake's gentle hand on her shoulder. It was meant to be a reassuring gesture because somehow Lexa felt like the man understood her sorrow,  but honestly, she didn't really notice it.

 

Clarke was now looking at the doctor who was explaining the things that had been done during the surgery, but Lexa could see that her gaze was empty. Her gaze was void of any emotions, any feelings and that was what scared her to no end. Only minutes earlier, she had received the same empty gaze and she couldn't help but worry about what that meant. 

 

"So, you must be Ms. Woods, right?" The young doctor asked with a little smile plastered on his face. A smile Lexa wanted to wipe away, because right now, this was a situation where smiles where totally unaccounted for. A doctor should know that, especially when he had seen how distraught everyone in the room seemed to be. Hell, what was he thinking? 

 

Lexa contemplated to not answer at all, because she was so pissed at him, but then, she thought that it might be something important. "Yes. That would be me." She replied with a certain bite to her voice, because she couldn't help it. How dare he to smile at Lexa when Clarke could use any support and any help she could get? How dare he to smile at the woman that was holding her suffering girlfriend's hand? That she was pissed right now might come from being totally overwhelmed and from not really knowing what to do, but she didn't feel sorry the tiniest bit. Maybe that would teach him a lesson.

 

"The whole surgery team wanted to thank you. When you wouldn't have been there to stop them, she might have fared a worse fate. Also your first aid really helped the paramedics to keep her stable. So, by all means, thank you. We wouldn't have been able to do our job without your help." He said sincerely and even the smile disappeared which showed Lexa that he might really mean it. She hadn't expected this by any means. No, she had expected many different things, but this? This certainly not.

 

"Thank you for saving her, doc." She merely replied because she was too overwhelmed by everything right now. Yes, she had been angry at the doctor because he had been smiling like a fool at her while her girlfriend was suffering, but in her stupor she had forgotten the fact that this man, idiot or not, had saved Clarke's life. Without him, they probably wouldn't have been were they  were now. She really should be grateful for him, because he was a doctor who was working day and night to do his job. He has been in surgery for four hours to patch her girlfriend back together and what waas her than for that? A harsh glare and snappy replies. Wow, really smooth and fair.

 

Instead of replying, he simply nodded and made his way out of the room after a sort talk with Abby about what seemed like medical details that Lexa wouldn't understand at all. Clarke's mother looked tense and had dark shadows under her eyes despite the fact that she had been sleeping for a couple hours. But, Lexa would never blame her for that. If at some point in the future, her child would have to go through something like that, she would probably look the same. She swore to herself that she would never allow her own kids to be treated like this, no, she wouldn't allow this to happen again. She also swore that she would never allow this to happen to Clarke again, because she couldn't stand the thought of her having to go through that again.

 

But, hadn't she promised that before? Hadn't she said that she would never allow anybody to harm hr girlfriend? Yes. She had done that. And she had failed miserably. She had failed at everything she had promised Clarke. She had failed at protecting her from this and she had failed Clarke in general. Lexa really wanted to help Clarke to get back on her feet, but what if the blonde didn't want her to? What if the blonde would see that Lexa wasn't able to protect her at all? Then, she would have to accept that, but she wasn't sure if she would survive that. A life without Clarke was something she couldn't think of anymore. There never seemed the possibility of having to live on her own again, because their relationship had been one of the safest, one of the steadiest things she had ever experienced. But now? Now she was insecure. She had failed Clarke and it was her fault that she was lying here instead of being at home, happy and smiling.

 

"I can hear you thinking." The blonde mumbled incoherently and sleepy. She had her eyes closed and Lexa found it hard to imagine that Clarke could really read her that way, but apparently, she did. Well, that was the thing with their relationship. They understood each other without seeing and without needing the other one to express it. It just was that way.

 

"It's nothing." She lied, because she didn't want to bother Clarke with this, especially not when she was in this state. Maybe they could address it when Clarke was back on her feet again or something, maybe not at all. But now? Now Lexa wanted Clarke to rest, she didn't want to bother her with something like this. Right now, it was her turn to be there for Clarke and not the other way around.

 

"Abby and I will go to the cafeteria, okay baby girl? We will be back soon." Jake interrupted Lexa's train of thoughts and for the first time in what felt like an eternity, she looked up at the man who was standing behind her, his gently hand giving her shoulder a slight squeeze. He must have seen that this was a conversation meant to only be heard by Lexa and Clarke themselves, because Lexa knew that he would never leave Clarke's side if it were any different. Therefore, he loved his precious daughter too much.

 

As soon as Clarke mumbled a little 'okay' They went out of the room, leaving a self conflicted Lexa and Clarke behind. Okay, well seemingly they had to talk about this now, because Clarke was opening her eyes and looking at Lexa with something close to fierce determination. "I know what you are thinking." The blonde said while looking directly into Lexa's eyes. The slightly older woman couldn't do more than hum because she was sure that Clarke had fgured her out sooner than she would have liked. "You blame yourself." The blonde bluntly stated and Lexa's eyes widened the slightest bit, because she had never expected this to be this precise. "You think that you could have prevented this and you think you failed me." Again, she could merely hum a little, too shocked by how well Clarke really knew her.

 

Because that was something she wasn't used to. She was used to people judging her by her family or by the amount of money she possesses, she was used to people only wanting to know her because she was Alexandria Woods, heir of a shitload of money and one of the biggest companies on earth. Clarke was so different. She knew who this Alexandria Woods truly was. She knew that Alexandria was Lexa and she knew how Lexa was functioning. This was one of the many reasons why Lexa loved the girl to no end. Clarke loved her for who she was and not for what she was.

 

"Stop. Please stop thinking this, Lex. You have saved my life just like the doctor said and you didn't only save me this time." She paused to cough a bit and to regain some energy. "You saved me from falling down into the dark, deep hole of depression back when we met. I was on the brink of breaking and so am I now...I need you, Lex. I need you, so please, don't ever think that way again." Her hoarse voice was threatening to break and so Clarke stopped, even if Lexa knew that she wanted to say so much more. But, the blonde didn't need to. Lexa understood what she was saying and so, the brunette shoved all these self destructive thoughts aside. She knew that she could never forget them, but for now she would willingly ignore them.

 

The way Clarke said it, the was the words made her feel, made Lexa feel stronger again. Clarke needed her and so she would be there for the love of her life. She would be there for the girl that held her heart and she would be there for the girl that she wanted to spend her entire life with. One day, maybe one day she will ask her to marry her and then they will finally leave everything behind. Now, they will work on everything becoming better, now they will fight for the future that they both want to have.

 

Together.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 


	54. Lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to finish this as you may have noticed, but school started again on Monday and I fucked up my thumb in a soccer match. So it was kinda hard to write and it took me longer than usual, but here it is. Please tell me in the comments below what you think.
> 
> Take care
> 
> Nickelback21

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke shot up from her sleeping position and as soon as she sat upright she yelped and whined in pain. Her broken ribs protesting harshly at the movement and a white hot pain was shooting through her entire body. Still, she couldn't bring herself to lie back down....panic was still seeping through her veins and her heart was beating far too fast in her chest. Her breath was too quick and it felt as if she couldn't get enough air. Her body was craving more and more oxygen but it felt as if the room didn't hold any. It felt as if she was suffocating. She couldn't hear anything nor could she really see what surrounded her. All she could feel was panic and a horrible pain shooting through her body, making her completely incapable of focusing on something else...

 

She has never had a nightmare this horrible. It wasn't it's content that had made it so horrible, no, it was the knowledge of it being real, the knowledge that this really happened and that it will never end. The feeling of losing control over her mind, body and over her life was what made it horrible. All that she had managed to make better was now shattered and it felt as if it as destroyed beyond return. This dream...this dream was about all the things that she had feared the most. It was about going back to the place she had been in before she met Lexa, it was about losing Lexa, her love and her support, it was about going through everything again. It felt as if she would have to live in her own personal hell.

 

She still couldn't really see anything. All she could do was feel. Feel and hear. She could feel a very familiar hand stroking patterns on the back of her own and she could hear something that somehow managed to make breathing easier. Lexa was singing.

 

_Well, I know the feeling_  
_Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge_  
_And there ain't no healing_  
_From cutting yourself with the jagged edge_  
_I'm telling you that, it's never that bad_  
_Take it from someone who's been where you're at_  
_Laid out on the floor_  
_And you're not sure you can take this anymore_

 

Even without being able to take in her entire surroundings, Clarke was able to figure out which song it was that her love was singing to her. She would know this song from a mile away. She would know it because it had been one of the few things that she had been able to hold onto. This, was a song that somehow managed to get under her skin by voicing the things that she always told herself. Clarke knew that Lexa loved this song too, out of different reasons, but she connected to it too. It was a song about not giving up, even when it feels like the whole world is turning against you. It's a song that tells you that there is someone out there who cares and someone who will be by your side.

 

_So just give it one more try to a lullaby_  
_And turn this up on the radio_  
_If you can hear me now_  
_I'm reaching out_  
_To let you know that you're not alone_  
_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell_  
_'Cause I can't get you on the telephone_  
_So just close your eyes_  
_Oh, honey here comes a lullaby_  
  
_Your very own lullaby_

 

The blonde was completely unable to explain how grateful she was of Lexa now. Her nightmare was slowly fading from her mind and her body was slowly beginning to calm down. The need for air seemed to lessen and her heart seemed to slow down. Hearing this, hearing Lexa sing this song now whole holding her hand was able to make miracles happen. She was able to see again and she was able to take in her situation. She was still in the hospital and it was only Lexa in the room with her. It was dark outside and the entire hospital seemed to be asleep.

 

Still, her mind might allow her to take in her surroundings now, but she couldn't bring herself to let her focus stray too far from Lexa's beautiful voice. Seriously, sometimes Clarke asked herself if there was something her girlfriend was incapable of. Her voice was so gentle and soothing that Clarke could feel herself relax. She almost slumped into a lazy sitting position, but instead she was stopped by two strong hands guiding her into a lying position again. She couldn't have been more grateful for this. Slumping together probably would have meant another round of intense pain, something she hadn't thought about while listening to her girlfriend sing. 

 

While helping Clarke, Lexa had been humming the melody of the song just to pick up as soon ash she knew Clarke was in a comfortable position. The feeling of somebody being there for Clarke...even at night was something that was encouraging Clarke further to ban the nightmare from her head. She had been dreaming about being alone again, she had been dreaming about being at the beginning again, like it was yesterday that Finn and Murphy found her in the forest. But this, this showed her that she wasn't alone. No, she has someone. Someone who was willing to be there for her day and night and someone who loves her dearly. Someone who cares and someone who will help her build herself back up again.

 

Please let me take you  
Out of the darkness and into the light  
'Cause I have faith in you  
That you're gonna make it through another night  
Stop thinking about the easy way out  
There's no need to go and blow the candle out  
Because you're not done  
  
You're far too young  
And the best is yet to come

 

This faith that is spoken of in this part of the song, Clarke could feel it radiating of Lexa. She could feel that it wasn't only in the song and that they weren't just the singer's words but that they were Lexa's as well. That is was Lexa who had faith in her and that it was Lexa who was telling her that they would make it through this, that she would be able to come back and that she wasn't finished yet. She had an entire life in front of her.

 

But she also knew that this will take a lot of time and work. This was another bump in the road that they had to cross, but Clarke wanted to try. She wanted to try and get past this, she wanted to recover from this. And knowing that she wouldn't have to go down that path all on her own made it feel less impossible. Lexa would be there to make it possible and she still had her father on whom she could rely. Before she had met Lexa it had only been her father, but there are things that you don't want to share with your parents and those things, Clarke had always kept to herself. Now she didn't have to. Now she had Lexa who was by her side and who was keeping her together.

 

Clarke knew that once the hell named high school would finally be over in a couple of months, she would get a new chance, a chance on having a really really great life. She had the chance to meet new people that had no idea about what the people at her old school had done to her and she would be able to get one step closer to her big dream of becoming a doctor one day. 

 

"I love you." She needed to say these words to the woman that held her heart in her hands. She needed to say it over and over again, because she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have the brunette by her side. The unwavering support Lexa offered held her together, now and in general. Clarke didn't want to know where she would be now if she would have never met the brunette. She didn't want to know if she would still be here.

 

"I'll always be with you. No matter which task is ahead of you, of us, I'll always be there and I'll always love you." This made the tears that Clarke had held at bay while Lexa was singing flow freely. Nobody had ever promised something like that to her and nobody had ever offered her this kind of support. 

 

"I have to send Finn and Murphy a gift basket." She mumbled which caused Lexa to stare at her with confusion and furrowed eyebrows. But, Clarke was very well aware of what she had just said. It wasn't the sedative speaking or any other med, no, it was herself. "Without them I probably would have never met you." She smiled weakly, but the smile became wider when she heard Lexa chuckle.

 

"Remember what I told you about my grandfather and his stories? The one about soulmates?" Lexa asked and Clarke could only nod. She remembered that day very clearly. It was still early in their relationship, but the way they trusted each other led to Lexa sharing something about a person that had been very dear to her. Her late grandfather. "Well, you know that I don't really believe in it, but there is one thing that I truly believe in. He said that, no matter at which point in their lives, two people that are bound to be together would find their way to each other. They would meet eventually and they would get together, because that was their destiny." Clarke smiled even broader now and she couldn't help put gently pull down Lexa for a gentle and slow, meaningful kiss. She always said these beautiful things that somehow made Clarke feel better.

 

"Your grandfather was a really wise man." She said while gently cupping her girlfriend's cheek. She knew that Lexa had loved her grandfather dearly and that she still missed him sometimes, but she also knew that he would always live on in the brunette's heart. There was no way that Lexa would allow the world to forget about this wise man. This was another thing she loved about Lexa so much. She would never make a secret about the people she loved. No, she wore them in her heart.

 

"That he was."

 

* * *

 

 

"I went over all the paperwork. You are free to leave now, Clarke. But remember that you shouldn't overexert your body and that you stay in bed most of the time, okay?" The doctor said with a smile, which was answered by an even broader smile from Clarke's side and a nod. Lexa was happy that Clarke was finally able to go home. The days in hospital seemed to get longer and longer and the blonde just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Today they had done a last series of tests and after that the doctor has given his okay for Clarke to leave.

 

The last several days had passed in somewhat of a blur. Lexa would sleep in Clarke's hospital room (She may or may not have played the card of being the daughter of the people that held 80 percent of the shares of the hospital, even if she hated doing that.) and then she would leave for classes in the morning. She would come back for lunch and then head over to practice, just so that she could return later on. Clarke had insisted that she was fine and that Lexa had to keep up with her normal schedule and so Lexa had done that. She went to classes and she went to practice, while trying to just focus on that while being there. It was hard to not think about the blonde who has to stay in hospital, but she did the best she could.

 

Now though that Clarke would finally be able to go home with her, she was happy not only for the blonde but also for herself. Clarke was getting better every day and she was able to move around freely already, okay, well, at least halfway. The brunette had been so happy when Clarke was finally able to really get out of bed and take a short walk through the park. The doctors had been a little skeptical about this, but if Clarke was something it was stubborn and so she. Lexa and Jake had gone for a small walk through the hospital's park. Jake had told them the story of hoe he had met Abby in this park which caused them all to laugh because it was a somehow weird story. 

 

Jake told them that Abby had been a medical intern back then which was already something that caused Clarke to chuckle. The image of Abby being a stressed out and over worked intern was kinda hilarious, even Lexa had to admit that. Abby always seemed to be quite well put together, no matter how long she had worked that day, but hearing how Jake described the situation was something that didn't fit at all. Jake had been there to visit his mother who had a minor car accident and had to stay some days. He told them that he got bored and decided to head into the park. Since they weren't originally from here, Jake got lost and had literally no idea how to get back, because the park was huge. That was when he met Abby who was on her way to take a short cut through the park to get to the next patient. In the end, both of them got lost in the huge area, but somehow found themselves at the hospital again. 

 

"Now I have something I can annoy mom with, thanks dad." Clarke had answered and Lexa had simply chuckled because she could see how excited Clarke was about that. 

 

"And you have something you can fire back at Abby whenever you need." He winked at Lexa who was now laughing. Abby and her relationship was still not the best, but they were both trying, for Clarke's sake. Lexa didn't really like that woman but that was no secret, not even to Jake. He had told her once that sometimes he couldn't understand his wife either and that things weren't always rosy, then he told her that he was kinda envious about the perfect relationship that Clarke and she seemed to have. "Believe me, we fight about some of the weirdest things. Like were to hang a picture or something." She had replied back then which made him laugh. Then, he had mumbled something about acting like a married couple which had struck Lexa a little.

 

She really adored Jake. He was funny (Even if Clarke was of the opinion that his jokes were the worst.) ad he was really gentle and wise. He was everything Lexa had wised her own father would have been. Ryder had almost no sense of humor and was barely there to give advice whenever she needed it. He wasn't there to visit her games and he was hardly there for her when she had lost Costia. Seriously, Jake had attended more of her games than her own father by now and Jake had only been to two of them. 

 

By now, Lexa wasn't too bothered about this anymore. Some things would never change and therefore she gave up on being salty about not having a real, loving dad. Of course, Ryder was the perfect person to talk to whenever you have no idea what to do with your future, because he already had the perfect plan carved out for you, but that was about it.

 

The more overwhelmed had she been when she and Jake had sat in the cafeteria on their own for lunch a couple of days ago...

 

* * *

 

 

_"I have to thank you, Jake." Lexa said while poking around in her food. She had carefully planned on what to say now, because she didn't want to risk to piss of Clarke's second parent too. When he looked at her confusedly, she proceeded. "You have raised a strong, great and beautiful daughter. I have to thank you for that." She swallowed while waiting for the man's reaction._

 

_Jake smiled and looked into her eyes. "Clarke really is something special. But, that she was from the beginning, without my or Abby's influence. Right from the moment I held her for the first time I could tell that she would be someone special. She has had it hard, I know that. It really bothers me, but she is strong, especially with you by her side. I have to thank you for holding my precious daughter together, for being there for her."_

 

_At the way how he described Clarke, Lexa couldn't help but let a tear slip down her cheek. Clarke was so incredibly lucky to call this great man her father._

_Jake seemed to sense what she was feeling right now and he gently placed his hand on her shoulder. Another gesture that showed support and gratefulness...another gesture she had never experienced from her own father. No pat on the shoulder as a praise and no gentle smile like this. This was new to her and it felt so incredibly good. It felt as if somebody cared. She knew that Clarke cared deeply for her, but this was something different. This was something that could be described as parental love and therefore as something Lexa didn't know. "I want you to know that you're always welcome to come to me if you are struggling with something, okay? I'll be there and listen, maybe I'll even be able to offer some advice. I have been in a similar situation as you and I guess I kinda understand. So please, whenever you feel troubled with something, don't hesitate to speak to me, okay?" Lexa wanted to ask what he meant with being in a similar situation, but she was too overwhelmed to do so. She couldn't form any words. The only thing she could do was hug Jake Griffin and feel what she had never really felt. She could feel what it was like to have a caring father._

 

* * *

 

Now, they stepped out of the hospital and made their way home. Jake accompanied them to their apartment, while Abby had to stay at work for another four hours. The ride was filled with laughter and happiness.

 

Together they could make it.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	55. And you're not sure you can take this anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks!  
> Here's the new chapter and I hope you like it. Some things are about to change so let me know what you think about it.  
> Have a good day and take care,  
> Nickelback21

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke woke up with a start. This is the way it had been for the last several days. There had been no night that she was able to sleep through entirely and therefore she was beyond exhausted. The nightmares plagued her and so did the fear of going back to school. Every time she thought about going back to that place, she wanted to cry and scream. She had no idea what to do, because she knew that she had to go back there at some point. They only had a couple of months worth of classes in front of them until they had to take their finals and until she would finally be free, but these months were far too long. How could she get through them when it already made her feel nauseous to think about going back there? 

 

She needed her degree. Otherwise she won't be able to make her wish of becoming a doctor come true and she would end up with a dead end job. No perspectives and nothing that she could look forward to. She will never work in a hospital and she'll never get to save the lives she swore she will save. Giving up was also something that was a foreign concept to her. She had never conceded and she had never backed away from a challenge, but this? This was too much. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat and she couldn't live. All she was doing right now was existing. 

 

Lexa had been there for her every step and she was also the one to tell Clarke that this is not how it's going to be. She was the one who told Clarke that there were other ways to get her degree. Home-schooling for example of changing the school. And what had Clarke done? Right, nothing. She didn't look for a new school nor did she do anything to change her situation. She was too numb to do anything, too exhausted and tired to go for a change. She knew that Lexa was right and she knew that there was no way she would attend her old school for the next five months. Still, she couldn't bring herself to do anything.

 

Lexa was holding her right now like every night. She was soothing her despite being miserable herself, Clarke knew that. She could see how her girlfriends's eyes loosing their focus more often than not due to exhaustion. She could see the dark shadows forming under the brunette's eyes and she could see how Lexa had to drag herself through her harsh schedule. Football was now harder than ever because they were training for the big finale that would take place in March and due to the missing energy it was more exhausting to Lexa than ever. The blonde couldn't help but feel bad for all that. She couldn't belive what she was putting Lexa through and she felt so, so bad for doing it. It was because of her that Lexa almost failed an exam and it was due to her that Lexa had a hard time focusing on football. 

 

She felt panic rise in her chest again. She should just let Lexa live her life. She shouldn't bother her with the bullshit she was going through and there was absolutely no way she could allow herself to be the reason behind Lexa failing at something. No. She couldn't do that, not when she loved Lexa more than she ever thought she could. It was because she loved her that she needed Lexa to live a good life. 

 

"I'm not going anywhere, Clarke. We'll get through it and there is no way we will allow that to rip us apart." It was as if Lexa could read her mind. It was as if she knew exactly what insecurities were plaguing Clarke. Well, of course did she know. Lexa had been the one to help her through them as soon as they met. It was her who had been there to make her look past those insecurities and now she just knew how to read the signs.

 

"I don't want to bother you." The blonde choked out which got her an incredulous look from Lexa who looked at her as if she had now told the strangest thing that she could think of. Well, maybe to Lexa it was because the brunette had told Clarke over and over again that she was no bother to her and yet Clarke couldn't believe that she wasn't tying Lexa down. She had to be a burden even if Lexa assured her that she wasn't. Nothing else was possible.

 

"You will never bother me Clarke. I would give all I have to make sure that you are happy. Yes, this time is hard and yes, it costs a lot of energy, but we will make it through it. Remember what I have promised you? I will always be there for you. We have known each other now for quite some time and I think you know that I always mean what I say. That counts for this too. I'll always be with you, no matter how hard it will be." Lexa murmured softly which caused Clarke to calm down the slightest bit. She knew that she was being irrational and that was what had caused her to freak out this much. She was angry with herself and therefore she had no idea about how to deal with this. Her stupid mind had told her again that she was not worth it and she lost it. Lexa saying those beautiful things helped at least a tiny bit, because breathing became easier and the urge to just run off wasn't half as big as it was before.

 

"I can't go there again." Clarke blurted out. She really couldn't go back there, never. Going back there could cause her to fall back into old patterns that she was so tired of. She wanted to look forward but couldn't when the past was weighting her down. She couldn't win a battle she already lost but was too stubborn to admit she had lost. Because the events from earlier had told her that there was in fact no bright future in sight for as long as she still would attend this school. 

 

"You want to change schools?" Lexa asked with an understanding expression on her face. Clarke knew that Lexa would support her, because a change of schools had been the brunette's idea originally. Lexa had proposed the idea to Clarke when things were starting to run a little smoother, so back then, Clarke refused the idea because she was too stubborn to just give up. Now though, she saw that giving up might be her only chance to make it out there at least halfway sane. Her psych had suffered a lot already which was clearly visible to everybody out there but she couldn't risk to shatter into pieces. Once that happens, there is no way to patch her back up.

 

Clarke could only nod, too exhausted from the lack of sleep, the nightmares and the panic attacks. 

 

"How about we pay a visit to my old school? I attended Polis High for some time and it was definitely the best school I have been attending. The teachers are very nice and understanding, everything runs a lot smoother and there is another point that might be interesting for you." The last part got Clarke's attention. Of course, if Lexa talked that highly about a school, it had to mean something, because Lexa had attended the best schools in the entire country whenever her parents decided to move. She had been going to private schools mostly until she declared that she wanted to go to a public school, because she wanted to feel normal and not like a rich brat. Lexa had told Clarke that she never fitted into those fancy private schools because everyone there was plainly focused on how rich they were and on how they could impress each other the entire time. A friendship there consists of a competition and that was something Lexa hated. Yes, she was competitive, otherwise she wouldn't have made it this far, but a friendship shouldn't be about impressing each other, it should be about caring for each other. So, the brunette went to a public school. First Arkadia and then Polis.

 

"I remember you talking about how much you love to play soccer with your dad in your garden. You told me once that you were too afraid of being bad at it and therefore to make a shame of yourself. You feared that the people would find something else to bother you with, but I have seen you play. The day of Jake's return, you and he went outside and just played soccer. You are talented Clarke and Polis has an extremely good soccer varsity team. Maybe you can try out and finally do that what you wanted to all along." Lexa said it with so much compassion that Clarke almost snorted. She was right, Clarke loved kicking the ball around, but she had never played on a team before, because of the reasons Lexa had just told her. She had already been a target and making a fool out of herself because she sucks at playing soccer was definitely not on her bucket list.

 

"Then they already have something to use against me. Then it'll start again." Clarke mumbled, because that was what she was the most afraid of. The school change changing nothing. That the whole hell would break loose again and that she would have to go through everything again.

 

"No they won't. Polis school accepts almost everyone to their team who wants to play, because they support students wanting to do sports. They support each beginner and that is what makes them the best. The players don't have the same pressure as they have on other schools because they won't get kicked off the team after playing a bad match. They get told that the next time will be better and that if they train hard, they'll become better and better. On other varsity teams, you can't afford a single mistake before getting benched, but Polis supports everyone who is ambitious and wants to become better. And if there is one thing I have learned about you it is that you are ambitious as hell. You told me once that after finding out that you want to become a doctor, you worked hard to get better grades. Before you had average grades and now you're the best student in the entire year." Lexa smiled lovingly at her and Clarke wanted to believe it all. She knew that if she could trust anybody, it would be Lexa, but this sounded too good to be true. 

 

She really wanted to play soccer, she had always wanted to. Ever since she and her dad used to sneak out of bed at night to watch a Liverpool or Orlando City SC game. Abby had caught them once, but that didn't stop them. Clarke would sit there in her purple Orlando jersey, watching her favorite player play. And Jake would always tell her that she should rather watch European soccer, because they played better. The young blonde hadn't cared the tiniest bit. For her it wasn't about how successful her team was, no, for her it was about the sport itself.

 

After some time, they eventually founded the National Women's Soccer League and then, Clarke was a goner. She had always thought that women didn't get enough praise for playing football and now seeing them on the screen more often made her feel great. A little while after the league was established, Orlando had announced that they will found a women's club and after that, Clarke would watch every match she could. 

 

Also, Clarke really was ambitious. She would always fight for her goals and she hated to concede. But, still, the chance that she would make a fool out of herself was too big, wasn't it? Plus, she only had several months left in high school, it wasn't as if that was enough time to become a good player.

 

"I only have five months in school left, Lex." She sighed defeated. In her eyes there was no sense in starting something that would lead nowhere. 

 

"But then, you'll go to college and here they have a good team as well. You won't have to stop just because you're not attending high school anymore." Lexa pushed a strand of blonde hair behind Clarke's ear and gently kissed the corner of her girlfriend's mouth. "I have faith in you that you're going to make it, Niron." She smiled and gently caressed her cheek.

 

Clarke knew that she would have to wait and see, but she also knew that this was a chance she might regret not taking if she let it slide. Maybe she could just watch their training session once or twice. Also, at first she would have to settle the change of schools and therefore, the school had to be okay for her. So, they had to visit it at first.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Lexa had made pancakes and then they decided to pay the school a visit. They also called Jake because Clarke's parents would want to know what was happening. The older man told them that he would meet them there and that he thought it was a good idea to finally leave the sad past be the sad past. He wanted nothing more than for his daughter to be happy. Even if it would cost him everything he had.

 

The ride was spend in silence. Clarke was too anxious to start a conversation and Lexa was focused on the road. Yet, they were holding hands the entire time, so the silence wasn't too tense. Lexa hoped that Clarke would like this school. It honestly was a lot better than any of the private schools Lexa had attended and that had to mean something. The teachers were great people and the school in general was a lot better organized than Arkadia. Of course not everything was perfect there, but it was a lot better than what Clarke had now. 

 

When they arrived, Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand one last time, before getting out of the car. Jake was waiting in front of the building for them, a teacher, Ms. Gardener, Lexa recalled, already by his side. He was smiling widely as he saw the young couple walk over to them, hand in hand. Yes, this was something Jake couldn't get enough of. His daughter seemed to be more at ease whenever Lexa was around and the man couldn't thank the football player enough for that.

 

"Hey, dad." Clarke went to hug him while Lexa stood a bit in the back. Father and daughter were an inseparable duo and even if Jake still felt bad about how much he failed to judge his daughter's situation, Lexa knew that the blonde had forgiven her father as soon as he had held her in his arms again. 

 

"You must be Clarke then, I assume?" The teacher who seemed to be in her thirties said while extending a hand to the blonde. "I am Ms. Gardener and I will show you around today, okay?" She smiled and Lexa had to fight a gigantic grin when she saw the tension fading from Clarke's shoulders. She herself had always liked Ms. Gardener because she was such a gentle and understanding person who had helped her a lot when she was mourning Costia's death.  

 

"Yes. I'm Clarke. It's nice to meet you." Even if her voice didn't seem to overjoyed, Lexa knew that Clarke wasn't feeling too uncomfortable. The fact that she had said more than one word had told her so and her posture let her deduce as much either. Lexa had feared that Clarke would be closed of and shy, but for now, she seemed to be quite comfortable.

 

"And I see you brought a former student. Lexa Woods. It's good to see you again." The teacher smiled at the college student. "Likewise. It's interesting to be here again." Lexa smiled and shook the teacher's hand.

 

After that, the tour began and Ms. Gardener showed them around the entire building as well as the yard. She showed them where to find everything and they even talked to a fellow senior student who had an hour off right now, Echo, if Lexa remembered correctly. Clarke had been really interested into everything Ms. Gardener said and Lexa already felt that this could have been a good idea.

 

"Could you please show me where the soccer pitch is?" Clarke then asked, stunning both Jake and Lexa. During the night, they had talked about it, but Lexa had thought that nothing would come from it, which wouldn't have been a bad thing, but this? This showed her that her little speech hours ago had put some wheels inside Clarke's head into motion. 

 

"Yes of course. Do you play?" The teacher smiled at the small revelation and seemed eager to show them the soccer pitch. Lexa remembered Ms. Gardener to be one of the main supporters of the girl's varsity team and of the philosophy of allowing everyone to play who wants. 

 

"Not until now, but I always loved playing it in the backyard." Clarke replied with a shy smile on her face. She still seemed to be a little insecure about the whole thing, but Lexa didn't care. They made a lot of progress last night and she couldn't help the wide smile that spread on her face. She looked over to Jake who donned the same expression. When he looked back at her, he gave her a thumbs up behind Clarke's back and Lexa had to fight a chuckle. God, this man was everything she had ever wished from her father.

 

"Well, we are excited about anyone who wants to join our team. Our school is rather small and therefore everybody who wants to join the team gets their spot on the roster. Plus, we love ambitious young women who want to play soccer." Clarke smiled widely now and chuckled a little.

 

"Lexa told me that when we talked about it. Looks like she hasn't been lying." She winked at her girlfriend who feigned being hurt. 

 

"I would never." She exclaimed which earned her a chuckle from everybody that was there.

 

Yes, this really was a good idea.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	56. Just give it one more try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> guess who finally managed to get some writing done? Right, that would be me. Anyways, this chapter will be about the first day of Clarke's fresh start and therefore it's quite important. There are also a few new character's that will become a part of the story from now on and if you know a bit about women's soccer (especially American women's soccer) then, you'll probably recognize them.   
> I hope you like the chapter. Please let me know what you think in the comments.  
> Take care,  
> Nickelback21

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Nervous.

That's not even the right word for how Clarke was feeling right now. She was afraid, scared even and not only that...she was anxious and she hated herself for allowing this situation to have such control over her. She should be happy. Happy for having the chance of a new, fresh start in a place where nobody knows what has happened in the past and where she might become happy, well, at least happier than she was at her old school. But, she couldn't push past the fear that everything might be just the same as in the past. What if everything would go to hell again? What if she wouldn't even get a chance? What if she....

"I can almost hear you thinking, Niron. Listen to me, okay?" At first Clarke didn't even notice that Lexa was talking to her, because she had been in a daze of panic and fear that she couldn't clear away. Yet, the brunette had lightly touched her arm, which ripped Clarke out of her foggy mind. 

They were standing in front of her new school. Lexa had driven her here and now, the brunette was looking at Clarke with concern written all over her face. They had talked about it a lot last night, about the fears, the insecurities and the panic that were haunting Clarke day and night. The blonde had cried so much because she felt incredibly weak. She hated that her past had so much control on her and that her mind allowed her past to rule her life. It was as if she couldn't break away from the things that have happened in the past. The mix of emotions, the mix of anger, fear and panic had been too much and she couldn't fight off the following breakdown.

She didn't want the past to reign her life. She wanted to decide herself what she will do with it, but...somehow she couldn't. She couldn't let go of the demons that were haunting her and now, thinking back to the past night, she could already feel her throat constricting, she could already feel the weight that was pressing down on her chest and she could already feel the air becoming thinner and thinner around her.

What if everything will be just the way it was?

"Hey, hey, hey. Psss...It's okay, Clarke. You are allowed to be afraid and you are allowed to feel." In her daze, she could feel strong arms wrapping themselves around her body. These arms have been holding her together for the past weeks like nothing else did. These arms were her anchor and the person they belonged to was her save haven. Lexa would be there, no matter how late, early or ridiculous it would be. Lexa was there and she had no idea how to repay that. 

"I can't say that I know how this feels, but I know how it feels to be haunted by your past. Moving on and becoming stronger is a goal which is hard to achieve and which you have to fight for with all your might, but, in the end, it will be worth it. In the end you will be looking back and you can say that you made it. You made it past your past and you are so much stronger than the people that have been doing this to you." Lexa murmured softly into her ear. They both knew that Clarke could do it, but the blonde herself needed encouragement to see it. She knew that she could make it and that she could have a good time if she would start on moving on. It was hard, but deep down, she knew that she could do it. How? She didn't know. When? She didn't know either. Still, somehow she would do it.

"You needed a warrior, so that's what you became. Stay, fight, be a warrior." Clarke muttered these words mostly to herself, but she knew that Lexa had heard them when she felt her strong arms hugging her a bit harder for a second. Lexa had said those words the night before and Clarke found that she couldn't relate more to them. When she had had nobody to be there, she had become her own rock. She had learned how to fight, but that didn't mean that you are invincible. Not by any means. A warrior can lose and a warrior can be thrown into the dirt. A warrior is allowed to feel insecure about where to go now. But, there is one thing that classifies you as a great warrior. You will never back down, you will never give up. You'll fight.

And that's what she will do now. She will fight for a better future and she will fight for being able to move on from her dark past. She will be a warrior and she will fight her demons. 

"You can do it." Lexa murmured again and this time, Clarke could feel herself nod. She could feel the fear still running through her veins, but she could also feel some confidence there. "Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. Otaim." Lexa said and with those words, she loosened her grip on her girlfriend, who was now looking at her with much more confidence than she had seen from her in the last couple weeks. 

"Thank you." Clarke said with a small smile on her face before standing on her toes to press a gentle kiss on the brunette's lips. With Lexa by her side, she could do it.

"I love you." Was all Lexa said as a reply. 

Then, Clarke turned around and walked toward her new school and her new life.

* * *

 

"Hello, Clarke. It's good to see you again." Ms. Gardener was smiling at her when the blonde approached the teacher. They had decided to meet up before the first class so that Ms. Gardener would be able to show Clarke where she would have to go. The blonde somehow felt a little more at ease around this woman, but she could still feel the nervousness coursing through her veins despite her rush of confidence only minutes ago. 

"It's good to see you as well." Clarke nodded and smiled a little shyly. She couldn't hold the eye contact for too long though. After a few seconds she felt like she was being assessed again, just like the students of her old school did, even if she had absolutely no reason to react this way. Old patterns are hardly lost.

"Well, we should get started then, right? Here's your individual schedule. We have two bigger breaks and one lunch break. Luckily you don't have that many afternoon classes so that you won't be too stressed out." Ms. Gardener smiled and handed her her schedule. Clarke could easily make out that she got quite luck with this and therefore she didn't even dream of complaining about it. She might ask Lexa about the teachers though. 

"Oh, I almost forgot! You wanted to join the soccer team, right?" The woman was positively glowing right now and Clarke could only feel herself nodding. She had never expected to be this well accepted, at least by the staff of the school, about the students she had yet to find out. But for once she had hope. Still, this hope was mixing with fear and this was all in all a twisted feeling and she had no idea what to think right now. "That's great! How about you come and watch the practice today and then you'll pick up training tomorrow? I'm sure that you'll like it." Again, Ms. Gardener smiled at her encouragingly. 

They started walking through the hallways that Clarke now saw for the second time. School hallways would always feel suffocating to her, they would always feel like she couldn't escape and that she was trapped, but here it wasn't as bad as it had been at Arkadia.  _Yet._  She thought and immediately wanted to slap herself for being this pessimistic. Still, she couldn't help it.

Ms. Gardener and she had been chatting about soccer for the entire walk and Clarke couldn't help but feel welcomed by her, somehow this woman knew how to put her at ease.

"Okay, here we are. This is your Biology class. As you see on your schedule, its an advanced level class. We checked your grades and well, first of all, congratulations for being a straight A student and secondly, based on your grades, we decided that you could easily keep up with this class. Okay? Your teacher is Mr. Fields and he promised to make sure that you will be able to either keep up with the stuff they learn or that he will tutor you if you have to catch up a little, good?" The woman smiled encouragingly at her and at Clarke's nod, she gently knocked on the door. 

"Come in." A gruff male voice said from behind the door and with his voice, the nerves came back. Clarke dreaded facing the class, because then she will have to talk about who she was and stuff. Being out in the open...in front of everybody with at least thirty pairs of eyes trained on her, this was something she was afraid of. And yet? She didn't have much of a choice. It was either this, or going back to her old school. Back to the place that has been her personal hell for a while. She definitely preferred this.

"Hello, Mr. Fields. This is Clarke, the new student that will join your class." Mrs. Gardener offered after they stepped into the classroom. Clarke could already feel the stares that were being thrown at her, although it didn't feel like the stares she used to receive at her old school. There, the stares were insulting, accusing and mean. They used to send shivers down Clarke's spine and they used to make it impossible for her to breathe or to to gain the smallest piece of confidence.

This was different. The stares were curiously thrown at her. Some of the students even donned a small smile and that was something Clarke almost couldn't handle. People being kind to her was new and foreign to her. At least when it came to classmates. 

"Hello, Clarke. It's great to have you here. Please sit down on the empty chair next to Ashlyn. It's in the third row to your right." He said with his gruff voice, effectively stopping Clarke from over-analyzing the whole situation. She was thankful for him letting her be...she had feared that she had to talk about herself and why she chose to switch schools. She had absolutely no idea how she would have responded to that.  _Hello, my name is Clarke Griffin and I came here because I was being bullied and beaten up by the students from my former school._  This...would have never happened and thankfully she doesn't even have to think of an alternative. Not now at least. So, she just nodded and ventured towards her new seat, next to a blonde girl that was clad in a loose T-Shirt and black jeans. The blonde was smiling at her and Clarke could see a single dimple on her face.

"Hey, I'm Ashlyn. Though, please call me Ash." The smile had yet to vanish and Clarke, who was taken aback by the kindness of this girl, had yet to answer. She quickly shook her head to clear her head and then she replied by shaking Ashlyn's hand. "Hey, I'm Clarke." She replied quietly, not trusting her voice at all. 

"Okay, Clarke. I hope you know and understand DNA-Replication and stuff, because I have absolutely no idea and I need someone to explain it to me." Ash chuckled and shook her head, but somehow, Clarke could see a hidden self-consciousness behind the mask of humor. 

 _Okay, stop. You are over-analyzing this again, Clarke. You don't know her so you don't get to judge her._  She told herself before chuckling nervously. Seriously, she had absolutely no idea how to deal with people that were being kind to her. Back when she met Lexa, it had been the same thing, although there had been an immediate connection, she had had absolutely no idea how to deal with Lexa's kindness. And this? This was a classmate being kind to her and that was a foreign concept to Clarke.

"Yes, I understood that topic." She wanted to face-palm herself right now. Seriously? How stiff and boring could she come across? It almost was as if she wanted to tear all her progress down with her fat ass, leaving nothing in one piece.

"Miss Griffin. Can you please explain how the DNA is replicated in order to make a cell division possible?" Mr. Fields interrupted her train of thoughts that had gone out of control and pulled her back into reality. She fidgeted with her hands and she could feel her nervousness taking over.

 _You can do it._  Clarke heard Lexa's words in her head again. Her girlfriend had been giving her so much strength for today and she had been right. Clarke could do this, she could kick her past's ass and she could move on. Plus, she could answer this question. This was her chance to make the target she had on her back smaller, it was her chance to prove everybody that she could do it. "Yes, sir. At first the enzyme helicase divides the DNA-helix into two singular stands, then SSB stops the single stands from forming a helix again. After that primase builds the so called primers, which are made of RNA and are the starting point for the DNA-polymerase III. The mentioned DNA-polimerase III is held in place by a sliding clamp so that it can build a anticodogenous strand of DNA. After that the RNaseH enzyme destroys the RNA primers and ligase fills up the gaps that re left behind." Clarke answered and from the look on her teacher's face, she recalled all the details correctly. Thank god. 

Some of her new classmates were staring at her as if she had explained something completely new to them. For a fact, Clarke knew that they talked about this topic before so she was a bit surprised by the shock on her classmates faces. And not only that, she hated it that they were staring at her again. She couldn't help but think back to her past where she used to be called a nerd for knowing this and where the people laughed at her for knowing even more. She knew that this was different and yet she couldn't help it. It was ingrained in her brain, a solid part of her personality and therefor something she just couldn't control completely.

"That was awesome, Clarke!" Ash exclaimed first which earned her a chuckle from the whole class and even from the teacher himself. Even Clarke had to laugh a bit before looking down at her desk again in order to avoid some curious stares. "Well, Ashlyn, while I might not have phrased it that way, I agree with you. This was pretty good. You talked about this topic before?" He asked and Clarke nodded. It has been a while ago but she can still remember most of it.

After that, Mr. Fields took over and explained the whole process again to the class, although it became obvious that over the duration of the lesson, not everyone had understood the whole concept of it. Clarke was just happy that she actually managed to impress some people here and that she wouldn't have to catch up on the content of this lesson. About the other classes, she had yet to find out. 

When the bell rang, a lot of the people stormed out of the classroom, leaving only her, Ashlyn, who was waiting for her and three guys from the last row behind. "Well, at least no I know who's gonna help me survive the finals." Ash said with a sigh although Clarke could see that it had been meant to be funny. Somehow, it was hard for Clarke to laugh at school or in general, but this drew a small chuckle from her. 

"I could bring my notes about that topic tomorrow. You could look through them and then you can decide whether or not you need more help with it." Clarke offered and she almost was proud about talking for more than a short clipped sentence.

"That would be awesome. Thank you so much. I can't afford to fail this class, because then my scholarship might be cancelled." Now Clarke was one hundred percent sure that there was self consciousness hidden. She could hear it and she could see it in the girl's eyes. Still, Clarke found herself wondering for what the girl had gotten her scholarship. She wasn't sure to what extend she should get involved with her. For what she knew this whole thing could backfire again and hell would break loose again. Yet, she found herself trying to get o know her. Maybe it was because of her classmate's easy going attitude or just because she really wanted to have a shot at making real friends. Friends that would be there for her and that would understand her need for being alone every once in a while. This was a fresh start after all.

This inner conflict between her protective mechanisms and her wants was exhausting her. She had no idea what to do and she had no idea what would be the right thing to do. Except, she knew exactly what would be the right thing. A new start and a new shot at making friends. She will have to fight, but she found herself willing to accept this challenge. Maybe at some point she will be able to function as a completely normal young adult again. 

"You are welcome. What's the scholarship about?" She found herself asking faster than she had expected. Her voice did waver a little and everyone could probably hear her insecurity, but from the looks of it, her classmate didn't seem to care, or at least it seemed like Ash didn't want to call her out on it. 

"I got a athletic scholarship for the local university. I'm the goalkeeper of the girl's soccer team here and the captain. Which brings me to something I've meant to ask you. I've heard that you wanted to join the team?" The keeper asked and Clarke immediately wondered how the keeper could have gotten that information that fast. The question was quickly answered though, because Clarke remembered that she was the team's captain and that Mrs. Gardener seemed to be pretty involved in the team's development. 

Something that she quickly had come to learn about the keeper was that she wasn't a huge fan of talking about herself. At least was that what Clarke learned from the quick change of topic now. But since she herself wasn't a huge fan of that, she understood.

"Yes...I've never played in a real team though so I'll probably suck. But I love soccer and so, I thought I might as well try." Clarke chuckled nervously. She knew that she wasn't too shabby of a soccer player but she also knew that she lacked any experience and that the other players of the team were most likely a lot better than she was. 

Ashlyn grinned like a little child at that set of information Clarke had just provided her with. The dimple appeared again and Clarke found herself smiling a bit too. "That's great! We can use everybody on the team, experience or not. Have you thought about which position you'd like to play? Sadly we've been quite unlucky with injuries this season so I guess you'll get your chance faster than you'd expect." The keeper said giddily and Clarke could see that she really loved the sport and not only that. She loved her team and she wanted the best for it.

"I uh...I think I'd like to try out as a center back or a defensive midfielder...I've never been someone for striking...I think." She stumbled and she could feel her voice wavering. In fact, Clarke wasn't too sure about this. Every time, she and her dad had played soccer in their garden, she had been good at keeping a clean sheet but also failed at scoring goals. Seriously, she was in no way a striker or an offensive midfielder or even a right or left forward.

"You have no idea how well this fits. One of our center backs recently fractured her foot. There are still two but we have no back up, so like I said, you'll get your chance." The keeper beamed and Clarke found herself smiling too again. 

This was definitely a good start.

* * *

The rest of the day passed quite quickly and Clarke found herself actually liking this school already. She still had her doubts and she has had a hard time to open up to conversations with people that actually wanted to get to know her. Seriously, she had never expected this to run this smoothly. 

Ashlyn had invited her over to have lunch with her and her friends in the cafeteria and Clarke quickly learned that this group only consisted of the team. They all accepted her and even involved her in their conversations so that Clarke actually felt welcomed in their group. 

After lunch, they all went to soccer practice. Clarke got to see how the team was practicing and she found herself even more motivated to start playing herself. The running drills, dribbling and tackling was exactly what she was looking forward to. Back when she and her father had been practicing in their garden, she had always loved to take the ball away from her father despite him being much bigger and stronger than her. Seriously somehow she almost always managed to sneak the ball away from him and sometimes he would even end up in the mud. 

After practice she waited for her classmates to return since they had promised to walk her to the parking lot. Clarke couldn't really believe that this day had gone by so smoothly. Seriously, she had expected everything but the exact turn out of events. She had expected to be laughed at, she had expected to be ignored or to be started at, but she didn't expect to be welcomed here this friendly. It was almost too good to be true. 

The entire time, her mind has been trying to warn her, to get her to stop getting to know the others because that would mean that she is vulnerable in front of them. They could easily make her time at this school even more horrendous than the time at her old school was and yet, she found herself blocking these thoughts out more often than not. Although she was sure that the team kind of noticed her awkwardness sometimes. Whenever she had been asked a question or was integrated in a conversation she would fumble with her sleeves, look around nervously in order to check that they do mean it seriously and that they weren't making fun of her and she would sometimes stutter. It was impossible to not see that she was the perfect picture of a socially awkward teenager, but she felt as if the team chose to ignore that. Maybe they didn't want to pressure her. But maybe they would be making fun of her the moment she would leave the school for the day...

This inner conflict was tiring. 

She wanted so hard to believe that this was the start of a new life for her. A life where bullying was a part of the past rather than the present and where she could finally find some friends that were actually caring about her or at least that were considerate enough to let her be who she was, because Raven and Octavia, well...After the fight a while ago, the three of them tried to form a real, steady friendship again, but that was easier said than done. Especially when your name is Clarke Griffin and when you have serious trust issues. Still, she was thankful for their effort and that they were trying to be there for her. Especially when...when she was beaten up a few weeks ago. Without them she wold have probably never gotten the chance of a fresh start. If they hadn't called Lexa and the police and stepped in for her, she would have suffered a lot more...and she didn't even want to think about the possible extent.

"I'm sorry it took so long, but coach thought it was a perfect time to talk about the next game. Seriously, all we wanna do is go home, ya know?" Ashlyn shook her head with a slight chuckle. Clarke was thankful for the distraction, because otherwise she probably would have lost her inner battle and would have gone home without saying goodbye. 

"That's important and you know it." Another teammate swatted the keepers head, causing Clarke and the other teammates to chuckle. Yes, Clarke was chuckling. At school. Something she wouldn't have done ever again at her old school. Not after what happened the last time.

She quickly shook her head and started walking alongside Ashlyn and some of the keeper's friends to the parking lot. "Do you have a ride home?" The keeper asked and Clarke found herself scanning the parking lot for a certain Mustang that she knew would be here. Lexa had promised that she would give her a ride home again since she also gave her one to school because Clarke hadn't trusted herself enough to drive here with her father's motorcycle. She had been far too nervous and unfocused for that to end well and therefore she happily accepted her girlfriend's offer.

 _Oh crap! Her girlfriend._ Clarke mentally wanted to face palm herself. She hadn't talked to any of her new classmates about that and so she had no idea whether or not they would accept that or not...on the other hand would she kick them out of her life again quickly if they didn't. She wanted a new start but the relationship she had with Lexa was still a major part of her life and so her potential teammates just would have to accept it. 

"Yeah. That's my girlfriend's car over there." She pointed at the Mustang that was now driving in their direction. Clarke literally shook her head when she saw Lexa glaring at her companions out of her car. Almost as if she was judging them and as if she was checking if the meant any danger to Clarke. 

"Phew. Nice car!" The keeper exclaimed happily when Lexa stopped the car in front of them. Clarke smiled and nodded although she didn't care much about the car. It was more important who was in the car. And that was her girlfriend who now stepped pout of the car. 

"Hey, Lex." Clarke smiled as she walked over and closed the distance between them. Although she really wanted to kiss her very passionately now because she had just gone several hours without Lexa by her side, she didn't. Instead she quickly pecked her lips and hugged her closely. PDA has never been her thing anyways, plus now she was nervous about the team judging her. Even if she knew that she shouldn't care what others said about her. It was ingrained in her brain and she couldn't help it.

"Woods. You are dating Lexa Woods?" Ashlyn asked with her mouth wide open and in all honesty, Clarke wouldn't be surprised if the keeper would catch one or two flies. 

"Care to tell me who that is?" Her girlfriend asked with a small chuckle that was only meant for Clarke to hear. The blonde grabbed the brunette's hand and lead her towards where Ash and the others stood. 

"Guys, this is my girlfriend Lexa. Lexa these are Ashlyn, Whitney, Ali and Christen." She said when a small conversation between Lexa and her new classmates developed, she knew that this could be it. This could be her new, fresh start. Her second chance.

Her new life.

 

* * *

 

 

 


	57. Try-outs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I finally managed to finish this chapter and I am happy to share this with you. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> Take care.
> 
> Nickelback21

 

 

* * *

 

 

It has been quite a while since she kicked a soccer ball around and therefor, Clarke was more than nervous once again. It was her second day of school and until now it had been pretty good. She still couldn't believe how different this school was from her other school. The teacher here actually cared about the well being of every student and the students didn't look at her like she was an alien or something. She really had the feeling that she might have a chance here and this was what scared her the most. What if she screwed up again? What if this was all an illusion? She had talked about this with Lexa so often that she really should believe what her girlfriend said to her and she was slowly starting to. It may only be her second day of classes but she already felt better than during all those years at her old school. 

 

She had sat at her team's table again at lunch and she even allowed herself to fall into conversation with some of the teammates that she had yet to get to know. It was as if there was a lever in her head that had been switched. The fear was still there but now she was thinking that she might as well enjoy this time. Maybe for once, life would be on her side and maybe this was her way to get past her past. 

 

"It won't be bad. Coach will assess where your individual strengths are and then she will go on from there. You also won't have to do that all alone, there are other defenders with you and I'll be behind you." Ashlyn said when they walked over to the pitch. Clarke had been fidgeting with her sleeves and she was more than nervous. The keeper must have probably noticed this and was now resting a comforting hand on her shoulder. They arrived at the locker rooms and Clarke sighed. Ashlyn was right. She wasn't alone in this and she somehow felt a bit more relaxed at the thought of her teammates being by her side. She had never experienced what it meant to have a team behind your back, because she had always been a lone fighter, someone who fend for herself, but this? This was something else entirely. The team had her back and was supporting her even if they met her only a day ago. This support had always been something she had dreamed about secretly and now that she somehow got it, it felt so special to her. 

 

"Let's see if you rock this kit as well as we do." Whitney winked at her and Clarke found herself chuckling. They entered the locker room and Clarke immediately spotted the unoccupied spot with a pristine, brand new training kit on the bench. On her right she could see a goalkeepers kit with Ashlyn's 24 on the back and to her left she could see Christen's 23 kit. She herself had no idea what number she got, but when she moved closer she could see that it was the number 4. She smiled at the idea of having something like her own number on her own jersey, it somehow felt special to her. The kit was colored almost entirely black but had dark blue details that somehow looked great. There were dark blue stripes that ran down the shoulders and the sides of the shorts as well as the dark blue and grey school logo stitched on the left side. "Go on and try it on." Ali winked at her when Clarke simply let her hand graze the number four that was printed ion the back. 

 

"I didn't expect to get my own kit already. Don't they wait until they see me play? It's not like I am any good at all." She chuckled nervously. As great as it was to have her own jersey and stuff, she wasn't really sure if she would do the team a favor in playing for them. They were extremely successful after all and she didn't want to burden them with her inability to play. 

 

"Yeah well, coach is happy to see that we got a replacement for our injured player. We never had a real back up for her and now that she's injured we are royally screwed. Nobody expects you to be perfect because we all know that you never played on a real team but believe me, coach will give you a real chance and you will learn a lot from her." Ashlyn placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and smiled at her warmly. Clarke's shoulders slumped a bit and she sighs audibly. Ashlyn was right but she was still freaking about about possibly being the number one center back for the next few matches. Seriously, she had no experience whatsoever and she didn't even know if that what she picked up from her father would be of any use in a real match.

 

She took a deep breath, trying to compose herself and then nodded. "Okay, I can do this." She smiled weakly and then pulled the kit off the hook. She quickly changed and before she could really process what was happening, she was stepping out on the field with her teammates on her side. Somehow this all felt right and she really felt as if this was her new purpose. The insecurities pushed aside, she and the others met up with the coach who was smiling brightly at them. That woman seriously took joy in the sport and it made Clarke smile right back at her new coach.

 

"Okay girls. I am sure you all already met Clarke Griffin. She is new here and I expect you to respect her and I want you to show her the ropes, deal?" After the team replied in unison with "Yes, Coach." The coach proceeded. "I was informed that you are going to play center back, am I correct?" Clarke found herself nodding and replying with her own stern 'Yes, Coach.' "That's perfect. We'll do some warm ups at first but then I'll have you train with our defenders to see what you got." The coach smiled warmly again and winked at her which made the team laugh. The blonde had never felt so comfortable besides when she was with Lexa. When she thought about her girlfriend she found herself smiling. It has been quite some time and their relationship already felt like they had been together for even longer, but thinking about the brunette that was her girlfriend still put a silly smile on her face.

 

"Good. Four laps and then I'll have Ali finishing the warm up program with running drills. Go." The team groaned in frustration, but Clarke couldn't help smiling. Seriously, she had never been looking forward to running as much as she was doing now. 

 

After finishing the laps as one of the first and nailing Ali's running drills, she found herself paired up with the other defenders against their massive forward squad. They were four defenders that had to prevent three forwards and two offensive midfielders from scoring. It was hard at first because she had never played with anyone other than her father and maybe a cousin or two at most. Now there were so many people and it was a bit overwhelming at first, especially because it was her task to keep the center clear. She was seriously happy that her fellow center back was directing the defensive line with utmost confidence that it was hard to screw up entirely. In the end, she found the groove and was getting better by the minute. The longer practice got, the heavier her legs got but she couldn't stop smiling because, yes, it had been a great idea of Lexa to try out for this team. She had always loved playing with her dad and she loved this, playing with an entire team behind her back, even better. It was fun, they laughed a lot, but they also worked hard so it was no surprise that she could feel her muscles burning and the sweat dripping down her neckline.

 

She even was too focused to notice Lexa who had come at some point to watch her girlfriend play. 

 

After the coach blew the whistle for the last time of the day, the team gathered once again. All of them were sweating and panting but they all donned easy smiles. Everybody here loves the sport and Clarke could feel it. "Really impressive session today. Especially you, Clarke, but we will talk about that after if you have some time to spare." She smiled at the blonde who simply nodded with a bright smile on her own. "Good. We will meet up tomorrow again for the last session before the match on Friday night. I expect you all to be here and fit. You're dismissed." The team slowly started leaving the pitch, but not before padding Clarke on the shoulder or throwing her a thumbs up or something. 

 

"I am happy that you tried out Clarke. It was great to see how you fulfilled the tasks of a center back. I am impressed that you managed to stop Christen more often than not seeing that she is incredibly talented as well. Sure, we'll have to work on certain things but it's nothing too graphic actually." She smiled at Clarke and the blonde found herself nodding. 

 

"Thank you. I have always wanted to play on a real team, but I never had the chance to while I was visiting my old school, so I am truly happy that I get this chance now." Clarke said.

 

"Then it is even more impressive. I heard that you never played on a team but you fit in here really well so I would be happy to have you in my team and wear that number four. Are you for playing some time in the game on Friday?" The coach asked and Clarke was nodding even before the sentence was finished. Yes, she was a bit insecure about her technique and general talent, but if the coach was asking this, it had to mean that she was at least doing something right. "Yes absolutely. I mean I'd understand if I'd end up as a bench warmer, because let's face it, I am a newbie, but of course I'd love to play." Clarke smiled brightly because she had gotten a real chance this time. Before, she had never had a real chance to begin with and now Lexa had given her a chance and the team as well as the coach had given her a chance. For once it all felt right.

 

"Good. I will see you tomorrow then. Ashlyn will hand you the other practice gear as well as some other stuff." The coach smiled and Clarke smiled right back before almost skipping the way towards the locker room when she saw Lexa leaning against one of the posts. The brunette was wearing Clarke's favorite leather jacket as well as sunglasses, black combat boots and a black denim jeans. Immediately, Clarke found herself changing directions.

 

* * *

 

 

Watching Clarke play had been one of the greatest things Lexa had seen in her life. The blonde had been so concentrated and she had been smiling the entire time even when it got really exhausting. The blonde looked so happy and Lexa could feel this happiness herself, because she was so glad that Clarke finally seemed to get a real chance at starting anew. 

 

After the coach had dismissed her girlfriend, she was watching her walking straightly to the locker rooms, but she found herself smiling when she saw that Clarke had seen her. 

  
"You did great out there. I knew you had to be good but you definitely topped my expectations." She smiled happily and leaned down to kiss the slightly smaller blonde. It was meant to be a sweet and gentle hello kiss, but Lexa immediately felt Clarke pressing her lips more firmly against hers. The blonde's tongue easily slid past Lexa's lips and the brunette let out an involuntary moan. 

 

"That's not the only thing I am going to top today." The blonde smirked when the pulled apart and that comment clearly caught Lexa off guard. Normally Clarke wasn't really a person to make these kind of comments but today seemed to have been a boost for her confidence.

 

"Mhm...we'll see about that. " Lexa raised an eyebrow but smiled widely. It made so happy to see that Clarke was getting better and that the blonde got accepted this smoothly. She had expected this school to be better for her girlfriend but not in a thousand years she would have expected it to turn out this great, even if it had only been a couple days. She bent down again and kissed her girlfriend again, this time more slowly and delicate to convey her happiness.

 

"Thank you, Lex. I was afraid of switching schools but you made me look past my fears, you saw that I needed a fresh start and you made it possible, you told me to go and try out for this team because you could see that I wanted to actually play on a team. I am so grateful for all that you have done for me and I love you so much." Clarke said with an emotional voice and Lexa could see a small tear escape the blonde's eye. She quickly brushed it away with her thumb and smiled warmly at Clarke.

 

"You knew what was right for you and you did all of this yourself. All you needed was a little push and I am more than happy to be the person that stands behind you to remind you that you are capable of great things and I will always encourage you to do what you love and what you want." She quickly pulled Clarke close and she held her girlfriend just like the day they had met the first time. She smiled when she thought of how far they had come ever since that day. Never would she have thought that this girl, that seemed so lost back then, that had no idea if she would be able to carry on would end up being the love of her life.

 

After a while of holding each other closely, they separated again this time with easy smiles on their faces. "Now go shower, you stink of sweat." The brunette said with a small laugh in her voice and Clarke merely shook her head, turned around and flipped her off, but Lexa knew that the blonde was smiling as well.

 

After watching Clarke disappear in the locker room building, she was about to walk back to her car when she felt someone tapping her on her shoulder. "I had a feeling that I would see you here again." A familiar voice said and Lexa couldn't believe her eyes when she saw who really was Clarke's new coach.

 

"Mrs. Fields. It's good to see you again." She smiled warmly at her former teacher that had helped her through the hardest time of her life. Mrs. Fields had been helping her when Costia died and Lexa had struggles with keeping going. 

 

Yes, Clarke really did have a good new start.

 

 

* * *

 

 


	58. Game day

 

 

* * *

 

 

For the first time in years, going to school was something Clarke was looking forward to. The blonde couldn't really believe how well she was accepted here and she couldn't think of a better possible start, because now she had friends who sat with her at the table in the cafeteria and who talked to like she was a part of this group for years when it only were several days. 

 

Today was Friday and this day marked her first ever gameday while playing in a real team. Ash and the others had assured her that she would do just fine if the coach were to sub her in and they even went as far as saying that she might as well start because they would have to have an defensive midfielder filling that empty spot as a center back otherwise. That wouldn't be a real issue but Ash was of the opinion that the person in question was better off playing on her regular position. Clarke herself was nervous but it wasn't a bad version of nervousness. It was more like she was anticipating the game and she really couldn't wait for school to be over. 

 

Right now she had an hour off and sat in the cafeteria with Ali who was scrolling idly through her phone. They were chatting about some mundane things while trying to pass time scrolling through news feeds or social media. Clarke was glad to see that she wasn't the only one who wanted this day to pass as quickly as possible and sadly, the hour didn't seem to pass at all right now. She was texting Lexa the entire time even if the brunette had class but the quarterback was one of the best students in her year and therefor her professors didn't mind it at all. At least was that what Lexa told her when Clarke once asked about it. But now, Lexa had practice herself and so Clarke had to pass time reading some news on her phone because she never really had been someone who would use social media at all. 

 

 _Oy, I heard your first game is this evening. O an I will be there, so you better play well._ Raven had texted her and Clarke couldn't help but shake her head. Things are still somewhat rocky between her and the other two but over the last few days she had texted them more and now she was even happy that they will be there. Maybe they could have a real shot at a normal friendship now that Clarke was in for a fresh start. The young blonde found herself hoping on better days in the future more during the last few days and for the first time she allowed herself to do so, because from the looks of it, she might really get a better future.

 

The Clarke Griffin that left Arkadia High not too long ago would scold her for hoping but the Clarke that was sitting in the cafeteria now thought otherwise. Hope didn't seem like such a bad thing after all. She first had learned hoping when she met Lexa because her girlfriend had showed her that fighting is worth it and that she just shouldn't allow her fears consume her. It had been hard and to be fair she really struggled even after meeting Lexa but that moment, when she allowed a foreign brunette comfort her in her former teacher's office, started changing her. It made her grow and it still does. She had to thank Lexa for her life because she had no idea if she would have been able to keep up with all the bullshit life threw at her without having a strong shoulder to lean on. The brunette had shown her that faith was worth it and she had shown Clarke that she didn't have to be miserable. 

 

 _Count on it. Coach told me after my first practice that I might play a few minutes today._ She typed back after shaking herself out of her thoughts. 

 

"Man, why can't this damn time pass! I want to tie up my cleats and go out on the pitch and not sit here." Ali groaned suddenly which made Clarke chuckle. She really liked the defender because she was such a calm person but shared her love for playing soccer. Seriously, she would almost say that Ali would go insane if she had to stop playing.

 

"Yeah it's terrible. I still have biology class after lunch and then we still have to wait several hours until evening." She laughed and shook her head. Clarke couldn't wait as well.

 

* * *

 

 

"Okay, ladies. Today we have to give everything we have. There are not many games left and now every won point is one point closer to our goal. I know you can do it and I know that with all the work we put into practice we have a real shot at winning this year. Keep that in mind the entire time and let it me your motivation to go above and beyond to win this. Sankru is beatable and you know that so get out there and show everyone who came to watch us that we are capable of achieving great things. Go, go, go!" The coach shouted and every player in the locker room started clapping and shouting their agreement. They could do this and they will give everything they have to win this game.

 

Clarke was excited and really pumped to step out on the field. She might have never stood on the pitch in a real game but in the end she thought that she can rock this if she puts everything into it. Coach has had enough faith in her to put her on the field as a starter and while a bit surprised about this turnout, she was happy about this chance. Ash had been there and clapped her on the shoulder after warm ups and told her that she would always right behind her plus she had the others with her the entire time. Ali would play right next to her and the others would tell her what to do. The blonde couldn't believe how lucky she was to play in this squad where she wouldn't be on her own at all. It was a real team, a real unit that worked like a well oiled machine. 

 

So now, she stepped out on the field, rocking her jersey with the number four and smiling happily at the filled stands. Somewhere there were her parents, Lexa and Raven and Octavia. The little self consciousness that was still left was replaced with pride and she confidently strode to her spot. This was her chance and she will take it.

 

As soon as the first whistle blew, Clarke found herself in some kind of tunnel. Moving as the came shifted from one side to the other and pushing up while her forwards were in possession of the ball to apply more pressure on the opponents. And that worked perfectly. Their coach had warned them that Sankru's forwards were dangerous but that their defensive line was shaky by any means. For most of the time, the ball was in their half and all Clarke and her fellow defenders had to do was push up and shift as the game shifts. 

 

But well it wouldn't be a real match if there weren't some tough calls. The the sankru's strikers somehow managed to slip past the defensive line were rare but not any less dangerous. Every time that happend, Clarke found herself running after them faster than she deemed possible. Seriously, she had never thought that her first game would go so well considering she had never played in a real team.

 

That was until the 76th minute. Clarke's positioning was slightly off and the opposing strikers immediately saw the chance and took it. There was a cross and Clarke did everything she could to prevent the inevitable to happen. It seemed that everything was not enough. The ball connected with the striker's head and she sent it flying past Ashlyn, hitting the back of the net. Clarke could only clench her teeth to prevent herself from cursing far too loudly. This goal was on her, she screwed up because her positioning was off. They had around fifteen minutes left and Clarke's pessimistic mind told her that they wouldn't make it. Throughout the entire game they had been dominating Sankru like nothing else but failed to score a goal. Hitting the post more often than not or somehow missing shots entirely. And now, because of Clarke's mistake they were going to lose.

 

"Hey, Griffin. Shit like that happens, heads up and see to it that we score." Ashlyn said after fishing the ball out of the net. She must have seen Clarke's defeated look. The keeper was right, Clarke knew that. She was allowed to make mistakes because hey it was still her very first match, but still, it was bugging her that they had to hurry now because of her. They've had everything under control for so long and now the opponents had leverage over the game. 

 

Still, Clarke pushed her self consciousness aside and made her way back to her spot. They needed to score and therefor there was no space for thoughts of how badly she screwed up.  

 

* * *

 

 

The time was working against them, but they kept pushing further. Trying to get the goal they so desperately needed to tie. Now it was the 83rd minute and Ali launched an attack from her spot on the right side. The defenders had been given orders to push up and support the offensive line and the midfield. Now they had numbers on their attack and Clarke could only watch from her spot where she was securing the backline, how the beautifully shot ball soared through the air. Finding Alex in the middle of the box without any defender by her side. The striker took the ball directly and sent it flying into the upper right corner. 

 

Cheering erupted and Clarke found herself running forward to meet her team in a tight embrace to celebrate the goal. It wasn't her doing but she was just so happy that they managed to tie with still some time left on their hands. "Now we finish them off." Was all Ali said with a slight smirk that made Clarke smile and nod. Yes, playing in a team was a truly great experience.

 

And how they finished them off. 

 

With not even five minutes left in the game, they threw everything they had at their opponents defense. They stood no chance. 

 

After a set of fast, short passes, they managed to rip a hole in the tight defensive line of Sankru and there was Alex again, doing what she does best. Scoring.Seriously, Clarke had seen many games of professional players and she could only see Alex as one of them at some point. Just like she saw Lexa as one of the star quarterbacks after she finishes her degree. 

 

After incredibly tense three minutes of stoppage time, the referee blew the whistle for the last time and Clarke rushed towards the middle of the pitch where her team was celebrating their hard earned victory. "That was one hell of a volley, Alex. Great job!" She exclaimed when she finally got to the striker. The slightly taller girl just laughed and high-fived her. 

 

They went to see off their opponents and then the teammates went to find their respective viewers, friends and family. Clarke of course spotted her folks immediately and when she spotted one certain person, her face lit up like a halo. Lexa was standing there with a proud smirk on her face and seeing this look, Clarke somehow forgot to get seriously pissed at herself for screwing up. Her girlfriend, her parents and her friends were all sitting there wearing proud looks and it made her heart beat faster. 

 

"I am so proud of you, kiddo." Her father said while he engulfed her in a bone-crushing hug. She smiled and wrapped her arms around his strong body. "Always knew you'd make it." He added after separating with a wink. Clarke could only shake her head before going to hug everyone else. Octavia and Raven were proudly donning her teams colors and they were rooting for her, happy that their friend finally got a new start. 

 

When Clarke finally arrived at Lexa's seat, she didn't stop herself from crashing their lips together. She was just so incredibly happy that she was here and that Lexa had helped her to achieve all this. Without the brunette by her side, she would still be stuck at her old school and she would have never gotten the chance to start in this team. "I knew you were a natural." The slightly taller girl said while caressing her cheek after their kiss had ended. Clarke shook her head and chuckled. It was so Lextra to say something like that to her because her girlfriend would always find something to say that would make Clarke feel special and loved. "I love you." The blonde said and kissed her girlfriend again. "I love you, too. And I hate to say this, but you should really consider taking a shower." Lexa added and chuckled which made Clarke laugh. "Really? I thought I would cuddle up to you like this." She motioned down her body, indicating her uniform and the dirt on her knees. "Not gonna happen. You'll have to take the couch." Lexa played along and Clarke feigned being hurt. "How dare you? Besides, we have two guestrooms." She said while shaking her head. 

 

This is what happiness feels like and she couldn't wait to get home and just show Lexa how happy she was right now.

 

"Okay, I'll just take a shower." She said with a wink before turning to say goodbye to everybody that came to watch her play. Lexa would wait to drive home with her because it wouldn't make sense to drive with two cars. 

 

She went to the locker room and couldn't help but look forward to the next match. 


	59. Opportunities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends.  
> It has been a while, I know. But currently my life is really crazy and everything is crashing down on me at once, but I found some time to write today. I really missed this story, but to be honest it wasn't really an active part of my day to day plan for a long time. My crazy schedule is keeping me busy, but yeah, I guess most people know that feeling. Anyway, please let me know what you think or talk to me about anything. I am happy to listen.  
> Have a good day.  
> Nickelback21

 

* * *

 

 

The next few weeks flew by and Clarke couldn't help smiling when she looked back. Goodbye to all the lunchbreaks spent alone, goodbye to being bullied and hello to a new, fresh start. There were only a few weeks left until graduation now and to add to the stress of the finals, she had to focus on the grand finale of this years season. Their team had made it far and Clarke could tell that her abilities as a defender are getting better and better with each practice and every match. When she signed up to the soccer team, she would have never thought that she would get this much playing time. To be honest, she expected to be one of the benchwarmers, but boy was she wrong. After several weeks, she was a regular in the starting line-up and she found herself playing more often than not. Of course, that was only because their former center back was still injured, but she really enjoyed the chance.

Two weeks ago, Ash had told everybody incredibly happy that she caught the attention of the coach of the north Carolina Tar Heels and that she was very likely to get a scholarship that covered everything. This was great news, really, and everybody was happy for her, but it also made Clarke realize that her time here in this great team was limited. After graduation they would each go their own way, hopefully staying in touch or seeing each other during college matches. It was a bittersweet moment for everybody. Yes, they got to leave highschool and all the crap behind themselves, but they also had to say goodbye to their friends and g their own way. Clarke had only just met them and now she had to think about how she could possibly stay in touch with them.

Half a year ago, she would have scoffed at herself. Why would she even have tried to get to know new people  when she was about to lose them anyway? There had been no hope for her back then and there had been no real reason for trying and now? Now everything was different. Ali, Ash and Alex have shown her that it is worth trying even if it might not be forever. It was worth to go out there and find someone to be friends with. It was all worth it. How her life had changed. She couldn't really grasp it. 

They were seated in the cafeteria at the moment and were idly chatting about the finale next Sunday, when their coach arrived at their table. "Hey, ladies. I hope I am not disturbing anything important right now, but I need to see Clarke and Alex after practice. Is that possible for you?" She asked and Clarke could see Alex furrow her brows in her peripheral view. She herself had no idea what this could be about. It's not like they had done anything wrong, had they? They always attend practice and Clarke knew that they both always gave 150 percent on the pitch. They were also doing well in school, in Clarke's case even exceptionally well. She had scored 1560 points on her sat and she was doing more than well in her classes. So what could it be? "It is nothing bad, I promise. You can look forward to it." She smiled and then excused herself from the table, leaving the girls to stare confusedly at each other. 

"This was really weird. What could that be about?" Alex asked and Clarke could only shrug. She had no idea. "I mean it's not like we screwed something up, right?" The forward looked at the center back. "Nah, she said you two should be excited about it. Gotta be something good." Ash supplied with a grin. Leave it to the team's goalie to loosen the tension that hung over their table. Clarke really appreciated this ability of Ash, because it made her feel more at ease. "You're right. We'll just wait and see." Clarke added with a shrug. It won't get her anywhere to lose her head over this because she will find out soon. 

"So I heard we have some serious shopping to do. Prom is in two weeks!" Ali exclaimed as a change of topic and the first thing Clarke heard was Ash's groan. She really adored this couple, they complimented each other perfectly. Ash was not the girliest person, almost a bit like Lexa, and Ali was all about shopping, make up and gossip. A real cliche but a very well fitting one. "Trying to put me through a wringer?" Ash groaned with her hands clasped over her face. Clarke knew that secretly, Ash would do everything to please Ali, even if that entailed going shopping for prom dresses. "You'll do it anyway." Ali smacked her on the back of her head and Ash yelped immediately. "First shopping and now all going all violent on me!" She exclaimed and the entire table started laughing at the banter between the two.

"I am with Ali on this one. Won't go there in a potato sack." Alex said with a smirk and all Ash could do was look pleadingly at Clarke. "Sorry, Ash. Me too." She laughed and the goalkeeper groaned again. "We will find a nice suit for you, deal?" Ali offered and again laughter erupted. 

"Will Lexa come too?" Alex asked. Clarke knew that the forward would go with her boyfriend, Servando and well Ali and Ash would go together, obviously. Usually, it was common to ask another senior to be your date but in all honesty, Clarke couldn't see that happening. Not in this lifetime. So, she already asked Lexa and the brunette agreed immediately, stating that she would love to go with her. "Yeah, is it okay if she tags along when we shop for dresses?" Clarke asked. They both had been busy the last couple of weeks and they really hadn't spent that much time together, well still a lot considering they live together, but not enough for Clarke's liking. "For sure. If the mall isn't too cheap for her." Ali added with a wink and Clarke chuckled. Everybody knew Lexa had money, but they also knew that she didn't flaunt with it. So it was more of a joke than anything seeing that Lexa would of course come with them.

 

* * *

 

 

The hours ticked by slowly, but then again, Clarke was surprised how fast practice had gone by. They had done running drills and improved their positioning during various attacks their forwards launched at them. Afterwards they had played a match against each other with Clarke's team winning by three goals. 

Now though, she and Alex found themselves walking over to their coach's office where they would meet her. They didn't really talk because they were both far to tense and curious about this meeting. They entered after knocking and found themselves sitting in front of the desk with their coach looking at them with a huge smile. The older woman gathered two stacks of paperwork and placed them in front of them. 

Clarke squinted her eyes, she really needed glasses.

Anyway, when she was able to focus on what was written on there, she gasped. The well known logo with VERITAS written on it was printed in the upper right corner and Clarke found herself swallowing. "You gained some serious interest. You applied for Harvard anyway, right?" The coach asked and Clarke dumbly nodded. She would have never guessed that she would actually get in. She really couldn't grasp this. It didn't seem real. "Pinch me." Alex said numbly while looking up at Clarke. "This can't be real." The forward sighed, still not able to comprehend what she just read. This was too good to be true for the both of them. "It is." The coach said, still smiling broadly at her two players. 

"We're going to Harvard!" Alex finally exclaimed and jumped up to hug Clarke fiercely, almost suffocating the blonde. Clarke was still not able to comprehend what was going on, she was still dealing with the shock. But it was a good shock. A perfect shock even. The thought of being able to attend one of the best universities in America was simply overwhelming. That was what she had worked so hard for and now she got it. Seriously, how could she be this lucky?

"They called me yesterday evening. They said that the both of you are offered an athletic scholarship with the details given in these documents. Great job, Ladies." She high-fived the both of them and then ushered them out of her office so that they could tell their loved ones. 

"Can you believe that this is real? I mean I applied there but I never thought I stood a chance!" Clarke exclaimed excitedly. She really had thought that, even if her grades were really good. Spots in this University were very hard to get and she couldn't be happier right now. Boston was calling for her and she could only grin at the thought. "No. I still do not understand it. I mean your grades are perfect and you nearly scored full points on the sat, but I? I am just a bit above average." Alex stated, still shaking her head in disbelief. "Well, you definitely got talent on the pitch, like for real. Every university would be lucky to have you playing for them." Clarke smiled and hugged the forward sideways. Together they walked to the parking lot, over to Lexa's Mustang that Clarke had lent from her this morning since it was raining. 

Clarke drove by Alex's home and dropped her off, but not without noticing the obvious skip in her walk when she was giddily closing the distance to the front door. Yeah, they both really had gotten far.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa had been ordered to the Dean's office right after practice and she has had no idea what it could be about. She was no foreigner to this office, since she is the team's captain and one of the best students they have, but right now she couldn't make up any reason why he wanted to talk to her. So, after showering, she went straight back to the campus into the administrative building where she found the secretary already waiting on her. She wasn't late, was she? No, she had checked her watch, she was five minutes earlier than they had scheduled.

"Hello Miss Woods. Dr. Reynolds is waiting for you. If you might follow me." The secretary, a young man in his early twenties, smiled and gestured towards the direction of the office. She nodded and followed him to the well known office. "Dr. Reynolds? Miss Woods has arrived." The secretary announced after knocking three sharp times. "Enter." They heard and the young man pushed open the door, revealing the dean sitting behind his desk and a second man who she recognized as the manager of the Patriots. Okay? This was clearly not what she had expected. After the incident where she had to rush away from their meeting, she still had held contact with them, seeing that they had understood the urgency of the issue. But what was he doing in the Dean's office?

"Good afternoon, Lexa. I hope practice went well." The Dean supplied and Lexa nodded in greeting, shaking both men's hands. "Hello, Dr. Reynolds and Mr. Sullivan. Practice went very well. We are preparing for the play-offs." She offered with a neutral expression. She was a very professional young woman and therefore, she wasn't one to allow emotions into meetings like these. She had learned that much from her parents. 

"Mr. Sullivan and I were discussing a very important matter. Mr. Sullivan. If you want to explain." The Dean offered a small smile, a rare sight. Lexa was fighting the urge to furrow her brows at the absurdity of this situation. What could this be about?

"Yes, of course, I will go straight to the point. See, Mr. Tom Brady, our best Quarterback, is thinking of retiring after this season. Now, it is important for us to bring in someone who will be able to replace him. This is were you will be important." Mr. Sullivan smiled and Lexa nodded to show that she understood. Her expression remained neutral but in her head, the wheels were already running like crazy. They want her for the next season already? She hasn't finished her degree yet. That had been her the one thing she had wanted from them and now they ask her to throw everything she had achieved over board? Could she do this? 

"We are aware that you want to finish your degree and therefore are we offering you a spot in the Harvard law program. We negotiated that you will be finishing your degree there and you are given the chance to transfer there after this year is over. You will train with our team, but for your last year of college, we would like you to still compete in the college competitions. It is important that you get the time you need to be able to replace such a big name as Tom Brady. That does by no means mean that you will not play a single game for our sight during next year, but it means that for the most part you are part of Harvards varsity team." He paused and waited for a reaction, but received none. This was a lot to take in and he seemed to sense that. "Here are the documents needed for the transfer. Take your time and decide. I am aware that this is a big step." Now, she nodded and took the stack of paperwork. She really couldn't process what was going on, this was a very weird situation. One she never had dreamed of being in. It was a great opportunity, really, but she had so much to think about before allowing herself to be happy about this offer. 

Her parents, while appreciating the Harvard part, would have her head over choosing football over their firm for now. She would have to leave her team behind and start anew, in two different teams at once. And most importantly, Clarke. 

Could she really do this? Leave Clarke here while studying in Boston? 

Her head was swimming and she really needed to get out of this office, so with a quick excuse, she said goodbye to both men and sped out of the office. She needed to go home as fast as her feet would allo her. She needed to discuss this with Clarke and she really needed to get a clear head. How was she supposed to decide about this? She had no idea what she was supposed to do and how she should tackle this issue. Clarke needed her here and she really couldn't stand the thought of being away from her for this long. Would their relationship last? Would they make it through the separation? Would she make it through that time without her love by her side? 

She run home as quickly as possible, thank god that they lived close to the campus. Clarke should be home by now.

Her breathing got quicker with every step she took, not from exhaustion but rather from panic. She had always wanted to play professionally and she had always dreamed of playing for the Patriots one day, but were here dreams worth all of this? Could she follow them at the risk of losing so much more? 

When she arrived at their apartment, she saw her car parked in its usual spot.  _So Clarke is home._ She thought to herself. Wait. How was she supposed to explain all this? How was she supposed to explain that she might have been offered the chance of her lifetime but that she had to go away? How...

Her vision was getting blurry and her breathing became faster by the second. Great. A panic attack. Right now, when she needed to focus. Perfect.

She held onto the stairs railing basically went upstairs automatically. She could not feel anything right now and she could not really comprehend anything. She didn't hear Ontari's greeting and she barely caught the broad smile on Clarke's face when she stepped into their home before collapsing into her girlfriend's arms. 

Feeling Clarke's arm cradle her and sooth her, made breathing seem easier. She was barely aware of hands slowly stroking up and down her back and massaging her scalp while gentle words were murmured into her ears. But she became more aware of them with each passing minute that she was being held. 

She had no idea how long it took for her to calm down and how long they stood there, but as soon as she was able to form coherent words, she muttered:

 

"We need to talk."

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I am very well aware that Alex Morgan didn't go to Harvard, but somehow I felt like Clarke shouldn't have to struggle with keeping in touch over long distances with all of her friends.   
> Also, for those who do not know the sat. It is a standardized test that you need to take if you want to go to college or attend a university. The maximum score is 1600 points and it consists of five parts: reading and answering questions, writing an language(basically correcting texts), math with a calculator and math without a calculator as well as an essay. I myself took mine not to long ago because I plan on going to america to study there. It is really hard and incredibly annoying, believe me;)


End file.
